Confidential

by Jack Parker

  "So… kind of like witness protection program?"

  "I guess." I shrugged.

  Camdon didn't say anything for a really long time. "What's your real name?"

  "Heidi Van Dauson."

  "And your parents…?"

  "Aren't really on a sabbatical. I had to leave suddenly. It was an… emergency I guess you could say." The atmosphere became really still.

  "Who else knows?"

  "Only you." I lifted my head to look at him. "You're the only one. You can't say anything. I told them I wouldn't tell you, but I had to-"

  "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Instead of making me feel like shit for questions about the guns and pictures? I laid off of it, but you always acted suspicious, it took you weeks to not jump every time someone first touched you. I thought it was my fault."

  I looked out his window, at the sun going down, "I had to. It's a miracle they didn't find me. I couldn't tell anyone."

  "Yeah, but I thought I would be a little bit different." His voice sounded angry. "I'm not everybody else." Camdon looked away, "Or am I?"

  "You are different, that's why I'm telling you now." I reached my hand out to touch his face but he pulled back, shaking his head.

  "So you kept me from knowing who you actually were, this whole time? I told you everything about my dad, I let you meet my family, hell, Ella actually talks to you, I completely let you in, and now…" He gulped, his voice cracking slightly, "Now I feel like I don't even know you at all."

  "Camdon. Don't say that. Please don't say that. You know that's not true at all." I said hurriedly, suddenly scared that I was going to loose him even more than I already had.

  "I didn't even know your last name. I've never met your family, any of your old friends. You avoid telling me anything about your past… Heidi. I don't know you." Camdon's voice sounded so pained it hurt my heart.

  "Stop it." I said forcefully, putting my hands in his hair, he closed is eyes, but the look of hurt didn't leave him. I kissed him, and he kissed back eagerly, almost aggressively, and pushed me back on his bed. I curled my legs around his and pulled him closer to me. He let out a groan that seemed to pull him back to his senses and he pulled away suddenly, and my body instantly missed his touch.

  I wasn't going to let him leave like this so I pulled him back slowly. "Please, please please, promise me you won't think like that."

  "I can't." His hushed voice was ragged and hurt. "All I can think about is all the time we spent together, and I can't separate from what was real and what was you pretending to be someone else."

  "It was all real." I affirmed. "Stop talking like that." My voice broke at the end, and I couldn't help tears from leaving my eyes.

  "I need time to think," he whispered and pulled away from me.

  I got up off his bed, and tried to wipe the tears away quickly, even though I knew he had already seen them. "That's why I'm telling you this now." I said just as quietly as he had. "I don't have any time left." My tears couldn't be contained as I barely got out without choking on a sob, "I'm leaving tomorrow."

  He was silent, and just watched me. I wasn't used to this, normally he would already have his arms wrapped around me, and I felt very alone with out him. I only stayed for another moment, before I turned and hurriedly left his house, after realizing that he didn't have anything more to say.

  Chapter 13

  "I need you to focus," Patrick told me sternly. I made myself turn my head and look at him. "This is serious. They are going to be grilling you left and right, trying to make it seem like its your fault, that your words are questionable, anything to make you testimony seem illegitimate."

  I sighed, and nodded, everyone was starting to feel the pressure as the trial was coming up in a daunting couple of days. The police had all the evidence, testimonies, warrants, and charges ready and lined up. By the time they had actually caught Mickey, they worked for a speedy trial, normally it could take months, but this was cut short. The danger of the situation was felt by everyone and the anticipation of the entire police department was so electric, I could feel it. It passed between different officers, prosecutors, and the federal agents that were now involved. I felt it, and I also felt the pressure.

  Every single person in the building knew who I was. The pain I felt in leaving Camdon was so much, I didn't think I could do it. I wanted to shout and scream, and tell Patrick and everybody that I wasn't going to do it, they didn't need me to testify, it wasn't worth it. Not for me.

  But then I saw all these people, who had dedicated years of their lives to capturing these people. How could I not? I thought about all the lives lost or corrupted because of a power-hungry lunatic. As much as I hated leaving Camdon, as much as I didn't want to get on the stand and reveal to everyone how weak I was when Mickey's men had attacked me, I couldn't not do it. I was here, in Phoenix, whether I liked it or not. I might as well make sure that the woman who messed up my life so badly suffered for it.

  And I wanted her to suffer, badly. Because my mind is so turned around, half the time I don' t know what to feel, say, do, or even think. During the past couple days I had been in Phoenix I had come to the conclusion that it was all her fault. When I thought about my situation, it always ended up being on one of the extremes: I was in a comatose state, I missed Camdon so badly it hurt every part of me, and it was like my body shut down, and I would either cry or mope around like a zombie. The other involved having my whole body humming with anger at this despicable woman, who, because of her, I was sent to Iowa, because of her, I left my wonderful, normal, slightly shallow life and was thrown into one where Camdon existed. It was literally two different worlds, and I was beginning to be torn apart. I was angry or depressed, I was in a city or a small town, my mind couldn't take it, my body physically couldn't take it.

  Someone snapped their fingers in front of my face and I jumped three feet in the air, almost falling off the chair I was sitting in. "What?" My voice snapped, annoyed at whoever had done that. I glared at Detective Kaiser. We would never be on first name basis. That was reserved especially for Patrick.

  Patrick rubbed his hands over his face, long and warn as it was. Sighing, he said, "We'll take a break." He pushed his paperwork in front of him roughly, looking at the end of his rope.

  "You should go sleep." I offered, my mind already wandering to the room and bed I missed so much. I hadn't really slept since we landed.

  Kaiser shook his head, his old self still as bitter and energized as ever. "There is way to much to do."

  "Patrick is never going to be productive if he doesn't get some sleep. He'll get more done with a rested body in an hour than he would with a tired one in a whole day." I said truthfully.

  Kaiser persuaded him to go sleep, and when I got up to leave he stopped me. "That place changed you."

  "What?" I asked, my annoyed tone returning. "What are you talking about."

  "Since when do you give a rats ass about anyone but yourself?"

  "Excuse me?" I exclaimed, putting my hands on my hips in some type of teen protest.

  "The girl I met at the beginning of this year would have never shown any type of concern like that for anybody. Let alone some Detective you haven't known for longer than a couple months." His gaze was stern, "This is probably the best thing that's happened to you." I started shaking my head but he cut in, "You may not realize it now, but someday you will."

  I opened my mouth to give him a piece of mind, because if anyone could bring out some of the old fire in me, this aging bastard could. "First of all, that's incredibly insulting. Patrick has helped me a lot; I credit him to being a major part of protecting me. And I have never been such an ice queen as to not care about someone's well being." Even as the last couple words came out of my mouth I knew they weren't true. The fact that I openly recognized someone else's problems was a new thing with me, as was giving some type of solution.

  "Right." The officer smirked. But I just rolled my eyes and stormed past him, entering a little room
they had full of bunks. I had assumed Patrick had gone home, because I didn't see him in here.

  Lucky for me, the department decided that going back to school and going home was still not safe for me, so I was camping out here all day until Anna came and picked me up and I stayed with here at her apartment. It was so enjoyable, being stuck in an office all day.

  At first I was really angry at the arrangement, because come on, they make me come back her for what? So I can be a sitting duck, just like always, but in a new place? Great.

  But after a little while, I was relieved. I couldn't go back to school. What was I supposed to say to my friends? I didn't even really consider them friends, I hadn't talked to them all year, and, to be honest, I wasn't really into people anymore.

  If they weren't Anna or Patrick, then I didn't talk to them unless absolutely necessary. The only people I talked to besides them were Marcus and Dylan, who I called at least once a day. I hadn't even seen my parents yet, that was my decision though. I was going to see them after the first day of the trial. But I wouldn't be testifying until later.

  I crawled into one of the bunks and curled up into a tiny ball, it was all too overwhelming. I thought about Camdon and cried myself until I fell asleep, even though it was still midday, just letting the aching feeling in my heart wash over me.

  * * *

  "Heidi." I heard a sweet soft voice say, as I was shaken ever so gently, "Heidi," it came again. I was in that half dream state, and for a couple moments, I almost thought it was angel. I smiled at the thought of something so nice.

  "Hey honey, it's time to go home." I recognized Anna's voice. We had started referring to home as wherever the two of us ended up. Anna had become a sort of lifeline of mine. The only person to count on, that I felt I could trust, and the only person I felt really knew me, or the things I had been through.

  I made a noise of protest, and curled up into an even tighter ball. She sighed, "I know you're awake. Come on, if you hurry, we can get food on the way home. Your choice."

  Mmmmm. Mexican food. Can I please acclaim that Taco Bell is never, and will never be considered Mexican food? In one of my moments that I actually shared about my past, Camdon asked what was one of the things I missed most about Phoenix.

  "Mexican food," I replied honestly.

  "Really?" He asked, kind of surprised. He let out a small laugh, slinging an arm around my shoulder and pulling me close. "We have really good Mexican food here too actually."

  I frowned and gave him a skeptical look. "Doubtful."

  "Yeah, I swear." Camdon proceded to convince me to go into town with him, and when we parked at Taco Bell I thought he was joking.

  I started to laugh. "Your cute."

  "What. This is totally Mexican food."

  "Oh my god. You're serious." I looked at him in disbelief.

  He just stared back at me, totally clueless. "What's real Mexican food then?"

  "It's not Taco Bell."

  "So take me to get some "real" Mexican food sometime."

  It was one of the closet times we came to talking about me leaving. He never brought it up, and I didn't ever mention it, so it just stayed, silently between us.

  At the thought of this my tears came back, and Anna sighed, she had become used to these over the past couple days.

  "Let's go Heidi." Her voice was comforting and soft, and it took a huge effort to pull myself from the bunk.

  I wiped the tears from my eyes hurriedly, attempting miserably to cover them up.

  "What do you want to eat?" Anna was trying to make conversation.

  "Anything but Mexican," My mind wanted to be far away from that memory. I honestly wasn't sure how much more I could take.

  "That's fine." Anna spent the next half an hour finding food and getting me back to her apartment, all settled on her pull out couch. She tucked me in, like a mother would do for a small child.

  "Have you talked to Camdon yet?" Anna asked, adding an extra blanket on me.

  "No." I sniffled. "I haven't been able to bring him up to Dylan or Marcus yet either. So I don't know how he is, or what he's been doing…" My mind wandered off to all the girls at school that would be trying to get Camdon, now that he was free. I instantly got insanely jealous, and incredibly sad.

  "You should really give him a call. You guys were too close to let this just die." At her words I burst into tears and put my head into the pillow, tired of crying. Anna continued to talk. "I know how much you cared about him. And I know how much this hurts, and I'm telling you this as general advice. Focus on the trial, I know that's hard to do," she put in, as if she sensed my groan, "but its important for your life and so many others. This is personal for you now; you got a little taste of how these people have changed so many lives. I'm sorry you had to get pulled around like this, but if you can put these people away, think of how many others you will save from suffering."

  "I didn't ask for this." I whispered, my tears were quietly falling, my pillow soaking up the wetness. "I hate it."

  Anna paused, and sat down next to me. "Do you know why I decided to become a detective? Or even join this case?"

  I shook my head, turning my body look at her. Her usual smiling face took on an almost somber tone.

  "I had an older brother, who was… difficult, I guess. I was only a couple years younger than him, and I always had a soft spot for him, even when people told me he took a turn for the worst. I did anything he wanted. When we were little, it was cover for him, where he would go. When we got older, I gave him money. Eventually, I just couldn't do it anymore, and it was the one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and I felt like I gave up on him, but I turned him away once, and I never saw him again." She was looking off to the side, revisiting a past that hurt her so much. "When we were in high school, he started getting into heavier and heavier drugs, heroin usually, and would disappear for days at a time, only to come home really strung out." I listened in a respectful silence, as she continued, "He eventually started getting some big money, and, as I later found out, was working for Mickey's people." I was a little shocked, but tried not to interrupt her. "He did something, I'll never know what, but it ended up getting him killed."

  We sat there in silence. She added, "For a long time, I blamed Mickey, this drug lord, who I figured had tipped my brother over the edge, but he was already there. I just couldn't see it."

  "I'm sorry Anna," I sat up and gave her a hug. She gave me a squeeze before getting up, "Get some sleep, I'll wake you in the morning. " At one final glance, she said "I know being away from Camdon is really hard, but you could have to deal with things so much worse. If you put her away, they'll be nothing there to stop you from going to see him."

  It was a comforting thought, and it helped, as I drifted off to sleep.

  * * *

  "We have a surprise for you." Patrick said cheerfully.

  "What." Was my reply, completely void of all emotion. The first day of the trial was tomorrow, and if I wasn't being grilled by someone, they were freaking out as to how to make me look most innocent, or coaching me on how to present myself. The whole office was buzzing with activity, and yet time was still found to send someone over to bother me.

  This time it was Patrick, and even though he was one of the few people I actually was being warm to, didn't mean he wasn't bothering me.

  Anna's talk had made me slightly better, if by better you mean functional. Which was more than I could have hoped for. I no longer cried endlessly, because I actually focused on something, and wanted to try and help out, instead of wallow in my endless misery and heartbreak.

  "You'll have to wait and find out! Otherwise, it wouldn't be a surprise. Stay here." He told me, as if it was normal of me to be up and moving around in this mayhem.

  Anna rushed up to me once Patrick left my side. "Has he told you he has a surprise for you yet?" She asked hurriedly.

  "Yes… But not in the same manner you have." It was true. She had a worried, angsty look on her face.
<
br />   She let out a sigh of frustration. "Are you serious? I told him not to-" Her voice was angry. "Anyways, they are going to get your parents now. I told them not to make it a surprise, that you needed some warning; you haven't seen them in months-Heidi? You okay?"

  I automatically started panicking. "He WHAT?"

  "I know! I know! I told him not to, but by the time he had told me it was too late! You hate these type of surprises." She looked up nervously, "I have to go, or he'll know I warned you. I know it's not much of a warning, but its something. Good luck!" She darted away quickly.

  I sat in the chair, frozen, for

  One…

  Two…

  Three…

  Four…

  Long seconds before I heard a voice scream.

  "OH MY GOD YOUR BLONDE."

  Yes mother. I am blonde.

  Her hands instantly went to my hair, "And look, Colin, she's even got waves. Did you do your hair this morning? Or is this a loose perm."

  My dad, being the sensible and loving man I know he is, shoved my mother out of the way and picked me up in a stifling hug. "I missed you so much." His voice was shaky as he squeezed me tighter, not letting me go. "We were so afraid, we had no idea where you were, we weren't allowed to talk to you," His voice broke at that.