She had dark circles under her eyes but she was smiling and her eyes were clear. That was the real difference. Her eyes. They looked at me, not through me. The lady stopped in front of us. I barely spared her a glance.
“Avery, your mom has thirty minutes until her next group session so I’ll be back to get her but you two enjoy.”
“Thanks,” I said.
If you asked me later I wouldn’t even be able to describe the woman.
“Mom?”
She pulled me in and hugged me. I stood there, stiff for a moment but folded my arms around her and clung to her thin frame. “You look good,” I whispered.
She really was trying. We stayed like that, embracing for a long time but I remembered Olivia standing behind me and I pulled back.
“Mom, I need to introduce you to Olivia,” I turned, grabbing Olivia’s hand. “This is my mom.” I turned back. “Mom this is my girlfriend, Olivia.” I said Olivia’s name twice because I wanted my mom to instantly remember it.
Mom blinked at the term but a smile slid onto her face. She didn’t care. I knew she wouldn’t. “It’s nice to meet you Olivia.”
"It's nice to meet you too," Olivia said, taking my mother’s hand and holding it in both of her own. "Avery's told me so much about you. I hope it's not strange that I came."
“No, no,” Mom said, waving a hand to dismiss the notion. “If there’s someone significant in Avery’s life I want to meet them. It’s about time.”
I wanted to point out that she wouldn’t know if there was anyone in my life anyway but my issues weren’t going to help the situation so I kept quiet.
“How did you meet?” Mom sat down in the chair opposite the loveseat and I settled back in my own seat.
“Um, Olivia interviewed me for the yearbook and we hit it off.”
No need to go into detail. It wasn’t why we were here.
“But how are you doing Mom? Is everything going okay?”
She nodded a little but her smile faded. “I won’t pretend it isn’t hard but it gets easier every day. The first three days were the worst but once I was detoxed I felt better and the people here are great. I’m getting excellent treatment. I have no complaints other than I’m sorry that it took so long for me to get here.”
She stopped. Silence filled the spaces around us until the fire sparked and crackled and I woke up from taking in her words. “That’s great.” I wanted to hug her again but I didn’t. Out of habit I stayed where I was.
“But tell me more about you. I see you’ve been doing well, Avery. You look good. And Olivia, tell me about yourself. I have to make sure you pass the mom test.” She tried an awkward wink in Olivia’s direction.
It was a little over the top but I appreciated where it was coming from.
"Uh-oh," Olivia shifted nervously, more for show than anything else. "What's the mom test?”
“Oh, nothing to worry about.” Mom crossed her legs and sat back. I looked back and forth between them. This was weird. She was cracking jokes and trying to be normal or was she just actually being normal. I didn’t know anymore.
“Mom! Really? Are you going to grill her or something?” I shook my head and laughed. “Believe me, Olivia is way too good for me. You don’t even need to worry.”
Mom straightened up and wiggled in her seat. “I see. Still. Tell me a few things. What do your parents do?”
“Oh,” Olivia said. “Alright, well, my mother’s the Supreme Presiding Judge for the Juvenile Division of our county. She’s pretty much in charge of what happens to all the troubled delinquents in our county. It’s mostly crime cases, mostly advanced and highly-contested cases, obviously.”
“Obviously,” my mom teased, giving me a certain, is she really serious, look. Olivia didn’t seem to notice. I think she was nervous. With Olivia it was hard to say.
“And my father owns a company that specializes in bio-engineering. BioGenics Inc.” Olivia paused and allowed her eyes to look up and see my mother’s.
“So, Olivia is an overachiever and at the top of our class. She’s going to be Valedictorian.” I felt like I was trying to sell her mind as a reason she was right for me. “But she’s also an amazing person.” Now, I was just babbling but I couldn’t stop. “We’re going to get married someday.”
My mom’s eyes widened and her eyebrows raised. I’d turned the ring around on my hand before we got here but I flipped it, using my fingers. It wouldn’t matter. Hiding it was no use.
She noticed the movement and gasped. “Is that?”
I let out a giggle. “Um, yeah.”
She grabbed my hand and looked at the ring. “This is beautiful.” Mom was staring at it like it was a puzzle piece.
“How did I miss so much?” A shadow came over her face and she dropped my hand back.
“I-I’m in love with your daughter Mrs. Lockhart,” Olivia said shakily, tears springing to her eyes immediately but just hovering there inside of them as she touched her hand to my mother's and waited for her to look up.
“It’s okay, Mom.” If Olivia cried I was going to have trouble not crying. “You’re trying and we’ll get there.” With her I was more forgiving. She had at least stuck around.
I was forever swallowing my anger about her breakdown but I could do it again if it meant that she would get better.
“I can tell,” Mom said, looking at Olivia. “Just by seeing you together.” She smiled, sad and kind, feeling the repercussions of her mental absence. “I suppose your father doesn’t approve.”
I coughed out a laugh. “He flipped! But then he calmed down. He’s still not happy about it and he doesn’t know that we want to get married.” I reached out and touched her arm, trying to get her to focus on me. “I was hoping that you could talk to him.”
She gave a one shouldered shrug and tilted her head to the side. “I can try.” She patted my hand and left hers on top of mine. “It might take him awhile but I think he’ll come around.”
There was some discomfort evident in her eyes. “Avery, I hope you girls are not jumping into something soon.”
“Mom, it’s not like we’re getting married tomorrow or anything. We haven’t even talked about when or where or anything. We just know we want to at some point. Don’t worry, okay? You just focus on getting better and I won’t go off and get married without you being there.”
She smiled a little. “Okay, I just have to make sure.”
“I haven’t even told my parents yet,” Olivia shifted awkwardly. “I don’t know how they’re going to take it.”
“They don’t know about Olivia.” I took her hand. “Or me.”
“But you’re going to tell them?” My mother asked.
I looked to Olivia. Answering for her seemed wrong.
“Of course I’m going to tell them,” I could practically see Olivia’s heart dropping in her chest. She seemed personally victimized by that question. “I’m sorry,” Olivia said, popping up slowly to stand. In the process she’d completely dropped my hand. “I think I need to get some air.” She looked upset. She was holding her hand over her stomach like she might be sick.
She turned from us and walked away. I started to get up but she held out a hand. “You-”
“I’ll be okay,” she answered. “Stay, please, I’ll just be outside.”
I watched her go still worried.
“Did I say something wrong?” Mom asked.
“No,” I turned back to her slowly. “Her parents are just not going to take it well is all. She’s worried about it but she’s going to tell them. They have certain ideas for her.”
“So, they try to control her?”
“Yeah, you could say that but we’ll be okay. I’m sure.” I didn’t want to talk about Olivia’s parents. “Mom, you’re really doing okay though? You’re going to make it?”
“Honey, it’s hard. I’m not going to lie. They tell us about the chances of relapse but I’m going to do my best. When I leave here I’m going into the outpatient program. Just
trying to give myself every opportunity to stay sober.”
“I just wanted to ask. You can do it. And I’ll come to see you whenever.”
Just like that our thirty minutes were up because the woman came back, standing beside the chair my mom was sitting in and giving us an apologetic smile.
“Time for group.”
“Okay, Avery, give me a hug and I’ll see you soon.”
I jumped up, letting myself be pulled into her, willing myself to keep my cool. It was strange to say goodbye like this. I felt like I wasn’t going to see her again even though I could come back next week. “I love you Mom,” I whispered.
“Oh, baby, I love you too,” she replied. “I’ll be home soon, I promise.” She drew back and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry,” she added.
As soon as she let go of me I turned away. I tried to breathe and swallow back my reactions. It was harder than I thought it would be to leave but I needed to get out of there. Olivia was waiting and I couldn’t dwell.
The woman was still out front and she gave me a chipper wave as I passed by, one I returned reluctantly. Outside, Olivia leaned against the car. She’d pulled it around in the drive. She stood up straight when I came out and opened the door for me.
I got in, just wanting to get going. She hopped in the other side and started the car up, driving us back the way we came.
“You okay?” She seemed to have regained her composure but I needed to check.
Her lips twitched but she didn’t speak.
I noticed almost immediately that she was driving a lot faster than she usually drove.
“I’m fine,” she lied. “What about you?”
I just let it pass. I’d learned that sometimes she just needed to stew. “I’m better than I was before we came.” I reached over and ran my hand along the side of her face and down to her shoulder. Her foot eased up on the gas and I could tell I was helping. “She seems like she’s really going to get better.”
“What should we do with the rest of our day?” I asked. We had a long time but I knew ten would come too soon. “Should we have an actual date night.” I grinned at her profile. “I do have a curfew and all. I feel like a real high school kid for once.”
She laughed, her mouth closed all the while. “What am I gonna do with you?” She asked, looking over at me, shaking her head, and giving me a crooked smile.
“I have a list of things you can do with me and I’ll be happy to provide it. Though, I should warn you that it’s not a PG rated list.” I winked at her and splayed my fingers over her upper arm. “If you know what I mean.”
“I know what you mean but I’ll take that list all the same.”
“Yes ma’am,” I teased. “I’ll have it on your desk by the close of business… Or something.”
“Mmhmm, right,” she teased.
“You don’t believe me?” I tsked her and turned to look out the windshield. I felt a lot lighter, knowing Mom was okay and that she supported me. Olivia’s gender hadn’t even come up. Only questions about us moving too fast. Those were to be expected. We were engaged high schoolers. Even I had to laugh at that when I stepped back. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t a thousand percent committed and in love.
“You didn’t answer my question.” As was her habit. It was the one thing that drove me a little crazy.
“Which?” She asked.
“What do you want to do?”
“Oh,” she said thinking. “I don’t really know… What do you want to do?”
My instinct was to be a smart ass but I bit my tongue, literally but not hard. “Well, we could go to the beach and just hang out.” I suggested. “Or we could go shopping. I still have a PacSun gift card from Christmas.”
“The beach sounds nice,” she said.
“Okay, done, let’s go to the beach.” I hadn’t been in awhile. Not since Christmas break. Maybe it would cheer Olivia up.
“Shit,” she said.
“What?” I sat up and looked around.
“Look,” she laughed, looking down at herself. “You’d want to go in the water right?”
“No, we don't have to. I know we’re not exactly dressed for it. Maybe we just go look or something. When are your parents coming home?”
Olivia laughed and smiled to herself before nodding her head. “I couldn’t tell you,” she said. “Usually if they’re going out on the weekends they’re gone for hours. Sometimes they stay in hotels. Usually they’re talking to very important people about very important things. Things that don’t concern me. They only stay home when my mom has a really tough case to prepare for. Which as you can imagine, is so much fun for me.”
I felt the car turn down a main road that I knew went in the direction of the water.
“Typical,” I leaned over, laying my head on her shoulder while she drove. “I just wondered. You mentioned water and I thought of your pool.”
“I don’t mind you being at my house Avery,” Olivia said. “The only reason I hid you last night was because I knew my parents would not approve of you staying the night in my room no matter what we were to each other. I never have people over.”
“Oh, well then after we go to the beach we should go to your house so I can take advantage of your insanely awesome pool and if your parents come home you can just tell them that we’re gal pals.”
I cringed, not knowing if a joke would land well right now. Assuming the crash position, I sunk into myself a little.
Olivia let out a pained sigh. “I’m not ashamed of you Avery,” she said sadly.
“I know you’re not.” I leaned over. “Hey, I really do. I was kidding. I didn’t mean anything by it. I know it’s a hard place to be in but I know you love me and that you’re proud to be with me. You’ve never left me in doubt there.”
“You’re a lot stronger than me, okay? A lot braver,” her voice shook. “I know, okay? I see that. But this is hard for me. It is. And I wish it wasn’t ‘cause I really feel like shit right now.”
“Don’t!” I shook her arm a little. “You’re not shit and I’m not braver than you are. I just had a lot less to lose with my parents. I didn’t really care what my dad thought and I knew my mom would be fine with it. Don't feel like you’re less than in any way because this is hard for you. Remember how brave you really are. I was a coward when we first started seeing each other. You’re the one that gave me strength.”
I wanted her to know that she shouldn’t feel bad for not just telling her parents. I didn’t blame her. It wasn’t going to go well. We both knew it and I’d be scared if I were her.
“You need to do this in your own time and in your own way. Our situations were different. We are different but I’m going to be here every step. You’re not al-”
“Shhhhh,” she said, trying to stop me from speaking.
“Bu-”
“Avery please,” she said, her voice cracking. “I know you don’t mean to but you’re just making me feel worse.”
I didn’t say anything more, just looked at her, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I wanted to ask what I could do but I didn’t want to make her feel double worse. I sucked. I kept opening my mouth to say something and closing it. My instincts were to argue with her and tell her she was the best but maybe that’s not what she wanted.
I just made it worse. The thought sank in and I leaned back, sinking into the car seat and keeping my mouth shut. I wouldn’t trouble her any further. I had to be good. I sucked my lip between my teeth and chewed it, distracting myself.
My little high from the visit had vanished and now I just wanted to hang onto any equilibrium I could until I had to go home. Relationships were hard. Especially, ones with two strong-willed people. We were definitely that.
Chapter Twelve
Olivia
Driving her in my car was hard when I was upset. I was taking the turns and keeping a steady speed but every millisecond felt a small painful eternity. Every breath from my lips seemed rude and obnoxious.
Avery s
at beside me, beside herself, since I’d asked her to please not talk.
It wasn’t her fault.
This wasn’t her fault.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “This isn’t you Avery. This is me. You have to know that.”
I didn’t like feeling like my parents. The feeling that I couldn’t take normal things like words.
“Yeah, I know,” she said. It seemed like she wanted to say more but she didn’t.
I tightened my grip on the wheel at eight and four, pushing harder on the gas as I turned to go left down the coast.
“When your Mom asked me that I actually felt like stabbing myself in the chest,” I breathed out. I didn’t like keeping these secrets from her. These secrets burned inside of me, they burned me alive.
As soon as we neared the coast the cloud-cover intensified. I hadn’t planned on it not being sunny by the beach. My parents must’ve been having a shit time out on the water today.
“What do you mean? Why?” She didn’t freak out. Her voice was level but it wavered a little.
“I should’ve told my parents last night,” I said, my heart hurting.
“If it wasn’t the right time then it wasn’t,” Avery tried. “I know you’ll feel better when you do but you don’t need to blame yourself for not telling them. They’ll be plenty of time.”
“I proposed to you,” I reminded. “I got down on my knees and proposed to you.” I was so angry all of a sudden, so upset with myself.
The look in her mom’s eyes when she asked… It was pure skepticism. And of course? Why wouldn’t I tell them?! Why didn’t I tell them?!
I put my hand over my stomach and felt ill.
I couldn’t wait anymore, I pulled the car over to the side of the road and parked it, throwing myself out of the vehicle and allowing myself to purge the contents of my stomach. Soft pouring liquid sounds registered vaguely as my eyes closed and I heard the pat pat of vomit on dirt.
Tears quickly followed but I hated them.
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