A Fruitful Intimacy

by Donna Gallagher

  “Ben, I really don’t think that is an appropriate table conversation in front of the children.”

  “Sorry, honey, I guess not,” he replied lamely. “Would anyone like another lamb chop?”

  “Yeah, bro, chuck me another one,” Luke said, holding up his plate.

  “Can I have another one please, Daddy?” Ben’s eldest son asked but before he could act on Luke or his son’s request, Beth had snatched up the plate holding the chops and dished them out.

  “Gee, it got cold quickly tonight.” Lucy tried again.

  “That’s why we are eating inside,” Beth answered, again leaving little room to expand the conversation.

  “Beth, maybe we should get one of those outdoor heaters?”

  “Pass me the potatoes if you’re finished with them please, Luke?”

  “Mmm… Sure, Beth, here you go. They were…umm…really nice tonight.”

  “Potatoes are potatoes, Luke.” Beth attempted an awkward smile in Luke’s direction.

  She had ignored his question completely and rebuffed Luke’s clumsy attempt at a compliment. It had started to border on rudeness and that was not Beth’s style. She’d hardly made eye contact with Ben at all over dinner. Usually meals shared with Luke and Lucy where loud and rambunctious affairs, as his sons tried to outdo each other for Uncle Luke’s attention. He and Beth usually spent half the dinner having to reprimand them over talking with full mouths or interrupting. Ben was baffled over why they were being so quiet. There were no food fights on the cards tonight. If he hadn’t witnessed all three racing around the backyard and jumping all over Luke earlier, he would have been concerned they were coming down with something. Sick kids certainly the death knell for his plans with Beth. It was horrible to think even his children had picked up on the tension in the room.

  It was time to bring this awkwardness to an end because any moment now, Beth would bolt from the table with the excuse of cleaning up. Ben really needed to broach the subject of their holiday, now.

  “Boys, I want you to take your plates to the sink then you can go watch television for a while. I think the footy is about to start. Can you guys watch the game for me? Let me know who wins? Uncle Luke, Aunt Lucy, your mum and I have some adult things to talk about.”

  As if the gods were finally giving Ben a break, his sons did exactly as he’d asked. Not a murmur of dissention or complaint from any of them.

  “Hmm, that went better than I thought it would.” He chuckled out loud as he turned his attention back to the situation at hand. Beth started to rise from her seat. Ben reached out his hand and grabbed at her arm to stop her. “Beth, can you sit back down for a sec? I really need to talk to you about something.”

  Beth did sit back down, but Ben could tell she wasn’t happy about the idea from the look she graced him with. It was definitely one of her not now looks. Ben recognized the facial expression—well, had seen the same one enough times over the years. But he ignored her silent plea. He needed to get this done.

  Beth obviously recognized that in him too. He watched as her shoulders slumped forward. She folded her arms on the table, each hand gripping the opposite elbow, as if she needed to do something to support her own body. Beth’s head dropped forward as she spoke, “Just say it, Ben. Whatever this is all about. Although I would have preferred to have this conversation in private.”

  For a moment Beth’s words confused Ben. What did she think he was about to say? Had she figured out about the holiday? Had someone told her? Ben glared at his brother, but Luke just held his hands up palms forward as if to deny any involvement. Even Lucy, usually so calm under any circumstance, started to fidget with her cutlery, straightening the knife one way, then moving it around before straightening it again.

  “Well, Ben, do you have something to say or not? These dishes aren’t going to do themselves.”

  Ben took a deep breath, pulling his thoughts together, getting them straight inside his head as he tried to remember what he was going to say the way he had rehearsed. He rose from the table and grabbed the paperwork and brochures he had earlier strategically placed on the sideboard as they’d all sat down for dinner. Returning to his seat, Ben placed the unopened folder in front of him. He put his hand on Beth’s arm. Relief she did not pull away from him his touch gave Ben a small boost of hope he might be able to bring his plan to fruition.

  “Honey, I have a surprise for you. Now, I want you to promise you will hear me out before you make any decisions. Will you do that for me, sweetheart?” Ben waited for Beth to respond.

  She was looking at him, staring at him in fact. She looks confused.

  He needed her to make him the promise, though, before he started to explain his plans. Beth would jump all over the idea and absolutely hate leaving the kids. Ben wanted to get the chance to assure her of Luke and Lucy’s willingness to look after them. “Please, Beth, this is important. Will you hear me out?”

  “Okay, Ben.” Beth’s whisper was so soft that if he hadn’t been looking at her lips, seen them move, he may have missed hearing her at all. But, she had promised, so it was now or never.

  When he’d first started on the plans to take Beth for a romantic interlude, it had all been about getting in some action, without the kids around to distract Beth or give her an excuse to turn him down. But now this whole getaway meant a hell of a lot more to him—to them. Ben had not realized how desperate the state of their marriage had become. How much work needed to be done to get them back to the place they were before—that loving, committed to one another place, where they had vowed to love each other, to spend the rest of their lives side by side.

  What made the situation even worse? Ben had only himself to blame. After all, Beth was just trying to give him the family life he had dreamed of growing up. A result of a childhood filled with watching unrealistic family shows. He dreamed of a mother at home baking a fresh batch of cookies every day, cooking a pot roast on Sunday with a smile on her face showing nothing but unconditional love for him—the polar opposite to Ben’s reality.

  Ben hadn’t stopped Beth from trying to become some sort of superwoman. He had watched as his beautiful, accomplished, intelligent sexy wife had started second-guessing herself, watched on as she had lost her confidence, shouldering all the blame that she couldn’t be this imaginary perfect mother and wife he had wished for.

  “Beth, I have a bit of a surprise. One I’ve been working on over the past few weeks. I think we need a holiday, a break from everyday life. Just you and me, a chance to recharge our batteries, you could say.”

  Ben studied Beth’s face closely, trying to find a hint in her demeanor that would clue him in on how he was doing, but Beth’s features remained unmoved, so he soldiered on. “Luke and Lucy are here because they are an integral part of my plan.” Ben took another steadying breath, thinking it should not be this hard to invite his wife on a romantic getaway. “I booked us a beachside house on Heron Island, off the coast of Queensland. We fly to Gladstone tomorrow morning. A helicopter will transfer us to the resort. We have four days and three nights to spend relaxing on the beach or we can snorkel The Barrier Reef, take a boat tour, whatever we want. Just the two of us—a second honeymoon, you could say.”

  Beth still made no comment, but her eyes had grown round as she listened to him. He just didn’t know whether it was a good thing or not.

  “Luke and Lucy have offered to look after the boys. We all thought it would be less disruptive if they stayed here at the house. I have given Luke a list of what needs to be done, but you can have a look through. Add whatever I’ve forgotten,” Ben said, words gushing from his mouth. Opening the folder containing their itinerary, Ben shuffled through the paperwork before handing the list to Beth. To his relief, she reached out to take the pages from him without further encouragement.

  “Lucy has taken a few days leave from work so she can help,” he continued. “I’ve organized everything. All you need to do is pack a few things in a bag, swimsuit, something to w
ear to and from the beach, something a little dressier if you want to dine in the restaurant. I’m packed. I did it earlier, while you were busy in the kitchen. What do you say, Beth? Will you come away with me?”

  Beth didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Ben had thought of everything. She read through the list he had prepared for Luke on what the boys would need and couldn’t have done it any better. The fact Ben knew all these things took her by surprise. Beth had no idea he was so aware of what she did every day. Judging by the six neatly typed pages, he was.

  She couldn’t think of a single thing to add. He had covered every detail from the minute the boys woke to the time they went to bed.

  It all seemed so easy. Throw a few things in a bag and just take off. Surely that wasn’t right. Could a mother just leave her children for four days? Was that acceptable behavior? Wouldn’t the boys miss her? Could Luke handle the role she had so much trouble doing herself, even if only for a few days?

  Ben was waiting for her to answer. By the way he looked at her and fidgeted with the end of the tablecloth, he clearly wasn’t certain she was going to agree. What a wonderful gift he had prepared for them, one she understood they needed, their marriage needed. She felt nervous. What would they talk about with so much time alone? Would it be awkward silences or stilted conversation, proving beyond a doubt they had lost the magic that had brought them together? Not to mention the fact she didn’t even have any swimwear she wanted to be seen in—or that fitted.

  “It appears you’ve thought of everything. I just don’t know. It’s such short notice, Ben. I’ve loads of washing to do. Tomorrow is my grocery shopping day. There isn’t much food in the house—”

  “I can shop,” Lucy piped in, cutting Beth off. “You could jot down a list of things for me to pick up. I do know my way around a supermarket, Beth. You don’t have to worry about anything. Don’t forget I’m qualified, trained to get rioters back under control. I think I can look after the boys for a few days. Luke can handle the washing. I’ll have you know your brother-in-law does all those domesticated type jobs at home. He probably didn’t want you to know, but I’ve gotta say, Luke is quite the domestic god these days.”

  “Aw! That was our secret, Lucy. My brother will never let me live it down. So I like a clean living environment. What’s the big deal? Beth, Lucy is right, though. Give us a chance to look after the little tackers. The few days will be good for all of us, a chance to really get to know my nephews, for them to see me in a different role, someone they can rely on to look after them,” Luke chimed in, right after his wife’s statement.

  What could Beth say? Everything was set, ready for her to take advantage of. A romantic holiday with Ben, the children spending family time with their uncle and aunt. Nothing seemed to be a problem. She could do this. Only an hour or so ago she had decided to try to win her husband back, she’d just been handed the opportunity on a platter. All she had to do was take it.

  “What do you say, Beth? Will we be catching that flight tomorrow morning or not?” Ben asked her again, this time there was a hint of sadness in his voice, as if he’d already decided he would hear her refusal.

  “Sounds like the best news I’ve heard in weeks, Ben, I’d love to spend a few days on a tropical island paradise with you,” she admitted.

  The smile that lit up Ben’s face as his eyes shone bright with happiness almost brought tears to hers. Ben still loved her—otherwise he wouldn’t have gone to so much trouble or been so obviously overjoyed with her reply.

  “Thank you, baby. I promise you, this will be the best few days of your life, I’m going to do everything in my power to make it that way,” Ben told her as he took her hand in his, brought her arm up toward his mouth, and placed a kiss on the inside of her wrist, just like he used to do in the past.

  Beth loved Ben kissing her on that spot—it always gave her goosebumps. This time was no different. She felt the familiar tingle race over her skin at his touch. The flutter of her heart caused from the intimate knowledge of his intentions by kissing her there—even in the presence of Luke and Lucy—couldn’t diminish her response. Beth could only hope her mind would not let her body down when the time came. She wanted to make love to Ben, to reclaim the passion they’d once shared. She just had to relax, let her desire loose, without getting lost in her own insecurities again.

  Chapter Six

  Less than twenty-four hours later, Ben found himself standing inside a beach house on Heron Island. The sun shone as a slight breeze whispered, keeping the temperature of the room pleasant. Through the open sliding glass doors of their luxurious accommodation, the blue of the Pacific Ocean against the white sand of the deserted beach made a spectacular, picture-postcard view. Everything was perfect—everything apart from the tension that radiated from his wife. It was palpable.

  Beth had hardly said more than a handful of words to him since they’d left home. Oh, she had been very vocal when saying goodbye to the boys, giving each a hug and making them promise to be good for Luke and Lucy. She had even given the babysitters a hug, thanking them over and over for their generosity in looking after the boys. Beth had enthusiastically agreed with the woman at the flight check-in desk that Heron Island was a beautiful place, happily chatting about how much she looked forward to relaxing in the tropical paradise. On the flight, Beth had spoken cheerily to the stewardess, as she’d accepted the offer for in-flight refreshment. But she had said few words to him.

  Ben couldn’t help but compare the way he felt now, the tension and nervous anticipation, to that of a first date, although even their first date had been easier than this. He had to do something, quickly—make Beth feel more comfortable around him.

  “How are you, Beth? Do you like the room?” He started off gingerly, trying to gauge the reason for Beth’s uneasiness. “Would you like to put your things away first or maybe we could go for a walk along the beach? Whatever you want, baby. Just tell me and we’ll do it.”

  Beth remained silent for what seemed an age to Ben. As her eyes filled with tears, panic and disappointment filled him. She hated it here, being with him. He shouldn’t have sprung the holiday on her the way he had. He’d given her no way to refuse him, not without embarrassing them both in front of his brother. God, I’ve been an idiot. Just as he mentally made the decision to pick up the phone to get them off the island and on the way back home, Beth spoke.

  “Ben, it’s so beautiful here, so peaceful. I can’t believe you organized all this for us. I’m overwhelmed by the gesture. Honestly, I’m just really nervous.” She giggled as she made her admission. “How silly of me to be nervous about spending time with—or the thought of making love to—my own husband, but that’s how I feel. What’s happened to us, Ben? When did our relationship get this confusing?”

  Beth’s anxious giggle turned into a sorrowful sounding sigh that tore at Ben’s heart. He moved toward her, placed his arms around her shoulders, and pulled her body to his own. Hugging her to him, he tried to give some comfort to his beautiful wife.

  “Oh, baby, I don’t know,” Ben whispered in Beth’s ear as he tightened his embrace. “I think it just crept up on us slowly until we stopped making time for each other—let everything else get in the way. I feel I should shoulder most of the blame for this, Beth. I should have done more to help you. I could see you were trying to give me the life I thought I wanted, my fantasy. I watched what the pressure of creating such an unrealistic dream was doing to you. Worse, I just let you go on thinking I still wanted that life.”

  “I tried so hard, Ben.” Beth sobbed quietly to him. “It’s just the harder I tried, the more I seemed to fail. I didn’t realize motherhood would be so damn tiring. Then I would feel guilty. Other women manage to look after their families and work full-time. I just don’t know how they manage. I’m such a failure.”

  Beth’s body sagged against his, her posture reflecting her despair as the sound of her soft sobs filled his ears. He felt a sudden surge of anger—directed fully at his
own selfish behavior over the years. He loved Beth more than he could ever put into words, but clearly she didn’t realize that, he had to try to show her. Had to let this beautiful broken woman sobbing in his arms know that she was in no way a failure. What she did for him and their sons was one of the most wonderful gifts in the world, he needed to tell Beth how much he appreciated all her efforts—the love and nurturing she showered on his sons. Ben intended to show her his appreciation on a daily basis in the future. Fuck, he would show her every minute, every second of the day if that’s what it took to bring his wife back to him. Bring back the vibrant Beth from the past.

  “I love you so much, Beth. You are not a failure, baby. In my eyes, you are still the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. It’s just you’re not superwoman. I don’t want you to be one.”

  “Not so beautiful on the outside anymore. Not like before,” Beth whispered. Ben pulled his body away from Beth’s just a little, so he could focus on her face, so he could make her look at him before he spoke his next thoughts. He wanted Beth to see the truth of the words reflected in his eyes as he said them, so she would have no doubt of his honesty.

  “Are you saying you don’t believe me, Beth? When I tell you I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen—the woman I love? Do you really believe I would say those words if I didn’t mean them? After all these years together, you don’t trust me anymore?” He was being a bit brutal but Ben really needed Beth to believe him. He wanted her to stop worrying about the changes to her body from childbirth, stop feeling so self-conscious. Beth had to love herself again—be comfortable in her own skin—before she could truly love him back.

  “It’s not that I don’t believe you, Ben, but look at me. I’m not the same woman you married. I’m so flabby, fat even.” Beth used her hands to grab at a small roll of fat. He had to stop himself from laughing, knowing that reaction would appall her but really, the small amount of flesh she pinched between her fingers could hardly label her as flabby, let alone fat.