I was sick of crying in front of her.
Sick of being the one who was always weak.
In all my emotional turmoil, I faintly heard Avery as she got out of the car, and ran around to try and help me. Her hands went to my hair pulling it back to keep it from getting sick in it.
“You’re okay,” she soothed, rubbing my back.
I stumbled to the side and caught myself on another car.
This wasn’t okay. This was bullshit.
“Hey,” she said.
Her arm went around me and she pulled my body to hers to steady me.
I turned in her arms, so easily controlled.
“Why am I like this?!” I cried in frustration.
“Because your parents have tried to strangle your free will out of you since you were little and it turned you inside out and now you’re going to actively go against them and it’s giving you a lot of gross feelings.”
She was talking fast, almost too fast, but she paused and I heard her take a deep breath. “Just my theory,” she mumbled.
Beside myself, I started to laugh.
“Was I right?” She was teasing me.
I couldn’t stop myself laughing. Her body felt so good against mine. “No,” I said, calming into her. “You’re never right... About anything. I just wish you’d stay quiet.”
I laughed, taking her hand with my pinky and holding it behind her back so that she’d hug me more. “God, I’m an idiot,” I sighed against her, finally feeling okay.
“Hey! Sometimes I’m right.”
“You’re usually right Avery,” I grumbled.
I let go of her hand and held at her sides with open palms, fingers gripping her skin beneath her shirt. Just breathing her in calmed me down.
“Well,” I sighed. “There’s the stupid beach.”
I rubbed my eyes onto her shirt and looked over at the beauty of it, feeling bitter. The smell of the ocean had already invaded me thoroughly.
My parents were out on that water somewhere and here I was freaking out about something they may not even care about. The whole thing seemed absurd.
“Yep, there’s the stupid beach. It’s stupid pretty.”
“You’re stupid pretty,” I combatted.
I felt gross though. I’d just thrown up all over the ground. I wasn’t fit to even be talking to her, let alone flirting. My stomach hurt.
“You forgot the and in between stupid and pretty.” She squeezed me. “You’re not so bad yourself for being model caliber pretty.”
“Model wreck,” I scoffed. “Nat’s a model… Did I ever tell you about that?”
“Hey, from what I understand, throwing up isn’t too uncommon for some models and no you didn’t. That’s, uh… Well… What does she look like?”
“Well, a model,” I chuckled after pretending to actually think about describing Nat. Of course Natalie was beautiful. I’m not sure Avery knew this yet but I was pretty fucking shallow. I don’t think I could even be into someone romantically who wasn’t a drop-dead knock-out. But how to say that to Avery? Yeah… Probably shouldn’t.
“That’s not an answer,” she laughed.
“Well, that’s kind of weird, isn’t it?” I wondered. “How am I supposed to describe the girl I let fuck me before you?”
“Well, is she hotter than me?” Avery coughed. “Don’t answer that. It’s a stupid question.”
“Avery?!” I scoffed. “No.” I wanted to scream it actually. “No.” Instead, I just said it twice for good measure.
“I kind of think you’re biased but I’ll accept that answer and log it into the archive of things that make me feel like less of a troll.”
“Do you really feel like a troll?” The smile on my face was getting ridiculous.
Avery was so blind to such obvious things. Her blindness to her own adorable ways and her own flawless appearance elevated my attraction to her, made me so much more likely to grovel and swoon at her feet.
“Well, that’s a strong word. I know I’m not a troll, because people seem interested in me, but I don’t think much beyond that.”
“Okay, ya know what,” I scoffed. “You ARE crazy stupid.” I leaned back just to look at her. Everything was so…
Mmm...
“Finally! She agrees.” Avery looked around like we had an audience. “You see that ladies and gents, Olivia has come to the realization that I am as crazy stupid as I say I am.” She cleared her throat and looked back at me. “Also, I’m a giant, weird, dork.”
“Look,” I said, pulling at her clothes to get her to calm. “I’m just sayin’,” I said, looking up at her eyes and shaking my head lovingly. “I don’t think I would’ve been so quick to commit myself if you weren’t the most beautiful person I’d ever laid eyes on.”
“Have you had your eyes checked lately?” She waved her hand in front of my face and then stopped it, holding up four fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up?” She laughed and put her hand down. “But seriously, thank you, I still say you’re crazy but I love that you think I’m hot.”
“You’re more than hot,” I said, stilling myself and turning my eyes back to rest on her skin.
The breeze from the sea was blowing into us.
“I’m taking you home,” I said. It was too cold for the beach.
We got back into the car. Since I’d already blown up internally, driving back wasn’t all uncomfortable and intense. Avery wasn’t mad at me, that I knew of, but I couldn’t help feeling like I was always freaking out on her and making things hard.
At home, things were the same as we’d left them. I counted the things I should fix before my parents came home: guitar, dishes, counter, bathroom, key guard.
There was probably more...
“You should go get a suit,” I said, pushing at Avery’s side and pinching just a bit.
If I cleaned up now I wouldn’t be plagued by my small disasters all day.
“In the closet?”
I laughed. “Yes, in the closet.”
“Hey, I didn’t know if you had one of those fancy pool houses?” She laughed. “What are you gonna do?”
“We have a deck room but it isn’t filled with random bathing suits of mine. That would just be weird,” I said, examining her. “Why would I keep my bathing suits in some other room when I live here?” I ignored her second comment, hoping she would just forget that she asked.
“Fair enough, I’ll bring you one too.”
She was too sweet and good at recognizing my shit.
“I’m just going to fix up a little bit,” I said, giving her something. I just didn’t want it to be weird. I didn’t want her to think she should help or think I was being crazy.
None of it should matter but I didn’t like leaving openings for scrutiny. That just wasn’t something I usually did.
My family had a maid a lot of the time but on the weekends she was always off unless requested and even on the weekdays I didn’t like to chance making things weird between my parents and I. If I made a mess I usually cleaned it up right away.
Avery had sort of upended me this morning. I was too obsessed with her to worry. And that was probably a good thing before but right now it gave me tremors.
Avery eyed me for a second and then nodded. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I said, calming instantly. So often today, I’d been clutching my stomach. Just now I did it again but it wasn’t because I felt sick, quite the opposite really.
Avery really floored me sometimes.
It was like she could read me.
She turned to hurry up the stairs. I felt my smile twitch as I went to the music room and put things back the way I wanted them.
I walked carefully, dragging the tops of my naked feet on the carpet and feeling the familiar burn.
“Guitar,” I said aloud as I put it up on its hook.
I walked to the piano and led my hand down to close the lid. Then I walked around to the bench and tucked it under. “
Piano,” I said.
The relief was hitting me one movement at a time.
I looked to the couch for any hint of crumbs or a dent. I fluffed the pillows and let my hand smooth over the seat of the fabric.
The coffee table looked untouched.
I straightened to a stand and walked out to the kitchen.
I’d already cleaned the dishes but I hadn’t put them all away.
It was so quiet at home. Odd to think that Avery was here with me. Even now.
I smiled while I tucked the dishes into the dishwasher and dried the space around the sink.
Out of habit I popped the fridge open and took a cold drink out just to relax myself. I opened the fizzy fruit seltzer and drank a bit of bubbly down before hovering and realizing a bit of time had actually passed.
Avery was still upstairs. I thought she’d be quicker than this but then I remembered how daunted she was by my closet in the morning. She couldn’t even pick something to wear.
There was no question, she probably needed my help. I left the kitchen and made my way up to assist. Last thing on my list was the small bit of clothing I’d left in the bathroom. I fetched them first and then went into my room to find her.
“Avery?” I called, swinging into the room carefully to worn of my presence. I know I’d seen her naked a lot but that didn’t mean I felt like I could just always see her naked without at least asking first.
When she didn’t answer me, I went into the closet. She was standing next to an open drawer and looking down at something. I dropped the clothes to get rid of them.
“Avery?”
“What is this?” She asked, showing me a photo. “Obviously, I know what it is but why?”
“What?” I moved forward and took it from her to see. I had a lot of photos around my room. Photography was both a passion and an obsession of mine. I couldn’t be sure what she was looking at. For a second I thought it was the lifeguard photo of her but then I remembered that I had put that somewhere else. Plus, why would she be upset about that?
As I moved the photo toward myself, and registered from whence it came, my heart jumped.
This wasn’t good.
“Shit,” I said. “I-I completely forgot I had that,” I lied, taking it slowly out of her hands. This was the last thing I’d want her to see.
“You forgot about it?” She pinned me in a critical gaze.
“Well?” I said, my voice raising as my eyes traveled down her face and then back up. I was in trouble. “I sort of forgot,” I said meekly. Avery was fucking hot when she was mad. I remembered thinking that days ago.
She let out a bitter laugh. “So, you’re going to marry me but you sort of forgot about having pretty pornographic pictures of your ex in your closet. A closet that you sent me into no less than three times in the last two days?”
“Avery! I didn’t put it there for you to find! I haven’t even had a single night alone in my room. When was I supposed to purge my life of Avery-sensitive things?” I smiled since it was awkward and the photo was a bomb but I shouldn’t have found it SO amusing the way she was reacting right now. I brought my hand to my lips and covered them so that maybe Avery wouldn’t see. I liked her jealousy too much.
She took a deep breath, handing me the photo and leaving the closet. She hadn’t even found the bathing suits.
“Shit,” I cursed under my breath. I pulled open THE RIGHT DRAWER and pulled a couple suits out and followed her. “Avery?!” I called. It was hard not to be angry back. This was irrational of her, right? I didn’t have time. When was I supposed to have time?!
She was sitting on my bed. Not doing anything but looking up at me. She was so still. So unlike Avery. Then she shrugged. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad. You’re right. You haven’t had time to get rid of stuff.” Her voice was tight like she really still was mad. Her lips settled into a thin line.
“Babe,” I said, holding my hands up. “I get why you’re upset,” I smiled awkwardly, going over to her and standing in front of her. It somehow wasn’t quite funny anymore. “And you’re right,” I said. “I should’ve made an effort to protect you. I’m just not used to us having secrets. I thought I’d told you everything but apparently there’s a lot I forgot.” I held my elbow with my hand and watched her, looking down. I didn’t know what she was thinking at all.
That picture was definitely racy. Nat had gotten it taken for me as a sort of birthday present. It was hot.
Avery didn’t say anything, silence again. She met my eyes and stood up, approaching me, kissing me, owning me with her mouth.
I stepped back a little, jarred and then taken. Her hands were holding me while she took my love and showed me she wanted me. For a second I let it happen but then I stopped her. “Hey?” I said, trying to get her to see me.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I just freaked a little. And I forgot she was so hot,” she muttered, leaning into me.
“Babe,” I said, leaning into her so our bodies could carefully fight. “I will burn that picture right now if you want me to.”
“Do whatever you want with it… Well not whatever. You know what I mean.”
“Okay… I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t exactly what that picture used to be for but are you kidding? Are you kidding right now? You just look at me and my body aches... Do you have any idea what that feels like?!”
“Actually, I was kidding or I was trying to,” she attempted a small smile. “I am however glad to hear I have that effect on you.” She bowed her back, pressing our bodies together. “What about me in a bikini. What does that do?”
I lifted her hand to my breast and made her feel how just the thought made my nipples hard as glass.
“Are you really questioning this right now? I’d throw myself off a bridge for you Avery and that’s not just because you’re talented and nice. It’s ‘cause you do things to me. I already told you I’m not usually like this. I already told you, you fuck me up.”
“Babe,” she soothed. “I’m not questioning you. I’m trying to flirt with you, which I apparently suck at, so, I’m sorry.” She leaned in and kissed me. “Can we please forget about this and change.” She gave me the puppy face.
“Come ‘ere,” I said, pulling her to follow me to the drawer by my bed. “Sit,” I said, pushing her down and pulling out the drawer.
I took the picture I had of her out of the drawer and handed it to her. I knelt down in front of her and looked up.
“Seriously, it’s cool. Vi,” she looked down at me. “Where did this come from?”
I took her free hand to my lips and slowly ran my tongue over her knuckles. “Ben,” I said.
She shuddered a little and looked at the picture and back to me. “How long have you had this?”
“How long have I known you?” I asked.
“Oh,” she said, a little dreamy now. “Wait, have you-” She looked at me, raising her eyebrows. “With this?”
“Avery,” I laughed, looking into her. “With you I wouldn’t even need that. But yes,” I confessed. “Did you see where that was?”
She giggled and wiggled her eyebrows. “Yeah, I did. And for the record that’s hot. Thinking about you doing that.”
I stood up and sighed, my fingers tugging at the corner of her picture as I slid it out of her hands.
“I don’t think you understand at all what I was feeling when we walked into that hotel room and you told me we were supposed to room together.” I walked around her and crawled up on the bed, laying down on my back and taking her picture up to my face and breathing it in.
“What do you mean?” She asked.
“Think about it,” I said.
What did she think I meant?
I sat her picture down next to me and brought my hands up to my shirt buttons, undoing them one-at-a-time.
“Oh! You mean you were thinking about being in there with me alone at night? Yeah, I can see how that would have been hard.” She watched me, mesmerized by the path my hands were taking.
> “I’d driven all the way there, alone, thinking about how hard it was going to be just to be near you.” I sat up and pulled my shirt off, pushing the zipper on my skirt down and wiggling out of it slyly. “At that point, I had no knowledge that we were even going to stay anywhere near each other. Let alone in the same room. Still...”
I laid back down and looked over at her, sliding my hand down beneath the hem of my underwear and touching myself while I stared over at her body, particularly, the place where her shirt was bunched up accidentally and exposing a small piece of her skin. She blinked slowly, her breath hitching.
“I was scared to be near you,” I said, my eyes rolling to a close as I remembered how I’d felt. I could feel myself already close and that was all to do with jealous Avery and how delicious she was.
“And I was the idiot who thought we could just be friends.” She reached out but stopped herself before her hands got to my body.
“I wanted to be friends,” I breathed shakily and swallowed remembering. “I wanted to be able to be good for you,” I let myself play. “You’d slept in my bed,” I gasped, close now.
I opened my eyes to check on her though I knew it might kill me.
She kept her hands fisted and watched me in rapt silence, looking from my face to where my hand was playing. “And I couldn’t help but want to touch you that whole time,” she spoke. “I was an idiot to think I could be happy not having you.”
“I wanted to be good,” I said, panting now, my forehead scrunching.
“Being good is overrated.” She moved closer. The bed shifted and I felt her hand on me, touching my stomach, running up to my breast and teasing my nipple. “Like right now. I’ve been trying not to touch you but I couldn’t.”
“I want you to touch me,” I reminded again for the four-hundredth time. “I just want you to know that your picture was there and her picture was in the closet. Before I left this house to go to the lodge, your picture was there. When I broke up with her it was because I knew she didn’t do what you did to me. She hadn’t. She couldn’t.”
“I know,” Avery breathed. Her hand slid down to join mine. She passed my fingers and pressed back up into them, helping me along.
Sensation took hold of me. When she did deliberate sexual things I never expected it and it overruled me. “Uhhh-” I gasped-out loudly.
Paper Dolls [Book Two] Page 14