“Nick?” she squeezed her eyes shut against the tears. When she opened them, a look of acceptance washed over her face. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed as she closed her eyes and succumbed to the darkness.
Chapter 12
Nick
It had been twenty minutes since we’d arrived at the hospital. I’d managed to hold it together long enough to call my brother. He’d promised to call everyone else in the family so I could go be with Leah.
The entire ride to the hospital had seemed to go by in slow motion. It was like I wasn't really there, I was watching everything happen around me, but couldn't react. A nurse in the emergency room had made some comment about me being in shock, and needing to go lie down somewhere. That had snapped me out of it. Now, I was pacing the waiting room outside of surgery as I waited for Dr. Wright to tell me what they were going to do.
Just as I stopped pacing, the doors to the hallway flew open and Dr. Wright breezed in. "We can't get the bleeding stopped. We need to get the baby out so we have a chance at saving them." She shoved a clipboard in front of me, "I need consent. Can you give consent?"
I looked up at her confused, and then back at the papers in front me.
"Are you two married? Do you have medical proxy?" she pointed at the line at the bottom of the papers. "I can't operate without permission."
"Y…yes, I'm her medical proxy," I nodded numbly as I scribbled my name across the bottom of the form. "Please," I begged. "Save her!"
“We’re going to do everything we can Mr. Sutter,” she gave me a stiff smile. “She’s lost a lot of blood, but the baby is considered full term.” Before I could say anything else, she turned and raced back through the doors.
I glanced around at the empty waiting room. There I was all by myself. How was I going to do this? I stumbled numbly over to a chair in the corner and collapsed into it. Before I could stop the fear that washed over me, I dropped my head into my hands and let go of the emotions I'd been fighting for months.
ooooooooo
I don't know how long I sat there crying…minutes? Hours? All I know is the sun had sunk below the horizon, and the afternoon that had started out so promising was now a night that I wanted to forget. Leah had made it out of surgery but was not doing well. She'd needed a blood transfusion and was still unconscious. Emma had pulled through the delivery just fine and was being checked out in the nursery at the moment. Dr. Wright had told me that she would let me know as soon as I could see either one of them. I didn't know if I really wanted to. I was a dad now, and I was going to have to face the fact that Emma might not have a mom in her future.
"Nick?" my head snapped up as I heard his voice.
"Cam," I nodded as I took in his appearance. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept well in days. His hair was sticking up, and his clothes were rumpled. "You look like shit," I muttered.
"Gee, thanks Bro," he rolled his eyes at me. "It's called being a dad. Aaron's teething. Just you wait."
Just hearing the words he was saying sent me into another fit of anxiety, "How am I going to do this without her?" I began to choke up again. "I can't do this…I can't." I turned my head to the side to look at my brother. I was supposed to be the strong one between the two of us. I was always looking out for him. I never cried, and the fact that I couldn't keep it together right now was killing me.
"She's gonna make it," he reached out and slung his arm around my shoulder. "She's a fighter. Have you ever seen Leah give up on anything?"
He had a point on that one. Leah was as stubborn as they came. I’d never seen her back down from anything. Even after she’d been injured to the point of it ending her career, she went through six surgeries before she called it quits. "Good point," I huffed as I leaned back in the chair I was sitting in. "Did you call Rich?" I glanced around hoping that I hadn't missed anyone else who'd arrived.
“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “He was heading out the same time as me. I thought he’d be here by now, but I think I might have broken a few laws to get here as fast as I did,” Cam chuckled.
"How is she?" a voice boomed from the other side of the room.
"Stable," I stood as Rich Carmichael, a man I'd always seen as strong, seemed to crumble right in front of me. "They've got her in a room, but she's in a coma right now. They don't know how long she'll be out of it. They needed to do a transfusion…" my voice trailed off as I watched him stare blankly at me. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I murmured.
“Sorry for what?” Mr. Carmichael reached out to give me a one-armed hug. “Son, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been taking care of my baby for months. You love her, and you’ve given me a grand-daughter. What could you possibly be sorry for?"
"It's my fault," I dropped my head to his shoulder when he tightened his grip. "This wouldn't be happening if it weren't for me," my eyes welled with tears again, and I grow[G4] led as I wiped them away and pulled out of his embrace. "This is all my fault!"
“No! No it’s not!” Mr. Carmichael moved to stand in front of me and gripped my shoulders shaking me slightly. “You listen here! Sometimes things happen in life, and we can’t do anything about it. That’s just the way it is. What makes you strong is not what happens to you, but how you deal with it. You're a strong person Nick, and I know my daughter would want you to be strong now!"
I blew out a breath as I watched his eyes plead with me. "I love her so much. I don't think I can be strong right now."
"Yes you can. Emma needs you to be," he glared at me, his eyes narrowing as they searched my face for understanding and acceptance.
“I’ll try,” I mumbled. “I’ll try,” I kept repeating it hoping that eventually I’d start believing it.
Right when I turned to have a seat, Dr. Wright came back out to the waiting room. “Mr. Sutter?” she scanned the room. When she spotted me, she gave me a half smile. “We haven’t had in changes in Leah’s condition, but you can see your daughter now. Would you like me to show you to the nursery?"
I slowly darted my eyes between the doctor, Cam, and Rich as I silently asked what I should do. When I saw them nod, I slowly turned back toward the doctor as I choked out, “Yes please."
"Right this way," she motioned toward the elevator to our right. "All of you can come if you'd like. I'll come and find you afterward and show you to Leah's room. She's settled now and can have visitors."
“Thank you,” Rich nodded as he and Cam stood and followed after us.
Before turning to head toward the elevator, Dr. Wright grabbed my wrist and slipped a plastic hospital bracelet around it. "You'll need this to get in," she smiled softly.
ooooooooo
When we reached the eighth floor the elevator doors breezed open to reveal a hallway covered in bright colors. A stork was painted on the wall opposite me with flowers of every color of the rainbow. “Welcome Little Ones” was in large script with pink and blue balloons. My eyes darted to Cam’s as I forced myself to swallow.
"If you turn to the right, and head through the double doors the nursery will be on your left," Dr. Wright brought me out of my daze. "I've got to head back down to maternity."
"Thanks," Mr. Carmichael shook her hand as she stepped back into the elevator and pressed the ‘close door' button.
"You ok?" Cam placed his hand on my shoulder.
I nodded silently as I stared in the direction the doctor had pointed. "I don't know if I can do this," I muttered.
"Yes you can," my brother pushed me slightly in the direction of the nursery. "We're right behind you."
When we reached the large glass window of the nursery, I paused as stared in at the tiny babies. They were each in their own little beds wrapped tightly in white blankets. Small blue or pink hats adorned their heads, the only sign of whether they were boys or girls.
“There she is,” Rich murmured from behind me as he pointed to the right. A baby wearing a pink hat was flailing her arms around as she screamed for attention. ‘Baby Girl Carmichael’ was written in bold letters across t
he end of the bed. A nurse saw us pointing, and she went over and pushed the bed in our direction. She mouthed the word ‘father’, and gave a questioning stare. I'm assuming one of the two men I was standing with must have nodded because the next thing I knew the door was opening and the nurse was beckoning me inside.
"Would like to hold her?" she smiled brightly at me.
"Uh…" I glanced around frantically searching for words.
“You can come in this room over here. I just need to see your bracelet,” she pointed to my wrist and then to another door beside her. I lifted my hand, and she stared at the plastic wrapped around it as she compared it to the one my daughter had on her ankle. "She's awake and wanting attention," she grinned as she tugged on my sleeve. My feet began moving and before I knew it I was standing in front of a sink washing my hands. "Have a seat in one of those chairs, and I'll bring her over to you."
I lowered myself awkwardly into one of the rocking chairs and wiped my hands on my thighs. The nerves that assailed me were something I wasn't used to. I never got nervous, ever! I took a deep breath trying to calm down just as the nurse stepped through the door holding the tiny bundle. A small squeak came from it as she adjusted the baby in her arms.
“She just finished eating, so she should fall asleep for you,” the nurse grinned as she leaned forward and attempted to put my daughter in my arms.
I shifted slightly and looked up at her, panic clear on my face, “I don’t…”
"Here," she shifted the baby to one arm and used her free hand to position me. "Just support the head. You'll be fine," she smiled as she lowered Emma into arms. I sucked in a breath as I felt the weight of my daughter settle on me. Relax," she soothed. "Babies can tell when you're upset. They can sense how you feel."
"I'm trying," I breathed out. "This is just…so much."
“My name’s Becky,” the nurse turned toward the door we’d just come through. “I’ll be right in there if you need anything.” Before I could I answer, she was gone.
When I turned to look back down at Emma, her eyes had closed and she’d snuggled into me. It was like she already knew me, and was content being in my arms. The nerves that had pelted every part of my being eased as I leaned back, and relaxed for the first time in months. I slowly rocked the chair as I began to hum softly to my daughter. She sighed and pursed her lips like she was sucking on something, before yawning, and drifting off to sleep. “I love you little one,” I whispered as I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m your daddy, and I’m going to love you forever."
She released a squeak like she agreed with me, and I couldn't help but let the tears come. Here I was holding the most precious little gift in the world, and her mom was two floors below fighting for survival. Life just didn't seem fair at that moment, and I had no idea how I was going to do this.
Chapter 13
Nick
I rocked Emma for what seemed like hours. Once I’d gotten comfortable, it was like time seemed to fly by. Her tiny frame fit so perfectly in the crook of my arm. A shock of dark hair peeked out of the pink cap she was wearing, and she had the baby powder scent that seemed to follow babies everywhere. I probably would have sat with her all night, if Becky hadn’t stepped in to tell me that she needed to give her a bath. I decided to go and see Leah, Emma couldn’t come with me because Leah was still unconscious. Dr. Wright had told me that once Leah was awake, we could move Emma’s bed into her room. The fact that she seemed optimistic with Leah’s recovery had added a little light to the situation, but we had no idea when or how long it would take.
ooooooooo
Three days had passed, and while I tried to spend equal amounts of time between the two women in my life it was hard to leave one to go visit the other. Emma was able to go home, and trying to decide how I was going to swing that was terrifying me. How was I going to take care of a baby by myself? I had no one to help me. All of our family lived in Pittsford, and Leah was still not awake. The anxiety I had felt just days ago seemed to have tripled as I stood here looking through the glass of the nursery at my daughter.
"You can do this," Cam's voice whispered from behind me.
"I don't think I can," my head slowly shook from side-to-side. "I don't know what I'm doing. What if I hurt her or something?"
"It's not easy," Cam sighed. "Believe me, I know, but you'll be fine."
“How did you know what to do?" I glanced over my shoulder before turning back to the window.
"I didn't really," Cam shrugged. "I just kinda learned as I went…and called Sarah's parents…A LOT!" he chuckled.
"Who's going to watch her when I'm here?" I reached up and tugged at my hair in frustration. "I can't bring her with me…and I can't leave Leah here. Who knows when she'll wake up? It's been days."
"You'll have help," came another voice. One that I hadn't expected to hear.
"What are you doing here?" I turned and smiled.
"Helping," Avery shrugged. "That's my god daughter in there. My best friend would kick my ass if I didn't offer to help you. Besides," she glanced at my brother "I have some unfinished business around here."
Without even thinking about it, I turned and wrapped her in a hug, "Thank you!"
"No problem. When are they going to let you take her home?" Avery moved to stand next to the window and stare at Emma.
"I'm going to go down and see Leah in a minute. I only came up here to sign paperwork. Then, I'm taking her home and getting her set up in the nursery. Now that you're here, I'll be able to come back tonight and stay with Leah for a while."
"Sounds good," Avery smiled as she slapped her hand down on my shoulder. "Go see your girl. I'll stay here and wait."
I nodded and darted for the elevator. I could feel my heart constrict the further I moved away from my daughter, but the other girl in my life needed me too. I didn't know how I was going to survive this. All the back and forth was slowly killing me. If Leah didn't wake up soon, I feared that I might crumble.
ooooooooo
When I reached the sixth floor and rounded the corner to Leah's room, I paused to take in the sight. My girl was laying there motionless. Her chocolate hair was fanned out on the pillow behind her. Her skin was a pale white in contrast with her hair. Her normal pink cheeks and lips held little color. A nurse was standing on the opposite side of the bed checking the monitors that she was hooked up to. Leah hadn't woken the entire time she was here. The blankets that covered her body were tucked up under her arms and smoothed over her. She looked peaceful, and I silently wondered what might be running through her mind as she lay there. The last thing that she'd uttered before slipping into silence was that she was sorry. I think at that moment she'd given up, and was apologizing for leaving us behind. I don't think she realized how truly strong she was. I think if she saw the support she had along with her body's will to survive, she might fight harder against whatever was keeping her under.
"Hey Baby," I murmured as I slid down into a chair that I had pulled up next to her bed. I’d been using it since she had been moved into this room. “Can you hear me?” I reached for her hand and wrapped it in mine. It was cool to the touch and lifeless as I threaded our fingers together. “I went and saw Emma today. She’s doing so well. You’d be proud. You did a great job taking care of yourself so she’d be healthy,” I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. I could feel the tears coming, but I sucked them back as I barreled on, “I’ve got to take her home today Baby. She’s ready.” I bit my lip to try and stop my voice from trembling, “You gotta wake up Leah,” I begged. “Please! I can’t do this by myself. Please don’t make me!” I dropped my head to a spot on the bed beside her. “I can’t…I can’t do this without you,” my voice cracked as I sniffed. “I know I said I could, but…” I clamped my lips tight together to stop myself from falling apart. I knew that I needed to be strong for Emma, but it wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be a family. All three of us were supposed to leave this h
ospital together. How was I going to go home tonight with only half of our family? “Avery came by today,” I mumbled to her. “She’s going help me until you get better. You have to get better! You hear me Leah? You have to. I can only take Avery for so long, and then I might snap. You have to save me,” I gave a half-hearted laugh. “Please?” I waited a few moments before glancing back up at her face. It stayed impassive as my conversation remained one-sided. "How is she?" I watched the nurse as she placed the clipboard with Leah's chart back on the end of the bed.
“The same,” the nurse murmured. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but sometimes these things just take time. Keep talking to her. Some doctors believe that patients can hear us.”
She turned and walked toward the door as I released a sigh, and reached for the TV remote hooked on the edge of the bed. “If you’re not going to talk to me,” I smirked as I tried to act natural "then I'm going to watch ESPN." I darted my eyes toward her face as I prayed that I'd get a reaction. At home, if I done this she would have taken a flying leap across my lap to extricate the remote from my grasp. When I scanned her face, and saw the same blank expression, I flopped back in the chair and blew out a deep breath. "You've taken all the fun out of this," I squeezed her hand. "You're going to regret not fighting me on this one," I flicked the TV on to a basketball game and tried to relax. I had about an hour before I was supposed to take Emma home. I knew I'd be back, and everyone kept telling me to talk to Leah like she was having a conversation with me. I don't think they realized how hard it was. Ever ask somebody a question and have them stare back at you like they have no idea what you're talking about? Yeah…that's what my days have been like. The love of my life has been trapped in a deep sleep, and my daughter looks at me like I'm crazy when I talk to her. Resigned to the silence, I lifted my eyes to the TV and watched the game as the minutes ticked by.
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