The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes
Page 16
But the barman still thinks he can put one over him, so he pours a shot of ten-year-old scotch. Again, same reaction from the customer.
Finally, the barman is cowed into submission and he pours the man a glass of twelve-year-old single malt whisky. The customer takes a sip and is completely satiesfied.
Meanwhile a drunk at the end of the bar slides a glass down the bar to the whisky expert and says: “Mister, taste this!” He obliges . . . and quickly spits it out.
“It tastes like piss,” he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: “So it should. How old am I then?”
There’s nothing worse after a night on the lash than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember who they are, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
A drunk walks into a bar full of bikers and orders a drink. He looks around and sees three big, hairy bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up and staggers over to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker square in the face and says: “I went past your grandmother’s house today and I saw her in the window, stark naked. Fuck me, she is one fne-looking woman!”
The biker looks at him but doesn’t say a word. His friends are both mad and confused because he is the baddest biker in the bar and afraid of no man. The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I shagged your grandmother. I fucked her six ways and she was the best I ever had!”
The biker’s friends are starting to get really, really agitated but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it. She squealed like a bitch on heat!”
At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by his lapels, looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandad, go home, you’re drunk.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own Vimto.
The latest pub craze is flling a woman’s vagina with vodka then sucking it out using a straw. Doctors, however, are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
DUCKS
A young hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and gingerly dipped his toes into the water. He waded in and, as the water got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under the water and was only just able to get back to the bank. After resting for a few minutes, the young hedgehog tried again – after going under twice more, he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover, but once he felt ft enough he started back into the water. Meanwhile two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank. One said to the other: “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
Three ducks walk into a bar.
“Hello, who are you?” the barman asks.
The first duck replies, “I’m Huey.”
“I bet you are,” says the barman. “And how’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great, thanks. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” smiles Huey.
“That’s nice,” says the bartender, turning to the second duck. “Hi, and who are you?”
“Dewey,” comes the reply.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” asks the barman.
“Great. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day as well. What more could a duck want?”
The barman turns to the third duck and says, “So, I bet you must be Louie?”
“No,” she says, with a coy smile. “I’m Puddles.”
A duck walks into a chemist’s and says to the assistant, “Give me a chap stick.”
The assistant says to the duck, “Are you paying cash?”
The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”
The next day, the duck goes back to the chemist’s and says to the assistant: “Give me a box of condoms.”
The assistant says, “Do you want me to put them on your bill?”
The duck says, “Hell, no, I’m not that kind of duck.”
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
A duck walks into a bar and says; “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No, we do not have any bread.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No, we haven’t got any fucking bread.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No, are you deaf? We haven’t got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I’ll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating little twat, NOW FUCK OFF!!”
The duck says: “Got any nails?”
The barman says: “No!”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
DYSLEXIA
My friend left the doctor’s today looking really worried. “What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I’ve got the big C,” he said.
“What, cancer?”
“No, dyslexia.”
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sacrificed his mum to Santa.
There is one great advantage in being dyslexic. It doesn’t cost a fortune to get a personal number plate for your car.
“I first realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
Two dyslexics were working in a kitchen.
The first says, “Can you smell gas?” The second replies: “Fuck off. I can’t even smell my own name.”
Two dyslexics robbers ran into a bank. One shouts: “Air in the hands, mother stickers this is a fuck up!”
Did you hear about the dyslexic student who entered a spelling bee?
She came in salt.
A dyslexic bloke goes on a skiing trip to Austria. When he arrives at the resort he asks a local where the ski slope is.
“Don’t know,” replies the local, “I’m a tabogganist myself.”
“That’s okay,” says the dyslexic. “Give me twenty Benson and Hedges then.”
Dyslexia: it means you never have to say you’re syror.
EATING DISORDERS
How do you know you’re at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.
My girlfriend suffers from depression brought on by her having anorexia. I told her she should lighten up.
What does a bulimic call two fngers?
Dessert.
What do you call an anorexic with three teeth missing?
A rake.
Why do bulimics love KFC?
Because it comes with a bucket.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
I dumped my bulimic girlfriend the other day. I’ve never had a problem with her illness, it was just that she was always bringing it up whenever we were eating.
I’m thinking of becoming an anorexic because, according to medical experts, one in ten people with anorexia die. A ninety per cent chance of immortality? That’s good enough for me!
My mother suffers from both bulimia and Alzheimer’s. She sits there all day long stuffing her face with cakes, chocolates, crisps and ice cream, and then forgets to be sick.
Top astrophysicists have announced this week that the universe actually weighis less than previously thought. Apparently the Hubble Telescope adds an extra 10-15 light-years to the universe’s arse and thighis.
I’m dating an anorexic but it’s not going too well. These days, I’m seeing less and less of her.
I was annoyed to be woken up last night by the bulimic in the fat above me. I banged on the ceiling and shouted, “For fuck’s sake, love! Keep it down!”
I have j
ust bought a puppy. When I Googled “BRINGING UP A DOG”, I got thirty Korean bulimia websites.
What did the anorexic say to her boyfriend?
Does this tampon make me look fat?”
Anorexia – ribbed for her pleasure.
ECONOMISTS
Two economists are walking down the road when they come across a pile of dog shit lying on the pavement. The first economist says to the other, “If you eat it, I’ll give you £10,000!” The second economist does some number-crunching and figures out he’s better off eating the shit, so he does and collects the money.
Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another pile of dog shit. The second economist says to his friend, “Now, if you eat this pile of shit, I’ll give you £10,000.” After evaluating the proposal, the first economist eats the dog shit and takes the money.
They continue on. The first economist starts thinking and fnally says to his friend, “Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate shit. I don’t see us being better off.”
The second economist replies, “True . . . however, there is one important fact you have overlooked”.
“What’s that?”
“We have both just been involved in £20,000 of trade.”
ELEPHANTS
How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your garden?
The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a bin liner.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an eighteen-inch diameter arsehole.
One day a female elephant was walking through the woods and she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, “Okay, but what do I get in return?”
The elephant replied, “I’ll do anything.”
“Anything?” said the ant. “Will you let me fuck you up the arse?”
The elephant thought to herself, “What’s this little guy going to do anyway?” So she replied, “Anything – just get this thorn out of my foot!”
So the ant got busy taking the thorn out. When he finally got it out, he looked up at the elephant and said, “Okay it’s out, are you ready?”
The ant climbed up and started to work away. Just then a monkey overhead dropped a coconut on the elephant’s head.
“Ouch,” said the elephant, “that hurt!”
The ant responded, “Yeah, yeah! Take it all, bitch!”
What’s big, red and slimy?
An inside-out elephant.
How do you make a dead elephant float?
You hire a large fatbed truck, put about half a dozen dead elephants on top, decorate it, add a sound system and some dancers.
How can you tell that there are two elephants in your fridge?
You have to put the partly eaten and dismembered body parts of your infant daughter in the freezer instead.
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don’t have string.
An elephant is walking through the jungle when, all of a sudden, he falls into a deep pit. The elephant realizes that there is no chance of him being able to climb out and he is going to die there, so he starts to shout for help.
By chance a passing chicken hears the elephant’s cries and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts down to him: “Don’t worry, elephant. I am going to save you.”
The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around his waist and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit.
The elephant is so grateful to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger.
As chance would have it, a couple of weeks later the elephant is walking through the jungle minding his own business when he hears the sound of a chicken in distress. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. The elephant shouts “Don’t worry chicken, I will save you.”
The elephant throws his tail into the pit. Unfortunately, the tail is too short and the chicken can’t reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk. Alas, the trunk is also too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his penis. Hurrah! The chicken grabs the elephant’s enormous dong and climbs out to safety.
The moral of the story: if you have a big dick you don’t need a red Porsche to pull a chick.
ENGLISHMEN
What’s an Englishiman’s idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging.
Ten Reasons Why it’s great to Be english
1 Two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah doo-dah.
2 Proper beer.
3 You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4 You get to accept defeat graciously in nearly all major sporting events.
5 Union Jack underpants.
6 Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7 You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8 Bathing once a week, whether you need it or not.
9 Ditto changing underwear.
10 It beats being Welsh.
Three Englishimen are in a bar. They see an Irishiman drinking alone and they decide to wind him up. One of the Englishimen walks over to the Irishiman and taps him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St Patrick was an arse bandit.”
“Oh really, himm, I didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishiman walks back to his mates.
“I told him St Patrick was a turd-burglar and he didn’t bat an eyelid.”
“You just don’t know how to set him off,” says one of his friends. “Watch and learn.”
The second Englishiman walks over and taps the Irishiman on the shoulder. “I hear your St Patrick was a transvestite!”
“Really?” shrugs the Irishiman. “I didn’t know that, thanks.”
The Englishiman goes back to his buddies. “You’re right, he’s unshakeable.”
The third Englishiman says: “No, let me try.”
He walks over to the Irishiman, taps him on the shoulder and says, “I hear your St Patrick was an Englishiman!”
“I know,” says the Irishiman “that’s what your mates were saying.”
EPILEPSY
An Englishiman is on holiday in the American mid-west when he wanders into a local bar and has a few beers. After a while he notices there’s one of those mechanical bulls in the corner and he asks the barman if he can have a go.
The barman says “Be my guest.”The Englishiman climbs on and the bull starts moving. “No one’s ever made it past five minutes on their first try, Limey!” the barman warns him. To everyone’s amazement, however, the Englishiman sails through the five-minute mark. He blasts past ten and ffteen, and even after twenty minutes is still holding on.
The locals are awestruck. He’s fast approaching the world record. The barman cranks the bull up to eleven and it goes mad, but the plucky Englishiman hangs on, unfazed. Eventually, after forty-five minutes, the bull breaks down and comes to a halt. The crowd are cheering and whooping as the barman grabs the hand of the Englishiman and shoves a microphone in his face. “Holy shit, boy! You done broke the world record by a clear fifteen minutes! How you do that?”
“Easy,” the Englishiman replies, “I’m married to an epileptic. If you can fuck her for five minutes, you can ride anything.”
What do you call a good-looking epileptic?
Fit.
What’s blue and doesn’t fit?
A dead epileptic.
What does it say on a black epileptic’s t-shirt?
Help me, I’m not break dancing.
What do you call an epileptic with a Hoover?
Shake ‘n’ Vac.
What do you call an epileptic
in a bush?
Russell.
What do you get if an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
Seizure salad.
ESSEX GIRLS
How do you know when an Essex girl is on her period? She’s only wearing one sock.
What’s the difference between a bowling ball and an Essex girl?
You can only get three fngers in a bowling ball.
What do Essex girls use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
An Essex girl goes to the DSS to register for child benefit.
“How many children do you have?” asks the assessor.
“Ten,” replies the Essex girl.”
“Ten? Are you sure? What are their names?”
“Duane, Duane, Duane, Duane, Duane, Duane, Duane, Duane, Duane, and then there’s little Duane.”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?” asks the assessor.
“Nah,” says the Essex girl. “Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, “DUANE, YA DINNER”S READY” or “DUANE, GO TO BED NOW” and it’s sorted.”
“Yes, but what if you want to speak to one individually?”
“That’s easy,” says the Essex girl, “I just use their surnames.”
How can you tell if an Essex girl really likes oral sex?
She hitches up her skirt when you yawn.
What’s the difference between an Essex girl and an Arab girl?