The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  “Can ya breathe?” asks the other.

  The woman shakes her head again, by now beginning to turn blue.

  The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers and slowly runs his tongue up and down her arse. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and takes a swig of his beer. His partner says in admiration, “You know, I’d heard about that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.”

  CREMATION

  A woman who had recently lost her husband had him cremated and brought his ashes home. She picked up his urn and poured him out on to the kitchen table. Then, tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to her deceased spouse. “Colin, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

  She paused for a minute, tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Colin, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money.”

  Again, she paused for a few minutes and, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, said, “Colin, that diamond ring you promised me? Yep. Bought it with the insurance money.”

  Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Colin, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.”

  Shortly before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. “How old was your husband? “ he asked.

  “He was ninety-eight,” she sobbed. “Two years older than I am.”

  “Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

  My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning. He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven. He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

  My dad recently died of asbestos poisoning. It took three weeks to cremate him.

  Three gay men died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers were waiting in line at the crematorium at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

  The first said, “My partner loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.”

  The second said, “My partner was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in his favourite lake.”

  The third man said, “My partner was sex mad. I’m going to dump his ashes in a chicken vindaloo so he can tear my arse up just one more time.”

  My grandmother used to have terrible arthritis, which left her completely crippled. She used to drink a litre of olive oil a day. It didn’t help combat the arthritis but it made her cremation a lot quicker.

  CRICKET

  A man goes to the doctor and says: “I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.”

  The doctor says, “How’s that?”

  The man replies, “Don’t you fucking start!”

  The English cricket team went to Australia to try to win the Ashes. As they were going through customs their captain was stopped by immigration control and asked if he had a criminal record. “Nah,” he replied. “To be honest, I didn’t think you needed one any more.”

  A woman walks into a police station and goes up to the reception desk.

  “I’ve just been raped,” she tells the desk sergeant.

  He takes down her personal details and then asks her, “Did you get a look at your assailant, miss?”

  “Yes. He was a New Zealand cricketer,” she replies.

  “How do you know he was a cricketer?”

  “Well, he was dressed all in white. White shirt, white jumper, white trousers and shoes,” replied the woman.

  “I see. Could he possibly have been a crown green bowler, miss? They also wear white clothing,” points out the sergeant.

  “No, he was definitely a cricketer. He still had his pads on.”

  “Fair enough, so he’s a cricketer. But how do you know he’s a New Zealand cricketer?” asks the sergeant.

  The woman replies, “Well, he wasn’t in for long.”

  CRIME

  Tomorrow, I’m going to dress up as Hitler but without any trousers or underwear. I’m going to carry a pig under one arm and a can of spray-paint under the other. Then I’m going to rob my local bank, spray offensive messages on all the walls, fuck the pig seven ways, then leave a big turd out on every desk, before walking out with the money. Let’s see Crimewatch re-create that.

  “Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every two minutes. Of course the poor bastard must be used to it by now.”

  According to government statistics, hippopotamuses kill more people every year than knives. A knife, however, is much easier to conceal.

  A man walks into a police station and says to the duty sergeant, “I live just down the road. You arrested a burglar breaking into my house last night. I’d like to speak to him, please.”

  “Sorry, sir, but you’ll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

  “No,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the fucking house without waking the wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years.”

  A hoodie goes into a Manchester library. The librarian tells him, “In order to borrow a book, you need to prove that you are a resident of Moss Side.” So he stabs her four times.

  The credit crunch has seen elderly women get hit the hardest. The old slags should learn to just let go of their handbags.

  Another indiscriminate shooting spree in America has left fifteen dead, this time in a nursing home for the elderly. During the shooting the gunman was offered a cup of tea twenty-eight times.

  DEAD CELEBRITIES

  What did Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common?

  They were both bumped off by dodgy seamen.

  What did Rod Hull and Emu have in common?

  Neither could fly.

  What sits in the corner of the lounge and crackles?

  Rod Hull’s television.

  What’s the difference between Vanessa Feltz and Rod Hull’s roof?

  One is big, hard to get on top of and covered in green slime, and the other is Rod Hull’s roof.

  Why didn’t Jill Dando drink much alcohol?

  One shot went straight to her head.

  What’s pink and fluffy and hasn’t moved in years?

  Freddie Mercury’s slippers.

  What’s the difference between Jill Dando and a white shirt?

  The white shirt survived the doorstep challenge.

  What did the war in Kosovo and a bullet have in common?

  Jill Dando couldn’t stop either of them.

  Jill Dando’s fiancé wanted to paint the front door red. She was dead against it.

  What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain’s mind as he pulled the trigger?

  A bullet.

  What’s the difference between Kurt Cobain and a pint of cider?

  A pint of cider always looks better without a head.

  What’s the difference between Grace Kelly and Kenny Dalglish?

  Kenny Dalglish could take corners.

  Why did Bob Geldof take up karate?

  Because he heard he could kill Michael Hutchence with a black belt.

  What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died?

  Nothing.

  What’s the difference between Michael Hutchence and Princess Di?

  Hutchence wore his belt.

  Why was Paula Yates attracted to Michael Hutchence?

  Because he was well hung.

  Paula Yates was being considered for the position of England cricket coach at the time of her death. The English Cricket Board thought that her experience of fucking Australians and bringing home the ashes would be invaluable.

  What did Elton John sing at Mother Theresa’s funeral?

  “Sandals in the Bin”.

  What’s red and gather
s dust?

  Natasha Richardson’s passport.

  What’s black and white and goes to bed hungry?

  Heath Ledger’s cat.

  What was Marc Bolan’s last hit?

  Tie a yellow mini round the old oak tree.

  What’s black and very pissed off?

  The reincarnation of Bernard Manning.

  What’s black and shoots across a room?

  Marvin Gaye’s dad.

  “Knock knock”

  “Who’s there?”

  “Diana, Princess of Wales.”

  “Sorry, but I don’t open the door for dead people.”

  “Knock knock.”

  “Who’s there?”

  “Mother Theresa.”

  “I said I don’t answer the door for dead people!”

  “Knock knock.”

  “Who’s there?”

  “Elvis Presley.”

  “Hurry up, Burger King shuts in half an hour . . .”

  Roy Castle finally made it into the Guinness Book of Records. They gave him six months to live and he did it in two.

  Did you hear they had to pull Steve Irwin’s line of sun care products?

  Apparently they don’t protect you from harmful rays.

  What’s blue, hangs from the ceiling and doesn’t fit any more?

  Ian Curtis.

  Gene Pitney’s undertakers have said that it will take ten weeks to make him a coffin from oak . . . or twenty-four hours from balsa.

  How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

  He doesn’t, he’s dead.

  John Lennon, John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King went out for a beer.

  Who got the first round in?

  The sniper behind the grassy knoll.

  DEAFNESS

  I met a girl the other day and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, “Where the hell did you get her from, son? She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged and all her teeth are black!”

  I told him, “Dad, there’s no need to whisper, she’s also deaf.”

  Why did the deaf boy’s girlfriend wear tight jeans?

  So he could read her lips.

  Why do deaf women masturbate with one hand?

  So they can moan with the other.

  How do deaf people have phone sex?

  By fax.

  A deaf mute walks into a chemist’s to buy some condoms. He has difficulty making himself understood and can’t see any condoms on the shelf to point to. Out of sheer frustration he unzips his trousers and flops his cock on the counter then puts down a £5 note next to it.

  The chemist looks at the customer’s penis and the fiver, then unzips his trousers and does the same as the deaf mute. Then he picks up both fivers and stuffs them in his pocket. Baffled and angry, the deaf mute curses the chemist wildly in sign language and storms out of the shop.

  Meanwhile another customer has been looking on, completely bemused. “That was a bit harsh, wasn’t it?” he says to the chemist.

  “Look,” the chemist replies, “if he couldn’t afford to lose, he shouldn’t have been betting.”

  “When the police arrest a deaf and dumb person, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?”

  A man was sitting in a pub and noticed a group of people using sign language. He was also intrigued to note that the barman was using sign language to speak to them. When the barman served him next, the man asked how he had learned to sign. The barman explained that these were regular customers and he picked it up from them.

  The man thought that this was highly commendable. A few minutes later, however, the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

  The barman looked over and signed to them, then shouted, “I warned you about that. Now fuck off out!” and threw the group out of the bar.

  The customer was taken aback and asked what had just taken place.

  “If I told them once I told them 100 times,” replied the barman. “NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

  Why didn’t the deaf girl scream when she fell off the cliff? Because she was wearing mittens.

  A mute was walking down the street one day when he came across a mute friend. He used sign language to greet his friend and ask how he had been doing. “Oh, enough of that hand-waving shit,” replied his friend. “I can talk now.”

  Amazed, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that his friend had been to see a specialist, who, upon finding no physical damage to his vocal cords, had put him on a treatment programme that had restored the use of his voice. Gesturing enthusiastically, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist and they got an appointment that very afternoon.

  After a thorough physical examination, the specialist told him that, indeed, he could find no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his friend, and there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.

  “Yes, yes,” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”

  “Very well,” replied the specialist. “Please go into the next room, drop your trousers and pants and lean over the examining table. I’ll be right in.”

  The mute did as instructed and the doctor sneaked in with a broomstick, a mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he rammed it home with a couple of deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumped from the table, screaming, “AAAaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

  “Very good,” smiled the doctor. “Next week, we move on to ‘B’.”

  My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

  You can say what you like about deaf people . . .

  DENTISTS

  An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her knickers and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynaecologist.”

  “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

  What’s worse than having your doctor tell you that you have gonorrhoea?

  Getting the news from your dentist.

  A Scotsman phoned a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

  “£85 for an extraction, sir,” the dentist replied.

  “£85? You’re joking, mon. Have ye nae got anything cheaper?”

  “That’s the normal tariff, sir,” replied the dentist.

  “I know; what aboot if ye did’nae use any anaesthetic?” enquired the Scot.

  “That would be highly unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 off.”

  “What aboot if yon dental nurse did the extraction instead of you and still wi’ nae anaesthetic?”

  “Well, I can’t guarantee the standard of professionalism and it would be very painful. But yes, the price could drop by £20.”

  “Och, now you’re talking laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scot. “Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday, then?”

  What’s red and very bad for your teeth?

  A house brick.

  I went to the dentist and he said, “Say Aaah.”

  I said, “Why?’”

  He said, “My dog’s died.”

  “My dentist has been voted Dental Surgeon of the Year. Sadly, all he got for it was a little plaque.”

  A man goes to the dentist’s for an examination. The dentist tells him: “This tooth on the lower right has to come out. I’m going to give you a local anaesthetic and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  The man grabs the dentist’s arm, “Please. I hate needles. I’m not having any injection.”

  “Okay,” says the dentist. “We’ll have to go with the gas.”

  The man replies, “Please. No gas. It makes me really sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”

  So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, “Here,” he says. “Take this pill.”

  The man asks, “What is it?”

  The dentist replies, “Viag
ra.”

  The man looks surprised, “Will that kill the pain?” he asks.

  “No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.”

  What do you get when you have thirty-two Glaswegians in a room?

  A full set of teeth.

  A man goes to his dentist for a regular check-up. After the dentist has had a look at the man’s mouth he says, “Hmm. Been licking your wife’s fanny recently?”

  The man looks up in horror and replies: “Oh, God, how embarrassing. Yes, I have. Er, why? Have I got pubes between my teeth?”

  “Not at all,” the dentist replies. “But you have got shit in your nostrils.”

  Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain?

  Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

  DESERT ISLANDS

  A plane carrying some Christian missionaries crash lands in the middle of the south Atlantic ocean. Miraculously, two priests and a nun survive and make it to a remote, barren island. Stranded alone with no expectation of rescue, the three are unable to resist sexual temptation.

  Three months later, however, the nun is overcome by guilt at the sins she has committed and she kills herself.

  Six months later, the two priests also have a crisis of conscience and realize they also cannot cope with the guilt of what they are doing. So they bury the nun.

  A black guy is marooned on a desert island. He finds a lamp on the beach one day, thinking it might be worth a bit if it was cleaned up. He gives it a rub. Poof – out pops a genie! “For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie.