“It’s my demons not yours.” I tried to smile at her. All I wanted was to show her how good I felt running to her and I messed it up by going to that place in my head. I was just trying to forgive myself. “I like that you want me that much but sometimes I think I misread it.”
“What do you mean?” She asked. She closed her eyes and let her head drop really close to mine. I could tell she was breathing me in.
“I feel like I forget what I’m doing. I’m not conscious of it and I just end up doing or saying whatever comes into my head and then when I see you reacting my brain catches up and I think I’m hurting you.”
“You’ve never hurt me,” she whispered, moving to lay on the half of me. I felt her nose on the side of my face, her lips so close to my ear.
“Tell me if I ever do.” I would hate myself if I hurt her. More than I do now. That was just a part of how I’d grown to see everything internally. When I thought of myself in those times I only got negative words like dirty, bad, and horrible. I fought it and being with Olivia helped.
“Do you really think I wouldn't tell you?” She asked. She moved back to find my eyes and stare.
“Sometimes, I worry that you would be quiet because you know what it would do to me.” I looked at her. It was the truth.
“Even if that happened I’d eventually tell you. I can’t keep secrets from you Avery. Believe me.”
“Okay, good.” I sucked in air and let it go a little at a time. “I wish I could show you inside my head but then again I don’t.”
“I want you to play with me,” she whispered. “I was really just begging inside.”
“I’ll remember that next time.” I knew it would be a long time before I tried anything like that again, maybe never. I was okay with her doing it to me but I got too scared doing it to her.
“Will you do it again?” She asked. “I’m calmer now and I wanna see.”
“Wanna see what?”
“I wanna see what you mean… About why…”
“I don’t know if I can. It scared me. But you can do it to me. I know I could take that.”
She let out a sigh. “I didn’t mean to make you scared…”
“I know you didn’t.” I pulled her over me. “You’re too good. I like taking my time with you sometimes to see what happens when it’s drawn out. How intense can it be? If I do this will you bite your lip. That makes me crazy when you do that. It also turns me on like crazy. If you could have felt me when I was teasing you. I was tingling all over.”
“Okay babe, then I need you to do it again, please. I didn’t know what was happening. It’ll be different now that I know.” She rolled off of me and got back where she was.
I saw her wrap the belt from the robe around her wrists and my sex throbbed. I wouldn’t last the whole time. I’d make her touch me before I was done with her. So, I wouldn’t tie her to the bed.
“Please?” She asked seriously, her eyes locking on mine.
I moved toward her, getting on my knees and reaching up to take her hands, making sure to knot the belt tighter this time. “I’m not going to tie you to the bed. If your hands touch me before I tell you then you’ll lose.”
“Okay,” she smiled breathlessly, her eyes flickering.
I bent over the side of the bed and got the feather back, wondering what I could come up with that would make her any crazier than I had before. When I started this time I went to her lips, but I used my fingers, tracing with the lightest of touches. Her scent was still on my skin.
She twitched a little and I pushed her head to the side with mine. I took my tongue to her neck, wetting the tip and drawing it over her skin in tight circles.
Her breath sounded more hollow and I felt her head tilt, a muscle in her neck tugging tight as her head shook with a light shiver.
“Sorry,” she said, her eyes closed and voice thirsty. “That’s really good.”
“Don’t apologize.” I put the end of the feather into my mouth and moved it over her neck in the same pattern at the same speed and then I went down to her shoulder and over to the other side of her neck. My fingers drew light circles around her nipple, barely touching.
She huffed out a hard breath and her body stirred.
“Right now, you’re telling me that it feels good but you want more but you also want to see what happens so you’re telling yourself to calm down. Is that close?”
As I spoke the feather dropped from my mouth to her skin where I picked it up with my hand and ran it between her breasts and down to her center.
“Uh-” she gasped short. “You’re more than close,” she said. “You’re precise.”
I smiled down at her, rewarding her with a ghost of a kiss.
Her head came up to try and keep me but I pulled myself away.
Her eyes rolled and she let out a frustrated sigh.
“You’re rolling your eyes again.” I pushed the feather down along the crease of her thigh and drew it back up the other side. “Every time I give you a little you want everything.”
“I know,” she swallowed. “It’s hard not to want you when I know you want me too.”
“Always. I want you so much right now I’m twitching inside but I know that if I don’t let myself have you it will be so intense when I do.”
I moved between her legs again, stretching them even wider this time but now I breezed my fingers over her thighs all the way to the outside of her legs and back down till my thumbs almost touched her sex.
“Fuck” she said. She’d been tugging on the rope and I caught it.
I kept grazing her in the same pattern, only switching it to the opposite when she seemed to settle down a little. “You might break that belt.”
“I don’t care.”
“Suits me. Easier access.” I grinned up at her and then bent down to make big lazy circles on her stomach with my tongue getting tighter in until I got to her belly button. I stopped touching her thighs for a minute but I drew my tongue down to lightly graze her entire length and then touched her with my fingertips again.
Her body completely tensed and I felt her legs kick at the same time.
I lapped at her in small strokes, barely touching and my hands went up to her breasts, touching her with little pressure.
As soon as I started to lick she started to make sounds that got louder as I went on and then even louder as I touched on her breasts.
I could tell she was struggling with the belt around her wrists and I wondered how long it would take until she pressed my face down. The moment she did I knew I would die. I kept going, switching my angle and going to the outside of her lips and then back, parting her a little at a time and then backing up.
“Avery,” I heard her beg.
“Yes,” I murmured.
“Please,” she begged. “Please.”
“What do you want?”
“I wanna taste you,” she said.
I stopped touching her, rolling off and then moving up the bed, pulling her over to me so she was more centered. I lay on my back and pushed my pants and underwear down and kicked them off and rolled back over to my knees. Then, I straddled her like I had at the hot tub and moved up so that she could taste what touching her had done to me.
I felt her tongue taste me and she gasped and muttered, “You’re so wet.”
She licked at my clit and rolled her eyes back at she let herself suck it.
I stared down at her and noticed how she tugged at her arms even now. She let out a gasp and looked up, her tongue teasing me again.
“That’s what you do to me when I’m touching you and seeing you.”
I swallowed a moan and tried not to pitch over as she licked me again.
“Mmmm,” I felt the vibration as she moaned.
“Much more and I’m going to fall.” I gasped the words and I meant them literally.
“Mmmmmmmmmm,” she hummed longer and louder, still teasing me with her tongue all the while.
My hands went out and caught the head
of the bed and I steadied myself a little, pressing into her face. “Olivia.” I couldn’t say anymore.
Her tongue had pushed hard right into me and I wasn’t expecting it. I froze but she used my position to her advantage and held her breath as she licked and licked.
I felt her hands come loose and both grab around my thighs and pull my body down into her tongue.
The pressure was intense, she’d split my legs just enough to move as far into me as she could possibly go. Strong hands demanding me down.
As a last ditch effort I heard her whimper while she was inside. I came, falling apart around her, no longer conscious of my actions. The next thing I knew she was rolling me over and my eyes blinked open to see her looking down at me, her eyes a little wide. I wanted to ask her why but I just kept blinking.
She started to speak to me. “Avery, answer me.”
“What?”
I was pretty sure I’d said it aloud.
“Avery? Are you okay?” Her hands came up and braced my face gently.
“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled.
She smiled down at me and brushed my skin with her thumbs. “I think I lost you for a second there,” Olivia swallowed shakily, her eyes penetrating and honest.
“What?” I asked. “I’m right here. I think you killed me and then I came back.” I was so hazy and drunk on what Olivia had done to me. “I think I really like it when you do that.”
“Well,” she said, thinking. “That’s good.” Her eyes lazily blinked as she looked back over at me and let her body fall so that she could hold her head up on her fist and keep monitoring me. “‘Cause I really like when you let me do that,” she spoke soft and slow, gazing over at me, still petting me gently. Sometimes she treated me like maybe I was sick and she wanted to take care of me. Running her fingers over my forehead. Keeping her voice low and stress free as she softly smiled.
“I wanna try it next time.” I grinned at her, finally able to focus well.
“Yeah,” she laughed. “I’m not so sure I could survive that quite yet.”
“What do you mean?” I knew sort of what she meant but specifically I wanted to know what I should and shouldn’t do. I just never wanted to cross any lines that she couldn’t handle.
“I’m just really sensitive to you,” she said. “As I said before, with you it doesn’t take much for me.”
“But there’s gotta be something that I haven’t done that you’d like.”
“I never said I wouldn’t like it,” she stared at me confused. “I like everything you do,” she soothed but I could tell she was disgruntled with those words from me.
“I just want to make sure your world is rocked.” I reached my hands up to her face. “Forever.”
“Avery…” She was smiling but confused. Her forehead kept scrunching and unscrunching. “Just seeing you rocks my world. Just hearing your voice. When you touch me at all, I crawl out of my skin. Everything you do to or near me affects me. Everything. Even just breathing. I’m not kidding. You don’t need any special moves or new things. Where is this coming from?”
“The dumb part of my brain.” I smiled, trying to get it past her.
“Do you think I keep doing that because it’s new?”
“I hadn’t really thought about it. It was just new to me and it also was just shamelessly greedy of me because I want to do that to you.”
“Ug. Sweetie… I’ll let you, believe me. But I didn’t do that to be new. I did that because I wanted to taste you. That’s all, okay?”
“Okay, I hear you,” I said.
“I don’t think you do,” she said. “Is that why you did this with the feather?” She laid onto her back and held her stomach. “You’re not… Are you getting bored?”
“Oh my god, no.” I scrambled up, grabbing her by the shoulders. “That is so far off from what I am. You are never boring sex-wise or otherwise. I’m perfectly happy.”
“When you kiss me I get wet, baby… When you whisper.” She shut her eyes and seemed pained.
“Did I make you sad?” I sighed and released her. “You do the same to me. I’m going to have to buy underwear in bulk now.”
“I don’t want to race you or push you. I just want you… That’s all… I’m sorry if it seems some other way. We could really just be kissing. You could really just be holding me and I’d feel this same way. I don’t like thinking what I’m thinking,” she said sadly.
“It doesn’t seem some other way. I promise. It was kind of a dumb question. I just like to check in and make sure we’re all good.”
“Everytime I think you understand me you don’t…” She swallowed shakily. “It’s not your fault… It’s just. Yeah, I do get sad I guess,” she said. “It’d be easier if you knew what I was thinking. Ever since I met you I’ve wanted you to use me. I’ve wanted to be yours. I know that probably sounds strange. And I don’t know why I feel it, why I felt it so strongly. I just always have.”
“Use you how?” I didn’t get that part. The rest of it was true. She was mine and I was hers.
“Any way. Every way. Chauffer. Wife. Slave. Silent stranger. I didn’t care. Don’t- care,” she corrected. “I just wanted you to use me.”
“Can I use you and still respect and appreciate you?”
“That’s the thing,” she said, pursing her lips. “You’ve always respected and appreciated me. Even when we weren’t-” She stopped talking.
“So, you want me to do whatever I want with you?”
I just wanted to understand. All I wanted was for her to be happy and if that is what it took then I could try. Who was I kidding? I could do it but there was a fine line in my mind.
“It sounds bad when you say it like that, but… Yes,” she said. “I’ve loved everything you’ve done with me. Everything. It only makes me want you more. I want you and I trust you. When I tell you that makes me scared I know that it’s the good sort of scared. I’d be more scared if you weren’t touching me, weren’t talking to me, weren’t using me. When I asked you to marry me I was asking you to keep me… As yours.”
I nodded, thinking through everything that she was telling me. Alarm had given way to curiosity. I understood what she was saying from a general perspective but it was just harder for me. Consent was not always explicit.
“I think I get it now and you are mine.” I felt a little thrill saying it. “I think it comes down to what kind of person I am versus someone who would use you in the wrong way. I won’t do that but I’ll use you like you’re mine. I wish you’d do the same.”
“What do you mean?” She asked. Now she was really confused. “Not about the first thing. The last thing.”
“I’m yours too. For whatever, whenever. I want the same thing you just told me that you wanted. I’ve been used for the wrong reasons in the past and I trust you so much that I’d never question it. If I just let go of fear in every way. I think I’d get over my stupid little freak outs.”
“What freakouts?” She asked nervously, looking up at me and running her hand to hold at my neck as she searched my face. “See, this is what I’m talking about. I’m talking about fear. You think I’m afraid of you, of what you might do, and I’m not,” she stared. “But I can tell you’re afraid to let yourself want me or something. You’re careful with me and I can see you being careful. I can feel it. When I said I want you to use me I didn’t mean I want you to use me wrong. Avery…” She stopped. “If you’re scared of anything we do, I need to know about it. I don’t want you keeping things inside and hiding yourself. Even if you think you trust me in the same way that I trust you. We can’t push this to be equal. We have different pasts, different temperaments, different ways that we deal. Please, I need you to use your words. What freakouts? What fear?”
This wasn’t supposed to turn into a heavy discussion. It always did. This was the learning curve. We were jumping into something really fast and getting to know each other as we went. Not so different from other people but then most weren’t engaged after b
eing involved for two weeks and drop our ages on top of that. We had some odds stacked against us.
“You don’t have to open up right now,” she said, sensing my hesitation. “I get it if it’s hard to talk about. Just… Please… Sometime soon. Use your words.”
“Okay, but I need you to know that I’m still figuring out where this is coming from myself. I mean. I think I know overall but I don’t ever want to treat you how I let myself be treated. That’s my fear. When you were throwing out words like use I went straight to a negative connotation because that’s what I’m used to. As for the freak outs. You’ve been there for them.”
“You don’t use me like that. You can’t. And I wouldn’t love you or want you or marry you if you could. That’s not us baby,” she soothed.
“It isn’t us. It never could be. I just have to start talking to you when I start to get anxiety over things instead of just assuming that I’m a terrible person.”
“We really don’t have to be having sex,” she said.
“Um, yeah we do.” I scoffed. “I mean unless you don’t want to but I think I’d explode. I probably couldn’t be in the same room with you after a week.”
“If what we do makes you feel terrible I don’t want it. I don’t want you leaving me and thinking quietly about how horrible you are, when you’re not at all and I loved every second of you.”
“It’s not the sex. That makes me feel amazing. More than amazing and it just takes me talking to you about it I think. I’m going to be better about that. Instead of getting weird. Just be patient with me. I’m trying really hard but I really don’t want to stop having sex. That’s so not necessary. It might even be bad.” I tried to imagine seeing her and not being able to give in to what we were feeling. I shook my head.
“Ya think?” She smiled. It amused her when I talked about how much I loved our sex.
“In fact, I prescribe more sex. I bet if we found a doctor that’s what they would say too.”
Paper Dolls [Book Two] Page 22