I Know I've Been Changed

by ReShonda Tate Billingsley

  Reno reached up and wiped away my tears. He then took my hand and gently closed my eyes. “Let us pray…”

  Chapter 34

  I flinched as Mama Tee flicked on the light in my bedroom.

  “Okay, I gave you two days to sit in this bed and mourn. Now, enough of that. It’s time to get up.” Mama Tee walked to the window and pulled back the drapes.

  I moaned as I pulled the covers over my face. I should’ve known that wouldn’t stop my grandmother. She grabbed my blanket and the top sheet and pulled them completely off the bed. I shivered as the cool breeze shot up my spine.

  “Mama Tee, please, I don’t feel like getting up,” I whined.

  “I ain’t felt like doing a lot of things but I had to do them nonetheless. So get on up.”

  “Why won’t you just let me get over my depression? I just lost my baby.”

  “And I’m not downplayin’ that. But you knew you was gon’ lose the baby. God don’t give us more than we can handle. Now get up.”

  “Maybe my losing the baby was God’s payback,” I said somberly as I sat up.

  Mama Tee shook her head. “Gal, don’t talk that nonsense. My Lord don’t work like that. I know. I got a personal relationship. I have him over to dinner every night.” Mama Tee smiled as she adjusted the drapes. Suddenly she started banging on the window. “Mercedes, get your little fast behind down outta that tree before I come out there and beat you into next week,” she screamed. I peered out the window just in time to see Shondella’s oldest daughter scurry down out of the tree. “Them damn chil’ren get on my nerve. Why they all up in my peach tree? Know I done told they little tails about that. Now, as I was saying,” Mama Tee continued, turning back to face me, “me and the Lord, we got a personal relationship. And even though He said vengeance is mine, He don’t work like that. So you just get that foolishness out your mind and get on up outta that bed. We gotta go to June Bug’s wedding today.”

  I looked at her like she was crazy, not just for her cursing and praising the Lord in the same breath, but because she actually thought I was going to somebody’s wedding. “I don’t feel like going to a wedding.”

  “And I repeat, I do a lot of things I don’t feel like doing.” Mama Tee headed toward the door. “Be ready to go in thirty minutes,” she said without looking back.

  I silently cursed as I dragged myself out of the bed. It had been two days since I’d come home from the hospital and I hadn’t moved. I made my way to the bathroom and began running bathwater. “Why doesn’t Mama Tee get a shower?” I mumbled as I tried to adjust the steaming-hot water. I looked around for some bubble bath. Growing up, we never used the stuff. Mama Tee believed a bar of soap and some hot water were all you needed. But times had changed so I knew she had to have had some somewhere.

  “Mama Tee, do you have some bubble bath?” I called out.

  “Hold on,” she responded. I had started taking off my gown when she entered the bathroom, walked straight to the tub, and started pouring in a green liquid.

  “What is that?” I peered at the set of hands on the front of the bottle.

  “Palmolive.”

  “Dishwashing liquid?”

  “And?” Mama Tee looked at me as if it were perfectly normal to use dishwashing liquid for bubble bath.

  “Mama Tee, that’s for dishes.”

  “Girl, you wanted bubbles, you got bubbles.” She turned and walked out of the bathroom before I could say anything else.

  I thought about draining the water and just taking a bath without the bubbles, but I decided a little Palmolive wouldn’t kill me. I sank into the tub and enjoyed the hot water as it surrounded my skin.

  After my brief, yet relaxing bath, I dressed and met Mama Tee downstairs and we headed to the wedding.

  Ten minutes later we were standing in front of Greater Gethsemane. I stared up at the huge cross that sat on top of the building. It looked like it was about to topple over at any moment.

  “Why don’t they fix that?” I asked Mama Tee, who was fumbling through her purse.

  “We fixed it once and it fell right back over. So we left it alone.” Mama Tee found the handkerchief she must’ve been looking for and used it to dab the beads of sweat off her forehead. “That cross done withstood all kinds of storms. Pastor says it’s a sign that you may bend, but with the Lord on your side, you won’t break.”

  I stared at her. “What are you trying to say, Mama Tee?”

  “It ain’t what I’m trying to say, it’s what I’m saying.” She put the handkerchief back in her purse. “Maybe if you’d had the Lord on your side all along, nothing coulda broke you. Not no man, no job, not even your mama.” Mama Tee walked on in.

  I was still thinking about what Mama Tee had said as I followed her in. We took our seats on June’s side of the church. I was surprised at all the emotions I felt as I sat in the third row of the church I had grown up in.

  The vestibule was nicely decorated, which was a total shock to me. June had absolutely no class, so I was expecting a ghetto-fabulous wedding. And if the wedding programs were any indication, I was going to have to bite my tongue to keep from cracking up. The homemade programs looked like they were printed on a home computer with an ink-jet printer. There was a picture of June and Shoshanna on the front. Not even a nice picture. One of those you take at the mall and put on buttons. Then inside there was a collage of them and their three children. I vaguely remembered the girl he was marrying. A cocoa-brown girl, she was two years behind me in high school. I knew she had twins by June. They were five years old now and she’d had a baby a year ago. I guess June decided to finally marry her. I’m sure it was because she was pressuring him.

  “Lawd, have mercy,” Mama Tee mumbled, as she fanned herself with the Martin Luther King Jr. funeral-home fan.

  I leaned in and whispered, “What?”

  Mama Tee kept her eyes focused straight ahead. “Look at Shoshanna’s mama. She look like a two-dollar hooker who needs to give you some change back.”

  I turned my attention to the tall, busty woman making her way down the aisle. She had on a bright yellow, sequined suit with a matching hat. Her skirt was so tight she could only take small steps or else all her goods would bust out.

  “She look like a straight hussy. Shame on her. Probably came straight from the club,” Mama Tee muttered as Shoshanna’s mother made her way toward them. “Well, hello, Sister Banks. You sho’ is looking lovely today. I just love that bright yellow on you. Everybody ain’t brave enough to wear something so…so colorful.”

  My mouth dropped at the sudden change in Mama Tee’s tone.

  “Thank you, Ms. Rollins. You know I had to look my best for my baby girl. You know we’s about to be family now so that means you gon’ have to share your recipe for sweet potato pie with me.”

  “Call me, sugar,” Mama Tee said, flashing Ms. Banks a fake smile. She squeezed Mama Tee’s hand and sashayed to her seat. Mama Tee turned to see me staring at her. “What? I can’t just be mean to the woman, now can I?”

  I just shook my head and tried not to laugh. Maybe coming to this wedding was just what I needed to get me out of my slump. I had already laughed more in the last hour than I had in the last few months.

  I felt my heart flutter when I noticed Reno coming into the church. My smile quickly faded when I noticed his wife and kids were right behind him. He waved at me, then took his wife’s hand and slid into a back pew. His wave didn’t go unnoticed, and his wife shot me a look that I couldn’t quite make out.

  The pianist started playing, signaling that the wedding was about to start.

  “Get ready for a show,” Mama Tee mumbled.

  I leaned in and whispered, “It doesn’t look like it’s going to be that bad.” I think I spoke too soon, because the pianist stopped playing and someone turned on a cassette that began playing “I Wanna Be Your Man” by Roger Troutman. Then June came pimpin’ down the aisle to that song. He had on an all-white tux, a top hat, and a cane.


  Mama Tee threw me an I-told-you-so look. That was just the beginning of the spectacle. The bridesmaids and groomsmen began making their way in. I guess making sure your hair was at least two feet high was a requirement, because every one of the bridesmaids had her hair swooped up into a French twist. And each of them had deep burgundy hair with glitter sprinkled throughout. Shoshanna’s wedding colors were burgundy and gold, but good grief. And then the groomsmen weren’t any better. Two had cornrows, three had Jheri curls, and the others all had huge unkempt Afros.

  After all twelve bridesmaids and groomsmen made their way to the front to “Computer Love,” a little boy came running down the aisle, blaring a trumpet. He stopped at the front of the church and screamed, “The bride is coming! The bride is coming!”

  The audience stood up and the church’s back doors opened to reveal the bride. She actually looked quite nice in a strapless wedding gown. The train was probably a mile and a half long, but other than that, the off-white dress was pretty. She was escorted by a man with a Jheri curl so wet that the tuxedo rental place was sure to be furious when he returned it.

  The wedding itself actually turned out to be uneventful, with the exception of Aunt Ola wailing as usual.

  We were all standing outside the church when I saw Rose. She had on a pair of sunglasses and a large-brimmed hat. But there was no disguise that could keep me from recognizing my own mother. She was leaning up against a tree outside the church, puffing on a cigarette and rolling it nervously between her fingers.

  I tugged on Shondella’s arm. “Look.” I nodded my head toward Rose, and Shondella’s gaze followed. The smile immediately left her face, and after staring for a few minutes, she turned back toward me.

  “Should we go say something?” I asked.

  “You can do whatever you want. Me and my kids are leaving.” Shondella grabbed her girls’ hands and dragged them toward her car.

  I stood there staring at Rose. She looked like she wanted to say something. I contemplated following Shondella’s lead and turning away and acting like I’d never seen my mother. But Mama Tee’s words rang in my head. “The source of all your problems stems from your mama.”

  No, it was past time for us to talk. I slowly walked toward her. I heard Shondella call my name, but I ignored her and kept walking.

  “Still puffing those cancer sticks, I see.”

  Rose looked at the cigarette, then threw it to the ground before grinding it with her foot. “Old habits die hard.”

  “Ummm-hmmm.”

  We stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes.

  “So, how you doing?”

  “I’ve been better. I thought you’d moved to Houston.”

  “I left. There was nothing there for me anymore…since you left.”

  She looked like she was struggling for something to say. I couldn’t feel any sympathy for her. It wasn’t my fault she didn’t know what to say to her own daughter. “I heard about all that stuff that happened to you. I kept up with you. How successful you was and all,” Rose softly said.

  I looked at her and had no idea what to say. Was I supposed to be grateful that she had been following my life?

  “I also heard you lost your baby the other day. I’m sorry.”

  I stood there speechless. I didn’t need or want her sympathy.

  “Sugar Smack—”

  I shot her a mean look. As far as I was concerned, she had lost the right to call me that. I guess she realized that because she corrected herself. “I mean, Raedella—you gon’ be all right. You were raised to be a strong—how you say it?—resilient woman. So you gon’ make it.”

  I shot her an incredulous look. “How do you know how I was raised?”

  She lowered her head. “I guess I deserved that one.”

  “I guess you did.”

  Rose removed her sunglasses. “Raedella, I need to make amends.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?”

  “No, I’m saved now. I want to get things right with my family. With God.”

  I cocked my head in confusion. Was I supposed to feel anything but contempt for the woman who had abandoned me at a gas station? Was I supposed to take her into my arms and act like all was well with the world because she had claimed to find Jesus? I didn’t think so.

  “I know there’s no hope for me and your sister. Believe me, I’ve tried. But she hates me.”

  “Can you blame her?”

  She ignored me and kept talking. “But I’m hoping I can reach you. You always was the one with the big heart.”

  I laughed when I thought of all the people who would think she was crazy to say something like that. “Correction, Rose. I lost any semblance of a heart the day you walked out of my life.”

  “You can’t mean that.”

  “Oh, I mean it. Just ask anyone who knows me. You abandoned me and I spent all my life looking for a love to replace yours.”

  “You had Mama.”

  “Your mama. I wanted mine. And when I couldn’t have you, I learned the only way to never be in that position again was to always look out for myself. Nobody else mattered but me. I had no friends, a cheating man, and it was all because of you.”

  I was shocking myself. Where was all of this coming from? I had never equated my mother’s abandonment with the way I was. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Not having my mother had made me bitter.

  “Do you remember how sweet I was as a little girl?” I continued. “Well, I’m the total opposite now. Or I was. I wanted to forget you existed. I wanted to forget this side of my life existed. But Mama Tee wouldn’t let me. I pushed and pushed and pushed her away and she kept coming back. Where were you? Why did you never come back? You lived forty miles away! Why did you never come back?” I was screaming and crying now and hadn’t even realized it. Rose looked like she didn’t know what to do. I was releasing years of pent-up anger and I didn’t care about her feelings. I was just about to let into her some more when I felt someone grab my arm.

  “Come on, Rae. She ain’t worth it.” Shondella was pulling me. She wouldn’t even look at Rose. “You don’t need the stress.”

  I jerked my arm away. “No, she has a lot of nerve, showing up here now, talking about she saved and expecting somebody to feel sorry for her.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been miserable all my life,” Rose said softly.

  I glared at Rose. “You’ve been miserable? You hear that, Shondella? She’s been miserable. Do you think we care about your misery? Do you think we care that all of a sudden you are saved and sanctified? As far as we’re concerned, you died the day you drove off and left us.”

  Rose pleadingly looked at Shondella. “I know you hate me, but I’m still your mother. Will you please talk to your sister?”

  Shondella turned and walked off.

  By this time, Mama Tee and several other people had noticed the commotion and began making their way over toward the tree where we were standing. Mama Tee rushed to me. “Rose, what are you doing?”

  “Hey, Mama,” Rose said.

  “Don’t come here starting no trouble, Rose. This girl been through enough.”

  “I know that, Mama. I just want to make peace.”

  I stared at her with tear-filled eyes. “It’s too late for peace. Just go back to wherever you’ve been all these years and leave me alone!” I turned and walked away, calling out to my sister, “Shondella, wait for me!”

  Rose may have found Jesus, but it was going to take even more than His help for me to let her back into my heart.

  Chapter 35

  “Somebody get me an ax,” I muttered. I knew I was talking to myself, but that rooster was driving me crazy. It was barely daylight and he was crowing like there was no tomorrow. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why Mama Tee kept that rooster around. She got up at the break of dawn anyway, so it’s not like she needed it to wake her up. My mind flashed back to how Mama Tee used to slaughter her chickens, grabbi
ng one by the neck, swinging the animal around in the air, then laying it across the tree stump before chopping its head off. I remembered how terrified I used to be when that headless chicken would get up and run around for five minutes before flopping over and dying. Then Mama Tee would wonder why I’d rather starve than eat her fried chicken.

  Uncle Frank was having another coughing fit, and I swear it sounded like he was about to cough up a lung.

  I moaned as I rolled out of bed. Forget about going back to sleep, my head was throbbing. That rooster would be crowing the rest of the morning. I stumbled into the kitchen, where Mama Tee was already up and making coffee. Shondella was sitting at the table reading the paper.

  “Does everyone around here get up early?”

  “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a woman healthy, wealthy, and wise,” Mama Tee sang.

  I rolled my eyes. “May I please have a cup?” I motioned to the coffeepot as I plopped down in a chair at the kitchen table.

  Mama Tee poured me a cup, then handed it to me. “You wanna talk about it?” she asked.

  I knew it was just a matter of time before she brought up Rose. Shondella must have known it was coming, too, because she immediately closed the paper, set it down, stood up, and left the kitchen.

  After following Shondella with her eyes, Mama Tee turned back to me. “How you feeling?”

  “Why do you keep Uncle Frank around? Don’t you think he’d be better off in a home?” I listened to him wheeze and cough in the living room.

  “He don’t want to be in a home. And I keep telling you, he’s family. Family is always first.” Mama Tee shook her head as she chastised me. “Besides, he won’t be here much longer.”

  My eyes grew wide.

  “No, I’m not predicting his death.” Mama Tee laughed. “He does that enough. You remember his daughter, Christina? Well, she doing mighty well in California and she wants to bring him out there with her. Seems to think that California smog will make him better.” Mama Tee shook her head like it was the most absurd thing she’d ever heard. “But who am I to argue with that chile about her own daddy? He’ll be gone by the end of the week.” Mama Tee shook her finger at me. “But see, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what family does. Family is supposed to be there for you through thick and thin. I don’t think you’ve ever quite gotten that.”