The head of the group comes over to explain. “It’s the annual outing from the mental institute down the road. Just humour them, keep a tab and, at the end of the night, I’ll settle up with you,” says the guy.
“Okay,” says the barman with a big wink.
The night rolls on and it’s a roaring success. The barman hails the group leader. “That was a great night! Not one of them is sober, and no trouble at all!” he says, amazed. “That will be £473.82, please.”
“No problem. Have you got change for a dustbin lid?”
I’ve been taking steps to combat my kleptomania. Now my window cleaner can’t reach the windows.
Bill and Doris were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly plunged into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Doris promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Bill out. When the head of hospital became aware of this heroic act, she immediately ordered Doris to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to inform Doris of her decision, she said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged. As you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news, unfortunately, is that Bill, whose life you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt, right after you rescued him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
“That’s sad,” said Doris. “But he didn’t hang himself – I put him there to dry. When can I go home?”
MEXICANS
Why do Mexicans eat burritos at Christmas?
So they have something to unwrap.
What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawn mower? Unemployed.
What do you call a Mexican who can swim?
A Texan.
What did Jesus say to the Mexicans?
“Don’t do anything until I come back.”
What are the frst words in a Mexican cookbook?
Steal a chicken.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila.
MICE
Three mice are sitting at a bar drinking. The first mouse puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, “I’m hard, me. You know how hard I am? Well, you know that poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast, lunch and dinner!”
The second mouse looks unimpressed and says, “That’s nothing. You know those big fucking mousetraps they got all over the place? Well, I jump in and out of them for fun. That’s how hard I am!”
The third mouse knocks back his drink and heads for the door.
“Where are you going?” asks the first mouse.
He replies: “See you guys later. I’m off home to shag the cat.”
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because very few of them know how to dance.
Why haven’t scientists find a cure for AIDS yet?
They can’t get the laboratory mice to butt fuck.
MICHAEL JACKSON
Victoria Beckham claims she once had an affair with Michael Jackson.
Jacko, of course, refuted the allegation. He said he was in Brooklyn at the time.
Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really should not have looked at the man in the mirror.
When police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch, they found a lot of suspicious items that needed explaining. For example, the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley.
Legal experts commenting on Michael Jackson’s trial were baffled because his defence team didn’t play the race card. It was because they didn’t know which race to play.
Farah Fawcett died and went straight to Heaven. Upon her arrival, God asked her if there was any wish she would like granted back on earth. Farah replied that she wanted all the children of the world protected. Four hours later, Michael Jackson died. Coincidence?
Michael Jackson went to Heaven and saw Elvis, so he went over and introduced himself as the man who married his daughter, Lisa Marie. Elvis shook him enthusiastically by the hand. “I can’t tell you how pleased I am to meet you, man,” said Elvis. “I heard she married a nigger.”
Michael Jackson will always be with us . . . he isn’t biodegradable.
What was the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney?
One had pasty white skin, fake body parts and is very creepy, the other one was Michael Jackson.
When Michael Jackson’s heart stopped, his chimp, Bubbles was the first to try and resuscitate him. Unfortunately he had only been trained to suck and not blow.
O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson were at Johnny Cochran’s funeral. Michael corners O.J. and asks, “O.J., how do you get stains off a glove?”
The first two paramedics arrive at Neverland and fnd Jackson’s body.
The first paramedic looks at the second paramedic and says, “Okay what’re we going to do frst?”
The Second paramedic replies, “I don’t know about you, but I’m having a go on the roller-coaster!”
Paramedics at the scene knew that Michael Jackson was dead when they waved a six-year-old boy under his nose and got no response.
Upon hearing the news of Michael Jackson’s death, mourning fans released several white doves in his honour. Actually they were blackbirds, but with a rare skin condition.
What was so unusual about Michael Jackson hanging his youngest child off the balcony? Because usually he tossed them off.
Only in America can someone be born a good-looking black kid, and die an ugly white woman.
WANTED: a good home for an abandoned monkey called Bubbles. Very friendly, likes being wanked off with a white glove . . .
MIDGETS
What do you call a three-foot-tall black person?
A Yardie.
Why should you never take the piss out of a retarded midget?
Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car at some traffc lights whilst not really paying attention.
When the driver got out, I saw that he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy . . .”
I replied, “Okay, so which one are you then?”
Did you hear about the gay midget?
It took him a lot of courage, but he finally came out of the cupboard.
What do you get if you leave a midget in the sun too long? A red dwarf.
A dwarf walked in to a bar. The barman said “Oi, short arse, where are the other six?”
The dwarf replied, “Fuck off, you cunt, I’m off.”
He must have been Grumpy.
Two dwarfs walk into a mini-bar.
A female midget goes to the doctor’s. “Doctor, every time it rains, my vagina gets sore.”
The doctor replies: “Hmm, that’s a strange one. Well, tell you what, come back and see me when it’s raining and I’ll take a look.”
A couple of days later it’s pouring down and she goes back to the doctor’s. “Right,” he says. “Hop on to the bed and I’ll take a look at you.” So she gets on the bed and the doctor examines her. He then takes his scalpel and says “Ok, I just need to do a couple of cuts here and there.” Then he tells her to stand up and asks; “How’s that?”
“Much better, doctor! What did you do?”
“I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellies.”
I was reading in the paper about this dwarf who had his pocket picked and his wallet stolen. How could anyone stoop so low?
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.
This morning I woke up happy with a huge erection. He wasn’t pleased.
Every day at the offce a man approaches a female co-worker at the water cooler, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and says: “Mmm. Your hair smells
nice.”
After a couple of week of this, she can’t stand it any longer and complains to Human Resources. Without identifying her co-worker, she tells them what he does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Mick, the midget.”
A man phones his friend, who is a breeder of horses. “I’m sending a mate over. He wants to buy a horse - keep an eye out for him.”
The horse breeder replies: “Sure, but how will I know who he is?”
“That’s easy, he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.”
When the little fella arrives, the breeder asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
“A female horth,” the dwarf replies.
He shows him a prized flly.
“Nithe lookin’ horth,” says the dwarf. “Can I get a clother look at her eyth?”
So the breeder picks up the dwarf, who gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
“Nithe eyth, can I thee her earth?”
He picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nithe earth, can I see her mouf?”
The horse breeder is getting just a little irritated, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nithe mouf. Can I see her twat?”
Completely pissed off by this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and drops him on the ground.
The dwarf picked himself up from the foor, sputtering and coughing.
“Thorry. Perhapth I should rephrase the quethtion. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”
A female midget friend of mine says she has decided to become a prostitute.
This had made me very sad. I just feel like she’s selling herself short.
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a holiday in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re captivated by two glamorous prostitutes and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, when, having got back to his room, he finds that he can’t manage an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears shouts of “ONE, TWO, THREE . . . HUP!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “So how did it go?”
The first dwarf whispers back: “To be honest, it was so fucking embarrassing. I just couldn’t get a hard-on.”
The second dwarf shakes his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even climb on to the bed.”
A woman comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with a female dwarf. “You bastard!” she yells. “You promised you were done with playing around behind my back.”
“For Christ’s sake woman,” replies the husband, “can’t you see I’m cutting down?”
THE MILITARY
A young soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your habit? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later two military policemen appeared and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
“He went that way,” the nun replied. After the MPs left, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Afghanistan.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not being rude, but I couldn’t help noticing that you have a very hairy pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you’d looked a little higher, you’d have seen a pair of hairy balls. I don’t want to go to Afghanistan either.”
Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?
They only have to learn how to take off.
An Englishiman, an Irishiman, a Welshiman and a Scot are captured by the Taliban. The Taliban leader says to them, “We’re going to shoot you infdels, but we are fair people and we will give you one last request. He turns to the Welshiman: “What is your last request?”
The Welshiman replies, “I want to hear a thousand Welshimen singing ‘Land of my Fathers’.”
“Okay, you will have your request.” He turns to the Scotsman. “What about you?”
“I want to hear a thousand Scots pipers piping ‘Scotland the Brave’,” replies the Scot.
“You’ve got it,” says the Taliban leader. He turns to the Irishiman. “What is your last request?”
“I want to see a thousand Irishimen doing the Riverdance,” says Paddy.
“It will be yours,” says the Taliban leader.
Finally he turns to the Englishiman. “And your last request?”
“Please . . .” replies the Englishiman, “. . . shoot me first.”
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the war in Iraq?
They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
An army major is visiting a field hospital. He walks up to the bed of a sick private and asks, “What’s your problem, soldier?”
“Chronic syphilis, sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, sir.”
“Good man,” barks the major.
He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, soldier?”
“Chronic piles, sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, sir.”
“Good man,” says the major.
He moves to the next bed. “What’s your problem, soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before those other fuckers, sir!”
An American destroyer is sailing in the English Channel, just off the southern coast of England, when it receives a call. “This is Britain. You need to divert your course fifteen degrees.”
The American radio operator replies: “No deal, motherfucker. How about you divert your course fifteen degrees or we’ll bomb your ass to kingdom come!”
The reply comes: “This is a lighthouse, your call.”
Two Irish soldiers in Afghanistan are given a new helicopter. They take it for a spin and Mick says to Paddy: “If I turn this helicopter upside-down, do you think we’ll fall out?”
Paddy replies: “Of course not, Mick. We’ll always be friends.”
An officer is posted to a remote desert outpost to look after a unit of troops. When he arrives he sees that there is very little in the way of entertainment, so he asks one of the men, “What do you do for sex around here?”
The trooper points to a donkey tied to a post nearby. The officer is outraged and orders the donkey to be put out in the field; he warns that if any man goes near it, he will be shot.
After several weeks without women, the officer begins to feel a bit edgy. Finally he cracks and asks for the donkey to be brought back to his tent. When it arrives he figures that he’s going to be the one to go first and so drops his trousers and begins to have his way with the donkey. At this point he catches sight of his troops peering in at him, aghast, through the tent fap. “You guys have a problem with this?” he demands. “Isn’t this the way you all did it?”
“Not exactly, sir,” one of the men replies. “We rode the donkey into town to meet girls.”
My grandfather had his tongue ripped out by the Japs in Burma during the Second World War. He doesn’t talk about it, though.
MOTHERS-IN-LAW
What is the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About three pounds, including the urn.
What do you have when you have a mother-in-law buried up to her neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What looks good on a mother-in-law?
A doberman.
“I was in the shopping centre the other day when I saw six hoodies atacking my mother-in-law. As I stood there and watched, my wife said, “Well, aren’t you going to help?”
I replied, “Nope. Six should be enough.” ”
A bloke brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?”
The vet examines the tail and says, “There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?”
The man replies, “My mother-in-law is coming to visit. I don’t want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome.”
If your wife and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you had to choose, would you go to the pub or hire a DVD?
MORTICIANS
There were three morticians swapping stories in the bar. The first one says, “What a day I had today. This guy wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and his head few into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural.”
Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, “You think that’s bad? I had this bloke in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me two days to put all the pieces back together!”
The third mortician just shakes his head. “You guys have it easy. I had this female parachutist whose chute didn’t open. She landed on a flagpole. It took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face.”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 31