Christmas Doings

by MariaLisa deMora

  “It is my mission to have her understand she is not less than, to see herself as I do, which is perfection. But when she cries at night, it is because her arms are empty, because she cannot hold a child created by the love we share, and that pain, that agony, it is not easily comforted. If I could, I would rip my heart free from my chest in payment for her dream. I would ply her with gifts to distract her mind, but you know my Ester. She wants doings, not things, and the doings she most desires are out of reach. It is not fair, this life, because she is the most gentle, understanding, loving, and loyal woman I know. Her protective streak runs broad and deep, and it well covers those helpless creatures that need it most. My Ester would make a fierce mother. She would be one who wouldn’t shy from hard times, and would love a child more than breath.”

  Leaning forwards, he picked up his drink and downed it in three hard swallows, licking away the traces of whiskey that left smears on his lips. “So yes.” He lifted his chin and stared at Mason. “My brother. I do want children with Ester.”

  “God damn,” Red muttered thickly and turned away.

  Mason held Bones’ gaze for a long moment. Pain slid across his features and he leaned close, gripping Bones’ shoulder in a tight grip. “If I can do anything to make that dream come true, all you have to do is speak it, and I’ll break my back for you. Love you, brother.”

  “Love and respect, brother. I know you would.” He pulled away and settled against the cushions again. “Now, tell me of this party.”

  Chapter Two

  Bones

  “My Ester, where are you?” He stood just inside the door and looked around in shock. “It looks as if there were a devil wind loose in our house.” There were containers everywhere, stacked in tottering towers along the walls, electrical wires escaping in loops out of boxes, the shine of colored glass peeking through gaps where lids had been left askew. “A wild wind.”

  A lilting giggle drifted out from the room where his office was. “We’re not in Kansas.”

  “No, we are not.” He pushed the door open wide and stepped inside, stopping abruptly. “Ester.” He stared at her. “What are we doing in our not-Kansas house of wind?”

  “You’re home early.” Her tone was riding the edge of complaining, but he heard the smile there, too, and knew she wasn’t truly cross. “How can I surprise you if you come home without warning?”

  “Should I go away again, then?” As he’d expected, the threat of him leaving drove her from the shadows of the office and into the light, her head shaking violently back and forth, hair flying around her face. “You wish me to stay, little one?” A vehement nod set her hair adrift again, giving her the look of a partying head-banger. “Then I shall stay. If there is aught you want me to ignore, or avoid, to set your surprise in play, just tell me.”

  “The bedroom is safe.” She peeked at him from behind a fall of hair. Shiny and clean, it stood in stark contrast from the first time he’d seen her. Still, even homeless and living on the street for more than a decade, she’d been as tidy as she could be, utilizing showers and laundry facilities where they could be found. Now, after years of good food, regular rest, and all the girly hair products she’d allow him to purchase for her, she was as gorgeous as the promise he’d seen behind the grime and fatigue.

  “Then I shall wait for you in our bedroom.” Even after so long, Ester still had trouble thinking of anything in their house as hers, including laying claim to something like a room. Bones liked to remind her as often as he could. “Will you be long, my Ester?” She smiled and shook her head gently. “May I have a kiss before I go up?” A quick nod answered his question, and she stepped over boxes to come to him.

  Tilting her head back, she sighed softly as she offered him her lips. Her hands were behind her back, but when he covered her mouth, her entire body arched towards him, breast to chest, and belly to belly. Soft and giving, her lips molded to his and when he stroked his tongue along the seam of her mouth, she eagerly opened to him.

  She tasted of cocoa, sugary sweetness, and longing. Carried up from a deep well inside her, the desire for him marked her. Long moments fled past as he kissed her thoroughly. Licking and sucking at her tongue and lips, he drew desperate sounds and half-formed words from her. He pulled back until their foreheads pressed together and then took a moment to breathe her in, smelling chocolate and peppermint, and arousal.

  He smiled, touched his lips to hers a final time and promised her, “I’ll always wait for you.”

  ***

  Ester

  It was the sound of a dozen or more bikes that woke me. Rumbling into the room, the noises of engines and exhausts burrowed under the covers with me where I napped.

  I’d been up early to watch the daily parade of pampered pooches, the group of them prowling at the ends of their leashes, dressed for their excursion in raincoats and tiny boots. Every morning, rain or shine, our neighbor gathered his pack and they became park-bound, from the tiniest Chihuahua named Dozer to the Great Dane I called Tiny.

  Each dog knew me, and as I saw things, I knew they were as excited to see me as I was them. I’d placed one of them with the man, rescued and placed with someone my Bonesy had said once had more money than common sense, a saying I had enough sense of my own to not repeat. So, the dogs expected to see me, and greeted me, tails wagging and tongues lashing painlessly. Hellos and goodbyes mixed and blurred in passing until they were beyond me in many ways. The man had called out an invitation I’d been happy to oblige, absenting myself from Bones’ house for sixty minutes only.

  I’d been tired from the night before. It had been harder than I thought it would be, wrestling boxes in from the garage where Crowder had stored them for me. Bonesy had been out late communing with his brothers, and I took the rare opportunity to prepare for the wonderland I had planned. He most often was with me when darkness fell, which came earlier this time of year, the world drawing into itself and resting. Conserving energy for the burst of green growth springtime always brought. But my Bonesy had adapted easily, wordlessly, which was to say without me asking or him consenting, simply showing at the end of the day, no matter the time on the clock stated by fingerless hands pointing at meaningless numbers. By my reckoning, when the sun was up, it was time to work and be busy; if the sun was down, it was time for rest.

  So, I’d been up late with wrestling of the two kinds, working and loving, the latter of which I confessed was my favorite of the two. Who wouldn’t feel the same, given the chance to be loved by a man such as Bones? But whoever wasn’t the same were on their own, because he was all mine.

  He’s mine and I’m his.

  I smoothed the frown from my brow, laughing at my fierce reaction to the thought of another’s body under his hands. It was senseless to be distraught by such a thing that would never, could never happen. And my body under his hands was a memory to be worshipped, adored as I did him, holding close the moments where he gave himself to me. I’m on his skin. I took a moment to remind myself, my mind conjuring as if by magic a mental image of the me on him that he’d inked. No other woman shared that, except for his baby sister, lost in the shadows of death and time. I felt honored to be so paired with his Estrella, knowing how he’d loved her.

  My mind settled for a moment and I arched my neck, remembering the feel of his colored canvas against my blank one. Skin tingling at the thought of the way his fingers traced the veins in my throat, the muscles of my arms, the curves of my stomach.

  My hand dipped unbidden towards my flat belly, but I drew it up short.

  No going there for me today, I promised, and settled my mind back to remembering. So, the wrestling had been followed by up early and playing, because I couldn’t follow the dogs to the park and not play, could I? It had all conspired and combined to wear me out. Hence the napping.

  I wasn’t body sick, hadn’t been for longer than I could remember. Back when I first found Bones, our friend Red’s prescribed plan of nutrition, rest, vitamins, and generous applica
tion of love colluded with my body to buoy it up, plotting and succeeding at keeping sickness at bay. Okay, maybe he hadn’t said anything about love, but being well had coordinated with loving Bones, so it felt to me that there was something to be said for the emotion. Not quite enough of the truth. I paused, considering said thought, and the corners of my mouth tipped skyward. Both the emotion and the action, because being body weary, worn from loving Bones always gave me the best sleeps in the history of ever. Yes, I decided with a nod. The action must be a critical application in the campaign of love against sickness.

  What I was, was heartsick. Still recovering from a lifelong scarcity of never-enough, I found myself staring out into the look-ahead tunnel without seeing a rescue train coming my way. Heartsick and heartsore, and as much as I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, it did. Long ago days of pain and grief reached bony fingers into my today to twist it awry.

  Every child I saw on the street was a blow to my bleeding heart. Happy was I, and I was when my Bonesy’s friends celebrated their blessings. Still, my heart pumped poison in my chest, the beat echoing through my veins with a chorus of not enough. I would never be enough.

  I had come to this wanting reluctantly, approaching it as a what-if and a maybe-someday only to find myself stuck at the corner of can’t and never.

  In the beginning, it was Bones and me, and that was all I needed. Then Mason’s wife became my friend, and I’d held Willa’s tiny human, losing my heart in different ways to the clutching of Dolly’s tiny, perfect fists. That baby girl had changed my insides, and would always be my favorite in their house. Garrett did hold a close second, because of how protective he was. Like father, like son, and then I had wondered what a son for Bones would be like, and oh, the world could do with another dose of Bonesy.

  That single moment of meeting Dolly had started the avalanche of thinkings and feelings, and then once I’d rounded the curve from not I, it felt like the straightaway would race me to the ending, because Bones had jumped on the running board of the right-now wagon with eyes shining the “God, yes please” look he only had for me.

  Then came the weeks of waiting followed by scarlet drops of disappointment, followed by more hours of waning hope torn apart by the blood of my loins. Twelve losses, which was close to my luckiest number, but I didn’t have much belief left in me at that point. Finally, he had broached the subject straight on, after a dozen sideways attempts I’d derailed, still looking for that rescue train.

  Red had been my rock, and promised me safety if I talked to the white-coated demons. Those anti-angels I’d ceased trusting eons ago. I’d thought Red had sworn, mostly because Bones had vowed to finish him if he stepped wrong. I’d laughed at that, because they were brothers, and Bones would do anything for those he carried loyalty-love. In turn, Red laughed at me, coaching me in the greater importance of heart-love.

  I allowed how he was right but wrong in the same breath, because brotherhood had made the high-water mark of Bones-love, giving me something to measure against.

  Red agreed finally, but then he’d told me I erred in my assumptions as to the why he’d wanted to help in the first place, naming me his friend in a moment that struck me mute. Still, he knew what my silence meant; he’d ducked his head with a smile I’d seen him aim at his daughters. It warmed me from the inside out, and I loved him then. Loved him still, as a near-father, not that I remembered much about mine.

  So Red had gone ahead of us, carving a path through claustrophobic hallways while Bones’ arm wrapped tight around my shoulders. He curved around me as a safeguard, his body shielding mine against any dangers we might meet. For the perils in my head, he gave me his voice in my ear, scent in my nose, and love, always so much love in my heart for him.

  He wasn’t holding me back from leaving, but anchored me to him in a way that let me borrow his courage. Strong, warm muscles under my hands, hot blood in his veins, Ester-love in his steady gaze. Then it was gooseflesh, with the cold table under my bare bottom, cold fingers probing intimately, that personal touch frighteningly impersonal. It was only Bones’ blazing eyes that gave me peace. In that love-forged calmness, I let my mind run free with memories of him as we’d come to know each other. Moment after blessed moment, my dark angel saving me all over again.

  Red’s voice murmured in the background, pitched to be ignorable and so I did. Bones’ voice flowed through the air in his unique cadence, careful questions unanswered by audible words. There’d been quiet in the room finally, cold jelly wiped from my belly, and Bones had held me while I cried. It all meant there were no more reasons to wait, because the fallow fields of Ester would forever be barren. My body had missed the station, and there would never be a train for me.

  My insides didn’t match my outsides, and because of that, I didn’t speak for a week.

  But that was then, and this was now, and I’d come to terms with all the things it meant.

  The roaring of bikes outside died away, final engine revs truncated by what I knew would be automatic switch flipping and easy leg swinging. I stared at the door, expecting it to blow open any moment, the return of my Bones imminent. I was not disappointed. He strode in with head high, eyes bright, smile wide and showing teeth. He was happy, proud, and excited, and I loved all of him.

  Along with Bones came the close cadre of men he counted as his brothers.

  Red and Shades, two men I trusted with Bones’ life. Tater and Isabella followed them in, and then I was up and off the couch in a rush, my legs unsteady with the thundering force of my heart’s emotion until my Ronnie’s arms wrapped around me. I hadn’t seen him in forever and a day, which if you counted as I did was an eternity too long. His Mouse was with him, an indulgent smile on the man’s face at seeing my brother happy. Grinning and laughing from deep inside his middle, Myron didn’t make me wonder at how he felt. He showed it to me right there, no guesswork, and I loved him a little more for always giving me that.

  “I see where I stand in priorities.” Bones’ voice had dropped to a gravel-filled growl, much like the Great Dane’s this morning in the park when asked to give up a favored toy.

  I looked at him over Myron’s shoulder, surprised to see an un-something on his face. Unhappy wasn’t quite the word, but unpleasant wasn’t even close. It was a not-something that bothered me, because when he looked at me, Bones most often shared a satisfied pleasure with the world. Ever afraid, my mind raced to find the cause, and I could only point fingers back at myself.

  With a pat of Myron’s shoulder, I pushed away, taking two steps towards the stairs. “I’m sorry.” Throat so dry it ticked with those sounds I forced out, and they weren’t enough. Couldn’t be enough. So, I looked for another pair, aiming for politeness. Eyes aimed at the floor, I dodged away from Myron’s reaching hands. “Good night, everyone.” I couldn’t stand the idea of the whole world seeing Bones upset, so removing the me part of the equation was the only solution I could figure.

  “Ester.” Two steps in and walking away wasn’t yet easier. Shouldn’t it be easier? “Ester, wait.” Four treads in the past, dozens to go. “Baby.” And that stuck my feet in their tracks. Bones always could do that to me. “Make yourselves at home; you know where everything is.” That last was for his guests, and the words were a mimicry of what he told me often, in my mind lodging me in the same ranking as the men currently fanning out throughout Bones’ house.

  Heat from his body curled around me, warming my outsides in, and then his hands were on my arms. Palms to my skin, he slipped his hold down, grasping my wrists and pulling them in a crisscross, weaving our limbs like vines across the front of my body. Held thusly, I couldn’t move, nor would I want to, since Bones was forever and ever my favorite place to be. Nothing else mattered about the where, just the who, and he needed to know that, so I gave it to him right away. “There’s love enough inside me.”

  “I know, my Ester.” His voice wisped through my hair, reaching my ears with a soft sigh. “I know you love me.”

>   “It’s not an emptied bucket.” Not like the one I’d used for the bird baths this winter, filling it to the brim inside the house where the ice wasn’t and hauled by muscle and might to the outside, where the warmth wasn’t. “I won’t spill it, Bones. I promise.” Water scattered by my clumsy feet to splinter in icy shards against the ground. “It’s artesian.” The woman at the co-op had talked about that type of well, water free-flowing without a pump, sparkling liquid escaping the bonds of the earth with joy. “What’s inside me.”

  “I know, baby.” I stopped twisting my fingers into impotent circles, reaching for words I couldn’t find in my head. When he called me baby, it was like a coveted comfort inside, where the word in his voice spread across the waves of discontent and anxiety, covering and smothering, but only in good ways. Only in ways that kept me from being lost inside my head until he couldn’t find me. “Myron is excited to see you.”

  “Was.” Like the stairs behind me, any pleasure in the night was a gone past thing. I’d broken that liking for him by bringing Bones’ displeasure to his feet.

  “Is, Ester. You were all he could talk about at the clubhouse. He couldn’t wait to see you, and I expected the same from you. My words were an ill-chosen jest, and I wish I could call them back.” His arms tightened around me, and I leaned against his chest, knowing he could hold me. My Bones could hold me up with one finger, but he liked more of me against more of him, so he’d always err on the side of all of him with me. “I know you love me. You show me every day with your doings.”