The Drunk Logs

by Steven Kuhn

  “We haven’t checked on you in a while, so we just need to make sure that everything is still fine.”

  She tore the Velcro, wrapped the belt around my arm, and pushed the start button; the belt became tight as the machine hummed.

  “So, everybody here must be happy that Jack Jack is leaving, huh?”

  “No, we’ll only be happy if he doesn’t come back.”

  I looked down at my arm and watched my veins grow and pulsate as the belt grew tighter.

  “So, who decided that it was his time to go?”

  “His father,” she said as the machine beeped and the belt deflated. She removed the belt, checked the screen, and wrote on her clipboard.

  Suspicious, I looked at Molly and waited for her to stop writing. She looked up from her clipboard, her eyes wide as she waited for my next question.

  “His father? I thought it is supposed to be a clinical decision if the patient is healthy enough to leave?”

  She looked like she was searching for the best possible answer.

  “Yes, after careful consideration between Dr. Lyedecker and Jack’s father, they determined that the best or next course of treatment would be to release Jack.”

  “But what if he doesn’t have anywhere to go, and doesn’t have any support from his family? What do you think is going to happen to him?” I became agitated, for my concern was really for myself and what would happen to me if I was in his place.

  Years of experience had brought her far in her career. She seemed to understand that my cries for Jack were really for me, and offered advice the only way she knew how.

  “Matt,” she said in calm, motherly voice. “We have given the people here the gift of knowledge to succeed. So it is up to them to make it work. You…are the cure to the disease.”

  Nestled in the bosom of her words, the solution clicked in my head and the reason I was here suddenly made sense. As I laughed, warmth began to flow over my entire body. How stupid I had been to believe that a pill or potion was my cure all. They had been saying the answer all along, but I was too deaf to hear.

  “So all that medication you’ve been giving me has just been some type of placebo.”

  Seemingly delighted that I truly understood, she relaxed and began to smile. “No, at the beginning it was medication to heal any internal problems you might have had, and the Valium was to help with the tremors. But since then, all you have been getting are vitamins.”

  I shook my head in disbelief.

  “You see, everything starts in here,” she tapped me on the head. “Then we work on the body, and then the soul.”

  I had an awakening and stood to deliver the news to my friends. But before I left, I stopped and asked about my blood pressure results.

  “Normal,” she said.

  I realized I still had time before lecture and walked outside to smoke a cigarette and tell my friends the promising news I had just heard, in hopes that they would revel in the knowledge as much as me.

  Chapter 14

  At a picnic table, in the corner of the pavilion, with a plume of smoke all around them, they watched a game of cornhole being played by a mixture of the athletes and the wannabes. I heard Jack Jack as he heckled the players in the distance and hurriedly walked through the grass. As I arrived, there was a full on confrontation between Jack Jack and the players, as their words became more colorful and the spectators grew with anticipation of a fight. Finally, a brief moment of calm set in as I began to speak, when a corn sack banged on the table and slid off.

  “That’s enough already, Jack Jack. One more word and I’m going to kick the crap out of you,” a man the size of Big Toledo said.

  He lumbered over like a brick outhouse, when Jack Jack understood he had gone too far, backed down, and assured the individual it had only been in good fun. If it had not been for his silk tongue, he would surely have been in the infirmary, and he damn well knew it.

  He laughed off the incident, smoothly lit a cigarette, and walked back to the table, where his friends waited in anticipation to hear the rest of his encounter with Dr. Lyedecker. It was not the right moment to share my news, so I sat idly by.

  “So what happened next? What did Lyedecker tell you?” Sam asked.

  He shrugged off the entire event and sat down next to Bobby as he looked over to the nurses’ station.

  “There really isn’t much else to tell. He was just warning me that he will not tolerate any insubordination and will, as he put it, ‘use the full extent of the law,’ if anything was to happen.” Turning his attention back to the group, he nodded his head toward the building. “He even has Carl keeping an eye on me from the nurse’s window.”

  We turned in unison and noticed Carl, half illuminated by the sunlight.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Sam said, dumbfounded.

  “I know, and the beauty part of it,” Jack Jack smiled and shook his head, “is that I thought about doing something. But, it would be worth it not to do anything and have that guy waste all of his energy on poor old me.”

  Appearing to have awakened from a shallow sleep, Father Tom looked up with sad, soulful eyes and licked his dry, cracked lips.

  “My mind is a little hazy, but that reminds me of a story about a man whose lust was so great for one specific thing in his life, he forgot about the things around him that had true meaning, until they all withered and died and left him with nothing.” He sat for a moment and dug deep into his memory files as he tried to find the correct story, but to his dismay the story seemed to be lost from time. “I think that’s how it went. Well, you get the meaning of the story.”

  While the others looked as though they were pondering the words of wisdom, I saw an opportunity and started to tell them about my visit with Molly.

  “Yeah, I was…”

  Robby came out of the sea of picnic tables and sat next to Jack Jack. “Well, good thing I’m leaving tomorrow. Looks like they’re going to surprise you guys with a drug test,” he said in a slow mumble.

  The conversations adjacent to our picnic table became silent.

  “How do you know this, Robby?” Bobby asked.

  “I heard it when I was reviewing my release papers at the nurses’ station. They said they needed to get all the piss cups ready for the test coming up.”

  He folded down the collar of his windbreaker and motioned to Bobby if he could have a cigarette from the pack that lay on the table. Bobby agreed.

  The conversations in the pavilion quickly turned to rumors as individuals began to become worried. It was a trait that followed us from our addicted days, always paranoid.

  “What the hell is everybody so worried about? The only thing that is going to come up positive is the shit that they’ve been giving us,” Jack Jack said. “Unless certain people are guilty?”

  Jack Jack smiled devilishly and looked over toward Danny, who leaned against a wooden post.

  “To all patients, lecture will start in 10 minutes. Lecture will start in 10 minutes,” the intercom blared.

  Sam stretched, “Well, I guess it is that time.”

  While Sam’s arms were up, to his surprise, I leaned over and rested my head on his chest and rubbed his belly. “Santa, I want a fire truck, and some Lincoln logs, and…”

  Sam pushed me away to everyone’s laughter. “Get the hell out of here. You’re crazy.”

  “Just trying to liven up the situation. Everybody looked so serious when they mentioned the drug test.”

  Through the tall grass and back to the building, we joined the other patients who followed the leader down the same hallway we had always followed before. The atmosphere started to change as I could feel another hallucination begin.

  I grew accustomed to my surroundings, as I flowed in unison with a mass of miscreants and misdeeds and possible misfortunes that were illuminated by artificial light. You hid me away and kept me until you said it was all right. You let me march up and down until my feet became weary and bare like my life. Thirty-four days w
as not enough, my dear fellow. You made me march one hundred more.

  Like multicolored pebbles in a sea of blue, we rocked back and forth from the waves of patients who entered, laughed, and giggled, while Victoria smiled from across the way. Almost complacent, Larry Gates entered and bellowed his usual rhetoric that was joined by the answers of the deviants.

  Quietly, we absorbed the message that was taught high atop the lectern, with its dance and pomp, as we writhed to the rhythm of the silver-tongued orator. Hallelujah, we had been blessed with the word. And released the demons and cleansed our hot pipes with the stone river of salvation. As young children we spread the word like a virus. We spread the word.

  I wiped the cold sweat from my forehead and took a few deep breaths. That, by far, had been the worst episode to date, I thought. I pulled a small piece of candy from my pocket and sucked on it. The sugar started to calm my racing heart.

  After the lecture, we filed out of the auditorium and embarked on what little free time we had. Bobby, Pat, and I splintered off and ventured to the second floor, while Jack Jack, Father Tom, and Robby decided to have another cigarette and join in on another game of cornhole.

  As the air conditioning unit hummed next to the window, Pat reached over to his nightstand and grabbed the sports section.

  “So what are you gonna do, Bobby?” I asked, as he stood at the entrance of the room.

  “Oh shit, I forgot to put my laundry in the dryer,” he turned back. “I’ll talk to you guys later.”

  “All right.”

  Pat relaxed in his bed as he crossed his legs and folded the paper. After I turned the air conditioner on low, I jumped into bed and closed my eyes, cracked my neck, and folded my hands across my chest. Content for about two minutes, we enjoyed the cool breeze and quiet, when Bobby barreled into the room, out of breath; his face was red and his legs quivered from anger.

  “Bobby, are you all right?” Pat said, as he peeked from behind the sport section.

  He shook his head and struggled to find the words. “My laundry. All of my laundry is gone from the washer.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked, as I watched Bobby pace back and forth.

  He stopped with a disgusted look. “No. I just thought I would come down here and see how concerned you would be about my wardrobe, if by chance I were to lose it all.”

  I started to laugh and sat at the side of the bed.

  “This isn’t funny, Matt. It took me a week to stop hiding my underwear!” Bobby screamed as his breasts heaved. “Did you guys take them as some practical joke? Because if you did, I will get all ninja on your ass.”

  Pat and I looked at each other and continued to fight the urge to laugh.

  “No. What the hell are we going to do with it?” Pat stood and walked over to the door. He looked out and saw Carl as he stood by the elevator. “Look, there’s Carl, we’ll just tell him what happened and maybe he can help us find it.”

  With a grin at the image of someone wearing Bobby’s extra-extra-large clothes, Carl suggested that we inquire room by room.

  The answers were all the same…no, followed by a cavalcade of laughter and snide remarks, but Bobby was unnerved as the treasure hunt continued. We reluctantly continued, when Bobby stepped into Mick’s room.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Bobby yelled, as he rushed in, flailing his arms about.

  Mick slowly looked up, confused, as he held his pants in a bunch, which prevented them from falling down. Immediately, Carl rushed in, and tried to diffuse any situation that might arise.

  “Wait a second, Bobby. I’m sure this is a complete misunderstanding. Let’s try to find out why Mick has your clothes.”

  “Hey, you better make sure he’s not wearing your underwear!” I yelled as I laughed in the doorway.

  “Shut up, Matt,” Carl said. “Now Bobby, grab your clothes from the bed and go back to your room. I’ll get your other ones and find out what happened from Mick.”

  Bobby looked with disdain, snatched up his clothes with both arms, and stormed out of the room, while Mick resumed being confused and stared back at the size of his pants.

  “What’s going on?” Everyone in the room turned to see Big Toledo as he stood in the hallway with eyes half shut, but livelier than before. “Bobby almost knocked me over in the hall.”

  “Nothing. Mick accidentally grabbed Bobby’s clothes from the laundry room, because he thought they were his,” I said as I watched Big Toledo carefully.

  “Idiot,” Big Toledo said as he shook his head and entered his room.

  We continued to watch Carl, who ordered us back to our rooms. We left and noticed Jack Jack and Sam exit the elevator and go their separate ways. Sam was the first one we told of the incident that had just transpired, who then rushed into his own room and flung open his closet.

  “I better make sure I still have all my clothes!” he said, as he counted his shirts. Relieved, he locked his closet and grabbed his Big Book from the nightstand.

  “Why are you taking your book?” I asked. “Is the next lecture a discussion?”

  Sam slapped the back of the book and walked out into the hallway. “No, the next class is a movie and I’m not coming back up here.”

  “To all patients, lecture will begin in 10 minutes. Lecture will begin in 10 minutes.”

  I decided that was a good idea, turned back to my room, and grabbed my book. On my way back I noticed Carl, who carried all of Bobby’s clothes, pass Jack Jack, Pat, and Sam, who congregated in front of the elevator.

  As I approached, Jack Jack started to laugh loud, and whoever was on the floor turned and took notice.

  The elevator door opened as I pushed the first floor button. “So, apparently someone told him what happened?”

  We were inseparable, or so it seemed, where one was never without another, an unholy union. To shed light on this subject would only complicate the issue, for it was better for us to laugh and learn, from the lectures to the meals, to the time we spent as one.

  Alone, I rode up toward the second floor and listened only to my breath and the creak of the elevator car. The door opened and I stepped into the zoo.

  The fervor of the Stanley Cup finals carried me to the entertainment room that had multiplied with fans and enemies. We were animals that had gained the rite of passage, which had been handed down from our ancestors from the beginning of time. A broken bunch, but strong in spirit, we enjoyed the game with popcorn and sandwiches, as we gorged ourselves like locusts.

  As this mayhem proceeded, the old friendships were tested and new friendships tolerated. For it was only in the end that the ultimate victor was determined.

  With the highlights played, the food gone, and the crowd diminished, I took one last look around, before I noticed Jack Jack peering into a room that was not his own.

  Quietly, I sidled up to Jack Jack so as not to startle him, looked into the room, and saw Big Toledo sound asleep in his bed like a mountain that hadn’t moved in a million years.

  “Jack, what are you doing?” I whispered.

  “I don’t know.”

  The situation was uncomfortable to say the least.

  “Is he all right?”

  I took a deep breath, when Jack Jack appeared to have made a decision.

  “Well, take a good look at him, because he won’t be here after the drug test. I’ve been trying to wake him up, but he’s dead to the world. High on something, but I don’t know what,” he said as he scratched his head and licked his lips. “I knew it from the day I saw him hanging around Danny. I tried to keep him away from him the best I could, but the bastard wouldn’t listen.”

  “You can’t be his keeper, Jack Jack. He has to learn to be strong on his own.”

  He took one last look and puckered his lips. “Oh well, at least when Big Toledo goes, so will Danny. He’ll tell them who he got the stuff from and down the people will fall. No sense losing sleep over it. Good night.”

  I realized that Jack Jack was living throug
h Big Toledo. He knew that his chances for survival in the outside world were slim, and through some bizarre reasoning of his, he must have felt that if he helped Big Toledo, he too would have a chance.

  I stood there and said nothing, and became frustrated at the fact that I could not tell Jack Jack I considered him a friend. But my shell still remained intact, even in its battered form. I truly wanted him to live.

  He patted me on the back and walked back to his room.

  Alone in the hall, I wondered what had happened to my good day.

  Chapter 15

  “Good morning, isn’t it a great day to be sober?” Carl yelled as he poked his head into the room and waited for a response from Pat, which did not come. “Today, we have a surprise for all our patients. Before you decide to go to breakfast, please see the nurses at the tables in the middle of the floor and grab a cup, because each and every patient will be giving a urine sample. You are not allowed to go to breakfast until you complete this small task. After that, you may follow the normal schedule on you daily planner. Have a nice day, gentleman.”

  Pat rubbed his eyes and was unmoved as he threw the comforter off. “They better have a two-liter for the amount that I have to go,” he said as he walked out of the room.

  I rubbed my face and followed him, where a line had begun to form. Two by two, the nurses handed the patients each a small cup, and escorted them into the shower room by Carl, who stood guard to validate the sample. Upon exit, they handed the cups to the nurses, who tagged them and handed two more to the next patients who waited.

  The morning was relatively quiet except for the nurses, who checked the wristbands and handed out urine cups. They chattered about everything from food to work, but mainly about how horrible their children were.

  After we received the empty cups, Pat and I followed Carl into the shower room, where Pat, who needed to relieve himself urgently, entered first into the lone toilet stall. We listened to the leftover trickle, as Carl and I stood and waited in complete silence; we stuck to the code. Pat finished, and then and only then, were we allowed to break our silence.