One Christmas morning she had had enough. As she was preparing the turkey for dinner and her husband lay upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the waistband of his Y-fronts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his underpants. A while later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual blast, followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he hurtled into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the foor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had her revenge. About half an hour later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants, with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip and asked him what was the matter.
“You were right,” he said. “All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked the wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fngers, I think I got most of them back in.”
I went to the doctor and asked if he could give me something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
An elderly Welshiman and his wife are lying in bed. After a few minutes the old man lets loose a huge fart and says, “Four points.”
His wife rolls over and asks, “What the hell was that?” The old man says, “A try. I’m ahead four-nil.” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Try, converted.”
After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, “Try, conversion. I’m ahead fourteen to seven.”
Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, “Try, conversion – fourteen all.”
The old man strains really hard, but to no avail: he can’t fart. So as not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining too hard, he shits in the bed.
His wife asks, “Now what was that?”
The old man replies, “Half-time, switch sides.”
An old woman is riding the lift in Harrods when a young, beautiful woman gets into the lift, smelling of very expensive perfume. She sees that she has the old lady’s attention and turns to her and says arrogantly, “‘Romance’ by Ralph Lauren, £100 an ounce.”
Then another young and equally beautiful woman gets into the lift, also smelling strongly of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says, “‘Chanel No. 5’, £120 an ounce.”
A couple of foors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get out of the lift. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts in their direction and says, “Broccoli – 70 pence a pound.”
Why do men fart louder than woman?
Woman can’t keep their mouthis shut long enough to build up pressure.
What’s the defnition of a fart?
A turd honking for the right-of-way.
A little old lady goes to the doctor’s. “I can’t stop dropping these silent little farts,” she says to him.
“I can help you,” replies the doctor. “Take these pills and come back next week.”
The following week, the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts stink!”
The doctor says, “Good, we fixed your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing aid.”
Two medical students were sitting on a park bench and they decided to play a game. They try to spot physical abnormalities in passers-by and attempt to make a correct diagnosis. After a while, an old man walked slowly past with his legs wide apart. “He has a bad case of haemorrhoids,” asserted the first student.
“No, he has a hernia,” said the second.
They went over to talk to the old man and told him that they couldn’t agree with each other’s diagnosis of his problem.
One said: “My friend thinks you have a bad case of haemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?”
The old man replied, “Well, I thought it was just a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong.”
FOOD
How do you make German chocolate cake? First, you occupy the kitchen . . .
What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?
Cheeses of Nazareth.
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishiman?
None.
What do you call someone who covers his genitals in chickpeas and garlic?
A hummusexual.
What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?
Crust.
Have you tried the new German–Chinese fusion cuisine?
The food is okay, but an hour later you’re hungry for power.
FORTUNE TELLERS
A small frog goes to see a fortune teller. The medium tells the frog: “You are soon going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog replies, “That’s brilliant. When will I meet her and where? In a bar? At a party?”
“No,” the fortune teller replies. “Next term, in her biology class.”
“I read my horoscope today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car or a prostitute on one roller skate.”
FROGS
A princess is skipping alongside a pond in the royal gardens when she spied a really ugly frog. Being a very simple princess, she picked the frog up anyway and immediately recoils at the unfortunate creature’s totally hideous appearance.
“My!” said the princess. “You really are a very ugly frog!”
“I know, I know,” replied the frog. “I got a really bad spell cast on me.”
“Well, I’ve seen frogs with spells, but never one as ugly as you,” said the princess.
“Yeah, yeah, well, it’s like I said,” explained the frog, “this was a really, really bad spell.”
“Nevertheless,” replied the princess, “I will kiss you, and you will turn into a prince.”
“As you wish,” replied the frog. “However, I’m afraid it is not going to be quite as simple as that. I’m afraid a spell this bad will almost certainly require a blow job.”
A man walks into a bar. “Hey, barman, I’m a bit strapped for cash. If I show you something truly amazing, will you give me a free beer?”
“Everybody tries that one on and I’ve seen it all,” says the barman. “But you’re certainly welcome to try me.”
The man reaches in his pocket and takes out a frog and a tiny piano and sets them on the bar. The frog begins to play the piano so beautifully that it brings a tear to the barman’s eye.
“I have to admit, that was pretty amazing,” says the barman, wiping his eye. “Here’s your free beer.”
A few minutes pass, and the man finishes the beer while the frog continues to play.
“Barman, I could use another beer. If I show you something even more amazing, can I drink for free all night?”
“You’re pushing your luck,” says the barman. “This had better be good.”
The man takes a hamster from his pocket, sets it next to the piano, and it begins to sing while the frog plays the piano!
“Well, bugger me, that’s a hell of a show,” says the barman. “You can drink all night for free.”
Meanwhile, another customer sidles up and sits next to him.
“Say, pal,” he says. “I’ll give you fifty quid for that there hamster.”
“Sure, it’s a deal,” he replies.
The money changes hands and the customer leaves with the hamster.
The barman says: “Are you mad? You just sold a s
inging hamster for fifty quid. You could have a lifetime of free beer with that thing!”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” says the man. “The frog is a ventriloquist.”
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
“Christ, we really do taste like chicken.”
What’s green and red and goes round and round and round?
A frog in a blender.
A buxom brunette goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the shop, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: “Sex Frogs – complete with instruction manual, only £20 each. Money Back Guarantee!”
The girl looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packages the frog and says quietly, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”
The girl nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Crawl into bed and position the frog.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her annoyance, absolutely nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop.”
So, the girl calls the pet shop. The owner is sympathetic: “Sorry. In fact I had some complaints about this earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within twenty minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and says sternly: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
A huge bloke walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman starts to pull him a pint, but can’t take his eyes off the guy, because on top of this huge, muscle-bound body the man has a tiny head, about the size of a peach.
So the barman gives the customer his beer and says, “You must work out, you have an amazing physique.”
“Thanks,” says the customer.
“It really is phenomenal. But if you don’t mind me asking, home come your head is so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously felded this question many times. “One day,” he begins, “I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone shouting for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog sitting next to a stream.”
“No shit?” says the barman.
“Yeah, so I picks up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.’”
“No shit?” says the barman.
“Anyway, so I looked around to make sure there was no one watching and gave the frog a kiss. The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, ‘You now have three wishes.’ So I looked down at my puny 120-pound body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.’”
“No shit!!?” says the barman.
“Yeah. Anyway, she nodded, snapped her fngers, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped my clothes and was standing there butt naked. Then she asks, “What will be your second wish?”
“No shit!!?” says the barman. “What happened next?”
“So I looked at her beautiful body and said, ‘I want to shag the arse off you right here by this stream.’ So we made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, she whispered into my ear, ‘You do have one more wish. What will it be?’ I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”
FUNERALS
At the end of a funeral service the pall bearers were carrying the deceased out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. Suddenly they heard a faint but unmistakable moan. They quickly opened the casket and found that the woman inside was still alive.
The woman lived on for ten more years before she finally died. Her funeral was held at the same place, and, at the end of the service, the pall bearers were once again carrying out her casket. As they were walking past her husband, he cried out, “Lads, watch out for that wall!”
“I was thrown out of my mother-in-law’s funeral the other day. When the music started playing I was the only one dancing.”
A man was lying ill in hospital and was visited by his son. Suddenly, the father began to gasp for breath and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, then dropped the pen and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and felt the note. He read it, thinking it might be something that could give him some comfort in his time of grief. It read: “Take your foot off my oxygen pipe.”
An elderly man lay dying in his bed when he suddenly imagined that he smelled the aroma of his favourite childhood meal, boiled beef and cabbage, wafting up the stairs. He gathered all his remaining strength and somehow heaved himself from the bed. Leaning unsteadily against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the kitchen door. Were it not for the fact that he was in terrible pain, for a few moments he thought he was already in Heaven. For there, sure enough, upon the stove, was something he had all but forgotten, his favourite childhood meal, boiled beef and cabbage.
Was it Heaven? Or was it one fnal act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he stumbled toward the stove, falling on his knees. His lips parted in anticipation of the mouth-watering meal, seemingly bringing him back to life. His raised his withered hand towards the food, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
“You can piss off,” she said, “this is for the funeral.”
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully on 11 April 1996, aged eighty-three. For his family, however, the funeral was traumatic. It began when they were getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in – and things just started to go downhill from there.
A young woman was married and had twelve children before her husband died. However, she was soon married again and had seven more children. Sadly, her second husband died. She remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, worn out by constant childbearing, she died.
At her funeral the preacher prayed to God, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply”.
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”
One of the mourners thought about this and whispered to the stranger standing next to him by the graveside: “That was beautiful. But which husband was he referring to: the first, second or third husband?”
“None of them. He was talking about her legs.”
I hate it at weddings when some old dear prods me and says, “You’re next.”
They soon stopped when I started saying it to them at funerals.
GAMBLING
A Jewish guy is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Levi, sell your business.” He ignores the voice but it goes on for days. “Levi, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, Levi relents and sells his store. The voice says, “Levi, take the $3 milion and go to Las Vegas.”
“Why?” Levi asks.
The voice just repeats, “Levi, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.”
So he obeys the voice from above and takes his $3 million to Las Vegas and goes to a casino. The voice says, “Levi, go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand.”
Levi hesitates, but knows that he must.
He sits down at the blackjack table and is dealt an eighteen with his first two cards. The dealer has a six showing.
“Levi, take a card,” the voice booms.
“What? The dealer has—”
“Take a card!” the voice booms again.
So he tells the dealer to hit him. Levi gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes a huge sigh of relief.
The voice booms, “Levi, take another card.”
“What?”
“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!”
So Levi asks for another card. It’s another ace – he has twenty!
“Levi, take another card,” the voice commands.
“I have twenty!” Levi shouts.
“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice.
“Okay, hit me,” Levi tells the dealer. He gets another ace. Twenty-one.
The voice from above booms: “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
A man walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. Unable to believe his eyes, he says to the dog’s owner, “Is that your dog playing poker?”
“Yep, it certainly is,” the owner replies.
“That’s amazing!” says the man.
“Nah, not really. Every time the fucker has a good hand he wags his tail.”
A man is strolling down the street when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, gives it good rub and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which he replies, “I’ve always wanted to be lucky.” The genie grants his wish.
So the man strolls on, wondering if the wish has worked, when he sees a £10 in the gutter. “Fuck me,” he says to himself. “Not a bad start!”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 18