I stared down at my coffee, letting my mind empty for once as I looked internally to the darkness. It seemed to speak to me, begging me to let it loose. It wanted, needed something, but I didn't know what. I turned my mind away and looked out the window right as Andrei walked passed. I froze as I watched him, my heart beating heavily in my chest.
He stopped outside the window, and the look he sent me seemed to freeze me in place. It was cold, almost frigid in its intensity. There was no warmth in his gaze, no heat, none of the fire that I had become so used to seeing. He was the polar opposite, like instead of looking at someone he almost kissed, he was looking at the enemy.
Another piece of me died in that moment. I was slowly losing myself, losing everything that mattered to me. I was becoming lost within the darkness. Would anyone even care? Or would they just lock me up in some asylum, away from the world, a best forgotten memory.
I looked away from those chilling eyes that used to hold me captive so easily. I watched as his shadow passed by and didn't look up as I heard the store's door open. He said all he needed to in that one look. I didn't know why he changed, but in that moment I didn't think it would matter. He wasn't the only one who had changed.
“What did you do?” I looked up into Rose's enraged eyes. Looks like I was going to lose everyone today.
“Nothing. I did nothing.”
She crossed her arms, her eyes staring daggers into me. “You sure in the hell did something! I haven't seen Mom this quiet in years! All she told me was that you were here then walked away. What the fuck, Star?”
“Look, I already said sorry to your Mom, okay? I didn't mean to snap on her. I was just tired of not being able to get a word in.” I shot back. Her anger was no match for mine.
“You know how she is! You should have just nodded and walked away after she was done rambling! Do you know what you could have done?” Her emerald eyes were lit up like green fire. At that point I knew that she wasn't just angry, she was furious and scared.
I shot out of the chair and stood toe to toe with her. I wouldn't be cowed down by her. I'd had enough of people's shit for one day and didn't need anything else from her. “Yes, I know fully well what I could have done,” a bitter laugh escaped me as I thought about what could have happened if the darkness broke loose, “you, on the other hand, have no fucking idea. Just stay away from me, Rose. All of you should just stay away.”
I moved past her, knocking her out of the way with my shoulder.
“What happened to your face, Star? Your parents finally get tired of your shit?”
I froze and turned to look back at her. “Yes, actually, that's exactly what happened.” The shock that crossed her face was almost priceless. She wasn't expecting to be right.
“God, Star. I'm so—”
“Don't. Just don't, okay?” I turned and walked away, leaving her to stare after me.
I almost made it to the door when Andrei stepped in front of me. God, why now?
“Did they really hit you?” he asked. There wasn't any concern in his voice, no compassion. It was empty, and flat.
I shot a glare at him. Even though his face didn't show any warmth to me, I was still attracted to him. For a moment I was tempted to throw myself into his arms and sob while he held me. But he wouldn't hold me. I knew that. “What does it matter to you?”
He looked at me for a moment, then seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts. He flashed a cruel smile my way and stepped back. “Yeah, it doesn't matter.” That simple statement seemed to pierce through me to my very core. I rushed passed him and out into the chilly afternoon before the first tear fell.
******
I was aimlessly driving again when my phone rang. I grabbed it from the passenger seat and answered without looking to see who it was.
“Yeah.”
“Starlette?” I cringed. It was James.
“Yeah, it's me. What's up?”
“You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.” There was a no nonsense quality to his voice. Mom must have called. Great.
“Look, today is really not a good day.”
“All the more reason for you to come in.”
I rolled my eyes as I weaved effortlessly down side streets. “No, it's not. It's more like ‘you wouldn't want me to yell at you’ kind of things.”
“If you yell, that's fine. We're supposed to be working on your emotions anyways. That's what this is all about, helping you work through your feelings.”
“Well I'm pretty sure I know what my feelings are, so no need.”
“Be here in five minutes or I'll come looking for you.”
I stared at my phone as he hung up. He couldn't be serious. Well, he probably was. I threw my phone back onto the seat and turned around. Looks like there was another stop today. Why not just ruin everything in one fell swoop?
I stormed past the receptionist again. She barely spared me a glance. I slammed the door behind me and fell down into my chair. “Well, I'm here. Now what?”
He looked up at me, and for once he wasn't working on his laptop. “We're going to finish today.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Seriously? This last session and that's it?” This was too easy.
He laughed and eased back in his chair. “No, not with the sessions. Rather we're going to finish talking about Becca today.”
My heart stopped. Over the past few months we've been talking about my emotions and how I've felt about everything. I thought he had let go of talking about Becca. Apparently, I was wrong.
“What do you mean? I already told you everything. How we became enemies, how I came to be here.” I shrugged, forcing my body to relax. The darkness was like background music to me now. The pulsing energy almost like a lullaby. I didn't know whether or not it was a good thing that it was completely merging with me. Or maybe I was merging with it.
“True, you've told me all of that, but you never actually told me what happened that day. Why you were almost arrested.”
I shifted in my seat. “Why does it matter to you anyways?”
“Because it's my job and I'm one of the people that actually care about you.”
I laughed at that. Care. Yeah, sure they do. “Whatever. I think I'm done with everyone’s care.”
“Is that what happened to your face? Someone caring a little too much?”
“What the fuck is with everyone today? This is my face, my life, and my problems. Everyone just needs to keep their fucking noses out of it.” The darkness rose, beckoning to consume me. I went to it willingly.
He stared at me while I felt the change within me. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I was so tired of being scared. If the darkness wanted me so badly then it could have me.
“Star— what happened to Becca?”
I sat up straight and smiled. Embracing the darkness was almost freeing. “Do you know what today is?” My question caught him off guard, startling him out of his serious demeanor.
“Yes, it's the second of November.”
“That's right.” I nodded and smiled brighter. “And what happens on the third of November?”
“I don't know Star, what happens?”
“I turn eighteen. And do you know how I'm going to celebrate that?”
His frown deepened as he leaned forward. “Star, you don't want to do anything you'd end—”
“Oh just for once shut up! All you do is sit there and make me face things that are better left forgotten! But do you listen to me? No! You think this is helping, well it's not! It's getting worse! All of it is fucking getting worse and I'm tempted, oh so tempted, to give into the darkness you have no—”
“Darkness? Star, what are—”
“What am I talking about?” I stood up and started laughing again. This wasn't regular laughter, nothing about this was funny. “See, all this time you haven't been listening. None of you do. You want to know what happened to Becca. Everyone wants to know what happened to Becca.” I was becoming manic now, talking faster and faster. My heart
beat erratically against my ribs, almost painfully.
“I have been listening, Star! But apparently you haven't been telling me everything! How am I supposed to help—”
“That's just it. You can't help. None of you can help me.” Tears started to form in my eyes. I willed them back, welcoming the burn that it created. “You want to know what happened to Becca? Sure, I'll tell you.” I sat back down in my chair and brought my knees up to my chest, holding them to me as I rested my head against them.
He looked startled, the abrupt change in my mood setting him on edge. At least I wasn't the only one.
“It was a couple of months after my seventeenth birthday. We were all in the cafeteria at school. I was sitting by myself, of course, and Becca was holding court three tables down from me. They were all laughing, talking about me. They made sure I could hear them.
“I tried my best to ignore them, but my rage kept growing, the darkness that went with it consumed me. All I could think about was how much Becca's viciousness spread like a fire, consuming everything in its path. How, for once, I wished she would get burned the same way she'd burned everyone else. Including me.
“I guess I must have been muttering, because a guy sitting at the end of the table heard me. I don't remember his name or even what he looked like. Next thing you know, there was screaming. God awful screaming that seemed to echo throughout the cafeteria. More people screamed and panic ensued.
“All I could hear was the screaming. I couldn't see anything through the smoke and had to leave the room because I started gagging on one of the most horrible scents I've ever smelled. I knew the smell of burnt hair, but I didn't know the second scent.
“People started running outside in an uproar. All of a sudden I heard, 'it was her! Star did it!' and I was confused. I hadn't done anything, but everyone was now turning to me, pointing at me. It wasn't until later as I was being questioned in the police station that I learned that Becca had somehow caught on fire. Ninety percent of her body was burned. Third degree. I guess the boy who overheard me had pointed me out when everybody was outside. They blamed me, condemned me. It didn't matter what I said or who I pleaded with, they wouldn't listen to me.”
I looked up into James’s eyes and didn't see any judging there. His was compassionate, reading behind my words to the pain that was deeply hidden. “That's what happened to Becca. That's why I'm here.” I stood up to leave.
“You do know that it wasn't your fault, right?”
I sent a self-condemning smile his way. “It's funny that you think that. I thought that for a long time, but now I know the truth.”
I turned away, trying to ignore his words. “What do you mean by that? Star, just wait—”
I turned toward him one last time as my hand rested on the door handle. “I forgot to finish what I was saying earlier. Tomorrow’s November third. My eighteenth birthday. Goodbye, James. I won't be seeing you again.”
Chapter Thirty-One
I stepped out of the office, a sense of freedom filling me. I started to smile, but it dropped quickly. Was fate trying to shit on me or something? Because it was working.
“Well look what we have here. I always knew there was something wrong with you. Turns out I was right.” Jenni stood on the bottom of the steps. Her blonde hair glowing in the late evening light, her blue eyes crinkling. She was enjoying this
“Well yay for you. Do I need to throw confetti or something? Just let me know next time so I'm more prepared.” I shrugged, as if her seeing me at a shrinks office was nothing out of the ordinary. “What are you doing here anyways?”
“Well, we,” she paused and glanced pointedly over her shoulder, “were bringing Mr. Morrison his dinner. He said he had to work late on something. I guess we know what that is now. Don't we, Gabe?” I froze. I knew there was a possibility that I'd end up seeing Gabe here, but at that moment the possibility seemed so small. It was my last day, the last chance.
I swallowed hard as I looked into his eyes. He was confused, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was one of his father's patients. Jenni took care of that for me.
“Look, baby. Just another crazy coming to see your father. I guess he can't save them all, can he?”
He cut his eyes to her and what she saw made the maliciousness in her face fall. “I've had enough, Jenni.” He turned his eyes back to me as he stepped away from her. I could almost feel their relationship going up in flames. “You okay, Star?”
I nodded my head, unable to speak past the lump in my throat. The compassion and concern in his eyes almost made me cave. I knew without a doubt that if I went to him, right now, that he'd open his arms and never let me go.
I bit back the tears that started to choke me. I couldn't do it. Not to Gabe. He deserved more than I could ever offer, even if he was the type of guy I should be with. Andrei's face flashed in my mind, but I shoved it roughly away. There was no one for me. There could never be.
“I'm fine.” I said softly. I moved down the stairs and gave him a pathetic excuse for a smile. Jenni was staring between the two of us, her eyes narrowed in thought. She must have known that he would have caught on to how much of a bitch she was eventually. I knew that no matter the cause that I would be the one the backlash fell on. Now she had ample ammunition.
I got into my car right as she was trying to patch things up with him. From the tone of his voice and how rigid he was standing, I knew it was hopeless. His body language spoke volumes.
I sped off, done with the day. I didn't have anywhere else to go except for home. It wasn't a lovely thought and I dreaded walking into that house every minute of the drive there.
******
It was silent, almost eerily silent. No one barged out of doorways as I slowly walked in. There wasn't any yelling, any screaming. Nothing. I walked around, listening. Still, there was nothing. I peeked into the garage and saw that Dad's car was gone. Mom's was still there, but that didn't mean that they didn't ride together. I breathed out a sigh of relief as I made it to my room.
I undressed and stepped into the scolding hot shower, letting the pain of it beat against my already worn body. I sank slowly down onto the tub floor, drew my knees up to my chest, and finally let myself cry.
Chapter Thirty-Two
I woke up to the feeling of cool fingers lightly stoking my face. I cracked my eyes open. Mom was sitting on the bed, silently sobbing. She looked tired and had aged in the past couple of months. I never noticed the small lines that lined her eye’s until this moment. The early morning sun caught on gray that was strewn throughout her strawberry blonde hair.
“Mom, what are you doing?”
Her hand automatically retracted from my face. I missed its presence. She wiped her eyes hastily and turned a smile my way. “Nothing. Just came down to wish you a happy birthday and give you your present.”
I sat up slowly in the bed, keeping my eyes on her. “Thanks, I guess.” I looked over at the clock and noticed it was barely six in the morning. I didn't know how long she'd been here.
“It's a big day today. You're finally an adult.”
“Yes, I'm sure you and Dad are ecstatic. Now you can legally kick me out.”
Her eyes widened in horror. “No, no Star. We'd never do that.”
A chuckle erupted from me. “Sure you wouldn't.” I leaned back against my headboard and drew my knees up. “Alright, so what's the present?”
She reached beside her and handed out a small black box. “Here. It has been in our family for generations. Every female in our line gets it on the day of her eighteenth birthday.”
I took it from her and switched it from hand to hand. “So, what, is it tradition?” There it was. That word again. I hoped this tradition would be a hell of a lot better than the graveyard. A chill raced through me at that thought, while the darkness seemed to grow from it. Figures my darkness would like the graveyard.
“Basically. Go on, open it.” She looked excited and I didn't want to ruin it for her. There'd
be time for that later.
My breath caught as I opened the box. It was beautiful. Antique silver gleamed in the early morning light. The amulet was oval, almost the shape and width of an egg. There was beautiful detail work all around a blood red stone that sat heavily in the middle. As I moved the amulet to get a better look, the stone caught the sun, sending red light reflecting throughout the room.
“Wow.” I whispered. My eyes caught on the stones center. I'd never seen anything that looked so delicate yet fierce.
“Yes, it is beautiful, isn't it?” she reached out to take it. I jerked my hand back and glared at her. She backed up at the look in my eyes. “It's okay, Star. I just wanted to put the ribbon on it so you can wear it.” She held up her hand, showing me where a piece of black ribbon hung from her fingers. I blew out a breath and handed it wearily over to her, not taking my eyes off of her for a second.
It was weird. I had this fierce urge to protect it, to keep it safe. Even though I knew my mother had it before me, I didn't like the thought of anyone touching it.
“The women in our family are very special.” Mom started while working the ribbon onto the amulet. “We're never alike personably and never look alike except for the eyes. We all have the same violet eyes.” She smiled up at me. I kept watching her hands. “Some people say that we have certain ‘gifts’. This amulet seems to have a strange effect on our family. Makes us calmer, keeps us safe.”
She looked pointedly at me. I knew I was supposed to be piecing the puzzle together, but I was consumed by thoughts of the amulet. I needed it back. Now. “You must always wear this, Starlette. Never take it off, even for a moment. You're stronger than the rest of us and I think I did more harm than good by keeping this from you for so long.”
“I can't keep it on all the time, Mom. Swim class instead of regular gym, remember?” I held out my hand and greedily snatched it back, moving the ribbon around my neck and tying it in a small knot.
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