Diary Of A Pissed Off Wife

by Jordan Silver

  "What do you mean him or her? He signed a contract..."

  "Yes but he can't play football if I break both his fucking legs now can he? Whoops, there goes the season."

  There was a lot of talk, which I had no interest in, about contracts and workers rights and blah, blah, blah.

  They tried to outlast us but we knew just how to get rid of them. As if on cue we all looked at each other. Now Sandy is supposedly the most level headed of us. Or so everyone but the four of us seems to think. So she took point on this one. They’d believe anything the church lady says.

  “Come on girls, the stores aren’t going to be open all night let’s go.”

  “Oh, you ladies going shopping?” Coach was smiling again.

  “Yeah, what did you guys think we were doing? I told you before I left the house remember?” I gave Travis my innocent ditzy look. I can be slick too. We got up and gathered our stuff while our clueless husbands breathed sighs of relief.

  They walked us out to our cars and were only too happy to be handing out extra cash. As soon as they cleared the parking lot we headed for Paulette’s truck. It was less conspicuous than the sports cars the rest of us were driving.

  Chapter 12

  “You got that bitch’s number Jilly?”

  “Yeah, one of the other girls gave it up. She also said they don’t like this Tiffany girl. Apparently she’s more interested in fraternizing with the boys than doing her routines, if you know what I mean.”

  “But why did she pick my Travis?”

  “That’s obvious Janey, he’s top dog.”

  “Yeah I guess that makes sense Paulette; but why? I just don’t get it. Why go through all this elaborate fabrication? unless she’s sick.”

  “Sick my ass, she’s got bitchitis.” Jilly’s a hot sticky mess.

  “Jilly gimme the number.”

  “Wait, what are you gonna say?” She pulled up the number and rattled it off while I punched it in.

  “I don’t know yet.” I held up my finger for quiet when the phone started ringing.

  “Hello.”

  “Hello whorianna, this is Mrs. Shackelford.”

  There was a slight pause before, “How did you get this number?”

  “The same way you got mine.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Oh just a few answers. You didn’t think I was just gonna take your word for it that you were screwing my husband did you?”

  “If he said we didn’t he’s lying, we…”

  “Calm your drawers there hussy. First off, I want to know when and how this whole thing started.”

  “What difference does it make?”

  “Call it the wife’s need to know. If I’m gonna walk away from my marriage I need to have good reason now don’t I?”

  “If you must know I made the first move, but Travis was all for it, my snuggle bunny was starved for it. Oh and that thing you said this morning wasn’t very nice. We have a great sex life, just because he doesn’t do that thing you said…”

  I took the phone away from my ear. Was this bitch for real? She sounded like a recalcitrant sixteen year old. Had I really been worried about this idiot?

  I mouthed the words ‘what the fuck’ to the girls, before putting the phone back to my ear. I had planned to have a little fun with her, but this was just pathetic. Either she’d never done this before, this little shakedown, or she just never expected to be on the receiving end of a call from the wife. She certainly didn’t seem prepared. Dumber than a bag a hammers.

  "So you knew he was married."

  "Of course I knew, I've been traveling with the team for almost a year."

  "And by your own admission you're the one who went after him."

  "What difference does it make? This is the twenty first century, women don't have to wait for the man to make the first move any more. You really are stupid."

  "Uh huh! You have a proctologist little girl?"

  "No why?"

  "Because you're gonna need someone to remove my foot from your ass."

  Chapter 13

  I hung up the phone because really, what was the point? “You got the address too right Jilly?”

  “Oh shit, what’re we doing?”

  “Calm down Sandy, you don’t have to get out the truck, but I have to deal with this shit tonight.”

  “I’ll get out, I just wanna know what we’re doing.” She started rummaging through her purse for her inhaler; she gets asthma attacks at the first sign of trouble.

  “Sandy, maybe you should just head on home.” I was a little worried because her shit scares the crap outta me.

  “Are you crazy, and miss this? No way, I want in; just let me get a few puffs.” She pumped into her mouth while Jilessa started taking off her jewelry.

  Paulette put the truck in gear. “Where to Jilessa? let’s get this shit hopping.”

  “Well damn Paulette, give you a few martinis and you just shed the proper.”

  “If you only knew how much of this shit I put up with when Ron and I were first married; always some floosy trying to work her wiles. I was always too much the nice girl back then. Now I wanna flex my muscles.”

  “That’s right Ms. Paulette git ‘er done.” She and jilessa high-fived each other; the nuts.

  We drove out to the apartment complex, which was on the other side of town. Mind you, I had no idea how we were going to get this girl out her house, but I’ll figure it out. We decided to park a little ways down, after circling the block.

  It was coming on dark and the streets were relatively quiet. “Maybe we should just ring some random doorbell and see if they let us in.” That was Jilessa’s idea and it sounded good to me.

  “That might work.” We started walking up when Paulette grabbed my arm and pulled us up short. “Look at that.”

  “You have got to be shitting me. What the fuck, what’re they doing here?”

  We stood back and watched as Mary and her husband walked to the apartment complex. I was in a fugue for a hot minute, because nothing was making sense. Why were they here? How did they play into this shit?

  “That bitch…” Jilly started to pounce.

  “No Jilly wait, this changes shit; there’s something fishy as fuck going on here.” We watched from the hedges as Will kissed his wife goodbye and turned and walked back to his car.

  Will is the new kid on the block, he plays second string to Travis, and since my baby is the shit, the boy doesn’t really get any play. Though the few times I met him he seemed amiable enough, one of those good ole boys, just happy to make the team. I didn’t see him for this, so what the fuck?

  Chapter 14

  We tried Jilly’s trick and started pressing random door buzzers. We had a quick regroup in the lobby, but by then they were all as pissed as I was.

  “I can’t believe that asshole is part of this. After we accepted him into the fold and treated him like family.”

  “We don’t know that he’s involved Jilly.”

  “Fuck that; I say we break that dickless wonder’s kneecaps after we fry the wife.”

  There was no talking to her when she got like this, so there was no use to even try.

  We heard raised voices as soon as we reached the third floor. Keeping close to the wall, we made our way as quietly as possible towards the door.

  “Why are you such a fuck up? All you had to do was fuck him, make his life hell and get him out of the way. How fucking hard was that?”

  “The guy wasn’t interested, and now his wife’s calling me. And besides I kinda like him. The deal was that I would get to keep him, and after his life got back together he’d be back on the team.”

  “Willie only needs one shot. It’s not like I was asking you to destroy his career, but with a little shit on his rep, he wouldn’t be so high and mighty, and we could’ve used that. And how did she find out who you were anyway? I gave you the throwaway phone.”

  “I started to use it but then she was mean and I sent her pictures. I
guess she found out who I was and…”

  “Damn you really are an idiot. Now I have to put up with them for at least another year, while that smarmy bitch lords it over everyone because her husband is the top player in the league. I hate her, why should she have that spot? She’s not even blonde.”

  I looked at my companions and shook my head. I’d heard enough by the way. I walked up to the door and knocked. As soon as it was opened, I swung. I wasn’t really interested in which one of these bitches caught it at this point; they were all going the fuck down.

  “You sit your ass down, you’re next.” Jilly ordered Mary back into her chair when she tried to make a break for it. Paulette and Sandy blocked the doorway. Sandy was puffing away on her inhaler like it was a crack pipe, her eyes wide as saucers.

  Chapter 15

  I had the little bitch in a headlock and rained short jabs to her face. I guess I was madder than I thought, because usually when I fight, I talk shit. I was solely concentrating on breaking her fucking face.

  I thought about what she could’ve cost me if I’d been stupid enough to believe her. But what really pissed me off; was the way she tried to use my hubby. He’s a good guy and this bitch was trying to use it against him.

  “Get her off me.”

  “Shut the fuck up bitch, you wanted to play.” I threw her against the wall and punched her in her stomach for good measure. Meanwhile Mary was making enough noise to alert the masses. Jilessa popped her one.

  “Uh-uh Jilly that ass is mine.” I dropped the idiot and kicked her in her ribs before moving on to the next one.

  Paulette bent down and started questioning her. That was good because I needed a break. Mary was trying to climb up the back of the couch. I pulled her up by her hair.

  “Who sent you to fuck with me and my family?”

  “What, no one, I came here to talk some sense into the girl that’s all…”

  “You lying bitch.” I smacked her in the mouth and boy did things change. Her whole face and personality changed. Gone was the prim and proper Miss of a few short hours ago. In her place was the venomous snake that she truly was. She swung at me and caught me in the cheek.

  “Finally, a bitch that can throw down.” I circled her like a fighter in the ring. She looked around for an escape but my girls had the place on lock. She wasn’t going anywhere.

  I sucker punched her in the eye and posed up again. She made a sweeping kick and caught me in the knee. “Shit my four year old hits harder than that. Bring it bitch. Oh and by the way, your boy will never be as good as my man.”

  That enraged the idiot and she charged. I hate to say it as a woman, but I twat punched her. Yes I did. She dropped like a lodestone, holding her girlie bits.

  There was a ruckus at the door and the boys came charging in. “Oh shit.”

  “What the fuck? JANE who the fuck hit you in your face?” I wasn’t expecting that, I was expecting at the very least a lecture. There was mass pandemonium as everybody started talking at once. Coach took things under control by blowing his whistle. Did the man sleep with that damn thing?

  Me and my girls lined up together, a united front; while the two twats were trying to drag their asses off the floor. And in walked Will.

  “What’s going on?” He saw his wife on the floor bleeding and went over to her.

  “Oh my…Mary, what happened? Was there a robbery?” He turned to the rest of us. Poor guy, he was green as a tree stump.

  “No that, that person did this. I’m going to call the police and have you all arrested, and I want him off the team.” Delusional bitch.

  “Okay, what went on here?” Coach got in the middle.

  They started trying to talk over each other again. Lying out their asses. Meanwhile Travis was checking me for damage. “Baby.” I got a kiss on the cheek to make my boo-boo better. Then he hugged me and turned back to the others.

  “Wait let me…” Sandy started fiddling with her phone.

  “Shoot the kids taught me how to do this and…wait here we go.” She pressed a button and Mary’s voice came through loud and clear. Well it was a little tinny, but I don’t think anyone had any doubts as to what was being said and who was saying it.

  Funnily enough, all eyes were on Will. The look of horror on his face was enough to answer the question of whether or not he was involved. That, and the way he extricated himself from his darling wife and looked at her as if she were a stranger.

  Chapter 16

  “You did this…? You…”

  “I did it for us Willie, this was our big chance. You want to go back to your father’s farm for the rest of your stupid life? If you weren’t so blinded by hero worship for the big great Travis, you could’ve pushed for more playing time.”

  What a fucking horror show.

  “I’m sorry coach, I’ll be gone tomorrow.” He hung his head and I felt bad. I should’ve belted that bitch one more for him.

  “Where you going son?”

  “Well I, she…she’s my wife, she did all this.”

  “Boy if I was held accountable for all the hair-brained shit my wife gets up to when she’s with this lot, I’d never see the side of a football field again. In the same token, I can’t see punishing you for something you didn’t do.

  Now I can’t tell you what to do in your personal life, but as far as I can see, you haven’t given me any reason to pink slip you. What I will do is ban your wife from any and all things to do with my team. If she even drives by the field I’ll have her arrested. And I’ll be having that drawn up legal like first thing in the morning. I don’t know if Travis and Janey wants to press charges…”

  “Hell yeah I want to press charges.”

  “What?”

  “She hit you in the fucking face.”

  “Baby, I kinda hit her first.”

  “I don’t give a fuck she started this shit.” He made as if to go after her and I pulled him back by his arm.

  “Travis what are you doing?”

  “I’m going to pop her one, what do you think?”

  “You can’t hit a girl.”

  “Why not? She wants to play in the big leagues, let her get a taste. Plus she tried to single handedly destroy my marriage and my fucking career.” Oh boy, time to calm him down.

  Damien walked over to Will, while Josh, Sandy’s husband, was making her use her inhaler. He should tie that shit around her neck like a bell.

  “Come bro, I know a good divorce lawyer.”

  “Excuse me.” Jilessa followed them out the door.

  “I’m talking about my brother Jilessa, calm your ass down.”

  “Oh.”

  “Crazy heifer.”

  “Yo mama is the crazy heifer Damien Smalls.” They went off arguing.

  “You get any of that action Paulie bird?”

  “Nah, this was for our Janey, I was just along for ballast. But next time…”

  “What next time, they better not be a next time.” They walked out the door next. Sandy and Will looked at us with their arms wrapped around each other.

  “Come on Cap, let’s blow this joint.”

  “I’m right behind you Joshua.”

  “Uh, that would be negative. I’m not leaving you back here with these two idiots, we have enough shit to deal with as it is.”

  “Come on hubby let’s go see our babies. I miss them.”

  “I have to take care of your face first and other parts of you too. Then we’ll get the kids okay?”

  “Sure. I love you baby.”

  “I love you more.”

  “Hey Sand, you get any video on that thing or just the sound? I haven’t seen Jane put a beating on anyone since high school.”

  She went to fiddling again, oh boy.

  We walked out the door and never looked back.

  Two Months Later

  “Sandy, you put that shit on YouTube?”

  “What?”

  I was in my kitchen nursing my morning juice, since Travis put his foot down abo
ut my coffee intake. The idiot doctor told him that I couldn’t have any during my pregnancy.

  “Imagine my surprise when people started calling me at fuck o’clock in the morning, asking if I’m the lady in the video? What did you do?”

  “Oh crap, the boys had my phone. I didn’t even think it worked, I didn’t know what I was doing.”

  “It has over a million hits. Oh man Travis is gonna have my ass.”

  She got off the phone yelling for her little hellions. Oh well, it was saved for posterity anyway.

  THE END

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