My Stepbrother, the Artist

by Sybil Ling

  Now the tears are coming, and Diana can feel them running out of her eyes, falling down to land on the pathway between her feet.

  “But what about my feelings?” Diana asks, her voice cracking. “Didn’t you ever think that it wasn’t just about sex for me? I mean … I could have been anybody else to you. It wouldn’t have mattered. Just so long as you had someone to fuck.”

  At the top of her vision she sees the slow, side-to-side motion as Zach shakes his head.

  “I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else,” he says. “I only wanted you.”

  “But …” and now she raises her head up, looking into his dry eyes with her wet ones. “But what about … before? Before we left home. What happened then?”

  Zach grimaces, as though bracing himself to say something something he doesn’t want to, and as he finally closes his eyes and lowers his head down, his hands also let go of Diana’s wrists. She’s free to go, and she draws her hands back close to her, but she stays right where she is, needing to hear his response.

  “Diana … what has my father said to you about my biological mother?”

  Diana furrows her brow.

  “Nothing,” she says. “He hasn’t told me anything.”

  Zach gives a nod, as though having expected that answer.

  “Diana, my mother was … not well, when I was a child. She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was only seven, and even though we tried to keep her in the house for as long as possible, eventually … we had to institutionalize her. I was 13 when that happened.”

  “Oh my God,” Diana says, her voice low. Her tears have stopped now as she listens to Zach’s story.

  “She ended up becoming somebody else, close to the end,” he tells her. “Not the woman I remember from when I was little. This woman, she wasn’t my mother. I remember my mother being a warm, inviting, loving sort of woman. She was somebody who I could curl up on the couch with and know that everything was going to be all right. But this new person …” he shakes his head again, as though he still can’t believe it, “… she couldn’t stand to be around me.

  “I started making jokes, you know? To try to lighten the mood, or at least make things not seem so serious like they always were. People always laughed at school whenever I made jokes about my mom’s illness, and it was nice to hear them laugh, even though it always hurt me a bit inside to say those things about her. But I soon got over that, and the jokes became more natural. Everybody thought I was hilarious, so why should I stop?

  “I remember this one time, it was shortly after her diagnosis and she was still in the house, when I tried to get my mom to help me put on a Band-Aid. I think I had scraped my knee or something, I was crying. I must have been … nine? Ten? Anyways, I was crying and I went to my mom with the Band-Aid in hand, asking if she could put it on for me.

  “She started screaming at me. It was so sudden, I actually got shocked and stopped crying for a second. She sounded like a dog barking more than anything, that part I remember clearly. And then she was crying, begging for me to go away, and so I ran. I ran all the way up to my room and I closed my door because I didn’t want to be mad at me anymore. I could hear my father going in there, yelling at her to calm down, and the two of them fighting as a result.

  “I think that was the moment when I realized that she wasn’t the same person I grew up with, and that she would never get any better. I stopped saying ‘I love you’ to her, because I really didn’t, not anymore. I didn’t love that person that she had become. I didn’t know who she was. I told myself that if my real mother ever did come back, I would hug her and hold her and tell her that I loved her over and over again. But that never happened, and that woman only got sicker and sicker, until finally, like I said, she went away. It was two years after that that she died in the institution, alone.”

  Zach finally looks up, and Diana’s eyes are streaming with tears again, but for a different reason this time. His eyes are still dry, although they have a haggard, far-away look to them. He takes in a deep breath and continues:

  “I’ve talked to so many therapists since I started going to university, Diana, you have no idea. All of them focus on my relationship with my mother, and I can understand why, now. Because I have a problem. A blockage, they call it. I can’t … tell anyone …” Zach swallows, seeming to have trouble speaking this next part. He licks his lips. “I have trouble saying … that I love anyone. Even my father. Even with him, I have trouble saying it — not to mention any woman I’m seeing or sleeping with. All through university, all the affairs I had, they all ended for the same reason: I could never say that to a woman. Not one.

  “Except you.”

  Zach’s eyes focus on Diana’s as she blinks, frozen, the last two words he said hitting her like a sledgehammer.

  “But …” she says. “But you’ve never …”

  “I know,” Zach says quickly, cutting her off. “I know. I know that.” He takes a quick breath and lets it out. “Diana, when our parents got married, I honestly wasn’t that happy about it at all. I mean, you were only thirteen when we moved in here, just this little kid, I didn’t want some kid sister hanging around me, bugging me all the time.

  “And that’s exactly what I got.” He lets out a sharp laugh, sounding strange in the context. “For a while, at least. God, how you annoyed me. But then I started to get to know you, and we spent time together and I realized that you were actually kind of cool. My friends from high school were all spending their time worrying about getting into good universities, getting good careers, which places in the suburbs they wanted to buy their houses. But that was all boring to me, and I didn’t want to think about all that. With you around, I found myself feeling like a kid again, and it didn’t matter. And then, when you showed me this room,” he looks around, “I think that was the moment that I finally let go, and I realized that I actually felt like you were my sister. My real sister.

  “And then we kept growing up, and you got older, and I started seeing you turn into this woman more and more. I knew you would be beautiful …” (Diana only grimaces the tiniest bit, hearing that word) “… and you were. And seeing you become a model, with all of those guys clamouring after you … I felt jealous. It was weird: at first I thought I was just feeling protective. But no, it was jealousy. I was jealous because I wanted you for my own, and I didn’t want anybody else to be with you.”

  Zach takes a deep breath again and lets it out.

  “That night, when our parents were gone and we got drunk. That night I …” he swallows, “… I felt so confused. I know that we were drunk, but I was certain that I was thinking straight. We were alone. And I wanted you, Diana. I wanted you so, so much.

  “And then, that morning when we woke up together and we were under the blanket, and I remembered what we did, I felt so bad. I felt like I’d taken advantage of you. Like I’d raped you. I mean, I was thinking clearly the night before — you were always more of a lightweight than I was. I should have stopped what we did, and I didn’t. I let it happen.

  “I was wracked with guilt, Diana, I just wanted to run away. I did run away — I ran away to my own apartment, where I locked myself up with my work and I got drunk and I went to art parties and I tried to sleep with enough women so that I could get you out of my head.

  “But it didn’t work. I always thought about you. I saw you in the papers, and in the ads, and I was so happy for you, but I didn’t have the nerve to call you up, to say hi, congratulations on the magazine ad, whatever. And I still couldn’t say it. I still couldn’t say those words to anyone, those three little words. They get caught up on my tongue and in my throat, and I just … can’t say it …”

  Zach gives a wet sniff and takes a deep, shuddering breath. His eyes are still dry, although Diana’s are wet and blurry, still looking up at him. He focuses on her, the two of them holding their gaze for a long time before Zach speaks again.

  “I’m glad we’re here together, Diana,” he says. “I’m gl
ad we’re back in this house together. I wish it were under better circumstances. I wish our parents weren’t sick. But it brought us together again, and because of that I’m glad.” He reaches forward and grabs onto both of Diana’s hands with both of his. “I’m glad.”

  Diana sniffs wetly herself and finally smiles up at him, blinking through tear-speckled eyelashes.

  “I’m glad too,” she says. “I missed you so much, Zach. That night, when we were kids … I don’t regret that night either. I knew what I was doing, and I was so happy that it had happened. When you left I felt so sad, I missed you so much, and I wanted you back. But I couldn’t make myself call you, or send you an e-mail, or even message you on Facebook. I didn’t want to take the chance at ruining what we had by finding out that you didn’t actually want it to happen.

  “And then when we got back here and we finally … went to bed again … I was so happy. It was exactly what I wanted, even after four years of loneliness and longing for you. We were together again, and it was everything that I wanted in the world.”

  Zach is looking at her intently now, his eyes wider than usual.

  “Wait,” he says, his voice sounding breathy. “Wait, do you mean …” He blinks at her. “You wanted me too?”

  Diana smiles and lets out a laugh.

  “Yes, you idiot!” she says, unable to stop herself from smiling now. “Haven’t you been listening to what I’ve been saying? Yes, I wanted you. I still want you, Zach. Zach … I’m in love with you.”

  The words are followed by a ringing silence, like a bomb that’s just gone off. Zach stares at Diana, stunned. Diana stares right back, trying to gauge Zach’s expression, her breathing stopped as she waits for his response.

  Then, finally:

  “You … you’re in lo- …” he breathes out, “with me?”

  Diana smiles and squeezes Zach’s hands, and he looks down at this, incredulous, as though he’d forgotten they were holding hands. When he looks back up Diana sees a smile beginning to form on his lips.

  “All this time,” he says, and his smile grows bigger. “I had no …”

  Suddenly Diana leans forward, planting her lips on Zach’s. His eyes widen for a second, not expecting this, but they close as she feels her stepbrother’s mouth move against hers, his tongue slipping between their lips, meeting hers inside of her mouth, making them dance together.

  Zach takes a step forward, shortening the distance between them. Diana feels him let go of her hands only to wrap his arms around her, pulling her close to him, pressing her body up against his. Diana feels overwhelmed by this intensity, the suddenness of it all. She wraps her arms around Zach, holding him closely. His hands are running up and down her back as he breathes heavily out through his nose, his lips working hard into Diana’s.

  They hold each other tightly, and Zach’s strong arms feel as though he’s going to lift Diana clean up off her feet. His kisses are intense — much more intense than they were before — and Diana’s head is swimming from it all. Their kisses are so strong, so intense, when they were at each other’s throats not five minutes before.

  Suddenly, one of Zach’s hands runs up along Diana’s spine and she feels a fluttering wave spread throughout her arms and legs, turning her muscles to jelly. Her knees give out, but Zach’s reaction is quick as he tightens his hold and keeps Diana up with only his arms.

  Placing his hands on her back again, he slowly lowers her down, Diana feeling her legs bending beneath her as she’s laid down upon the gravel path. The tiny rocks crunch underneath her weight and Zach’s as he lowers himself down to meet her, their bodies lying in parallel, their mouths still locked together in a kiss.

  Zach rests his weight on his one hand, leaving his other free to explore his stepsister’s front. She reaches up to cradle the back of his head as he traces his fingers along her stomach, up to between her breasts, circling around them and causing her nipples to stiffen against her t-shirt.

  She tightens her grip on the back of his head, feeling his hair between her fingers. Pulling his head down closer to hers, their lips press hard together as their tongues dance that sacred dance that only those two things know. Zach’s hand moves down to the bottom of her shirt, slipping underneath it, travelling up again as Diana arches her back, making the fabric around her slack enough for him to move with ease.

  She feels his fingertips brush against the bottom of her breasts, sliding lightly back and forth, and her body yearns for more. There’s a tightness in her chest, a longing that’s building inside of her loins. Zach’s hand slides a little farther up, and a little farther up, finally honing in on Diana’s nipple and making her gasp as he brushes against it, then moves over to the other to give it the same treatment. Diana’s cheeks flush with desire.

  An entire hand cups one of her breasts and she feels him massage her, the tiny, hard bud in the centre rubbing against the strong palm of his hand. Zach is breathing deeply through his nose, and he’s moving his body against hers, shifting it on the gravel, his hips bucking forwards and back. She moans and moves herself against him, feeling the hardness at Zach’s waist pushing into the side of her thigh.

  There’s a slight dampness at the point of fabric where he’s pressing into her, and her heart skips a beat at the thought of it. Taking her hand down from the back of her stepbrother’s head, she lowers it to that thing between his legs and touches him there, feeling the stiffness of it, the length and size of him that’s yearning, waiting for her — just for her.

  Breathing heavily herself, Diana wraps her fingers around as much of her stepbrother’s cock as she can, hearing him moan against her lips in response. His hand begins to move harder on her chest and she pushes up to meet him, rubbing that hardness more, making him buck against her with a straining moan.

  Zach’s hand leaves Diana’s breast, and her instinct is to push her chest up to try to capture him, keeping him there. But she feels him slide it down to her stomach, past her waist, and suddenly he grabs onto the space between her legs and makes her gasp, audibly this time.

  A moan leaves Diana’s lips as her stepbrother begins to rub along her pussy, his hand working hard, igniting the flames of passion within her clit and loins that she wasn’t even aware were smouldering, waiting for him to quench. Her body writhes on the gravel pathway, the tiny rocks crunching and gritting together beneath her. Her hand rubs faster against Zach’s cock as he does the same to her. Her hips begin to move on their own, pushing up to meet him. She feels herself wanting him, needing him to touch her directly, to feel her, to fill her, to be inside of her.

  As though reading her mind, Zach slides his hand up and past Diana’s clit one last time before finding the front clasp of her shorts. His nimble fingers start to undo them as she hurriedly works the same on his, undoing his belt, zipping the front of his shorts down and feeling his cock inside of his boxers, throbbing against her fingertips.

  Just as Diana grabs onto the side of Zach’s shorts and starts shimmying them down, she feels her stepbrother’s fingers against her pubic hair and she lifts her hips up off the ground, allowing him to do to her what she’s doing to him.

  They both struggle a little, each wiggling their hips from side to side as the other undresses them, their lips locked together the entire time.

  Diana feels the head of Zach’s cock spring out of the confines of his clothing as he gets her shorts and panties down to her thighs. She continues to push his down his thighs as the way goes easier for her clothes, reaching her knees and calves quickly. Kicking them off the rest of the way and letting the useless things fall at her feet, Diana grabs onto Zach’s cock and hears him moan as she pulls him over top of her, opening her legs at the same time, feeling the warm and humid air combat with the heady wetness of her own aching pussy.

  He feels amazing in her hand, with his weight shifting to be on top of her, and as she pulls him towards her she can hear Zach’s shoes scrabbling in the gravel, trying to find a solid purchase on the unreliable groun
d. But finally he pushes himself up to meet her and she feels him, him, there against her swollen lips, the heat of his body and the hardness of his cock just teasing her, the moments before that sweet connection stretching on for an eternity as he toys with her, keeps himself just beyond the reach of her grasp.

  And then, with a suddenness she could never have expected, Zach pushes himself up into his stepsister all at once and Diana somehow cries out and gasps at the same time, her body igniting with a pleasure she’d never known before.

  Zach reaches up and entwines his fingers into Diana’s hair, holding onto her tightly, kissing her again as he starts moving into her, thrusting himself and pumping in and out of her. He moves slowly at first, the two of them starting to make love, but Diana can feel a tension between them beginning to grow, like a hot air balloon that threatens to take over the entire space, themselves included.

  Zach is moving slowly, but it’s a forced slowness. She can feel his muscles harden against her; can hear the strained moans hiding just below his breath. She feels like he wants to go in faster, but for some reason he’s not. His slowness is insane, drawing pleasure into Diana in a constant trickling flow, and that tension that’s building is only helping to intensify the ecstasy that she’s experiencing.

  Diana can hear Zach’s breathing coming out roughly through his nose. Something is happening, something strange, and it’s not until Diana feels warm droplets land on her upper cheeks that she opens her eyes and sees that Zach, with his eyes shut tight, is actually crying.

  Diana, aghast, pulls her mouth away from her stepbrother’s lips.

  “Zach,” she says, and the sound of her voice causes Zach to open his eyes. He looks down at her, a panicky expression on his face, and she can see shining, tiny droplets collected along his eyelashes. “Zach, what’s wrong?” she asks. “You’re crying.”

  Zach doesn’t answer right away. He’s not moving into her anymore, just waiting inside of her instead, the two of them staring intensely into one another’s eyes. Diana is trying to figure out what his expression is telling her; she’s trying to figure out what she can do to make it better.