I Know I've Been Changed

by ReShonda Tate Billingsley

  Martin wouldn’t move from in front of it. I glared at him so hard, he finally shrank out of the way.

  “Rae, you don’t want to do that,” somebody, I don’t even know who, called out. I ignored them and pushed the power button on the television. The voices came up before the pictures did.

  “Ooooh, baby, right there.”

  I stared at the TV in disbelief. There on my big-screen TV was my husband, getting it on with some tramp. Make that tramps. He seemed to be having the time of his life. There was a lot of noise in the background. Men yelling.

  “Work it, Myles!” somebody yelled.

  “Can I get a turn?” someone else yelled.

  “Naw, man, this is Myles’s bachelor party. All these women are for him,” the voice behind the camera said.

  I sank to the floor as I noticed the date in the corner of the video: Aug. 26. Two days ago. The day before my wedding.

  “Oh…my!” Myles screamed. “It’s soooo good! I ain’t never had no—”

  “Enough!” Mama Tee slammed her hand against the power button, shutting off the television.

  I sat there in utter disbelief. The man I had just promised to love, honor, and cherish until death did us part had screwed not one, but two women the night before our wedding. And he had had the audacity to allow it to be taped.

  “Come on, Rae. Let’s go to the back.” Mama Tee tried to ease me up, but I couldn’t move. This wasn’t happening to me. This couldn’t be happening to me. In a house full of my relatives. His relatives. My friends. His friends. My coworkers. Oh, my God. LaMonica was here. I hadn’t personally invited her, but she had come with the assistant producer, Keria. LaMonica would tell everyone at work.

  But all those thoughts quickly faded as I thought of how Myles had betrayed me.

  Martin stepped forward. “Ummm, he didn’t…he didn’t know what he was doing.”

  “Look like he sho’ knew what he was doing to me,” Shondella snapped.

  I heard the door to the garage suddenly open. Myles walked in, a huge smile across his face. “I’m back!” he called out.

  I watched Martin ease toward him and try to nonchalantly whisper.

  Myles looked at his brother strangely. I didn’t give him time to ask any questions though. Suddenly, the strength I couldn’t find to get off the floor just moments ago revealed itself and lunged at Myles, my hands circling around his throat. “You bastard!” I screamed. “How could you do this to me!”

  Myles toppled over backward and put his arm up to shield his face. “What—?”

  I totally lost it. I was pounding his face, screaming obscenities. I heard Mama Tee and Mrs. Jacobs scream. Then several sets of hands started pulling me off Myles. He managed to get up.

  “What is wrong with you?” he screamed as he nursed his bruised face.

  “How could you do this to me?” All the resolve I had seemed to evaporate from my body and I dropped to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Would somebody tell me what’s going on?” Myles stood there with a confused look on his face.

  Nikki eased over to him. “She saw the tape, baby. Dang, I didn’t know you had it going on like that. When do I get my turn?”

  “Nikki!” Aunt Ola snapped.

  “Well, if he’s dishing it out…”

  Myles ignored her. “What tape? What is she talking about?” Myles looked around the room. His mother was crying, Martin was in the corner pretending that the painting on the wall was interesting to him. Everyone else was looking at Myles with utter disgust.

  I managed to stop sobbing long enough to say, “Play the tape.”

  “Don’t do this, Rae,” Shereen said. She had come over and was gently rubbing my back.

  “Play the tape!” I screamed.

  Not surprisingly, it was Shondella who walked over to the TV and cut it back on. The tape was still playing.

  This time, I didn’t turn my attention to it. I stood up and kept my eyes fixed on Myles. I heard his voice on the tape say, “My turn.”

  “Cut that trash off,” Mrs. Jacobs finally said.

  Myles looked at me. “Baby…that…that’s old.”

  “Don’t lie!” I screamed.

  “Dog, the date was on the tape,” one of his fraternity brothers muttered.

  “Yeah, dog, the date was on the tape,” I repeated. Okay, the pain was subsiding and I was getting severely pissed off. Especially because this fool was standing there lying to me.

  “What I meant was…I was drunk.”

  “Drunk! Is that the best you can do?”

  “Rae, can we go outside and talk about this please?”

  “Talk to those whores on the tape!”

  “I think it’s time for us to go,” I heard Mrs. Jacobs say.

  Myles briefly turned his attention toward his mother. She couldn’t even look him in the eye.

  “It was a pleasure meeting you,” Mrs. Jacobs said to Mama Tee, before scurrying out the door.

  Mama Tee nodded solemnly.

  Myles looked like he wanted to go after his mother, then decided all his attention should be focused on me.

  “Please, Rae, let me explain. Those women meant nothing.”

  “So you threw away everything we have over women who meant nothing? Women who you don’t even know?”

  Martin stepped in. “He’s telling the truth. He didn’t even know them girls. They were just some strippers from the party.”

  Myles glared at his brother. “Shut up, Martin. It’s your fault. I told you not to even bring that camera!”

  “No, thank you, Martin.” I turned to him and bowed. “I’m glad you brought the camera. Otherwise I would’ve never known what a low-down dirty dog I married. And strippers? You had sex with some nasty strippers the night before our wedding?” My shoulders began to heave as the reality of what had happened began to set in.

  “Let’s not do this here,” Myles pleaded.

  I looked around the room. Mrs. Jacobs and her sister had left, but other than that, everyone was still there…staring intently at me, waiting like they were watching the cliff-hanger in a soap opera.

  “Why should I pretend? They all saw it.” I motioned wildly with my hands before turning to Myles’s secretary. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought she was as upset as I was. Maybe she was just as shocked. “You saw it, didn’t you, Karen? And you, Sheila, you saw your cousin getting buck wild, didn’t you?” I turned back to Myles. “Everyone saw it. Everyone saw it!” I sobbed and crumbled to the floor again. The joy of my wedding was gone. I felt pain, humiliation, and sadness that my dream had been shattered for a ménage à trois with strippers.

  “Come on, baby.” I hadn’t noticed Mama Tee sit down next to me on the floor.

  “Leave me alone! Everybody just leave me alone! Get out and leave me alone!”

  Myles leaned down and tried to touch my shoulder. I slapped his hand away.

  “I said go! Get away from me!” I jumped up and ran to my bedroom, making sure I slammed the door as hard as I could. I locked it, then threw myself across the bed, sobbing until sleep silenced my cries.

  Chapter 26

  I don’t know what time everyone left. I just knew the house was eerily quiet. I remember several people knocking on my bedroom door throughout the day, but I ignored them all. Finally, I guess they all got the picture that I wanted to be alone and left.

  I glanced at the alarm clock on my nightstand: 6:30 p.m. I couldn’t believe I had been out that long.

  I looked at my Louis Vuitton luggage, packed and ready to be transported to Belize. A trip they wouldn’t take. Tea. I needed some tea to calm my nerves.

  I stumbled into the kitchen, still numb from the day’s events. I half-expected all the remnants of breakfast to still be cluttering the counters, but Mama Tee had left everything spotless.

  I cut on the teapot before flipping on the light. As I turned toward the pantry, I saw Myles sitting at the kitchen table.

  “Why are you sti
ll here?” My voice was flat, exhausted. I was simply not in the mood to argue with the man who had shattered my world.

  “You’re my wife. Where else would I be?”

  I laughed. A maniacal laugh. “Your wife? Not for long.”

  “So just like that, you’re going to throw everything away?” Myles stared at me with a somber look in his eyes. It wasn’t moving me.

  “You threw it all away when you decided to sleep with two strippers on the eve of our wedding.”

  “I told you, I was drunk. They meant nothing.”

  “You might want to try another defense, because that one isn’t going to fly.” I snatched a teacup from the cabinet, making sure to let the cabinet doors slam.

  “It’s the only one I have. I was just being out. You know, enjoying my last night as a single man.”

  “Oh, you enjoyed it all right. Meanwhile, I was at home, getting a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure so that I could be beautiful for you the next day.”

  “I’m sorry, Rae. You have to know this wasn’t about you. It was just me, sowing some wild oats. Every man does it the night before his wedding.”

  I tried to blow him off and continue making my tea. I didn’t want to argue. After I filled the teapot with water, I set it down on the stove and turned toward him.

  “How many other women have there been?”

  “Rae…”

  “Don’t Rae me. You want me to believe you just slipped up that one time? No. How many other women have there been?”

  Myles shook his head. “That was it. A bachelor party gone out of control.”

  I wanted so desperately to believe him. For the sake of our child, I needed to believe him. But still, that didn’t excuse what I’d seen on that tape. What everyone had seen. I looked down at the diamond glistening on my finger. A symbol of the happily ever after I was supposed to have. Now my hopes of being a power couple were gone. My dream life had been shattered.

  “How could you do this to me?”

  “I’m sorry, okay, babe? I love you. Only you.” He eased toward me. “We are so good together. You know can’t nobody hold a candle to you. Why would I want anyone else?”

  I couldn’t believe I was allowing him to touch me, invade my space, justify his actions. He inched closer, trying to make sure it would be okay to keep touching me. He rubbed his hand up and down my arm. When I didn’t move, he pulled me closer to him. I began sobbing into his chest. He gently rubbed my hair before lifting my face and softly kissing my tear-streaked cheeks. “I’m sorry, baby. I love you so much. I never meant to hurt you.”

  I wanted to curse him out, tell him it was over and to leave me alone. Tell him how he had ruined everything and how I never wanted to see him again. But my mouth could not form the words my heart didn’t feel.

  “I promise I’ll never hurt you again,” Myles said, his eyes watering up.

  Seeing him on the verge of tears tore at my heart. At that moment I knew we had too much at stake to throw it all away over something many a man has probably done at his bachelor party.

  I sighed. Call me stupid, but my life with Myles meant too much to give up over a bachelor party. I pulled out of his embrace, and took of couple of steps back, and rubbed my temple in frustration. “I don’t know if I can get past this.”

  He gently eased toward me. “You can, doll. Think of our life. Think of what we’re about to build. Think about that six-bedroom house we’re buying. Of the impact we’ll make on this town. Don’t throw it all away. We are so good together. I messed up. But I am serious about my vows. From this day forward you never have to worry about me cheating again.”

  I wanted to hit him, scratch his eyes out, anything so he’d know my pain. But at the same time, I just wanted this nightmare to be over.

  “I’m pissed at you, Myles.”

  “I know, baby. I’m sorry. For the millionth time, I’m sorry.” He reached out for me again. At first my body tensed up, but when he caressed my arm, I felt my resolve weakening. “We’re worth it. You know that,” he whispered.

  He pulled me to him and I inhaled his cologne and savored his smell. “I don’t know how long it will take me to forget this. I don’t know if I even can.”

  “I will do whatever it takes.”

  “If I stay, promise me you’ll never hurt me like this again?” I sniffed. “Because I couldn’t take it if you did.”

  He gazed into my eyes, his expression serious. “Cross my heart and hope to die.” He kissed me passionately. At first I tried to resist, but my heart took over and I welcomed his touch.

  “You did what?”

  I groaned. What in the world was I thinking, telling my sister anything? She’d caught me off guard when she asked if I’d put Myles out. Why hadn’t I looked at the caller ID when the phone rang first thing this morning? That’s what the device was for, to screen calls. “Shondella, I’m not getting into this with you. And come to think of it, how’d you get my home number anyway?”

  “What difference does it make?” she snapped. “But if you must know, I called my cell phone from your house yesterday so the number would be stored. But the real question is, why would you take that dog back? The way he embarrassed you, cheated on you.”

  “Shondella, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You haven’t had a meaningful relationship in years.” I wanted to kick myself for sharing any of my personal information with her. But she sounded so self-assured when she called, like she could just picture me alone and miserable. When she’d told me I should just stop putting on airs, thinking I could be with a man like Myles, I’d lost it and told her not only were Myles and I working it out, but we were going to have a happiness she’d never know.

  “Is that what you have? A meaningful relationship?” Shondella sneered.

  I exhaled in frustration. I was tired of talking to her. “What do you want?”

  “Look, I’m only calling because Mama Tee asked me to. We’re leaving this morning and Mama Tee wanted to come by. I told her I would just call and check on you.”

  Finally, some good news. “Have a safe trip home. See you when I see you.”

  “Look, we came to Houston to be here for you on your funky wedding day—”

  “I didn’t ask you to be here.”

  “You know what? You’re right. But Mama Tee gave that old ‘she’s family and family sticks together’ speech. I told her we would be wasting our time coming here. After all, we remind you of a past you’d rather forget.”

  I absolutely, positively hated talking to my sister. But I was tired of arguing with her. Myles and I had a storybook future planned. When I’d left Sweet Poke, I’d promised myself that I would succeed personally and professionally. Breaking it off with Myles would prove I’d failed in my personal life, and I didn’t want that.

  Besides, having a man like Myles love me proved I was worthy and not some discarded little girl. “Look, you just don’t understand. You never have.”

  “Oh, save that bull. You leave the country, shorten your name, and put on all these airs and you think that makes you better than us? Don’t worry yourself, Raedella. I will do my best to make sure none of us bother you or your perfect little world ever again. Have a nice life.”

  She slammed the phone down. I was a little taken aback. Shondella had always been aggressive, but something about her words tore at my insides. It was the conviction with which she said them. I shrugged it off. Maybe my family would finally leave me alone and let me live my life. I smiled at the thought. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate all that Mama Tee had done for me; it’s just that my family held me back, they reminded me of a past I’d rather forget. Plus, I had little patience for their country ways, and to be perfectly honest, they didn’t fit into my life now. The sooner they realized that, the better off we’d all be.

  Chapter 27

  I knew I should’ve stayed in bed. I was leaning out the passenger door of our news truck, throwing up again. It had been nearly a month since my wedding. Myles an
d I had taken a luxurious five-day honeymoon in Belize. We didn’t have one single argument the whole time. With the exception of a few bouts with morning sickness, everything had gone extremely well. I hated to come back, but both of us had to get back to work. Since I’d been back, I was really just going through the motions. The job didn’t excite me anymore.

  I was in the station parking lot about to head out to interview Houston’s mayor in twenty minutes. My photographer, Ray, and I were doing a profile on the mayor’s final year in office. Myles was still trying to figure out if he’d get the mayor’s endorsement, so I was hoping to ease that into the conversation. But now, I’d be lucky if I didn’t throw up all over him. Not only did I feel nauseous, but I was exhausted and it was only ten in the morning.

  “Are you going to be okay?” Ray asked. He was looking at me with a disgusted look across his face. I guess he was worried about me throwing up in his new Ford Expedition news truck.

  “Yeah,” I responded, wiping my mouth. “That Chinese food I had last night must’ve been bad. I’ve been throwing up all day.” I hadn’t told anyone at work yet I was pregnant. I was trying to wait until I was well into my second term.

  “Maybe we should reschedule this interview.”

  “No, it took me too long to get this set up. If I cancel now, I can forget about doing this interview.” Normally, I would’ve let the producer do the interview, but since I had a personal agenda, I’d decided to do this one myself.

  “Okay, just let me know if I need to pull over.”

  I nodded as I leaned my head back against the seat. “I should be okay.”

  Ray backed the truck up and began making his way downtown. As we got closer to the mayor’s office, I pulled out my makeup bag to freshen up. I might be sick, but I sure didn’t need to look it.

  “I’m going to pull into this gas station and get a Gatorade. Do you want anything?”

  I shook my head. I just wanted to get back to the station so I could get home. I had a doctor’s appointment later this afternoon, so they already had the fill-in anchor scheduled to do my newscast today. If we could wrap up this interview quickly, I could be back home in more than enough time to take a nice, long nap before my appointment. I closed my eyes as Ray navigated the Expedition into the Shell station. I heard him get out of the truck and prayed that he would make it quick.