The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  Judaism – why does this shit always happen to us?

  Hinduism – this shit happened before.

  Catholicism – if shit happens, it’s because I deserve it.

  Hare Krishna – shit happens, Ramah Lama Ding Dong

  TV Evangelism – end more shit.

  Jehovah’s Witness – knock knock, shit happens.

  Hedonism – there’s nothing like a good shit happening.

  Christian Science – shit happens in your mind.

  Agnosticism – maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

  Rastafarianism – let’s smoke this shit!

  Existentialism – what is shit anyway?

  Stoicism – this shit doesn’t bother me.

  Atheism – no shit.

  A man dies and he goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says: “Come with me. You get to choose your eternal punishiment.”

  He walks by the first room and sees a man being whipped by a 300-lb transvestite and he thinks to himself, “Oh, God no!”

  He walks by the second room and sees a man being burned with cigarettes by a 200-lb transsexual vegetarian. Again, he thinks, “No way in hell will I choose that.”

  He walks by the third room and sees a beautiful blonde giving an old man a blow job. He says to Satan, “Okay. I’ll choose this one.”

  Satan agrees, walks up to the blonde and says: “You can go now, chuck. I’ve found your replacement.”

  Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the twenty-first century. “I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously. “Did you?”

  “I don’t know,” shrugged the other. “What was her maiden name?”

  RETIREMENT HOMES

  An old man in a nursing home walks up to a little old lady and says, “Guess how old I am!”

  She unzips his fy, puts her hand inside his pants, then rummages around for a couple of minutes. “You’re 82!”

  He says, “That’s amazing! How do you know?”

  She replies, “You told me yesterday.”

  A group of old people were talking at the breakfast table in a nursing home.

  “My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

  “Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee,” replied another.

  “I can’t turn my head because of arthritis in my neck,” said a third, at which the rest nodded weakly.

  “My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another added.

  “That’s nothing,” said another old man, “I’ve had two triple-bypass operations, a hip replacement and new knees. I’ve battled prostate cancer and have diabetes. I’m half blind, I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take twenty different medications for my blood pressure that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I also have episodes of dementia and my circulation is so poor that I can no longer feel my hands or my feet. To be honest, I can’t remember if I’m eighty-fve or ninety-two.”

  “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said yet another lady, and again they all nodded in agreement.

  Then there was a short moment of silence. “Well, it could be worse,” said one old woman. “Thank God we all still have our driver’s licences.”

  ’ One evening a family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home. The next morning the nurses bathed her, fed her a good breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely fower garden. She appeared to be perfectly okay, but after a while she slowly started to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straightened her up. Again she seemed to be okay for a while, but after a couple of minutes she started to tilt to the other side. Again, the nurses rushed back and brought her upright. This went on all morning.

  Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So, mum, how is it here? Are they treating you well?” they asked.

  “It’s not bad,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

  Three old men were sitting in a retirement home chewing the fat.

  “I hate being in my seventies,” said the first. “You always feel like you want to piss and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

  “Ah, that’s nothing,” said the second. “When you’re in your eighties, you don’t have a proper bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

  “No, being in your nineties is the worst age of all,” said the third.

  “Do you have trouble pissing as well then?” asked the first old man.

  “No, not really, I have a piss every morning at 6 a.m. I piss like a racehorse, no problem at all.”

  “So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

  “No, I have a shit every morning at 6:30 precisely.”

  At this, the second old man said: “Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6 a.m. and shit every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so bad about being in your nineties?”

  “I don’t wake up until 7 a.m.”

  An old married couple were playing cards in the nursing home, as they had done every afternoon for several years. The old lady suddenly looks up and says, “I’m sorry darling. I know we’ve been married for many years, but for the life of me, I just can’t bring it to mind . . . would you please tell me your name again?”

  There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then her husband responds, “How soon do you need to know?”

  An old woman walks into the recreation room at the retirement home, holds her clenched fst in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

  An elderly gentleman at the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

  She thinks for a minute and says, “Close enough.”

  Two old men sitting in a retirement home. “I’m full of aches and pains today, Ted. How do you feel?”

  His friend replies: “Like a newborn baby, Alf.”

  “Really?” says Ted.

  “Yes,” says Ted. “Hairless, toothless and I’ve just shat myself.”

  They said that my grandad was “like a fish out of water” when he moved into the old people’s home. In other words, he was dead.

  An elderly couple were sitting in an old folks’ home watching the TV. All of a sudden the old man reaches over and punches his wife in the face.

  “What was that for?!” she exclaims angrily.

  “Forty years of crap sex!” her husband replies.

  She remains silent and they continue watching the TV. A couple of minutes later, the old lady gets up and kicks her husband in the balls.

  “Bloody hell,” he moans, writhing on the foor. “What was that for?”

  She replies, “That’s for knowing the difference!”

  I once got a gig as a stand-up comedian in an old people’s home. They were a superb audience. When I say superb audience, none of them got my jokes but they still wet themselves.

  An old lady in a nursing home was trundling up and down the corridor on her Zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her.

  “You do realize you were speeding just then? Could I have your driving licence?” he says. She hands over her library card. He studies it carefully and hands it back with a raffe ticket. “Here’s a speeding ticket,” the old man tells her. “Be on your way, and drive more slowly this time.”

  A couple of hours later the same old woman is doing the same journey when the ex-copper once again jumps out in front of her. “That U-turn you did just then was illegal, can I see your driving licence?” Once again she hands over her library card; he checks it and sends her on her way.

  Several minutes pass and she is coming down the corridor again. The old man jumps out of his room stark naked, nursing a wrinkly erection. The old lady says: “Oh no, not the breathalyser again!”

  ROAD ACCIDEN
TS

  Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was still sitting in his seat, screaming his head off. One of the paramedics tried to calm him down. “Pull yourself together, man,” he says. “At least you haven’t gone through the windscreen like your passenger.” He points at a girl lying unconscious on the side of the road.

  The driver replied: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth.”

  A man awoke in hospital, swathed in bandages from head to foot.

  “Hello,” said the doctor standing next to his bed. “I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but I’m afraid you were in a terrible pile-up on the M1. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again, but there is a bit of bad news and I’m going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your penis was lost in the wreckage and we were unable to find it.”

  The bloke groans but the doctor continues. “We’ve checked your insurance and you’ve actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you, and the good news is that we have the technology now to reconstruct your penis and it will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come cheap. It will cost you £1,000 an inch.”

  The man brightened up a bit at this news. The doctor goes on. “It’s your decision. You need to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. If you had a fve-inch dong previously, and you decide to go for a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand of you had a nine-incher before and you decide only to invest in a fve-incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it is very important that you consult with her to help you make the correct decision.”

  The doctor returns the next day, and asks: “Have you spoken with your wife?”

  “I have, doctor.”

  “And has she helped you to make the decision?”

  “Yes, she has.”

  “And what is the decision?” enquires the doctor.

  “We’re having a new kitchen.”

  A coach full of handicapped people has crashed in the Lake District.

  Rescue workers say it will be days before they can pull the coach from the wreckage.

  A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a used dildo fies out and thumps against the windscreen, causing the car to veer off the road into a ditch. Fortunately the occupants escape the accident unscathed.

  Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, that was an insect.”

  Her son replies, “Funny. I’m amazed it could get off the ground with a cock as big as that.”

  One day the vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A woman stood and walked to the podium.

  She said, “I would like to say something. Two monthis ago, my husband Arnold had a terrible motorbike accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was agonizing and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

  At this point there was an audible collective groan from the men in the congregation as they visualized Arnold’s mangled scrotum.

  “My Arnold was unable to hold me or the children,” she continued, “and every small movement caused him excruciating pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very diffcult and delicate operation and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Arnold’s mangled scrotum and wrap surgical wire around it to hold it in place.”

  By this time all the men in the congregation were writhing in their seats, with tears in their eyes, as they visualized the operation performed on poor Arnold.

  “But now”, she announced in a shaky voice, “the good Lord had delivered Arnold back home to us and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

  All the men sighed with relief. The vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

  “I’m Arnold,” he said. The entire congregation held its breath. “And I just wanted to say that the word my wife is looking for is sternum.”

  ROYALTY

  Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding to Prince Charles and, as the day wore on, they became increasingly tight around her feet. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their honeymoon suite, she fopped on the bed and said, “Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!” The Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

  “Harder!” yelled Camilla, “Harder!”

  Charles yelled back, “I’m trying, my darling! But it’s just so blooming tight!”

  “Come on, my prince! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.

  Finally the shoe was released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, “Oh God, that feels so good!”

  In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip, “See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!”

  Meanwhile, Charles was working hard to remove Camilla’s other shoe.

  “Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one’s even tighter!”

  Prince Philip said to the Queen: “That’s my boy. Once a navy man, always a navy man!”

  The royal family is out for a drive in the Rolls Royce when they are fagged down by a highwayman. Prince Philip tells the Queen, “Quick, hide all the jewels in your snatch.” The highwayman pokes his head in the window and seeing no valuables, tells everyone to get out of the car and drives away.

  Standing beside the road, the Queen turns to Philip and says, “That was quick thinking. At least we saved one’s jewellery.”

  “What a pity Camilla hadn’t been here,” says Philip. “We could have saved the Roller.”

  The Queen was being shown around her new hospital by the matron. In the first room in the ward she sees a man furiously masturbating in bed. “Good grief!” says the Queen. “Why is one masturbating in bed?”

  “Well,” the matron explains, “that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn’t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode.”

  “Oh, I see. That poor man,” says the Queen.

  Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse. Clearly shocked, the Queen gathers herself and says: “This is terrible, what’s one’s explanation for this?”

  “He has exactly the same condition as the man in the other ward,” replies the matron. “Fortunately, however, he has private medical insurance.”

  What did Princess Diana and the Queen Mother have in common?

  They both died pushing 102.

  Camilla Parker-Bowles goes to see the doctor. “Doctor, whenever I swallow Charles’ semen, I get heartburn and indigestion.”

  “I see,” said the doctor. “Have you tried Andrew’s?”

  What was the difference between the Queen Mother and the London Underground?

  The Underground got an extension for the Jubilee.

  I read in the newspaper that since the death of Princess Diana, on average Camilla receives two human turds in the post every day. What I want to know is who is sending the other one?

  Prince Charles was visiting Stoke-on-Trent and all the civic dignitaries were lined up at Stoke station ready for the royal train to arrive. As the train came to a standstill the door to the royal carriage opened and out stepped the prince, who appeared to be wearing a piece of red carpet on his head. Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a genuine fox-fur hat. The lord mayor of Stoke-on-Trent stepped forward and whispered in the prince’s ear, “Sir, it is one of the hottest days of the year. I know your views about hunting and all that, but it’s hardly politically correct, is it? I mean, wearing a fox-fur hat on a hot day?”

  “Oh, this old thing,” Charles indicated his hat, “this was daddy’s idea.”

  “Daddy’s idea?” said the lord mayor incredulously. “You mean the D
uke of Edinburgh told you to wear it?”

  “Oh yes,” replied Charles, “you see, he asked me where I was off to today, and when I told him I was going to Stoke-on-Trent, he said ‘Stoke-on-Trent? Wear the fox hat!’”

  Why won’t the Post Offce issue stamps with a picture of Camilla on them?

  Because people won’t know which side to spit on.

  The Queen and Prince Philip were dining out in one of London’s fnest restaurants. The waiter comes over and asks what Philip would like to order.

  “I’ll have two rare steaks.”

  The waiter says, “Does sir mean two bloody steaks?”

  Philip replies, “Yes, quite right, two bloody steaks.”

  To which the Queen adds, “And make sure there are plenty of fucking chips.”

  What takes at least three strokes before it gets stiff?

  Princess Margaret.

  Prince Charles was driving around Sandringham when he heard a soft “thud”. He got out his Range Rover to discover that he had accidentally run over his mother’s favourite Corgi, crushing it to a bloody pulp. Charles sat down on the grass and put his head in his hands – one’s mother was going to go ballistic!

  Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

  “You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,” said the genie. “Due to the credit crunch, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So . . . what’ll it be?”

  “What a terrifc stroke of luck,” said Charles. “The thing is, one pretty much already has all the material things in life, but let me show you this dog.” They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. “Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?” the Prince asked.