A young lad and his teenage girlfriend were on a date. He was getting hot and fnally said, “Let’s shag.”
She said, “Sorry I never do that.”
“Well, how about a blow job?”
“Oh no. I don’t do that either.”
“How about giving me a hand job?”
She said she didn’t know how to do that. “Do you remember when you were a kid, you used to shake a pop bottle until the pressure built up and it squirted? Just do it like that.” So she took hold of his dick and began shaking. Soon he was groaning and moaning. And suddenly he began to scream.
“What’s the matter?” she said.
He screamed, “TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF THE END!”
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.
In 2008, the US government commissioned a study to fnd out why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After three years and $2 million, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the Americans published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000 and one year of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Ireland, unsatisfed with these findings, conducted their own study. After three weeks, and at a cost of around $45.50, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from fying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A white bloke walks into a pub, totally bladdered and shouts,
“All Muslims are wankers.”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “I take serious offense
to that statement! It is factually incorrect.”
The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?”
He replies proudly, “No. But I am a wanker.”
My wife insisted I stopped masturbating. “Why?” I replied. “It’s perfectly natural.” She countered, “The kids are trying to eat their dinner.”
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me I had to stop wanking. I asked her why. She said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
What’s the difference between pink and purple?
The grip.
What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby? You know for certain that your dad is a wanker.
A man is walking down a country lane late one night when he has a sudden urge for sex. He sees a pumpkin patch in the feld by the lane and fgures that as a pumpkin is soft inside it will be the next best thing. He cuts a hole in a pumpkin and proceeds to pleasure himself. He gets so carried away that he fails to notice that a police car had stopped at the side of the road. A police woman gets out of the car and shines a torch on him.
“Excuse me, sir,” she says, “but if I’m not mistaken, you appear to be screwing a pumpkin.”
The man looks horrifed. “A pumpkin? Fuck! Is it midnight already?”
A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the frst man and says, “Excuse me, sir, I’m conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?”
To which the man replies, “A remote controller, for the DVD.”
She approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, “I’ve got a magazine”, and she notes down his answer.
She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, “A bar of soap.”
Bemused by this, she asks why.
“Because I’m bathing the kids.”
What’s the ultimate sexual rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
For dads there is Father’s Day. For mothers there is Mother’s Day. For lovers there is Valentine’s Day. And for wankers there is Palm Sunday.
I was very disappointed to read that a man can get paid £60 just for donating his sperm. Just think of all that money I’ve let slip through my fngers.
My wife has lost the urge to masturbate. She’s just not feeling herself lately.
MECHANICS
A mechanic dies in a road accident on his thirty-ffth birthday and fnds himself at the pearly gates. The angels are singing a beautiful hymn and there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, St Peter himself comes over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the gates, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations, son, we’ve been waiting for you!”
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the engineer says, “St Peter, I tried to lead a decent life, I was a good husband, I loved my kids . . . but congratulations for what? I don’t remember doing anything really special to deserve this.”
St Peter is amazed at the man’s modesty. “Congratulations for what? We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”
The mechanic is speechless. Eventually he says, “St Peter, I lived my life hoping that when I died I would go to Heaven, but as God is my witness, I swear I am only thirty-fve years old.”
“That’s impossible,” says St Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets!”
How can you tell when a mechanic has just had sex? One of his fngers is clean.
MEDICAL
What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
The taste.
Osteoporosis. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be.
A man goes to the doctor for his test results.
“Mr Jones, do you want the good news or the bad news?” the doctor asks.
“Give it to me straight, doc,” he replies.
“Okay then,” says the doctor, “you have less than forty-eight hours to live.”
The man is shocked and says, “Well . . . what’s the good news?”
The doctor smiles, “We’re naming a disease after you.”
Mary Poppins once said, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”
Not if you have diabetes, the murdering bitch.
What sits at the bottom of the bed and takes the piss? A kidney dialysis machine.
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. As someone with full-blown AIDS, I beg to differ.
What turns a nine-stone weakling into a man of steel? Polio.
They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Try telling that to someone with muscular dystrophy.
I love playing snap with my son. He’s got brittle-bone disease.
How can you tell which is the head nurse in a hospital? She’s the one with the dirty knees.
What’s the defnition of machismo?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.
MEN VS WOMEN
Fifty Reasons Why it’s Better to Be a Man Than a Woman
1 A five-day holiday requires one overnight bag.
2 Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
3 You can open all your own jars.
4 When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop at the bits where someone’s crying.
5 All your orgasms are real.
6 You can go to the toilet without a support group.
7 When your work is criticized, you understand that everyone doesn’t secretly hate you.
8 Nobody wonders if you swallow.
9 You never have to clean a toilet.
10 You can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
11 You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
12 Sex never means worrying about your reputation.
13 If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn’t mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
14 You can quietly watch a game on TV with a mate for hours without it ever occurring to you that he’s mad at you.
15 You never look at the size of a baby’s head and break into a sweat.
16 You can piss anywhere, man!
17 Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
18 One mood, all the time.
19 Same work, more pay!
20 Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
21 The remote control is yours and yours alone.
22 No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.
23 People don’t look at your chest when you’re talking to them.
24 You can buy condoms without the chemist imagining you are naked.
25 If you don’t call your mate when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends and they won’t try to work out what the problem is.
26 One day you will be a dirty old man and you’re looking forward to it.
27 You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
28 Not liking a person doesn’t exclude having great sex with them.
29 Life will go on if the bed sheets don’t get changed once in a while.
30 Biological clock?
31 Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt.
32 Your friends can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
33 None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
34 You don’t have to shave below your neck.
35 You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
36 You can be thirty and single, and nobody even notices.
37 You can write your name in the snow with your piss.
38 Chocolate is just another food.
39 Flowers fix everything.
40 You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
41 You get to think about sex 90 per cent of your waking hours.
42 Reverse parking is easy.
43 Foreplay is optional.
44 Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
45 You don’t have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
46 You never feel compelled to stop a mate from getting laid.
47 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
48 You don’t give a fuck if no one notices your new haircut.
49 Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe.
50 Angelina Jolie does.
Fourteen Reasons Why it’s Better to Be a Woman Than a Man
1 You can judge a person’s character just by looking at their shoes.
2 Gay waiters don’t make you feel uncomfortable.
3 You can talk to members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4 You don’t have to reach down every so often to check that your balls are still there.
5 You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
6 You can sleep your way to the top.
7 You get off the Titanic first.
8 You can cry and get off speeding fines.
9 You have never lusted over a cartoon character, or central character of a computer game.
10 You live longer and therefore get to cash in the life insurance.
11 When you dance you don’t look like a frog in a blender.
12 You know that size matters.
13 You get a whole new lease of life from a new lipstick.
14 Condoms make no significant difference to your enjoyment of sex.
MENSTRUATION
According to a recent scientifc study, women will fnd different males attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. When a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However, just before she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fre with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket bat shoved up his arse.
How do you confuse an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Why do tampons have string?
So you can foss after you eat.
What’s the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
You can’t gargle with sand.
What’s red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.
What did the sanitary towel say to the fart?
You’re the wind beneath my wings.
What is the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Susan gets her frst period. Feeling uncomfortable about talking to her parents, she decides to ask little Jimmy next door. She whips off her knickers and shows him where she’s bleeding from.
“Well, I’m no expert,” says Jimmy after a few minutes scratching his chin, “but it looks to me like someone’s ripped your bollocks off.”
Two sanitary pads were foating down a sewer drain and saw two approaching tampons. One pad said to the other, “Should we say hello to those two tampons?”
“Nah”, responds the other. “They’re stuck up cunts.”
™ Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them.
™ What’s the difference between normal blood and period blood?
You can’t eat normal blood with a fork.
How did the Red Sea get its name?
Queen Cleopatra used to bathe in it periodically.
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. At the table opposite a woman was sitting with her legs wide open. One man says to his friend: “Look at the dark hair on her snatch!”
His mate replies: “No way, that isn’t hair, she’s wearing black knickers!” So they make a £100 bet and ask a passing waiter to fnd out for them. The waiter fnds an excuse to go over to her table, then comes back to report.
“Neither of you is right. She had her period and there are fies on her.”
Why don’t men trust women?
Would you trust anything that bled for three days and didn’t die?
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.
MENTAL ILLNESS
My grandfather used to get up at 5 a.m. every morning and deliver milk to people’s doorsteps in a horse-drawn cart. He wasn’t a milkman, he was clinically insane.
“Hello, thank you for calling the NHS Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number
you press, because no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and the third and fifth letters of your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.”
A man walks in to a mental hospital and says to the receptionist: “Excuse me, is there anyone in room 30?”
The receptionist leaves the desk to check. She comes back and says, “No, sir, there’s no one in there.”
/> “Ah, that’s good,” says the man. “I must have escaped.”
I like to dress up like a white arctic bear and I have sex with men and women. I think I might be bi-polar.
A man is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises. “Excuse me”, he asks him. “What are you doing?”
“I’m driving my car!” says the guy excitedly. “Beep beep!”
“You are not in a car, my friend, you are in a bed in a mental hospital.”
A voice comes from the bed opposite: “Mate, shut the fuck up, will you? He’s paying me twenty quid a day to wash it.”
My new girlfriend broke down the other day and confessed that she self-harms. I told her, “All right love, don’t beat yourself up over it.”
A large group of punters enter a bar and order a huge round of drinks. When they come to pay they give the barman milk bottle tops. “What the hell is this?” says the barman.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 30