False Icons and Sacred Cows

by Nathan Allen

  Chapter 6

  The pop star’s shocking and very public demise marked an apparent turning point in how society viewed the nature of celebrity. People saw they could no longer tolerate being nothing more than fawning drones to the stars, and they had to face up to their own complicity in this terrible state of affairs. This could not go on.

  Numerous public figures including George Takai, Tom Waits, Amy Adams, Rod Stewart, Art Garfunkel, Rachel McAdams, Paul Giamatti, Rupert Grint, Jamie Lee Curtis, Vincent D’Onofrio, James Van Der Beek and Björk renounced their celebrity status and retreated from the limelight, never to be seen or heard from again. Taylor Swift, a popular singer who often invited arbitrary celebrities onto stage for no reason other than to allow her fans to scream at them, ceased performing altogether. She also disbanded her Sycophant Squad of celebrity buddies.

  Irish singer Enya quit music to focus on her environmentalism and her efforts to save endangered whales. Legendary Queen frontman Adam Lambert retired from showbiz and now volunteers in an orphanage for Syrian refugees. Rapper Azealia Banks dropped her “crazy bitch” act and accepted a job as a loans officer at a local financial institution.

  However, many stars resisted calls to tone down their spotlight-hogging lifestyles, stubbornly declaring that to do so would mean “the terrorists had won”. Seminal punk rock group 5 Seconds of Summer carried on performing, but were later forced to abandon a planned world tour due to an unforeseen drummer beheading. Twilight star Taylor Lautner was found bludgeoned to death in his hotel room, hours before he was due to accept a lifetime achievement award at the MTV Movie Awards. Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine was discovered backstage at the same event, lying face-down in a pool of blood with a knife protruding from his back. Non-famous band members Jesse Carmichael, Mickey Madden, James Valentine, PJ Morton and Matt Flynn all escaped unharmed.

  Months went by, and the killings continued unabated. The wave of carnage was as relentless as it was indiscriminate. No apparent distinction was made between “good” celebrities and “bad” celebrities. If they were famous, they were in the crosshairs.

  Actors Vince Vaughan, Gary Sinese, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis, Sean Penn, Jeremy Renner and Kevin Sorbo were all shot and killed, as were musicians Ice T, Ted Nugent, Miranda Lambert and Kid Rock. Nugent was gunned down wearing an NRA-approved t-shirt bearing the slogan “Guns Don’t Kill People, Crazy Priests Kill People”.

  A number of suspects were currently being held by police following the murders of Ryan Reynolds, Dana Carvey, Max Landis, Adele, Jessica Simpson and Seth MacFarlane. These were believed to be copycats inspired by the mysterious priest, who at present remained at large.

  Despite multiple eyewitnesses to his many crimes, little was known about the man responsible beyond the fact that he was “white”, “old” and “foreign”. Much of the cell phone footage obtained from the concert was too shaky or out of focus to be of any use to investigators. The police and Catholic Church both stated that it was unlikely the suspect was an actual priest, and that his attire was either a gimmick or meant to be interpreted as some sort of metaphor.

  Celebrity president Donald Trump implored the public to not be afraid in the face of these attacks. He declared the best response was for people to carry on living their lives as normal. He made this statement shortly after increasing the annual Homeland Security budget by $10 billion and tripling the number of secret service agents assigned to protect him.

  Instagram went into liquidation once the rich and famous deactivated their accounts and deserted the app en masse. Of those who remained, the majority took to posting landscapes and inspirational quotes rather than mirror selfies and red carpet glamor shots. Snapchat filed for bankruptcy, while Twitter was now predominantly used as an emergency broadcast system.

  Sales of balaclavas, burqas and niqabs rose as celebrities sought to conceal their identity and protect themselves from prying eyes. They discovered that your anonymity was a lot like your virginity – once it was lost, there was nothing you could do to get it back.

  One by one, reality television programs disappeared from the air. The once fame-hungry subjects were now less enthusiastic about exposing every aspect of their lives to millions of strangers, while soaring insurance premiums made their production increasingly unviable. Entertainment-based TV shows and celebrity-centered magazines were next on the chopping block. Their content ran dry when fewer and fewer stars were willing to give up their time to speak with them.

  Book burnings were organized by concerned citizens groups, worried about the insidiousness of celebrity culture slowly creeping into society. Copies of Kim Kardashian’s Selfish, Paris Hilton’s Confessions Of An Heiress and Krystal Blayze’s #YOLO, Bitch! were all incinerated.

  With shrinking demand for their services, members of the paparazzi sold their cameras and commenced new careers as telemarketers, parking attendants and debt collectors, attaining levels of self-worth and self-respect they never believed possible.

  Over time, the lives of the regular non-famous population were also affected, but in substantially different ways. They left their homes more, and began interacting with their neighbors and their community. They accepted the fact that they would never become famous, and they were perfectly fine with that. They realized it was more important to be a kind and decent person, and they didn’t need the approval of millions of strangers to feel good about themselves. They reverted to using real language when conversing with one another, forming complete sentences without having to quote popular television shows or internet-spawned buzzwords and infantile catchphrases. Parents paid more attention to their own children and less to Angelina Jolie’s and Jennifer Garner’s offspring. Academic performance improved across the world now that trivial matters no longer occupied students’ minds.

  Worldwide church attendances steadily increased to levels not seen since the end of the Second World War, reversing a seventy-year downward trend that commenced with the advent of television. Charity work and volunteerism rose, while atheism sunk to an all-time low.

  Fr. Gerdtz saw his Twitter followers rise to over twenty thousand.

  Time passed. Life went on, and the horrors of recent events faded from the public’s memory. Fr. Gerdtz disposed of his weapons and resumed a life of relative normality. He carried on with his work at the church, speaking to captive audiences and near-full houses on a weekly basis. His Twitter following peaked at just over twenty-four thousand before gradually receding. It now sat at around sixteen thousand.

  His appearances in the media dried up, and he no longer Googled himself.

  Despite all the blood spilled and lives lost, he felt an immense satisfaction with everything he had accomplished. The cult of celebrity had been all but wiped out. People rediscovered their faith, and each other. They showed less interest in material wealth and placed greater value in spiritual enrichment. Strangers were kinder to one another, and were quick to help out those who had fallen on hard times. Citizens said hello to passers-by in the street rather than move around wordlessly with their faces glued to their digital screens. They consulted doctors and nutritionists when seeking dietary advice, and stopped mindlessly following the fad diets favored by the stars. They read newspapers and listened to respected journalists and academics when forming opinions on politics and current events now that celebrities no longer told them what to think.

  Hollywood continued to produce films and television programs, but the public understood that the actors appearing in them were simply attractive-looking ciphers, and their job was of no more importance than that of a dentist or plumber. When their work was done they were paid an adequate rather than excessive wage, and they lived normal lives away from the glare of the cameras. Corporations no longer showered them with free luxury items, and universities ceased their bizarre practice of awarding them honorary degrees.

  Everything was as it should be.

  Until one night, when Fr. Gerdtz’s peaceful sleep was interrupted by his ceiling separa
ting and a familiar kaleidoscopic mass of light and color flooding inside. He opened his eyes, and the face of God appeared before him once again.

  “You have done something remarkable,” God told him. “You have changed the world for the better. But I have one more task for you.”

  “I’m finished with all that,” Fr. Gerdtz said. “I did what was asked of me. We achieved what we set out to achieve. The celebrities have been put in their place. No more unnecessary killing.”

  “Your job is not yet complete. The virus may be dying, but it has not been completely eradicated. It lies dormant, awaiting the right moment to reemerge. And when it does, it may return stronger than ever.”

  Fr. Gerdtz pulled his blanket up to his chin. “Get somebody else to do it. I’ve put my guns away. For good.”

  “You may reconsider when you hear what they have planned.”

  God informed him of an event due to take place in the coming weeks. It involved hundreds of former celebrities converging on the one location to revel in their excess and fawn endlessly over one another. While almost all high-profile gatherings had been canceled in light of recent events, the organizers of this particular one refused to give in.

  “That can’t be true,” Fr. Gerdtz said. “After everything that has happened, surely no one would risk hosting something like that.”

  “You fail to understand the mindset of the faded star,” God said. “They suffer from a chronic ailment known as Limelight Deprivation Syndrome. Their former status in the world haunts them like a twitching phantom limb. They refuse to live as normal civilians, working regular jobs and living regular lives. These people have become addicted to the exposure. Despite the inherent risks they are physically incapable of staying away. And if this event is allowed to go ahead it could mark the beginning a celebrity resurgence. It will undo everything you have accomplished.”

  Fr. Gerdtz closed his eyes for a moment. “Can I at least have some time to think about it?”

  “Of course. But before you make your decision, you may wish to take a look outside your front door.”

  The light faded away a moment later. Fr. Gerdtz climbed out of bed and pulled on his robe and slippers.

  Another mystery package was on his doorstep. This one was much larger and heavier than any of his previous deliveries. He had to strain to lift it up.

  He carried it to the kitchen table and slowly removed the wrapping. Despite his reservations about this latest proposal, he couldn’t deny the tiny spasm of excitement he felt as he cut through the packing tape. He was like a child unwrapping a present in the early hours of Christmas morning.

  The weapon contained within the box was unlike anything he had seen before. In fact, it was unlike anything anyone had seen before, as it had been specifically assembled just for him. It had an assortment of switches, buttons, dials and digital screens, along with dozens of hi-tech features and settings. At the bottom of the box he discovered a seventy page instruction manual.

  The cover page said: How To Use Your New LMN-8R.