by Jolene Perry
“I’m afraid to sleep, Dean. I’m afraid to move, to not move…” My body feels like it’ll crack apart if I let myself relax.
“Come on.” He starts with my backpack, helping me slide it off my shoulders. Then he takes my jacket and unzips my hoodie. “Wait, you are decent under there, right?” He tries to chuckle.
“Would you care if I wasn’t?” I’m really trying hard to show him I’m okay. But I’m not sure if I’m okay.
“You’d care. So yes, I care, too.” He reaches out and touches my face, letting his hand slide down my neck.
For the first time I let myself enjoy it, enjoy his touch. It’s as if his fingers melt through me, touch me more deeply than I thought possible.
“Addison.”
I turn to look at him.
“Are you okay?”
“No.” I shake my head. Tears start falling. I’ve never let myself be like this around someone before—this vulnerable. He’s all I have right now. I know this realization should have hit me a lot sooner, but he really is it. We’re too new for this. “I’m so tired.”
He breathes out as he takes me in his arms. A slow, relaxed breath. It’s designed to calm me. “Let’s get you tucked in.”
I shrug out of my hoodie and he’s right. I feel better. Like I can breathe again. “I’ll be right back.” Maybe doing something normal will help me.
The bathroom lighting is horrible. I look terrible. Pale. My eyes are red and my hair is a mess. I twist my hair to pull it out of the way and splash scalding water on my face. I finger brush my teeth with terrible tasting toothpaste from the hotel. A little better.
“My turn?” Dean smiles as I step out of the bathroom.
It hits me again how tied together we are. How long have I known him? Not long. A little over a month? Two if you could an encounter at the courthouse I barely remember.
I pull back the sheets and the spoiled, vain side of me comes out. I can’t believe I’m sleeping in a Super 8.
And then Dean comes out of the bathroom, completely distracting me.
“Normally I sleep in my boxers. I didn’t think you’d appreciate that so…” He’s in shorts. No shirt. Shorts.
Wow, how can he be distracting me this way right now?
He looks away quickly. “Sorry, I have a few T-shirts.”
I don’t say anything. I watch his lean frame bend over and dig through his pack. He pulls out a white tee and slides it on. “Okay?”
“Whatever, Dean. I don’t… I mean… Anything I say will just put my foot further in my mouth at this point, right?”
He laughs and pulls back the sheets off his bed.
My chest sinks a little. “Would… I mean…” I’m afraid to be alone, but there’s no good way to ask. Nope. Too hard. I look down. A blush creeps up my cheeks.
He sits on my bed. His hand traces the edges of the hair around my face. “I promise to behave myself if you want to share.”
“Thank you.” I scoot over, and he slides in next to me.
He faces me, our noses almost touching, and I can feel myself drifting off. The sheets feel cool on my hot skin and the smell of him relaxes me. Maybe I do trust Dean.
I may be tired but my brain has too much to think about, to worry about. My dreams are restless and filled with shadow people and Dean and a boat I’ve only seen in photographs.
* * *
Dean’s at the small table, leaning over a map he got from the desk drawer in our hotel room. The light from the window’s hitting the side of his head sending reflections off his dark hair. I’m lying on my stomach in the bed we shared last night, watching him. The peaceful morning is such a contrast to our night. There’s an ache in my chest over Ellie and the feeling I’m being somehow betrayed by my dad, but I know how few answers we have right now. At least we have a mission, a destination.
His eyes meet mine, and he smiles. “Morning.”
“Morning.” I take a deep breath in. I just spent the night with Dean. I want to revel in that thought and feeling for a moment. We slept next to one another, and there was no sex involved. This is a first for me, and I kind of wonder if it’s a first for him, too.
“I feel bad even asking right now, but do you remember anything else, Addie? From last night?” He leans on the table and looks at me sideways.
I frown. “You just ruined my buzz.”
“Your buzz?”
“Yeah, we…” Never mind. I’ll just feel stupid if I start telling him that I’m glad we’re together. I stretch my mind back to the conversation I overheard. “He said something about bringing me in. Something about eighteen suddenly not seeming so old. He’s not their boss, Dean. I mean, he may be somewhere in the middle, but he’s not the boss.” My chest sinks.
“Anything else?”
“He figured that you’d be easy to get, once they had me.” So cold. Calculating. My dad. I wonder how often I’ll have that same thought. It feels like I lost him but almost worse. Being betrayed is worse. I stare at the floor. I can’t believe this is happening.
“You said something earlier?” His mouth pulls into a crooked smile. “About a buzz?” He stands up and then kneels on the floor in front of me.
I’m sure my morning breath is awful, but I push myself toward him so I can kiss his cheek. “Thank you, Dean. I feel safe with you.”
“Good.” His dark eyes soften me as he runs his fingers through my hair.
He slowly stands and goes back to studying his map. “It’s about two hundred miles from here to DC and then about that much, maybe more to the Carolinas, I mean, we’re not sure where we’re headed yet, exactly…” He sighs.
“Okay.” I’m watching him. He has on his tee from last night but the sun’s shining from behind him and I can see the contours of his body shadowed through his shirt. The tingles start in my chest and move to my stomach, then lower again. I force a breath out and shift my weight a few times to dispel the tension.
“We can’t fly and we can’t take trains because—”
“Of the ID requirement and the paper trail,” I finish for him.
“Right.” His eyes are still on the map.
“And renting a car is out for the same reason.” I’m formulating a plan.
“Right.”
“We could buy some piece of crap, right?” Can you even buy a car for as little as we have? I have no idea.
“What?”
“I mean, we could try to play like Huck Finn and jump a ride on the rail road, but getting caught doing something like that—”
“Would be bad.”
“Yes.” I’m smiling widely. “I would know.”
“How much money do you have?”
“Just over four thousand. Do you think we could find something that runs for two?”
“I’m hardly needed.” He stands up and once again kneels on the floor next to the bed.
“I’ve felt this compulsion for a long time to save. So I have.” It’s the easiest explanation, probably because it’s the most real one. “And I could never do this alone.”
“You underestimate your strength, Addie.” I see his shoulders fall as he begins to relax. “It’ll still be hard to get down there, and we need to think about money once we’re there, too.”
“I’ll see if I can pull out cash this morning. One big withdraw in Jersey won’t be too telling, right?”
“Can you believe we’re in this mess?” A corner of his mouth pulls up and his dark eyes hit mine again.
“No.” I stretch. “I need a shower.” And to not think about the mess we’re in.
“Need help with that?” He smirks.
“I appreciate your concern, but I’ve managed alone in the shower for years.” I grab my pack, having no idea what I packed for myself and head into the bathroom. “Nice try, though.” I laugh as I shut the door.
This is how we’re coping right now I guess. We’re going to flirt with one another and tease one another, and that’s totally okay with me.
* * *
Of course I didn’t think to bring shampoo. I’m sure whatever they have here is crap, but better than nothing. After riding in two cabs last night for who knows how long, my hair must be scrubbed.
The hot water feels amazing. Calming, soothing. I let it wash over me.
“We don’t have forever, Princess.” Dean laughs as he knocks on the bathroom door.
The name hits my chest. Chase’s name for me. “You can’t call me that.” I hit the water off.
“Sorry,” he yells. “I didn’t mean this second. Check-out time is eleven, I just—”
“It’s fine.” My voice snaps at him more than I mean it to. I wrap the towel under my arms and slow my heart down. Addie. Get a grip on yourself. It’s just a name. A name that brings two years of complete idiocy. I snatch the tiny white blow-dryer off the wall. My hair may look like crap today, but my bangs are going to be smooth. It beats thinking about the growing list of things I don’t want to think about.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Dean
So, Addie’s stashed four thousand dollars, and I’m not supposed to call her Princess.
As close as I’d like to think we are, we’re not. Not yet. We know the big stuff about one another, but it’s the everyday hangout stuff I’m still lost on. I don’t know what she eats, what she watches…
“I’m ready.” She steps out of the bathroom, hair up, bangs down, snug jeans, small tank and bare feet.
I can’t breathe. “You’re stunning.”
She lets out a laugh. “Well, we’re going to have a money problem because I can’t keep using hotel shampoo and that blow dryer was terrible. I also feel naked because all I have is my emergency mascara and lipgloss.”
I’m really wishing I could call her Princess after that remark.
“I’m sure you’ll live.”
“I will.” She breathes in. “It’s actually amazing how little you need, right? But I have no idea what I’m going to do when my two outfits are dirty.”
“You wear your pj’s and go to a Laundromat.”
“What?”
I laugh. “You’ve probably never been to a real Laundromat.”
“Nope.” She frowns almost like in apology.
“Come on.” I’m packed and ready. “Let’s get out of here and—”
“See how far we can go today?”
I smile.
“Dean?” She takes my arm.
“Yeah.” I turn to look at her. She’s so close.
“Thank you.” Her lips touch mine and it’s electricity. In seconds I’m pressed against her slim body and wondering if I’ll ever get enough.
* * *
We’re driving south in a teal green 1993 Subaru station wagon we purchased from an old guy who smelled like cigarettes in front of a Kroger. Going to any kind of dealer would have created a trail. All we hope right now is that our car will run until we get to North Carolina to catch the ferry, meet up with Landon, the goldilocks girl and their boat, Moonshadow. We both feel good about Knotts Island so we’ll be checking there first. We’re probably ahead of Landon and the girl, but the pressure to get as far away from New York as possible weighs on both of us.
“So, we just keep checking the temp, right?” Addie leans from her side of the car.
“Yeah, coolant leak. We’ll be okay unless we get stuck in traffic.”
“Right.”
The car is a piece of crap, but it should get us there. We have a couple hundred miles to D.C. and without her saying anything, I know Addie wants to be somewhere before it gets dark.
She turns up the radio. The day is sunny and if we weren’t running both to and from something, well, and our car was decent, this would be nice.
Wait. “The Beach Boys?” I’m laughing.
Her smile is wide. “My sister and I used to play this as loud as we could next to the pool in the summers. My granddad always brought his music with him. We loved it.”
I reach over and take her hand in mine. It’s better today, less desperate. She can read me when we’re like this so I concentrate on relaxing, on picturing her and her sister by the pool screaming the lyrics of Wouldn’t It Be Nice for a granddad who was probably thrilled that his music got played by his granddaughters. Addie sings out loud to oldies tune after oldies tune and I watch the gas, the temperature and the rearview mirror.
Miles pass. We break out into small bits of countryside, the people who want to say they live near D.C., but don’t want the dirt of the city on them. The people who have houses the size of hotels.
I glance at the clock and the mileage. “Okay, Addie?”
“Yeah?” She turns down the radio but her smile is still intact.
“I think we should stop just north of the city.”
“Already?”
“At this rate, we’ll hit D.C. at rush hour. If we get stuck in traffic, it might take a long time. I’d rather not travel in the dark.” The vision of that person who wasn’t quite a person hits me again and I shudder. I’m immediately angry at myself for not hiding it better when Addie’s smile disappears.
“I hoped we’d get further.” Her mouths pulls into a frown and disappointment pulses off of her.
“We got a late start today with sleeping in and buying this piece of crap car. We’ll get the rest of the way tomorrow if we get up early, but I also think we should sleep a ways off the main freeway.”
“I guess I agree.” She pulls her knees to her chest in the passenger’s seat and leans her head against the window. Her happy mood and oldie songs are over.
“We’re okay, Addie.” I touch her knee.
“Thanks, Dean.”
I hate this. I should have just made the decision on my own and saved her from feeling the way she feels now.
“Annapolis isn’t too far out of the way and there’s a large harbor there. We could check for Landon and the girl.” Maybe that’ll brighten her up.
“Do you think they’re further down?” She’s still frowning, putting things together in her head that I’ve been trying not to think about all day.
“I know nothing about sailing, Addie. I read somewhere online when I was researching, that it takes almost 30 hours to sail from New York to Florida, but that seems way fast. We’ll just check. If they’ve come and gone, we’ll know.” I just need to stay relaxed about it in the meantime.
“If they come into this harbor.”
Right. “Well, there’s more than one.” But I really wish we had more to go on. We’ll probably spend a portion of the night calling all the harbors in the area. It would be really nice to not have to drive this thing all the way to the Carolinas.
* * *
I know we can’t really afford a nice hotel, but I’m doing it anyway, especially if we’re going to do the rest of the trip in one day. It’s not terribly far, but when you’re as stressed as we’ve been, time feels different. It took a thousand bucks as a deposit to not have to give a credit card, and a little touch of convincing from me. But at least there’s still no trail of us after Jersey.
“Are you sure, Dean?” Addie’s smiling as we step into our room. It’s on the water and overlooks what’s one of several harbors.
“Yeah. It’s just one night and I bet they have better shampoo here,” I tease.
She leans up and kisses me on the cheek as we set down our packs.
My first order of business is to start calling harbors. On the fourth, I catch a break.
“I’m looking for the sailing vessel, Moonshadow?”
“The young kids?” he asks.
I sit up tall in my chair. Addie’s immediately still next to me, listening.
I have to swallow twice before I can get out the words. “Yeah, them.”
“They left this morning.”
Damn. “Did they say what port they were headed to?”
“Uh, yeah… Let me check.”
We wait, holding our breath.
“Cape Fear, in Wilmington, North Carolina.”
The air is pun
ched out of my lungs. It takes me another moment to find my voice. Cape Fear… “Perfect, and that’s a guy named Landon and the girl’s name I always forget…”
“Micah.”
“Thanks.” I laugh. I keep laughing as I hang up a bit amazed they used their real names. Or maybe Micah and Landon aren’t their real names? Or maybe they want us to find them that bad. And Cape Fear. Maybe they’re trying to tell us something. But who else will find us if they left information like that?
“They’re as afraid as we are.” Addison’s eyes meet mine.
It sends a chill through me. Is finding them actually moving forward? “Let’s go for a walk and get dinner, while there’s still some light.”
She leans away from me, hesitant.
“Come on, Addie. Stretch our legs. It’ll be nice.” I hold my hand out for her to take.
* * *
The harbor in front of our hotel is quiet. The sun’s starting to go down, but there’s still plenty of light. I know nothing about boats. I don’t care. I’m watching Addie, my hand in hers. We’re walking up the docks, looking at boats, and enjoying time together where we feel like we don’t have to run.
She breathes in deeply. “Doesn’t the salty air just make you feel…alive?”
“I guess.” I’m not feeling it though, not the way she is. Her face looks more peaceful than I’ve ever seen it.
She’s looking around. I’m looking at her.
In ways Addie’s been taking care of herself for a long time. Her parents aren’t around much. She has a little sister she looks out for. But at the same time she’s also been spoiled, sheltered. She’s never used a Laundromat.
I think about Chase and how he took the freedom from her that most people our age should have. She spent so much energy on him. It makes me feel guilty for wanting to have something with her. Am I just going to rob her of growing up time? Does she need it? Does she want it?
“Hey, Dean?” She stops us and smiles.
“Yeah?”
Her blue eyes pierce me, even now, and I wonder if I’ll ever get used to them.
“I don’t mean to pull you out of your daydream over there…”