The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes
Page 14
She went on: “There’s no point you trying to talk me out of it, I’ve been having an affair with your best friend and he’s much better in bed than you are.” The husband said nothing, he just slowly increased his speed.
She went on, “I want the house.” By now he’s doing 70 mph. She continued, “I want the children as well.” He put his foot down, up to 80 mph.
She continued, “I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards as well.” He increased his speed to 90 mph and pointed the car towards a concrete support under a motorway bridge.
“Well?” she said. “Aren’t you going to say something?”
He replied, “No thanks, I’ve got everything I need.”
She asks, “Like what?”
Just before they hit the bridge at 95 mph, he replied, “I’ve got the only airbag.”
DIY
I got myself arrested in B&Q yesterday for punching a black woman in the tits. I blame my father. He told me to go to a DIY shop and find a Black & Decker.
A woman goes into a DIY store and buys a wall mirror. The assistant asks: “Do you want a screw for that?”
She replies: “No, but I will suck your cock for a lawnmower.”
A husband and wife had just fnished having sex, when she says to her man: “I’ve never told you this before, but you make love like you decorate.”
He replies: “You mean slowly, with smooth strokes and a professional fnish?”
“No, more like the council. You just bang it up, leave a fucking mess and I have to fnish the job myself.”
DOCTORS
A man goes to the doctor’s complaining about a pain in his backside. The doctor instructs him to remove his clothes and hop on the bed.
“My God!” says the doctor, pulling a lettuce leaf from the man’s arse.
“Tell me the worse doc, how serious is this?”
The doctor looks up with a worried expression on his face and says grimly: “I’m afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
A women walks into a doctor’s with badly grazed knees. The doctor says: “How did you do this?”
The women replies, “Oh, you know, just having the usual sex, doggie style”.
“Do you know any other positions apart from doggie style?” asks the doctor.
“Yes,” the women replies. “But my dog doesn’t.”
A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really ill. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.”
“What the hell is HAGS?” the patient asks.
“It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhoea and swine fu,” replies the doctor.
“Christ!” says the man. “What happens next?”
“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes, fapjacks and pizza.”
“Is that going to cure me?”
“No, you’re going to die,” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we know of that we can slide under the door”.
I went to see the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I’d suffered any memory loss. I replied, “How the fuck would I know?”
A man goes into see his doctor and says, “Every time I see a lorry, I get a hard-on.”
The doctor laughis. “I don’t believe you. Show me.”
So the man walks over to the window and after a lorry passes by, he pulls his trousers down to reveal a huge erection. The doctor says, “I still don’t believe it. Do it again.” So the man goes over to the window, another lorry goes by and sure enough he gets another erection.
“This isn’t possible,” says the doctor, scratching his head. “Give me a blood sample and come back in a couple of weeks time.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the doctor. “Sit down, I have some bad news for you. It appears that you are HGV positive.”
A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor fnishes his examination and tells the man, “I have some bad news. Your situation is very bleak. I estimate you only have about two weeks left to live.”
The man is deeply shocked. He asks the doctor, “Is there is anything I can do?”
The doctor thinks for a while. “Tell you what, there is one thing that you could try.”
“Just name it, doctor, I’ll do whatever it takes.”
The doctor replies: “Take a lot of mud bathis, at least two or three a day.”
“Will that help my condition?”
The doctor says, “No. But it will get you used to the idea of being covered in dirt.”
An attractive young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and asked her, “Is he breast fed or bottle fed?”
“Breast fed,” replied the woman.
“Strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, “No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don’t have any milk!”
“That’s correct,” said the woman. “This is my sister’s child.”
“I’m sorry, I had no idea,” the doctor blurted. “You really shouldn’t have come.”
“I didn’t,” replied the woman, “until you started sucking my right nipple.”
A doctor walked into a bank to sign a cheque. Searching inside his pocket, he pulled out a rectal thermometer. “Bollocks!” said the doctor. “Some arsehole’s got my pen!”
“Doctor, I have a strawberry stuck up my arse.” “Don’t worry. I’ve got some cream for that.”
I went to see my doctor to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.
A young couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The girl started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a wasp inside me!”
The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation. After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to be reached. The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if the young sir would permit.”
The boyfriend agreed that he willing to do whatever it took to get the wasp out. The doctor said, “Okay, what I suggest you do is rub some jam over the top of your penis and insert it into your young lady. When you feel the wasp getting closer to the tip, withdraw it and the wasp should hopefully follow it out.”
The boyfriend agreed, but was so upset and nervous that he was unable to rise to the occasion.
“If neither of you object, I could give it a try,” suggested the doctor.
The boyfriend nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, yes, whatever, please just get on with it!”
The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in jam and mounted the woman. Her boyfriend watched with alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out.
The boyfriend, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted: “Now, wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Change of plan,” gasped the doctor. “The wasp is in too deep. I’m going to try to drown the little fucker.”
“I have to inform you,” a doctor tells his patient, “that your condition is terminal.”
“Give it to me straight, doctor. How long have I got?”
The doctor replies, “Ten . . .”
“Ten what? Monthis? Weeks?”
The doctor continues: “Nine, eight, seven . . .”
A beautiful woman asks her doctor: “Will you kiss me, doc?”
“No, it would be against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor, firmly.
“Please just one kiss,” begs the woman.
“Sorry,” says the doctor, “it’s completely out of the question. Strictly speaking I shouldn’t even really be shagging you.”
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nbsp; One night a man and a woman are both at a bar, knocking back a few drinks. They start talking and it turns that they’re both doctors. After about an hour or so the man says to the woman, “How about a quick shag, no strings attached? It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up, as if she’s about to go into the operating room. After scrubbing for what seems like an eternity, she finally goes in the bedroom and they have sex.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am, how did you know?”
The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anaesthesiologist, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” says the man, a bit surprised. “How did you know?”
The woman answers, “Because I never felt a thing.”
“Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife any more.”
“Okay, Mr Smith, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The following day, the worried husband returns with his spouse.
“Take off your clothes please, Mrs Smith,” the doctor orders. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down, please. I see. Fine, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor takes the husband aside. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Mr Smith,” he says. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
A man goes to his doctor, complaining of multiple illnesses. After a thorough examination the doctor informs him, “You have hypochondria.”
“Bugger,” says the patient, “not that as well.”
A woman goes to her doctor for some tests. The doctor says to her, “I’m sorry to tell you, you only have a few weeks to live.”
She says, “I want a second opinion.”
The doctor replies, “Okay, you’re a fat ugly bint.”
A woman walks into the doctor’s office with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it and prods it. He says, “This is too big a job for me, I’m sending for Pete the pus-sucker.”
Pete the pus-sucker comes in, takes one look at the huge, infamed boil festering with pus and says, “Bloody hell. It’s a big one all right, but I’m going to give it a go. Stand back everyone.”
Pete puts on a lab coat, gets on his knees, presses his lips to her arse and begins to suck the pus from the massive white core of the boil.
About half-way through, the woman slips out a fart. Pete stops what he’s doing and throws up all over the foor. When he’s fnished retching, he looks up and says, “You know, lady, it’s people like you that make this job so gross!”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve got problems with my hearing.”
“What are the symptoms?”
“Aren’t they those yellow people on TV?”
A man went to the doctor’s, sporting an ominous-looking green ring around his cock. He was sitting in the waiting room and got into casual conversation with the bloke next to him, who whipped his own prick out to reveal a similar blemish, only this one was deep red. The bloke next to him was called in for his appointment. A minute later, he walked out whistling. On the way out he cheerfully assured the other man that there was nothing to worry about and waved goodbye.
Hugely relieved, he was in two minds whether or not to leave right there and then when the doctor called him in. Deciding he didn’t want to have wasted his doctor’s time, he walked into the office. “What can I do for you today?” enquired the doctor.
“This is a bit embarrassing, but I wonder if you could take a look at my penis. It’s just a little bit discoloured, but I’m sure I may have overreacted.”
The doctor instructed the man to pull down his trousers. After studying the knob for several minutes, the doctor tucked his patient’s cock and testicles back into his underpants and broke the news.
“I’m very sorry to have to inform you that your penis will have to be amputated immediately.”
“What?” gasped the patient. “The other bloke was just in here just now with the same problem and he said his prick was fne afterwards!”
“That’s true,” said the doctor. “Unfortunately there is a world of difference between lipstick and gangrene.”
A man goes in to his doctor’s surgery and asks, “Doctor, do you think I will live until I’m 100?”
The doctor asks, “Do you drink, smoke or do drugs?”
The man replies, “No.”
The doctor then asks, “Do you like to sleep around with women, and go out partying?”
The man replies, “No, I don’t.”
The doctor then asks, “Well, why the fuck do you want to live until you’re 100?”
A man has been feeling ill and off his food for several days when fnally he decides to see his doctor. After hearing the man’s symptoms and examining him with a stethoscope, the doctor tells him that he had a tapeworm.
“Is that bad? How can I get rid of it?” asks the man.
“Come back tomorrow and bring a hard-boiled egg and a Mars Bar,” replies the doctor. A puzzled look crosses the man’s face. “Trust me,” says the doctor. “I’m the doctor.”
So, the following day the man brings in the hard-boiled egg and the Mars Bar. “Please remove everything below the waist and bend over,” says the doctor.
“Excuse me?” says the man.
“Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. So, the man removes his trousers and underwear and bends over. WHAM! – the doctor shoves the egg up the man’s arse.
“Whoa! Hold on a minute,” shouts the man.
“Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, WHAM! – up goes the Mars Bar. “Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow. And bring with you a hard-boiled egg and a Mars Bar,” says the doctor. As the man starts to protest the doctor says, “Trust me. I’m the doctor.”
The man returns the next day and he brings the hard-boiled egg and the Mars Bar. “Drop your trousers and underwear and bend over,” says the doctor.
“This again?” says the man.
”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. WHAM! – the doctor shoves the egg up his rear. “Oh! I can’t believe I’m doing this!” says the man.
“Hold still now and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, WHAM! – up goes the Mars Bar. “Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard-boiled egg and another Mars Bar,” says the doctor. As the man starts to protest again, the doctor says, “Trust me. I’m the doctor.”
This routine goes on for several days, until one day, after the man pulls up his trousers, the doctor says, “Now I want to see you tomorrow with a hard-boiled egg and a cricket bat.” As the man turns pale the doctor says, “Trust me. I’m the doctor.”
The man spends a sleepless night imagining what could happen on his next visit. He almost bottles it and stays home, but he still feels ill. So the man arrives the next day as instructed, with the hard-boiled egg and the cricket bat.
“Drop your trousers and bend over,” says the doctor.
“But why do we need a cricket bat?” asks the man nervously.
“Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and bends over. WHAM! – the doctor shoves the egg up his anus. “Oh God!” says the man, terrifed of what is to come next.
“Hold still and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is just about on the verge of passing out from sheer terror and can’t help clenching his buttocks as tight as he can. Nothing happens. A couple more minutes pass and he starts to relax.
Suddenly the tapeworm sticks its head out of his rear and says, “Where’s my fucking Mars Bar?” WHAM! – down comes the cricket bat.
DOGS
Three large German Shepherd dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s surgery when they struck up a conversation. The first dog turned to the second and said, “So, why are you here?”
The second dog replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the settee, the drapes, the table, the cat and the kids. But the fnal straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”
The first dog said, “So, what is the vet going to do?”
“Going to give me Prozac, apparently,” came the reply from the second. “All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.”
The first dog then turned to the third dog and asked, “Why are you here?”
The third dog replied: “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m in the house, I dig up the carpets. Unfortunately I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s brand new leather settee.”
“So, what are they going to do to you?” the first dog asks.
“Looks like Prozac for me too,” the dejected dog replies.
The third dog then turned to the first dog and asked, “So, what’s your story?”
“I’m a shagger,” the first dog said. “I’ll shag anything. I shag the cat, a pillow, the table, the kids, whatever. I want to shag everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”
The first and second dogs exchanged a glance and enquired: “So, Prozac for you too, pal, eh?”
“Actually, no,” said the first dog. “I’m here to have my nails clipped.”
What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and a St Bernard?