The Drunk Logs

by Steven Kuhn

  I tiptoed toward Jack Jack and poked around the corner to see what he was waiting for.

  “What the hell is going on, Jack Jack?”

  “I don’t know, but I know it has to be good.”

  Down the hall the scene was quite normal, as nurses checked on patients in their rooms, called on the ones who stood in line to give them their meds, or checked on their vitals.

  “I don’t see anything strange. It looks the same as before.”

  “Just wait, I know he’s gonna come out,” Jack Jack said as he waved me back with his hand. “There…there he is.”

  Just then, a patient emerged from his room.

  “The guy in black?”

  “Yeah.”

  My curiosity heightened. “Victoria said there was something strange about him.”

  “When I was getting my meds, I knew something was wrong, so I kept on watching him. All he does is go in and out of his room, mumbling to himself. I’ve seen it before, he’s a day ticker and he’s gonna go off.”

  We waited, breathless, as the clock above us ticked louder and louder.

  Suddenly, he exited his room with his duffle bag over his head, peered through a makeshift hole in the front pocket, and walked surprisingly casually down to the corner of the hall.

  “I told you, here it comes!” Jack Jack said.

  The man in black grabbed the fire extinguisher with one swift motion, pulled off the safety, and began to spray the white powder like a madman with a flamethrower. A person possessed, he walked back and forth and hit anyone and everything within striking distance. The nurses and patients began to look like snowmen as the powder engulfed the corridor. With no one to stop him, he started to walk toward us, when he noticed that something had obstructed his trigger.

  I panicked and tore at Jack Jack’s shirt. “Jack, please, come on. We have to get out of here.”

  But in typical Jack Jack fashion, he ignored my pleas and continued to watch.

  Suddenly, Carl rushed past, when the assailant removed the obstacle and released a massive dose of white powder that engulfed him and violently billowed toward us. The cloud covered the carpet and walls and increased its speed as Jack Jack and I stood helpless in the wake of this disaster. I took hold of Jack Jack and heaved him backward, as we fell to the floor. The white powder rumbled past and down the hall, as it left behind a mist of dust that covered our backsides.

  “Are you all right?” I said as I lifted Jack Jack, when the fire alarm screamed throughout the halls.

  We ran toward the lecture hall, leaving a soft mist of white powder behind us on the green carpet. The door from the lecture hall began to open, when Jack Jack threw me by my collar into the bathroom and barricaded the door behind him with his body. Out of breath, I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror that resembled the ghost of Christmas past and I began to smack violently at my body.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Jack Jack asked.

  “Fucking look at us, we’re covered in that shit!” I screamed.

  Jack Jack walked in front of the mirror. Amused, he started to howl like a dead spirit and floated around.

  “You know you are crazy if you think this is funny,” I said, as I dusted myself off.

  His dance did not curb my anger as he stopped and brushed his shoulders. “You have to have fun whenever you can, Matt.”

  We made sure that we were clean, walked toward the door, and opened it just enough that our eyes poked through. In the hallway, a large crowd passed as the patients exited the lecture hall, when the sound of the alarm began to echo into the restroom.

  “Great, now what are we going to do?” I said.

  Jack Jack closed the door and stood with hands on hips, as he stared at the restroom tile deep in thought. His eyes widened as he turned toward me.

  “That’s why they’re walking down the hall. During a fire alarm everybody has to exit the building. So, we’ll just wait until we think it’s the end of the group and join them. No one will think we had a part in it.”

  “We didn’t!” I said.

  “I know and you know, but they don’t know.”

  We cracked the door again to watch as the patients passed by, and waited for the appropriate time. As the mass of people started to thin, we exited the restroom and joined the group. As we headed outside, we passed the corridor covered in white powder, with our footprints leading away on the green carpet.

  As we exited the building, we listened to every innuendo that floated in the air. Not to arouse suspicion, we kept our heads down and continued to walk up the path; quietly we maneuvered ourselves into our group of friends, who stood in the grass next to the pavilion.

  We lit our cigarettes and added our own thoughts to the who-done-it and what-happened scenarios. At one point, I leaned over to Jack Jack and whispered my concerns.

  “Did you see the footprints on the carpet?” I asked.

  “I know, but they don’t know that they’re ours. So, just keep quiet and look concerned,” he mumbled.

  Tired, Sam turned around, and looked for a place to sit, when he noticed us.

  “Where in the hell were you guys when all this happened?” Sam said as the rest of the group turned and looked.

  “Uh, we were sitting on the other side of the lecture hall,” Jack Jack searched for words. “What, is there a fire our something…because that smoke in the hallway didn’t smell like there was a fire.”

  “Nobody knows. We just followed the leader when the alarm went off and came out here,” Victoria said.

  In the distance, sirens sang as fire engines and police cars sped toward the hospital. The patients looked back at the building for fire or smoke, but we knew otherwise. Instead, Dr. Lyedecker exited the building, stone-faced as usual, looking like an undertaker in his stiff black suit. Appropriate, I thought.

  He stood in front of the crowd, like a military leader preparing his troops for battle. To the dismay of the patients, he ordered us to return to the building and hunker down in the lecture hall.

  Hostility from the patients followed at their perception that Dr. Lyedecker was ordering them into the building, perhaps into a dangerous situation. A few counselors, nurses, and security personnel diffused the patients’ apprehension and slowly guided us back into the building.

  Jack Jack and I made our best effort to camouflage ourselves, when a hand burrowed through the patients and pointed directly at us. We emerged from the crowd and walked toward Dr. Lyedecker, as we did our best to act surprised.

  He stood like an executing judge high atop his perch, cleared his throat, and tightened his lips. “After we obtain a better understanding of this situation, I want both of you to come to my office immediately after you are released from the lecture hall. No questions…you may leave.”

  Quietly, we joined the rest of the group and did not speak to one another until we entered the building.

  “Fuck. He knows something and we’re going to get into trouble,” I said as I rubbed my forehead.

  “He doesn’t know shit, and besides we didn’t do anything wrong,” Jack Jack reviewed the events. “All we did was watch the whole thing go down. That’s all.”

  In the lecture hall we sat in the forest of conversations and pondered what exactly Dr. Lyedecker’s agenda was. Even the sound of the fire alarm did not interrupt our thoughts. The alarm ceased and the unruly patients subsided when Larry Gates and Sarah from admissions entered and walked to the front of the lecture hall.

  “All right, everybody please be quiet if you want to know what happened and what we are preparing to do,” Larry said.

  A majority of the patients ignored Larry, for they saw it as an opportunity for defiance.

  “Shut up!” a lone voice screamed from the distance, and immediately the patients subsided and sat quietly in their chairs.

  “Thank you, to whoever said that,” Larry said, as Sarah stood firmly behind him. “It is our understanding that there was a patient with some issues which were not properly
diagnosed before he came here. He decided to act out in whatever world he perceived himself to be in and take a fire extinguisher, spraying its contents all over the first floor, concentrating mostly by the nurses’ station. The reason for the alarm is that someone presumed there was a fire and pulled the alarm, which was the wisest thing to do given the circumstances. We are obtaining cleaning crews to deal with this mess and they will be working all night in order for this to be taken care of, which brings me to my next point. All the female patients will need to pack all of their belongings, because tonight you will be staying in one of the nearby hotels.”

  The male patients watched as the female patients danced and cheered.

  Larry began to wave his hands, as he tried to quiet the crowd. “The detox patients will also be taken care of, and will be informed individually as to the protocol we will follow.” He lowered his hands and continued to direct the patients. “Now, I would like all the patients to proceed back to their rooms. The women and detox patients will be informed concerning the next step. Everyone can leave.”

  Larry and Sarah began to discuss the plan and waited for the patients to exit the lecture hall. The women were the first ones out of the hall, as they cheered and danced as though they had received a reprieve, while the men grudgingly followed, and tried to ignore the women’s happiness.

  Jack Jack and I inched our way out of the lecture hall as the rest of the patients blurred past us.

  “Well, no matter how slow we go, we still have to get this over with,” Jack Jack said.

  “You’re right. We’re probably worried over nothing,” I said as I fought back the butterflies that took control of my stomach.

  We rode up the elevator in silence and exited onto the second floor. We turned and followed the walnut stained doors to the last door in the corner of the hallway; the air was stale.

  Next to the door was a name etched on the gold-plated plaque that read “Charles Lyedecker, Ph.D.,” with the word director below it in bold letters. We stared at each other, and waited for the other to knock, when suddenly the door opened and there stood Dr. Lyedecker, expressionless, like a cardboard cutout.

  “Come in and sit down,” he ordered in a monotone.

  Two plush yellow leather chairs seated in front of a massive walnut desk awaited us. Closing the door, Dr. Lyedecker hurriedly walked over to his black leather chair that sat higher than us. This was an indication of authority. A useless bit of information I remembered about a documentary on the Roman Empire, from the history channel.

  The office was symmetrical in nature and nothing was at an angle. His position in the office was an area of power with large walnut bookcases on either side of him that extended to the ceiling. They contained texts which he had either read or authored, and were illuminated from the large, stained glass window behind him, which contained a view of the forest. Its calm colors battled the darkness in which he sat at the helm. And the articles that sat on his desk were purposely-positioned awards and degrees that had to be acknowledged first before one looked at its master.

  He sat erect in his perch, stroked his gold pen, and appeared tired of the two that sat before him; his eyes were heavy. He yawned and waited to see if either of us would speak, perhaps in hopes that his ruse would elicit any guilt we might have had concerning the incident. But we sat quiet, almost relaxed, as he grew irritated.

  “Do either of you have anything to add to the situation that occurred on the first floor today?”

  Without hesitation, Jack Jack spoke. “Nope, it happened exactly the way good old Larry said.”

  His eyes widened as he looked over to me, where I vehemently agreed with Jack Jack.

  “Well, my sources indicate that you have something to do with the individual that proceeded to cause mayhem on the first floor.”

  Dr. Lyedecker and Jack Jack’s eyes locked as they waited for the other to flinch. But Dr. Lyedecker had the upper hand. He knew Jack Jack and his ego.

  Jack Jack began to grin, to the enjoyment of Dr. Lyedecker, who eased back into his chair. But before he became complacent, I started to speak.

  “Well, right before the incident happened, Jack Jack reminded me that I needed my Big Book for lecture, which I mistakenly left in my room. Accompanying each other, we first stopped to get his medication, which he only received once today. Considering most of the nurses were preoccupied with other patients, we waited to be taken care of. We then proceeded to the second floor, not before noticing said individual screaming in his room, unsupervised. When we came back down from the second floor, I noticed the individual acting strangely in the hallway, but couldn’t find any security personnel to warn of the situation. Immediately, the individual was grabbing the fire extinguisher and spraying it around the hallway. That’s when Jack pulled me to get help from the lecture hall, but for some reason I couldn’t move. Low and behold, Carl came running down the hall and into the cloud of dust, where I would imagine he apprehended the individual. But then the fire alarm went off and we saw all the patients exiting the building. So we followed.”

  Dr. Lyedecker and Jack Jack sat dumbfounded. But to Dr. Lyedecker’s credit, he followed with supposed incriminating evidence and the threat of a full board investigation.

  “If that is the truth, then I’m sure there will be corroborating testimony from Carl and the nurses, concerning exactly what occurred,” I said.

  “Oh, don’t worry, all the t’s will be crossed and the i’s will be dotted,” Dr. Lyedecker said, agitated.

  “That will be fine with me.”

  I did not blink and waited patiently, with the illusion of not a care in the world. Jack Jack, on the other hand, wished to speak, but couldn’t find the cleanest word out of the garbage heap he called a vocabulary.

  “All right, you two may leave and can go back to your rooms,” Dr. Lyedecker said, as he lowered his head and began to type on his computer.

  Jack Jack and I remained silent until we entered my room, where Jack Jack slammed the door.

  “What the hell did you just do?” He walked back and forth, flailing his arms. “I was more than willing to take whatever blame he decided to come up with. He isn’t going to do anything with me. He’s stuck with me and he knows it.”

  I calmly sat on the edge of my bed as Pat walked out of the bathroom; cautiously, he sat on the chair by the desk.

  “You done, Jack Jack?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You know you shouldn’t be allowed to have all the fun. Why? Because it feels good,” I said as I smiled. “If you would have paid attention, all I did was rearrange the story a little and put most of the blame on him. Sure, he can make his employees say whatever he wants them to. But in the long run, when they are cornered and have the opportunity to complain at how overworked and understaffed they are, they will jump at it the first chance they get. So, now it becomes a case of “he said, she said.” And when I emphasized the point that his staff was nowhere to be found, it puts the blame on him. He’s probably going over it in his head as we speak.”

  Slowly, but surely, it seemed to make sense to him.

  “He was bluffing.” I sat confident.

  “And how do you know that?” Jack Jack’s voice had become calmer.

  “Because, when he started to type on his computer, the reflection of the screen in the window behind him was blank.”

  With a smile wider and laugh louder than Sam, Jack Jack took a step forward, as Pat, who sensed trouble, leaped and stopped him.

  “It’s brilliant, I never thought of doing it that way,” he said as Pat held him back by his shoulders.

  I smiled back, “It’s easier to let someone else beat themselves up. You don’t waste any energy.”

  As the dim light from the lamp illuminated half of his body, Pat eased his way back down into his chair. “I still don’t know what the hell is going on?”

  We reached down and grabbed Pat by the arms. “C’mon, the hockey game is about to start. Let’s grab the rest of the
guys and we’ll tell you everything that happened,” I said.

  “So, Matt, where did you learn to play poker like that?” Jack Jack asked.

  “I used to negotiate union contracts.”

  Huddled together in the small kitchenette, Jack Jack told the tale of the evil Dr. Lyedecker and the two mighty peasants, and embellished the story as he saw fit, which depended on the amount of laughter. To celebrate, they gorged themselves on Bobby’s snack and proceeded to the entertainment room, where Jack Jack alone was given the throne of the sofa.

  I had felt a kinship with Jack Jack, even if it was one-sided. It was hard for me to express any feelings, because I had never done so in the past. The warmth of this brotherly bond and unity I felt toward him made the cracks in my shell multiply and grow larger. I savored this feeling of not being so alone.

  It would happen maybe once in a man’s life that the world became his own, but it was up to the man to decipher when. He will come to that conclusion when, at that particular moment in his life, it could get no better. And the memories of those who had listened were the only things that kept him alive. I smiled and let him have his time. The alpha male had been crowned.

  Chapter 12

  I opened my eyes as the morning sun punched me awake and forced me to roll over. “My God, what time is it?” I mumbled, as I tried to focus onto the clock above the door.

  It was 9:30 and there hadn’t been a wakeup call—only Pat, who snored under the purple comforter in the bed next to mine.

  I smacked my lips together and stretched, as the blood tried to circulate in my tired body. I gradually tried to focus on the day ahead and contemplated what I was going to do next.

  “I’ll just grub it today,” I whispered and pushed myself out of bed.