The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  How is the Sicilian version of Christmas different?

  They have one Mary, one Jesus and twelve wise guys.

  Why don’t Sicilians like Jehovah witnesses? Nothing personal, they just don’t like witnesses.

  Ten Reasons Why it’s great to Be italian

  1 You have an in-depth knowledge of little-known pasta shapes.

  2 You are not embarrassed to wear your jumper draped around your shoulders like a shawl.

  3 No need to worry about tax returns.

  4 Glorious military history prior to ad 400.

  5 You wear sunglasses indoors.

  6 A new government every other month.

  7 Flexible working hours.

  8 You live near the Pope.

  9 You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend’s armpit hair.

  10 Your country is run by Sicilian murderers.

  THE JAPANESE

  A Jewish American tourist is in a London bar watching a television documentary about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour. The narrator says: “On 7 December 1941, the Imperial Japanese Navy launched an unprovoked air attack on Pearl Harbour in Hawaii.” The Jew shakes his head and stares into his beer.

  The narrator continues: “A third of the US Fleet was destroyed in the single worst attack of the Second World War.” The Jew shakes his head again.

  “Twenty-fve thousand American men and women died that day, some of them burned beyond recognition.” By now, the Jew, much the worse for drink, is fghting mad and wants to vent his anger. He turns round and sees a little oriental-looking guy on a bar stool at the end of the bar. He runs over and punches the oriental-looking bloke in the face, knocking him off his stool. The guy picks himself off the foor and says, “What the hell was that for, you fucking idiot?”

  “That was for Pearl Harbour!”

  “You stupid bastard, that was the Japanese, I’m Taiwanese!”

  The Jew replies, “Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, same difference. You’re all slanty-eyed yellow bastards!!” Feeling really proud of himself, he sits back on his stool and starts drinking his beer.

  The next moment, the Taiwanese bloke goes fying across the bar and plants a fying kung-fu-style kick on the side of the American Jew’s head, sending him crashing into the wall.

  The Jew says, “What the fuck was that for, you slanty-eyed twat?”

  “That was for the Titanic!”

  “What the fuck are you on about? That was an iceberg!!”

  “Goldberg, Weinberg, Spielberg, Iceberg, same difference, you’re all thieving Jew cunts!”

  ’ What do the Japanese use for blindfolds?

  Dental foss.

  Why do Japanese people have slanted eyes?

  Because they’re still squinting from the blast.

  Yamada Kaaru has been revealed as the only known survivor of both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bomb attacks. He has survived to the ripe old age of ninety-three and, although details of his medical history have been kept private, he is described as slightly deaf in one ear. The hearing in the other three is said to be very good.

  Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is rammed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, “Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”

  Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz infuences in his long career, Stevie goes into a freeform jazz riff for about ten minutes. When he fnishes the crowd goes wild, but the little old man jumps up again and shouts, “No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

  Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into another jazz improvisation and really tears the place apart.

  The crowd really appreciates this amazingly complex technical improvisation, but the little old man jumps up again, “No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

  Well and truly miffed that this little Japanese man doesn’t seem to appreciate his technical expertise, Stevie calls to him from the stage, “Okay. You get up here and do it.”

  The little old man climbs up on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing . . . “A jazz chord to say I ruv you . . .”

  An American businessman is in Japan for a meeting. One night he gets drunk and solicits a Japanese prostitute. All the time he’s having sex, the hooker keeps moaning, “Nagachi ana! Nagachi ana!” The businessman assumes that she is complimenting his technique and keeps banging away.

  The next day he is playing a round of golf with a few

  Japanese business associates. One of the Japs tees off and lands a hole in one. The American, trying to impress his colleagues with his knowledge of Japanese, claps and shouts, “Nagachi ana!”

  The Japanese businessman turns to him and says, “What the fuck do you mean, wrong hole?”

  JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

  A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

  St Peter asks, “Religion?”

  The man says, “Church of England.”

  St Peter looks down his list, and says, “Okay, go straight ahead to room twenty-four, but be very quiet when you go past room eight.”

  Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. “Religion?”

  “Catholic.”

  “Okay, go to room eighteen, but be very quiet as you pass room eight.”

  A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?”

  “Jewish.”

  “Okay. Go to room eleven, but be very quiet when you go past room eight.”

  “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room eight?”

  St Peter tells him, “The Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room eight. They think they’re the only ones here.”

  What do you get when you cross a Tourette’s sufferer with a Jehovah’s Witness?

  Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off.

  Ten Ways to get Rid of a Jehovah’s Witness

  1 When they ask, “Can I talk to you about God?” reply, “Certainly, what would you like to know?”

  2 Invite them in to see your fine collection of dinosaur fossils.

  3 Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say, “Allah be Praised!”

  4 Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.

  5 Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

  6 Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, reply, “I’m not sure if it’s legal in this country.”

  7 Make a chalk outline of a human body on your drive next to a copy of the Watchtower.

  8 Answer every one of their questions with “What do you mean by that?” (Warning: this might take a while).

  9 Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.

  10 Answer the door with a bloody knife and say, “I’m sorry, could you come back in half an hour? We’re not done with the virgin yet.”

  Two Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on the door of an elderly lady. She opens the door and they explain who they are and she lets them both inside.

  She invites them to take a seat on her sofa and asks if they would like a cup of tea.

  “Two teas without would be nice, please,” they reply.

  The old lady asks them if they would like a custard cream.

  “Oh, yes please, that would be nice,” they reply.

  A few minutes later the old lady returns and places the tea and biscuits on the table, sits down and says: “So. What is it that you nice boys want to talk to me about?”

  The Jehovah’s look at each other for a while. Then one shrugs his shoulders and says to the old lady: “Buggered if we know, actually. This is the furthest we have ever got.”

  JESUS

  Jesus and St Peter go for a game of golf. St Peter
steps up to the tee on a 120-yard par three and hits one long and straight. The ball bounces twice and rolls on to the green, leaving him a four-foot putt. Jesus is up next. He slices his shot. It flies over the fence, out of bounds and into traffc on an adjacent street. The ball bounces off a truck, on to the roof of a nearby conservatory and rolls into the rain gutter. The ball falls down the drain spout and rolls on to a lily pad in a garden pond. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. A kestrel swoops down and grabs the frog. As the kestrel flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. The ball rolls gently into the hole.

  St Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you going play golf?” he asks “Or are you just going to fuck around?”

  The three wise men arrive to visit the infant lying in the manger, bearing gifts of gold, incense and myrrh. One of the wise men, who is very tall, accidentally bumps his head on the low doorway as he leaves the stable. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaims.

  Joseph says, “Write that down, Mary. It’s better than Dave.”

  It is the second coming of Christ. Before the world ends, he wants to take in some fishing, so he and his friend Moses head up to the lake to fsh. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says: “Jesus, can’t you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?” So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps on to the lake . . . and falls knee deep in water.

  Moses says, “Well, maybe you need a head start or something, why not try it off the end of the dock.”

  So Jesus takes his reel and tackle, steps off the end of the dock and falls in the water up to his waist. Moses says, “Jeez, that’s embarrassing. Tell you what, why not rent the boat, go out to the middle of the lake and try from there.”

  So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake. Jesus is about to step off and try again, when Moses says, “Hang on a minute. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did it.”

  So Jesus sits down meditates for a few minutes. Finally he’s all psyched up, and steps out of the canoe . . . and sinks to the bottom of the lake. Moses dives in and pulls Jesus up into the boat. He is really humiliated by this and just can’t see what’s going wrong. Moses just sits there staring down at the bottom of the boat. Suddenly, Moses says, “I got it! I know what’s wrong! Did you have those holes in your feet last time?”

  I know Jesus was a carpenter, but he never actually sang on any of their records.

  Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

  To calm the situation, Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

  Suddenly an old woman at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot. Jesus looked at the old lady and said: “Mother, sometimes you are a real fucking embarrassment.”

  Jesus and St Paul are sitting in Heaven discussing global warming, pollution and mankind’s generally filthy ways. Jesus decides to pop down to see the situation for himself and asks Paul to join him. They go to the seaside and when they arrive, Jesus sees a huge metal pipe leading out to sea and asks what its purpose is. Paul explains that it is used to take human effuent out to sea, where the muck kills marine life. Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee deep in shit, while Jesus scoots along imperiously on top of the water. Ever hopeful of some help, Paul slogs on while Jesus continues to walking on water. Soon the water is up to Paul’s chin.

  “Master,” he calls, “I will follow you anywhere, but I’m up to my neck in shitty water and I think I’m going to drown.”

  At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. “Well,” he says, “why don’t you just walk on the pipe like me, dickhead?”

  Jesus was making his usual rounds in Heaven when he noticed a little white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. He was saddened to see the old man looking so miserable so he stopped to talk to him.

  “Old man,” said Jesus gently, “this is Heaven. The sun is shining, you have all you could want here and you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

  “Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in Heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

  Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes. “FATHER!” he cried.

  The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”

  An Irishman, an Australian and an Englishman are in a bar, and they notice Jesus sitting at a table in the corner, quietly drinking on his own. They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly.

  When he’s finished, Jesus walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness. “Bejesus, my arthritis has gone!” exclaims the Irishman.

  Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. “Christ, mate, my bad back’s cured!”

  Jesus approaches the Englishman, who runs away shouting, “Fuck off – I’m on disability benefit!”

  JEWS

  Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. “Abraham, I’m sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse.”

  “Ssh!” hisses the other, looking over his shoulder. “It’s not till next week.”

  They meet in the street again six months later. “Well, Abraham, how’s your new warehouse business going?”

  “Oi vey, it’s not going so good, we had a food last week.”

  “So,” whispers his friend, “how do you start a food?”

  “An elderly Jewish lady is leaving her job in the clothing sweatshop and is on her way home. Suddenly a fasher blocks her path and opens up his raincoat. She takes a look and says, “This you call alining?”

  What is the definition of a Jewish dilemma? Free ham.

  A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town. The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”

  A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”

  The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the answer I am looking for.”

  Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.”

  “Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not quite the one I was looking for.”

  Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.”

  The teacher’s jaw drops in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “That’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

  Later, during break time, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. “I can’t believe you said ‘Jesus Christ’?”

  The boy replies, “I know it’s Moses and you know it’s Moses, but business is business.”

  Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

  Because Jewish women can’t resist anything with 10 per cent off.

  What is the difference between a Jewish mother and a rottweiler?

  The rottweiler will eventually let go.

  How do you say “fuck you” to a Jew?

  “Trust me!”

  What’s a Jew’s defnition of embarrassment?

  Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking your nose.

  A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert and have been wandering for days.

  The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have some wine.”

  The German says, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty. I must have a beer.”

  The Jew says, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty. I must hav
e diabetes.”

  Why do Jews have double-glazing?

  So their kids can’t hear the ice-cream van.

  An old Jewish guy has been hoping for years to win the lottery. One week, he goes to the synagogue and he prays: “Oh lord of Heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with the money if I won the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Please Lord, help me win the lottery and I will use the money selfessly!”

  The next week, he returns to the synagogue again and says, “Oh, lord of Heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last week! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with the money from the lottery! Please Lord, help me win the lottery!”

  The following week, he goes to synagogue and prays again in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: “Help me, help me!”

  The old Jew replies, “Lord of Heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?”

  “Buy a ticket, motherfucker.”

  How do you know if a family of Jews are living next door? There’s wet toilet paper on their clothes line.

  A Jewish guy is run over by a car. The paramedic arrives and says, “Are you comfortable?”

  He replies, “I make a good living.”

  Once upon a time long ago the mighty Emperor of Japan advertised for a new chief samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.