Burn It Down

by Jess Anastasi

  But then Kevin had been there—just like in the nightmares he’d had for months after leaving him. Being out somewhere and happy for the first time in ages, only for Kevin to turn up and drag him screaming back to his old apartment to chain him to the bed. He didn’t know how many times he’d had that dream—and still had very occasionally when something reminded him too closely of Kevin—so for a moment when he’d been sitting with Troy in Monroe’s, he’d experienced this confusing moment of disorientation as his mind tried to work out whether he was dreaming.

  It had been starkly real, however, as Kevin had tried to lay on the charm, but Troy had apparently seen right through it from the first word out of Kevin’s mouth. Thank God Troy had been there or he didn’t know how he would have handled it. Not that he had handled it. Troy had saved him, no doubt about it.

  He found himself stripped out of his shirt and then urged to sit on the edge of the bed, where Troy made short work of his shoes, then tugged off his jeans. Any other time, he would have been falling over himself with Troy taking his clothes off. As it was, all he could do was crawl under the blankets when Troy held them up for him and snuggle into the pillows that smelled like a combination of clean linen and whatever shampoo or bodywash Troy favored.

  He closed his eyes as Troy disappeared through a doorway—presumably into the bathroom. A moment later the muted rushing sound of the shower came on. He drifted in the silence, not quite dozing, but also not aware of time passing, needing the still calm after everything that’d happened.

  He roused when the blankets lifted, letting in a draft of cool air as Troy slid in beside him, the scent of damp, freshly washed skin and a hint of mint wafting over him. He wore a T-shirt and a pair of trunks, which was more clothes than he had on, since Troy had stripped him down to his boxer briefs.

  “Feeling okay? Did you want to take a shower?” Troy adjusted the blankets so they were settled more evenly across both of them.

  “I will if you want me to.” He clamped his mouth shut after the words escaped.

  It was something he would have said to Kevin—never sure what Kevin wanted him to do, too worried about making his own choice in case Kevin didn’t like it and lashed out. At first it’d all just been verbal, but the attacks hadn’t hurt any less. When it’d become physical, he’d realized he needed to leave. Of course, Kevin had somehow figured it out, and for a while he’d thought he wasn’t going to leave the apartment alive.

  Only after he’d gotten away from Kevin did he realize how deeply his own thought processes had been altered by Kevin’s guilt trips, gaslighting, and manipulations. It’d taken months of therapy to start changing his internal narrative that things were always his fault, or he wasn’t good enough, or what he thought didn’t matter. Two years on and he still slipped occasionally, but therapy had helped him recognize the thought patterns and consciously correct them.

  “Whatever makes you more comfortable,” Troy replied, oblivious to the turmoil in his head.

  He sucked in a ragged breath. There was no reason to get so emotional over a few words, but after what’d happened with Kevin, such simple acceptance was everything to him.

  Before he had time to pull himself back together, Troy’s arms went around him, dragging him in until he was half sprawled across his chest, the few tears that’d escaped soaking into the warm softly worn material of Troy’s T-shirt. He’d thought he couldn’t possibly have any tears left after the way he’d cried out in the street while Troy held him, close and comforting.

  Anyone else might have been awkward and unsure how to respond, or shoved him in the car so he wasn’t having his meltdown in such a public place, even if there hadn’t been anyone else on the darkened street.

  But Troy had selflessly supported him, given him time, stood there and held fast like an anchor in rough seas.

  “I’m sure this isn’t what you signed on for.” He sniffled, taking a deeper breath and trying to get ahold of his wayward emotions.

  Troy’s hands were traveling in languid stokes up and down his back, soothing and stimulating at the same time. The consuming rhythm of it made him feel more sensitive, as if he was highly attuned to every square inch of the warm, work-roughened skin of Troy’s palms and fingers.

  “Being in bed with an almost naked firefighter I find incredibly sexy?” Troy’s low voice rumbled through his chest against Jared’s cheek, sending a shiver skittering through him. “No, not what I signed on for at all. But I guess I’ll find some way to put up with it.”

  A small laugh bubbled up, despite how low he’d gotten earlier. How had he been so lucky to find Troy? He was so incredible, everything he could have dreamed up in the ideal boyfriend. Part of him was almost waiting for something to go wrong. It all seemed too good to be true.

  He lifted his head and shifted his arm to lay across Troy’s chest, then propped his chin on the back of his hand so he could see Troy looking at him, brown eyes warm and intimate in the low light cast by the twin bedside lamps.

  “Thank you,” he murmured quietly, afraid of breaking the hushed spell that’d fallen over them.

  Troy’s hand slid up his spine and into his hair, stroking gently. “You don’t need to thank me for common human decency, Jared. I care about you. When you hurt, it hurts me.” He found himself rolled until he was on his back and Troy was looming over him, gaze now burning with intensity. “I hate him for making you feel like that. I wanted to fucking kill him for everything he did to you.”

  “But you don’t even know what he did to me.” He swallowed, words clamoring inside him, both wanting to escape and bury themselves deeper within him at the same time.

  “It doesn’t matter what he did. If it upset you, if it hurt you, then that’s all I need to know. He deserves whatever misery he’s living in now. And more.”

  “We were together for a couple of years.” The words spilled out of him, and suddenly he needed to get it all out. Like it was acid burning him inside and the only way to stop it was to tell Troy everything.

  “You don’t have to talk about it. You don’t owe me anything.”

  He reached up and cupped Troy’s face. “I owe you everything.”

  Troy gave a tight nod and shifted back, letting him sit up and lean against the headboard.

  “He wasn’t out,” he said, deciding it was the best place to start. “I met him at a bar one night when I was out with my friends—just a regular bar. I thought he was so hot, and he clearly couldn’t keep his eyes off me, even though he was there with a woman. I went to the bathroom and he followed me. I knew who he was—he was at the height of his career, and I couldn’t believe it when he shoved me into a stall and started kissing the hell out of me. I thought it was the hottest thing that’d ever happened to me. He told me the woman he was with that night was his sister. Of course I found out a few weeks later it’d actually been his girlfriend when he very publicly dumped her and it ended up all over social media. It makes me a terrible person, but I kind of didn’t care. He’d started texting and calling me endlessly and spent the night at my apartment a few times.”

  “Guys like that, they know what they’re doing. You’re not a terrible person.” Troy reached down and linked their fingers. The physical contact immediately settled him. “You certainly weren’t the first or last person to get taken in by an asshole.”

  He nodded, taking a short breath. “He didn’t want to be out. Said he needed to stay in the closet because of his career. I was stupid for him, so I agreed. He kept me at home while he publicly dated a string of women, all the while telling me it was just a cover for his career. I didn’t notice at first, the way he was wearing me down, picking about the smallest things—he didn’t like how I’d cooked a meal or chosen a bottle of wine, or if I wasn’t perfectly, giddily happy when he came over. It progressed to what I was wearing and who I was spending time with. He was insanely jealous. One night I went out to a gay club with some friends and someone posted pictures of me on Instagram dancing with this oth
er guy. Nothing happened, but when Kevin found out, he lost his shit and wouldn’t believe me. To this day, I’m sure he still believes I cheated on him that night.”

  He swallowed, chest getting tight at the memory of how bad Kevin had made him feel for months after that. Constantly holding it against him and chipping away at his self-worth.

  “After that, the verbal abuse started. Telling me I was stupid and useless and would never be anything without him. At that point I believed him. I was such an idiot.”

  “Not an idiot,” Troy interrupted fiercely, anger glittering in his gaze. But it didn’t scare him. Not like it had in the truck earlier when he’d flinched away from Troy’s touch. He knew the rage wasn’t directed at him. “You were manipulated and mistreated. None of it was your fault.”

  “He didn’t completely break me, though.” He needed Troy to know that. To know he hadn’t totally lost himself in that horrible situation. “The first time he hit me, I knew that was it. I had to get out. It wasn’t ever going to get better; it was only going to get worse.”

  “What happened?” Troy asked with reluctance in his voice, clearly guessing they hadn’t reached the worst part of the story yet.

  “He was in a volatile mood when he came home that night, and I tiptoed around him as best I could. But it was like he was looking for any excuse he could pounce on. He came up behind me and startled me. I dropped the glass of red wine I was holding and it splashed the bottom of his pants when the glass broke. I turned around to apologize but didn’t even get a word out before he backhanded me. Of course, later he was all apologies and promises it wouldn’t ever happen again. But I knew it was bullshit. It was bad enough that he made me feel like crap. Hitting me was like the wake-up I needed.”

  Troy made a distressed noise and traced light fingers over his face, as if the injury had only just occurred, not happened years ago.

  “Even though it was my apartment, I planned to take whatever I could carry and just leave the next morning to disappear. I texted Del once Kevin fell asleep, not with any details, just that I needed his help with something in the morning and to come over. I think that text message saved my life.”

  “What do you mean?” Troy whispered, features pale now as he searched his face like that alone would provide the answers.

  “Kevin obviously guessed something was up. Whether I gave myself away or he just knew he’d crossed a line, I don’t know. I tried to play it cool, but after breakfast, he suddenly started trying to seduce me. I went along with it, figuring if I got him off, he’d be happy and leave quicker. He took me to my bedroom and stripped me naked, then pushed me down on the bed. Next thing I knew, he’d handcuffed me to the headboard.”

  “That fucker!” Troy’s hand was squeezing his so tight, it was bordering on painful.

  “He calmly stood up and then got some ties from my closet to tie my feet. He told me he was going out for a bit, and when he came back, he was going to take care of everything.”

  “Jared—” Troy closed his eyes, features twisted like he was in physical pain.

  “Luckily Del turned up not long after Kevin left. I was so fucking terrified, I couldn’t even be humiliated about my brother finding me tied naked to the bed. Part of me doesn’t want to believe it, but something deep down tells me if Del hadn’t arrived that morning, Kevin would have killed me to keep his secrets.”

  “Did you report him?” Troy asked, but from the tone of his voice, he’d probably already guessed the answer.

  “I know I should have, but it was his word against mine. And I just wanted to forget the whole thing. Wanted to get away and start fresh. Del’s a Texas Ranger, so he helped me lay low for a few months. When the job came up with Everness Fire Department, moving out of Houston to the slower pace of life in a small town seemed like salvation.”

  A small smile slipped over Troy’s lips. “I’m very glad you made that choice.”

  “So am I.” He took in a deep breath, chest loosening in a way it hadn’t for a long time.

  “You said something earlier about Del and a restraining order.”

  He gave a quick nod. “Kevin turned up at my house a few nights ago. Del threatened him with a restraining order—among other more violent things.”

  “Obviously Kevin is not suffering an excess of intelligence if he stayed in town and still tried to talk to you after that.”

  “He doesn’t like being told no. He gets very single-minded about things and won’t give up.”

  “Then maybe you need to consider Del’s offer.” Troy reached out and gathered him close, arms wrapping around him in a way that was quickly becoming familiar. “Will I sound like a possessive jerk if I don’t want you going anywhere alone for the next few days?”

  “Yeah, but it makes you a romantic possessive jerk,” he teased.

  A lassitude spread through his body as he leaned against Troy, drinking in his warmth and strength, feeling completely unburdened for the first time since he’d met Kevin and unknowingly put himself on a very dark path.

  “It makes me your possessive jerk,” Troy murmured, sending a pulse of surprise and pleasure rippling through his body. He pulled back so he could see Troy’s face.

  “What?” No doubt he sounded all kinds of stupid, but his brain had hiccupped and was having trouble making sense of anything.

  “I’m yours, Jared. Completely yours. If you’ll have me.”

  “Fuck, yes.” The adamant reply burst out of him on an astounded exhale.

  Troy started to laugh, but the sound was cut off when Jared launched himself at him, desperately sealing their mouths together, never needing to kiss another person as much as he needed to kiss Troy in that moment.

  Troy groaned and dragged him closer until Jared was straddling his lap. He could feel Troy’s erection swiftly hardening through the thin material of his underwear. His own dick had leaped to attention the second their lips touched.

  After the dam breaking on his repressed emotions, and then confessing everything to Troy, he was raw and vulnerable in a way he’d never felt before. But it didn’t scare him because he trusted Troy. Even those words didn’t convey the depth of assurance he felt in knowing Troy wouldn’t ever use his weaknesses against him.

  He sank into Troy’s embrace, giving everything of himself over, even if Troy wasn’t aware of it.

  Troy tipped him back onto the bed but broke the kiss and knelt to draw off his T-shirt and fling it aside. Jared almost swallowed his tongue as he took in the sight of Troy kneeling above him, broad shouldered with muscles standing out in shadow and relief from the dim lamplight, his gaze burning with unadulterated need.

  He reached out reverently, lightly touching the middle of Troy’s chest, enjoying the way Troy’s breathing hitched at the slight contact. He trailed his fingers down, watching how his muscles contracted and rippled in wake of his touch.

  When he got to the elastic of his underwear, Troy pushed his hips forward in blatant invitation. Jared shoved the material down, and when he wrapped his hand around the thick, heated length of Troy’s erection, Troy let his head drop back on a long, low groan.

  God. He couldn’t ever remember seeing anything more erotic than Troy with his trunks pushed down around the tops of his thighs, body strung tight and hips rolling in time with the slow stroke of his hand. It sent a wildfire of frantic need erupting through him until it felt like he was going to burst out of his own skin.

  “God, Troy. I need you so badly.”

  Troy opened his eyes and regarded him with a look that somehow managed to be lazy but instill an intensity that left him shuddering.

  “I already told you, Jared, I’m all yours.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  TROY DROPPED down to kiss Jared, who was practically trembling and frantic beneath him. Given time to think about it, he probably would have worried himself into second-guessing every move he made now he was in a bed and they weren’t rushing through a quick and desperate few minutes they’d stolen for themse
lves.

  Except being here like this with Jared felt natural, as simple as breathing. He didn’t need to wonder if he was really doing this with another man, didn’t need to worry whether he was doing the right thing or if Jared would find him too inexperienced. All he needed to do was feel to know this was right down to his very soul, in a way nothing else ever had been in his life.

  He slid his hands down and skimmed Jared’s boxer briefs off without breaking the kiss and then wiggled out of his own underwear. When he lowered his weight fully onto Jared and their cocks rubbed together, Jared breathed out, “Fuck yes,” against his lips, sending a shudder tripping down his spine.

  Stretching across the bed, he yanked open the drawer in the bedside table and groped for the packet of condoms and lube he’d impulse purchased the day after their first kiss, while Jared did his best to distract him by wrapping his long legs around his waist and thrusting up into him.

  When he finally got his hands on what he needed, he sat back, pausing when some unreadable expression passed over Jared’s face.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Jared snapped his gaze up from where he’d been staring at the condom. “Nothing. It’s crazy. Don’t worry about it.”

  “I’m sure it’s not crazy.” He cupped Jared’s cheek and leaned in to drop a kiss on his nose. “So tell me already.”

  Jared’s brow creased, and for a second, he really thought Jared was going to stay stubbornly silent. But then he squeezed his eyes closed for a second, as if gathering his courage before focusing on Troy again.

  “I want—I wanted nothing between us.”

  It took a moment for the meaning behind the words to sink in, in which time Jared started blushing and cursing under his breath.

  “You want me to go bare?” It was possible his voice cracked a little over the last word, but he was just going to pretend like that hadn’t happened.