She’s Gone Country

by Jane Porter; Jane Porter

  Back home, while the boys watch TV, I slip into the bathroom and take the pregnancy test. It comes up positive right away.

  I am pregnant.

  I’m having Dane’s baby. Now I just need to tell him. And the news will change everything.

  Morning arrives cold and dark, and I go to the kitchen to start my coffee. Leaning against the counter, I shake my head.

  This is crazy. I’m a mom to three teenagers. How can I be having a baby?

  And Dane… Dane will say we have to get married. Dane will want to be honorable. Respectable.

  He’ll want to do the right thing by me, but I don’t want a chivalrous gesture. I want romance and love and a happily ever after that comes in the right place at the right time.

  This isn’t the right place or time.

  We’ve gotten all the steps out of order.

  Too agitated to stay inside, I bundle up in my winter coat and pace outside between the house and barn. What do I do? What can I do? I have to tell Dane, but God, oh, this isn’t what any of us wanted. I mean, a baby…

  A baby…

  I haven’t had a baby in so long, I don’t even remember what it’s like.

  Not true. I was just at Marta’s. Babies are so much work. They cry. They eat. They sleep. They cry some more.

  I try to remember my own boys as babies, and I see flashes of each of them. Hank was serious. Bo was bald. Coop had a shock of red hair. And each of them loved me so much. All I ever had to do was enter the room and my baby boy would light up.

  How I loved them.

  How I love them still.

  And of course I’d love this baby, too. Dane’s baby. Dane’s. It’s wonderful, and horrible.

  Magic and tragic.

  Creating this little life means destroying the old one. The life I knew with my children. The life I had before.

  “Mom?”

  It’s Bo, and I turn and face him. “What’s up, hon?”

  He’s standing in the driveway, his eyes intense. “You okay?” he asks, running a hand through his short auburn curls.

  “Yes.”

  “You look upset.”

  “I’m not. I’m good.”

  “Are you?”

  “Yes.”

  He digs the toe of his shoe into the cold ground. “I haven’t been easy, and I’m sorry—”

  “I couldn’t love you more.”

  “But I know I’m a lot of work, and I hope you know I appreciate everything you do for me, and if there’s anything I can do for you…” He gives me a small, hopeful smile. “I want to.”

  Love rushes through me, love so strong that it brings tears to my eyes. “You’re doing it, baby.”

  “How?”

  “Just be yourself. And learn to like yourself because I absolutely adore you.”

  He gives me a hug, and I hold him tight because he was once my baby, just an infant in my arms, and even though he’s now fourteen he will always be as dear to me as the day he was born.

  We walk back to the house, and when I offer to make him breakfast, he accepts, telling me French toast sounds good.

  I’m just whisking the eggs when Mama appears on my doorstep with her big 1972 Cadillac parked in the drive. “You going to church today, Shey Lynne?” she asks me, her navy coat buttoned to her throat.

  My mother is a tall woman, but I still have a couple of inches on her, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry as I realize my mother is never going to change. My mother will be worrying about my spiritual well-being for my entire life.

  “No, I’m not, Mama,” I answer, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. “But you go and have a really good time for me, okay?”

  “Shey Lynne!”

  “I’m serious. Go, and when you’re done, come home and tell me all about it.”

  Mama wastes no time getting back, either. She must have run straight from the church to her car and driven at breakneck speed to get here. So now we sit like two proper women at the kitchen table, having a cup of hot tea and a chat.

  “I’m thinking of moving back,” Mama announces after a few minutes of small talk, unaware that I already know her big news. “I miss the house. Miss my friends and my church and, of course, you kids.”

  I pretend to be surprised. “I thought you liked living in Jefferson.”

  “I take care of Mamie,” she answers, using the name we always called her mother. “And I’ve made friends there, but it’s not home. This here, this is home.”

  “Then come home. I only moved into the house because it was empty—”

  “I’m not chasing you out, Shey Lynne. There’s no reason we can’t all live here together. If Bo and Cooper share a room, that still leaves two bedrooms. You keep the master bedroom and I’ll take Cooper’s room.”

  “No, Mama. I’m not having you in a kid’s room. This is your house. You should be in your bed. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  And hell, I probably won’t even be here then. Dane’s not going to leave me here. When he finds out I’m pregnant, he’ll marry me and move me into his house.

  Just as he did with Shellie Ann.

  My stomach heaves.

  This is not a storybook ending, I think, clutching my china cup painted with bluebonnets, Texas’s state flower. But then, this hasn’t been a storybook life.

  Mama and I are still at the kitchen table when I hear Dane’s truck outside. “Someone’s coming,” Mama says.

  I nod, suddenly so nervous that I want to throw up. “It’s Dane, Mama,” I say.

  I rush to my room to check my hair and face, then return to the kitchen to grab my coat from the peg by the back door. “I’ll be gone for a little bit,” I tell her.

  The wind whips at my hair as I slide on my coat and hurry toward Dane’s truck.

  “Hi,” I say, stopping him before he can climb from his truck. “Can we talk out here? Mama’s in the house.”

  He looks at me intently as I climb into the truck and close the door behind me.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks bluntly, his green gaze searching my face.

  I open my mouth, pray for the right way to tell him, but nothing comes. So I just say it. “I’m pregnant.”

  He stares at me for the longest time. “There was only that one time we weren’t protected.”

  And it only takes one time. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” And God, do I mean it. I want to be with Dane, but not like this, not ever like this. To trap a man like Dane… to use a baby to make him mine…

  “You’ve seen a doctor?”

  I shake my head. “Just taken one of those home tests, but they rarely give false positives. And to be honest, I knew. I knew before I took the test. I’m so regular, Dane, twenty-eight days on the dot. I would have noticed sooner, but the holidays and the last-minute job in Seattle… It took me a few days to remember what I’d missed.”

  He just looks at me. I can’t see anything in his eyes, and the lack of all emotion terrifies me.

  “I won’t get an abortion,” I say swiftly, determined to say what I must say. “But I also don’t need you to make any rash romantic overtures. I’ll be forty in February. I’ve got a home, and income, and a supportive family—”

  “Is it my baby?”

  His voice is so deep and rough that it’s like nails against a chalkboard. “Yes. Of course it’s yours.”

  “Then why cut me out?”

  I wince. “Because you’ve been through this before, and I won’t do it to you again—”

  “But I haven’t been through it before. Not with you. Not with this child.” He draws a quick, deep breath. “I loved Matthew, but as you know, he wasn’t here long. I didn’t have a lot of time with him. But I’d love to have that experience again. To be a dad. To be someone’s father.”

  We’re still sitting in the drive in front of my house, and the wind howls outside his truck and the sky’s a dark, stormy gray. “But it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It wasn’t supposed to happen until we were ready.�
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  “Maybe we wouldn’t have ever been ready.”

  I glance at him sharply. “Why not?”

  “My career. Your children. Our history.”

  “So I’ve trapped you.”

  “No, the pregnancy wasn’t planned, but you didn’t trap me.” He sees my face, shakes his head. “Why are you so upset? Help me understand.”

  Suddenly I’m suffocating in his truck, suffocating sitting here. I fumble with the door handle and open the door, swinging it wide. I step down and move away from the truck but don’t know where to go next. Don’t know what to do. I love Dane, and once upon a time I wanted his baby more than anything. But not now, not like this.

  Dane opens his door, climbs out of the truck. “It’s cold, Shey. Let’s get back in the truck, go for a drive.”

  I shake my head.

  “Then let’s go inside the house. Your mom is standing at the kitchen window watching us.”

  I glance over my shoulder toward the house, and he’s right. There’s Mama at the window, watching us as intently as though we were her favorite reality show.

  “Let’s walk,” I say, shivering.

  “Where?”

  “The barn. Brick’s house. I don’t care.”

  We set off down the driveway, and as we walk I notice Dane’s limp becoming more pronounced. I hate that I notice, hate that I care so much. “Your hip,” I say as we approach the barn. “It’s bothering you, isn’t it.”

  “It’s the cold,” he admits, leaning on his cane more heavily than usual. “But I’m fine. I’m used to it.”

  But I’m not fine with him hurting. I don’t want him hurting. The whole point of loving someone is that you want to help them and protect them.

  “Stop it,” he says quietly. “Stop whatever weird masochistic scenario you’ve got going on inside your head. You and I made love. We didn’t use protection. We’re not teenagers. We had to know there could be consequences. And there are. So we deal with it.”

  “So what do you propose?” I ask, bundling my coat closer to my body.

  “We get married and move you and the boys into my house and raise the baby together.”

  He makes it sound so simple and so very practical. But I might as well be Shellie Ann. He spoke no words of love, just words of duty, responsibility. He’ll provide. He’ll take care of us. He’ll do the right thing. But that’s not what I want from him. I need his heart.

  “This isn’t how it was supposed to be,” I say, pushing open the weathered barn door and stepping inside. It’s musty but warmer, and I fumble on the wall for the light switch. The single bulb overhead clicks on, illuminating a rail of saddles and a broken-down tractor parked in the corner. “It’s not. I’ve waited so long to be with you, and then this… this…”

  He waits.

  And my hysteria builds. “This isn’t right, Dane. You must see that. You must realize. But this baby, this baby is—”

  “A miracle,” he completes my thought.

  I turn to look at him sharply.

  Dane has taken a seat on the wheel of the tractor. “You’re giving me a miracle.”

  I’ve never heard anyone say anything so beautiful. And some of my pain and fear eases. “What if… what if there are what ifs?… I am almost forty…”

  “I’d love him or her no matter what.”

  Just as he loved Matthew.

  Just as he always loved me.

  “Dane—” I choke, and I reach out to him. “This just feels wrong. It’s not the way I wanted it.”

  He takes my hand and draws me toward him. “How did you want it?”

  “I wanted us to have a proper romance and a proper courtship, and then if it all worked out, a proper wedding—”

  “Just like a storybook,” he says, holding me captive between his thighs.

  “Yes,” I answer huskily. I don’t know where to put my hands. It doesn’t seem right to rest them on his legs. Too much muscle there. Too much intimacy. “All pretty and shiny with a tidy, happy ending.”

  “But that’s not real.” He pushes hair from my cheek and tucks it back behind my ear. “Life isn’t pretty and shiny and tidy. It’s chaotic and ever changing, sometimes intense, sometimes damn boring. And sometimes just perfect, which is pretty incredible when you consider how imperfect we are.”

  “Dane, I’m scared.”

  “Good, so am I.”

  Dane Kelly, the man who’s ridden some of the world’s rankest bulls, is scared? I crack a wry smile. “Why are you scared?”

  “Because you don’t have to do this… marry me, or raise a family with me. You could decide you’re going to do this all on your own.”

  “That scares you?”

  “Hell, yes. God knows I need you.” He drops his head and presses his lips to my forehead. “God knows I’ve been lonely. That house of mine needs you and I need you, and together we can fill it with the boys and the baby and love.”

  I want the love part most. I need the love part, too. “You love me.”

  “Since forever.”

  “That’s a long time.”

  “And I’m a really old man.”

  I shake my head, determined to hold myself rigid against the warmth of his lips on my skin. I can’t let myself feel. Can’t let myself cave in. Mustn’t be seduced by the physical.

  Be strong.

  Be strong.

  Be strong.

  His lips move to my temple and press another light kiss there. “I do love you, beautiful girl,” he whispers. “Won’t you come live with me? Won’t you come be a family with me? Won’t you please be my wife?”

  I squeeze my eyes against the tears. “You’re just saying that because you knocked me up.”

  “I’m not saying that because I knocked you up. I’m saying it because it’s true.”

  “Huh!” I sniff, trying to wrestle free, but his hands are locked on my lower back. His thighs hold me immobile. I put my hands against his chest and push, and push, but he doesn’t let me go. “You can’t trap me into marriage, Dane.”

  He’s smiling into my eyes. “I think I just have.”

  “You don’t want to marry me!”

  “Oh, but I do. That’s why your folks sent you away. Brick told them I wanted to elope with you, and your watchdog of a brother wasn’t going to let it happen.”

  “You’re just making this up.”

  “And you’re ruining our romantic moment. How can I make it like a storybook if you won’t cooperate?”

  I crack a smile even as tears tremble on my lashes. “I don’t want a storybook. I just want you.”

  “You’ve got me, darlin’. That’s never been in doubt.”

  I lean into him, rest on him. “So what do we tell everyone?”

  “That you seduced me. Couldn’t keep your hands off me—”

  “Dane!”

  “Well, it’s true.”

  I look into his eyes, eyes I’ve loved nearly all my life. “It is true,” I admit. “And I guess I knew that sooner or later it’d get me into trouble.”

  Epilogue

  Blending a family is far from easy, and keeping Cooper, Bo, Hank (when he visits), Dane, and baby Sophie happy under one roof—even one as big as Dane’s house—is difficult and sometimes downright impossible. But we’re trying.

  Sophie was born two and a half months ago and is pretty perfect if you can overlook the colic, which isn’t always easy to do. The boys thought they’d love having a baby sister, but her hours of screaming have seriously tested their devotion.

  Dane’s on the road more often than home right now, but come the end of December he won’t be traveling until he begins his stint again in August. In the meantime I have Mama, and she’s been a huge help. That’s right. My mama is practically my new best friend. Why?

  She’s got the magic touch with Sophie. It doesn’t matter how long Sophie’s been crying, the moment my mother picks her up, Sophie calms down, nestles into Mama’s shoulder, and goes to sleep.

 
I don’t think I ever truly appreciated my mother until now.

  Mama’s a great woman, and I’m proud to be part of this family. Yes, it’s been a tough couple of years. John leaving. Our move from New York. Bo’s depression. Cody’s death. And then the unexpected pregnancy. But all those negatives also have positives. All that change brought growth and hope, strength and love.

  Like the girls’ program I run now in Mineral Wells, where I offer free classes for eleven-to-eighteen-year-olds on fashion and modeling, self-esteem, and goal setting.

  And the monthly column I’ve begun writing for Teen Cosmo on how it’s beautiful to be strong.

  Sure, it’s hard juggling all the different roles, and sometimes it’s a little messy, but my messy life gives my mama a purpose, makes her feel needed, and makes me realize how much she’s always loved me. Me, Shey Lynne, her own baby girl.

  Here’s to the girls. We rock.

  We really do.

  Reading Group Guide

  In Chapter 1 we meet Shey’s mother. How does knowing about her relationship with her mother give insight into the inner battle that wars inside Shey’s head—the battle between Shey’s former young girl self and the woman she wants to be?

  How do Shey’s three sons factor into that battle? How does Shey feel about being a mother? Do you think Shey is using her boys and her “duties” as a mother to shield herself from moving forward?

  We find out that Shey’s husband is no longer in love with her and is having an affair with a man. Do you agree or disagree with Shey’s statement “…I can compete with another woman, but how on earth do I compete with a man for my husband’s affections?”

  How are Shey’s deceased brother, Cody, and her son Bo alike? Their “condition” affects the relationships of many characters in the story. Shey tries to reassure herself by saying, “Bo isn’t crazy. Bo isn’t like my brother Cody. Bo is going to be okay.” Do you believe her? In your opinion does Shey’s response to her son help or hurt him?

  Dane Kelly, who Shey hasn’t seen since high school, was the love of her life until she was sent away to boarding school. Do you think her immediate strong feelings for Dane are normal or a “rebound” reaction to the recent split with her husband?