The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  Why should you never run over a chav on a bike?

  It’s probably your bike.

  What’s the most confusing day of the year for a chav?

  Father’s Day.

  Two chavs race their Vauxhall Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first – who wins?

  Society.

  CHILDBIRTH

  A white guy is awaiting his newborn baby in the delivery room. The midwife comes in and hands him a black baby. “Is this yours?” asks the nurse.

  “Quite probably,” he replies, “she burns everything.”

  A young girl in the maternity ward is just about to go into labour when the midwife asks her if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband,” she replies.

  “Okay. Do you have a boyfriend?” asks the midwife.

  “No, no boyfriend either.”

  “Do you have a partner, then?”

  “No, I’m single, I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

  After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.”

  “Well,” replies the girl, “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live and so I accepted a job in a porno film. The lead man was black.”

  “Oh, I see,” says the midwife. “That’s really none of my business and I’m sorry I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”

  “I’m not surprised,” the girl again replies. “You see, the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.”

  “Okay,” continues the girl, “there was also a little Chinese man in the movie, and I really had no choice.”

  At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and gives it a slap on the backside, whereupon the baby starts crying.

  The mother says, “Thank Christ for that!”

  “What do you mean?” asks the midwife.

  “Well,” says the girl, extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.”

  A woman goes to her doctor, who confirms that she is pregnant. As this is her first pregnancy, the doctor asks her if she has any questions. “Well, I’m a little bit worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

  “Well, it varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and it is hard to describe pain.”

  “Can’t you give me some idea, doctor?” she asks.

  He thinks for a while and says, “Okay, try this. Hold your upper lip between your forefinger and thumb and pull it out a little.

  “Like this?”

  “Yes. Does that hurt?”

  “Yes, but only a little.”

  “Now pull out a bit more. Does that hurt?

  “Yes!”

  “Okay. Now stretch it over the top of your head.”

  A woman is in labour, screaming in pain and ranting and raving at everyone in the maternity ward. She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you bastard!”

  He replies casually, “If you recall, my sweet, I wanted to stick it up your arse. But you said, ‘Fuck off, it’ll be too painful.’”

  An Englishman, a Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each is the father of a bouncing baby boy.

  “Unfortunately there’s just one small problem,” she adds. “Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to which parent. Would you mind identifying them?” The three men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

  Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. “Yes, this is definitely my baby,” he says confdently.

  “Er, excuse me,” says the Jamaican, “but I think it’s obvious that this is my son.”

  The Englishman pulls him aside and says, “I see where you’re coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I’m not prepared to gamble.”

  A man was pacing nervously up and down the waiting room at a maternity ward when he looked up and saw a doctor approaching. The doctor took a deep breath and announced: “You have a baby daughter. There’s nothing wrong, exactly, but your child is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

  The man looked back blankly. “A hermaphrodite? What’s that?” he asked the doctor.

  “It means your baby has the features of a male and a female,” the doctor replied.

  The man turned pale. “Oh my God! You mean it has a vagina and a brain?”

  CHINA AND THE CHINESE

  A Chinese man calls into work and says, “Solly boss, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

  “You know something,” his employer replies, “I really need you in here today. Tell you what, when I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

  A couple of hours later he calls in again. “I do what you say boss and I feel great. I be at work soon.”

  “Didn’t I tell you?” says his employer, feeling quite pleased with himself. “I look forward to seeing you later.”

  “Okay, boss. By the way, you got velly nice house.”

  What does a Chinaman do when he has an erection?

  He votes.

  Why can’t Chinese couples have Caucasian babies?

  Because two Wongs don’t make a white.

  Three Chinese labourers are working on a building site when the foreman calls them over. If they can carry an extra pallet of bricks, he tells them that there will be an extra £50 in their wages.

  The first man adds an extra pallet of bricks and the foreman is well pleased.

  The second man also lifts an extra pallet and the foreman is even more pleased.

  The third one tries with all his might but he just can’t lift an extra pallet. The foreman tells him: “You are the weakest chink. Goodbye.”

  A young man was lost in the woods when he came across a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard.

  “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

  “Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will infict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

  “Okay,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young and attractive with an amazing figure. She was also obviously very sex-starved because she couldn’t keep her eyes off the young man during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he politely ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear.

  He crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. The next morning he awoke to a feeling of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

  “Well,” he smiled to himself, “if that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have too much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out of the window. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he looked down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Thinking quickly on his feet, and figuring that a couple of broken legs were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he spotted a large sign on the ground loomi
ng towards him that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

  What’s the definition of a clunt?

  Someone who runs away from a Chinese chip shop without paying.

  A deaf mute man works his way up in the Chinese Triads and gets the job of collecting protection money on a small patch in Chinatown. After a couple of months in the job, however, he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. His Triad bosses soon realize that they are short by about £50,000. They send their best enforcer to sort it out. He finds the deaf mute money collector to ask him where the money is, but they can’t communicate so the enforcer drags him off to a poor Chinese restaurant owner who knows sign language.

  “Ask him where the money is,” demands the enforcer.

  The restaurant owner signs to the man, who he knew had been terrorizing the neighbourhood for weeks: “He wants to know where the money is.”

  The deaf mute signs back, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Go fuck yourself.”

  The interpreter relays this to the enforcer, who promptly pulls out a gun and points in the money collector’s mouth.

  “Now, ask him again where the money is.”

  The terrified deaf mute signs back, “The £50,000 is in a deposit box at Euston Station. The key to the box is in the glove compartment of my car, box number 432.”

  “What did he say?” demands the Triad enforcer.

  The restaurant owner replies: “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about. He thinks you’re a slitty-eyed cunt who doesn’t have the balls to pull the trigger and your mother sucks cock for money.”

  Why are there so many Chinese people in Harrow?

  Because they get off the plane at Heathrow, climb into the taxi and say “Harrow”.

  A Chinese couple get married and the bride is a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

  He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

  “Darring,” he says, “I know dis you firt time and you velly flightened but I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?”

  “I would rike number 69,” she replies.

  He says, “You want beef with bloccolli?”

  A refuse collector is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn’t have a wheelie bin outside, so he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes an old Chinese man comes to the door.

  “Where’s your bin?” the refuse collector asks.

  “I bin upstairs,” the Chinese man replies.

  “No,” the refuse collector continues, “where’s your WHEELIE bin?”

  The old man thinks for a minute then says: “Okay, you got me. I was upstairs having a clafty wank.”

  CHRISTMAS

  Have you heard about the new doll out this Christmas?

  It comes without shoes, clothes, or any possessions at all. It’s called a Zimbarbie doll.

  Have you heard about the new line of tampons with bells and tinsel?

  They’re for the Christmas period.

  The wife gave me a nice long blow job for Christmas. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that our daughter got me the same.

  “My family believes in enjoying a very traditional Christmas. Our grandad hanged himself on Christmas Eve. They didn’t take his body down until 6 January.”

  It was Boxing Day and little Robbie and Timmy are comparing their presents.

  “So what did what did you get?” asks little Robbie.

  “I got a football, a rugby ball, a tennis set, some DVDs, a Wii and loads of games, a 32-inch plasma screen TV, and some books, and a remote control car, and a remote control plane, and a little motorbike. I also got shed loads of sweets and chocolate, and I got to go to Lapland to meet Santa!”

  “Wow!” says Robbie.

  “Yeah, I know! So what did you get?”

  “I got a football and a selection box,” says Robbie.

  “That’s a bit shit, isn’t it?” says Timmy.

  “Yeah, I suppose it is. But then I’m not the one with leukaemia.”

  Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates. “You’ve all led sinful lives,” said St Peter, “but as this is the season of goodwill to all men, I’ll give you a sporting chance. If you can show me something that symbolizes Christmas I will allow you to enter.”

  The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.

  “You may pass through the pearly gates,” St Peter said.

  The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

  St Peter said: “Okay, you may pass through the pearly gates.”

  The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s knickers.

  St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

  The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

  Remember, a doggy is not just for Christmas.

  It’s a great position all the year round.

  I bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar for Christmas. Fucking typical; all the windows are boarded up and some bastard had stolen the chocolate.

  CHURCH

  A church service was just about to commence and the congregation were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan himself appeared at the front of the church. Pandemonium ensued as the church was filled with screams, and everyone was fighting to get out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Very soon the church was empty except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, apparently oblivious that evil incarnate was just a few yards away. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

  “Yes,” the man replied.

  “Do you not fear me?” Satan asked.

  “No, mate,” said the man.

  “Don’t you realize that I can make you fry by lifting one finger?” said Satan.

  “It wouldn’t surprise me,” replied the man, calmly.

  “Do you know that I can cause you horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

  “That wouldn’t surprise me either,” replied the man.

  “And yet you are not afraid?” said the evil one.

  “Not really,” said the man.

  Satan asked, “Why do you not fear me?”

  The man calmly replied, “Because I have been married to your sister for thirty years.”

  One day Mr Smith went to see the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” he said, “I have a problem. Mrs Smith keeps falling asleep during your sermons and it’s very embarrassing. Is there anything I can do?”

  “I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to see your wife from the pulpit and when she falls asleep I will give you a signal. When I give the signal, you stick the hatpin in her leg.”

  The following Sunday, Mrs Smith dozed off once again in church. Seeing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

  “And who, pray, made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mr Smith.

  “Jesus!” Mrs Smith cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.

  “Yes, that’s correct, Mrs Smith,” said the minister.

  Before long, Mrs Smith nodded off again. Once again the minister put his plan to work. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr Smith.

  “God!” Mrs Smith shouted out, as she was harpooned again in the leg.

  “Correct again,” said the minister, smiling.

  Before long, Mrs Smith again dozed off. This time, however, the preacher failed to notice and as he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand motions that Mr Smith incorrectly interpreted as signals to stick his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, “And
what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

  Mr Smith poked his slumbering wife, who cried out, “You stick that motherfucker in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!”

  Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple visit a parish church for the first time. The vicar says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for two weeks.”

  A couple of weeks later the vicar goes to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

  The old man replies, “No problem at all, vicar.”

  “Well done,” says the vicar. “Welcome to the church.”

  He goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

  The man replies, “The first week wasn’t a problem. I confess the second week was a struggle but, yes, we made it.”

  “Well done. Welcome to the church,” says the vicar.

  The pastor then addresses the newlywed couple. “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

  “Well, vicar, unfortunately we failed.”

  “Oh dear,” says the pastor. “That is disappointing.”

  “Well we tried our best. We went twelve days without sex but then one day my wife was reaching for a can of beans on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had to fuck her up the arse.”

  “Oh dear,” says the vicar, “we don’t much like that sort of thing in here.”

  “We understand, vicar,” says the young man. “They’re not too happy about it in Morrisons either.”

  CINEMA

  A man and his wife are enjoying a nice afternoon in the cinema. After half an hour or so she leans over to her husband and whispers: “The man next to me is having a wank.”