The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes
Page 49
Three men were drinking at a bar, a doctor, a lawyer and a Geordie. The doctor said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a Vivienne Westwood suit and a diamond ring. Even if she doesn’t like the suit, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”
The lawyer said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the shoes, she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”
The Geordie said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself!”
VIVE LA FRANCE
Why did the French invent the bidet?
It’s easier than drinking out of the toilet.
Where’s the best place to hide your money?
Under a Frenchman’s soap.
Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
So that the Germans can march in the shade.
What do you call a Frenchman killed in battle?
The slowest runner.
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they can watch the battle.
Going to war without the French is like . . . well, the Second World War actually.
What’s the difference between toast and a Frenchman?
You can make soldiers out of toast.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows, it hasn’t been tried yet.
How can you recognize a French war veteran?
Sunburned armpits.
You really do have to hand it to the French.
After all, they won’t fight for it.
Why is the French flag made of Velcro?
So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
A man goes into an army surplus store and says: “I’d like a French army knife please.”
The assistant replies, “We have Swiss army knives sir, but I’ve never heard of a French army knife. How does that work?”
The man replies, “Oh, you know, no scissors or tweezers, just six corkscrews and a white flag.”
Ten Reasons Why it’s great to Be french
1 When you are talking quickly you can make yourself sound gay.
2 You don’t mind if your women never wash.
3 You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs’ legs.
4 If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
5 You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6 You get to test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
7 You can be ugly and still be a famous film star.
8 You allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street without damaging your sense of national pride.
9 You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the streets.
10 People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.
An elderly Englishman arrived at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. At passport control, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his travel bag, much to the irritation of the French immigration officer.
“Have you been to France before, monsieur?” the officer asked. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. “Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready, monsieur.”
The elderly visitor replied, “I wouldn’t know about that. The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show a passport.”
“Impossible,” snorted the official. “All visitors have to show their passports on arrival in France!”
The elderly gentleman replied, “Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Sword Beach on D-Day in June 1944 and I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A salesman.
A French war hero, a Muslim pacifist and the Loch Ness Monster are sitting in a bar. Who is the odd one out?
The Loch Ness Monster – because there is a chance that he actually exists.
WELSHMEN
What do you call a bunch of sheep tied to a tree in Wales?
The local leisure centre.
What do you call a Welshman with several girlfriends?
A shepherd.
How does a Welshman find sheep in long grass?
Irresistible.
What do you call a Welshman who owns sheep and goats?
Bisexual.
Why does a Welshman fuck a sheep next to a cliff edge?
To make sure that the sheep pushes back.
Why do Welsh farmers wear Velcro on their trousers?
Because sheep have learned to detect the sound of a zipper a mile away.
Why can’t Welsh people count sheep to help them get to sleep?
Because when they get to three they have to stop and have a wank.
Have you heard about the festival celebrated by Welsh Muslims?
It’s called Ramalamb.
What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
A Welshman goes to the local livestock auctions and says, “I’d like to bid for a female sheep, please.”
The auctioneer says, “Certainly sir. Are you looking for a ewe, or a lamb?”
The Welshman replies, “A ewe, obviously! What do you think I am, some kind of a nonce?”
Wales. Where else can you get a shag, a nice warm coat and a casserole all from the same date?
A Welshman is having a driving lesson. The instructor asks, “Can you make a u-turn?”
“Sure can,” he replies, “I can make its eyes water if I go in dry.”
WORK
I once had a job in one of those paperless offices. It was okay until I needed a shit.
What’s the worst thing about rising unemployment? It gets more difficult to shag your girlfriend with her husband at home.
A large bank hired a new chief executive officer to rid the company of deadwood. On a tour of the firm’s headquarters, the CEO noticed a young man slouching against a counter with his hands in his pockets. The room was full of employees and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the young man and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make £300 a week. What’s it to you?”
The CEO then handed him £1,200 in cash and bawled, “Here’s a month’s pay. Now FUCK OFF and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy bastard did around here?”
From across the room an employee shouted, “He delivered pizza from Domino’s.”
A man phones work and says, “Sorry, I can’t come in today - I’m sick.”
His boss enquires: “How sick are you?”
“Well,” the man replies, “you be the judge. I’m in bed with my sister.”
Unemployed and desperate for work, Steve decides to accept a job, mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he finally arrives at the mining camp, hundreds of miles from the nearest town. The camp is very small, with only a few miners. He meets the manager, who explains what his job entails. “You work for six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your main job is to clear out the rubble and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work is hard but you will get used to it.”
The next morning Steve goes to work. The work is very hard, but he is a strong lad and he can get through it. By the time Thursday comes around, however, he is feeling homesick and very lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away he wonders how the other guys cope from day to day. So, he approaches the mine manager for advice.
“The job is okay and I have no complaints about the work, but I was kind of wondering what the other miners do for women around here?”
“Say no more,” said the manager. “Follow me.”
He leads Steve deep into the mine and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a really ancient looking tunnel. “There,” the manager says, pointing at a barrel. “The other miners use this.”
“How?” says Steve.
“Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out.”
Steve is more than a little embarrassed and very sceptical about this, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He sticks his dick in the knot hole and can’t believe the results – it actually feels like the best blow job he’s ever had in his life! Friday comes around and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Unbelievable! This time the blow job is even better than the first time. Steve sleeps in on Saturday, his day off, and gets up for breakfast feeling really great. There isn’t much to do, so he goes for a walk. On his way he bumps into the manager, who asks him: “Where do you think you’re going?”
“It’s my day off . . .”
“Day off? Christ, no! It’s your turn in the barrel.”
A manager calls four of his employees into the office: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”
The black employee steps forward and says, “I’m a protected minority. Fire me and I’ll sue for racial discrimination.”
The female employee steps forward and says: “And I’m a woman. Fire me and I’ll sue for sexual discrimination.”
The oldest employee says: “Fire me, son, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks for a moment, then says: “I think I might be gay.”
ZOOS
One day, while on a safari holiday in Kenya, a man was walking through the bush when he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant was clearly in some distress, so the man approached it very cautiously. As he got closer he realized that there appeared to be something sticking out of the elephant’s foot. He got down on one knee and carefully inspected the bottom of the elephant’s foot, only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully as he possibly could, he tugged at the thorn until it came out. The elephant gingerly put its foot down, then turned on the man with a wild look in its eyes, staring him down.
The man was frozen in panic. For what seemed like an eternity, he stood rooted to the ground with the elephant towering over him, convinced that he was about to be trampled to death. Then, to his huge relief, the elephant turned and walked away.
Over the next couple of years there wasn’t a day that went by without the man pondering upon the amazing events of that day.
Several years later, the man was visiting the zoo with his small son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. As it stared at him, the man saw what he thought was a flicker of recognition. He couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. At that moment, the man realized that he had taken his eye off his young son and that the boy had climbed the rail and fallen into the elephant enclosure. Thinking swiftly, the man climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure towards the elephant, which was standing over the boy as he lay on the ground. He walked right up to the elephant and looked it in the eye. Suddenly, the elephant raised his foot and crushed the boy’s head, then wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, snapping his neck and killing him. Probably not the same elephant then.
A man walks into a zoo, and all it has is a single dog. It was a shitzu.