Just then he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing newspapers and sees a horse called Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the third race at Chester. He puts £10 on the horse for a straight win. Unbelievably, his horse romps home in first place. Feeling that he’s defnitely on a bit of a roll, he heads straight for the local casino, goes to the nearest roulette table and puts the entire £1,010 on “lucky” seven. Round and round the wheel spins – and the ball lands on seven.
He’s now more than £35,000 up! What better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel? He knocks and enters. All of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishiment puts her arm around him and says, “Welcome sir! We have much pleasure to inform you that you are our lucky thousandth customer and you have won the right to take any room and any girl who works here, on the house, absolutely free of charge!”
Our hero says that he’s always fancied bedding an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. A couple of minutes later, the most gorgeous Indian girl he has ever seen walks into the room – a real Bollywood stunner. For the next hour or so they put the Karma Sutra through its paces. The guy pauses and says to the girl, “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don’t really don’t get about Indian women – that stupid red spot that you all have on your forehead.”
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and replies, “Sir, I am here to please you and fulfil your every desire. If my caste mark offends you, then you have my permission to scratch if off.”
So he starts scratching at the girl’s caste mark with his fingernail. Suddenly he stops and begins laughing hysterically.
“What’s wrong sir?” the Indian girl asks, really worried.
He replies, “You’re not going to believe this sweetheart, but I’ve just won a car!”
GARY GLITTER
What’s two foot tall, silver and stands at the end of a little girl’s bed?
Gary Glitter’s boots.
What is the difference between Gary Glitter and a plastic bag?
You would let your children play with a plastic bag.
McDonald’s are launching a Gary Glitter burger. It is made of sixty-year-old meat inside ten-year-old buns.
Gary Glitter announced from his cell today that after he has served his time he and his family will be jetting off to Florida, USA to start afresh. Apparently he’s going to Tampa with the kids.
Gary Glitter and his girlfriend are in a video hire shop, looking for something to hire for the evening. Gary’s girlfriend asks him what he wants to watch.
Gary says: “How about we get Aladdin?” His girlfriend replies: “Can’t we just get a video? You’re in enough trouble already.”
Gary Glitter was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides, when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced “We’re sinking! Everyone abandon ship!”
Gary Glitter asked, “What about the children?”
The captain replied, “Fuck the children!”
Gary Glitter looked around and said, “Do we have time?”
Gary Glitter has bought 100 cases of Glenfiddich scotch whisky. Apparently the shop assistant told him it was a cheeky little twelve-year-old that goes down well.
Gary Glitter is sitting in his living room, surfng the Internet on his laptop. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. She screams, “You bastard!” and heads into the bedroom sobbing. Stunned, the Leader switches off the computer and walks toward the bedroom, wondering to himself, “Now what have I done?”
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what’s up. She responds with a sob, “My friends say that you’re a paedophile!”
“Wow!” says Gary. “That’s a big word for an eight-year-old.”
I was in the pub last night and Gary Glitter came on the jukebox. I knew we shouldn’t have put on St Winifred’s School Choir.
GEORGE BEST
George Best is lying seriously ill in hospital and the doctor says to him: “George, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?’
“Bad, please,” says George.
“Well,” says the doctor, “the bad news is you only have about one hour left to live.”
“Oh my God!” says George, “that is really bad news. What’s the good news, doc?”
The doctor replies: “It’s happy hour.”
What’s the similarity between Jill Dando and George Best?
They both fnished their careers at Fulham.
When Calum Best was born, George Best went straight down the pub with his mates to wet the baby’s head.
Later he rang his wife and said, “How’s the baby doing?”
She said, “Not bad. He just got a B in history.”
What’s yellow and goes beep . . . beep . . . beep? George Best.
What was the similarity between George Best and Gary Glitter?
They both enjoy the occasional tot.
GERBILS
How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
They hand out gerbils at the tunnel of love.
What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil?
“You’re new around here, aren’t you.”
GERMAN JOKES
How many thalidomides does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they are unable to reach. They will have to either get someone else to do it for them or sit in the dark.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He has several more drinks; he gets pretty hammered because he has a drinking problem. Eventually he goes home, hits his wife and cries himself to sleep.
A horse walks into a bar. It has a long face.
A couple on their honeymoon want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman declines on the basis that they have not known each other long enough for this kind of sexual deviance.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new video?
Well, it is really quite good.
My father used to say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” However his opinion was not based on any firm medical evidence.
Did you hear about the Amish mechanic?
He did not own a car.
A bus hit my brother and he had both of his legs amputated. He now wears prosthetic limbs.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
“I say, I say, my dog has no nose.”
“Oh no! How does it smell?”
“Well, it doesn’t, but it has two ears and a fully functioning pair of eyes and that compensates for it.”
One day, little Johnny was outside when it started to rain. But the rain was different from normal rain, this rain was green. Johnny laughed as it fell on him. He opened his mouth and caught it on his tongue. “I will call it ‘goo’!” he said. Johnny collected a bottle of the green rain and took it to his school to show everyone. In class, Johnny’s teacher saw the jar and asked him what it is. Johnny said “It’s ‘goo’! I named it!” The teacher laughed and all his friends were jealous.
Later Johnny took his jar of goo to his science teacher. “Look at my jar of goo, Mr Schimidt!” Mr Schimidt said,
“Johnny, this is not ‘goo’, this is ‘nuclear waste’. The nearby reactor had a leak, causing nuclear acid rain.” Mr Schimidt continued, “Johnny, you didn’t happen to drink any, did you?” Johnny admitted that he had. “Johnny, I’m afraid you’re going to get cancer and die.”
How many kangaroos does it take to change a light bulb?
None – a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of electrical repair work. At best it could try to indicate that the bulb needed changing by hopping around, but it would not actually be able to do anything about it.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
/> The Holocaust.
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. All the while he harbours a pathological compulsion to have sex with dead people.
“Doctor, I’ve broken my leg.”Doctor: “I’m afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.”
There’s a German, a Jew and an Arab sitting in a pub. What a prime example of an inter-racial harmony.
My wife is so fat she has to wear clothes in large sizes.
What do you call it when someone wipes out an entire race of people?
Genocide.
Stevie Wonder walks into a store. He is unaware of his predicament, so to derive humour from the situation would be cruel and exploitative.
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock.
It appears that there is no one home, I’ll come back later.
A man walks into a bar. As a result he needs stitches on his forehead because he hit it quite hard.
How many Irish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn’t take more than one person to complete this task, regardless of nationality.
Little Johnny comes back from school crying, and says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “Yes, Johnny. This is because you suffer from encephalitis and the other children are merely observing your symptoms.”
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit him with an axe.
How are a strawberry and a rabbit alike?
They are both red, except for the rabbit.
A white man, a Mexican and a black man find a genie lamp and rub it. The Mexican wishes for all Mexicans to go back to Mexico. The black wishes for all blacks to be brought back to Africa. The white man, who misses his friends, wishes for an annual holiday for his black and Mexican friends, so that they may visit America again if they so wish.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?
An unfortunate interbreeding between two different species which will result in undesirable characteristics.
“Doctor, doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!”
“Unfortunately this the least of your problems. You also have an inoperable brain tumour.”
What do you call five Pakistanis in some quicksand?
If you are unfamiliar with their names, just say, “Excuse me.”
How do you get 100 Jews into a Volkswagen?
You would have to manufacture a very large Volkswagen. This will solve your problem.
Why did the black guy get lynched?
Because he was the victim of a terrible race-hate crime.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
Michael Jackson was the “King of Pop”. A plastic bag is a type of flexible packaging made of thin, plastic film, and is used for containing and transporting goods such as foods, produce, powders, ice, chemicals and waste.
My mother-in-law is so fat that it may have an adverse efficet on her health, leading to reduced life expectancy.
GERMANS
A German couple have a baby and name him Klaus. As time goes by Klaus grows up and yet he never utters a word. After years of trying to find out what is wrong with him, his parents just accept that he is mute. When Klaus reaches his fourteenth birthday his parents throw a party for him and he is given a slice of his favourite cake. Suddenly, Klaus turns to his mother and says: “Mother, zis cake is dry.”
His mum can’t believe her ears. Overcome with emotion she hugs him and cries, “Klaus, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?”
“Well,” replies Klaus, “until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Hitler.”
“Hitler who?”
“For denying the holocaust you are now sentenced to ten years in an Austrian prison.”
A teenager was playing on his Playstation when his grandad came in the bedroom and sat down next to him. “What are you doing?” asked the grandad. “You’re eighteen years old and you’re wasting your life! When I was your age I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the bar and left without paying! I knew how to have a good time!”
A few weeks later the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the lad still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
“What happened to you?” asked the grandfather.
“Well, grandad,” replied the boy, “I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, and pissed all over the bar . . . and the barman beat seven shades of shit out of me!”
“Oh dear!” replied the grandad. “Who did you go to Paris with?”
“Just a couple mates, why? Who did you go with?”
His grandad replied: “The Third Panzer Division.”
I don’t hate Germans, I just miss my grandparents.
What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian?
Only the first one can make you laugh.
We had a German plumber round the other day to fix our radiators. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply. I suppose old habits die hard!
Ten Reasons Why it’s Really Great to Be German
1 Oktoberfest.
2 Oktoberfest.
3 BMW.
4 VW.
5 Audi.
6 Mercedes.
7 You can drive at speeds that would have you locked up in any other country in the world.
8 You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9 You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10 Contrary to common belief, laughing is not forbidden by law.
What’s the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.
I bought a sun lounger from eBay last week. It arrived with a German towel already on it.
GINGER PEOPLE
What’s the difference between a ginger pussy and a bowling ball?
You could eat a bowling ball if you really had to.
A man’s wife is in labour. After the birth, the doctor takes the man on one side and says: “You have a son. Unfortunately we have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says “Okay tell it me straight.”
The doctor continues: “Well, your baby is brain damaged. He is unable to feed himself, will never be able to walk or see and will require constant care throughout his life. I’m afraid this sort of thing isn’t covered by insurance, so it’s going to cost you a fortune and you may have to remortgage your home to pay for it.”
The man is visibly shocked. He recovers his composure and says: “Well, that’s awful. But please, tell me the good news.”
The doctor looks at him and says: “Sorry, that was the good news. The bad news is that your baby is ginger.”
What do ginger people miss most about parties?
The invitation.
What’s the difference between a ginger and a brick?
The brick gets laid.
What’s the best thing about being black?
You won’t have ginger kids.
Why do ginger people sunburn easily?
It’s nature’s way of telling them they should be locked indoors.
Why did God invent colour blindness?
So someone will fancy the ginger kids.
What do you call a good-looking woman with a ginger man?
A hostage.
I’ve just seen the new Harry Potter film, but it’s pretty unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
GOD
On the sixth day, God created the duckbilled platypus. And God saw that it was good and said, “Let’s see the evolutionists try and figure out this motherfucker.”
Why did God make homosexuality a sin?
Because his boyfriend
thought that would make sex hotter.
What if God is a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why.
God says to one of his angels: “I’m absolutely knackered. I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”
The angel says, “What are you going to do now?”
God replies, “Fuck it, I think I’ll call it a day.”
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah, love, I want you to make me a new ark.”
Noah replies, “Au naturellement, anything you want, oh Mighty One, you’re the boss!”
God continues, “But I want this to be a very special ark, Noah. I want an ark with not just a couple of decks, I want twenty decks, one on top of the other.”
“Twenty decks?” says Noah. “Okay, Lord, whatever you say, you’re the boss. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yes, that’s right. Well, not exactly. This time I want you to fill it up with fish,” says God.
“Fish?” says Noah.
“Yes, fish. And not just any old fish, Noah. I want carp.”
“Carp, oh Mighty One?” queries Noah.
“Yes, Noah. Just carp.”
Noah looks to the skies, “Okay, God, let me get this right, you want a new ark?”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 19