#Help

by Rae Earl

  I nearly choke. Danny Trudeau is sitting next to me.

  “Ah, gone for the safe option today. The sturdy wrap. If it falls, it falls as ONE.”

  My mouth and brain sort of refuse to work together. I just stare.

  Danny carries on. “I was thinking about what you said last night. I like #Help and I don’t want you to stop vlogging. It’s … interesting. It’s something new and it’s different. I get kinda bored with all the make-up stuff or the wacky prankster vloggers. I think it’s great you’re so real.”

  (This is just what Bradley said – he was RIGHT!)

  “It’s sweet to want to help people out. It’s a hard world. It’s nice to watch something that makes you laugh – especially after moving here and not knowing anyone. You know I think the dinosaurs died out because they had no TV and died of boredom.”

  “Really?” This is the only word I manage to say. I must look really confused.

  “Yeah.” Danny smiles. “Just think, at the end of a hard day chasing stuff, you just want to get back to your cave and watch something.”

  At first I don’t laugh because I don’t really get it. Then I remember – that vlog where I said that dinosaurs died out about because they didn’t embrace feminism…

  “Oh. Yeah.” I’m in a panic. “They did need TV. They needed a show featuring a really glamorous family of brontosauruses. They could call it Keeping up with the Jurassics or something.”

  This isn’t meant to be a brilliantly hilarious joke but Danny tilts his head back and howls like a maniac. He laughs so loudly that basically everyone who wasn’t looking is now looking.

  Including Erin. She’s staring at us HARD.

  Oh, please don’t talk to me when she’s looking.

  “Anyway,” Danny interrupts my head panic. “I just wanted to tell you that. It’s neat. You’re neat. And I like what you said about falling over not being the end of the world. It’s not. It’s just falling over. Life is falling over, you know, and getting back up again.”

  So he’s not just good-looking, he’s sensible too. And a philosopher. I clearly want to snog him immediately. Like now. But instead, I say, “Thanks, Danny. That’s … good.”

  I can’t really concentrate because now BRADLEY is walking up to my table looking really grumpy.

  Danny quickly leaves and Bradley sits down. “Are you two going out?”

  “No!” I sort of half yell and half whisper. “He just wanted to tell me I was … neat.”

  “Good!” Bradley snaps. I stare at him.

  Bradley sees me looking at him in a strange way. “Well, I don’t think you’d enjoy going out with a Canadian. He’ll probably fly back there soon and I know from my lift contacts that Canadians are very … different. They probably hide behind all those maple leaves and do their dating in forests.”

  I think this is Bradley trying to be funny. It’s not really.

  “Bradley, he was only being nice. He’s interested in the vlog. Right, I’ve just got to go and ask Gracie where she gets her mascara from. It wouldn’t run in a monsoon. It’s EPIC!”

  I know any make-up talk will send Bradley away nicely. And it does.

  I leave the canteen. As I turn the corner to the main block of the school, my path is blocked. What blocks me is solid, tall and very scary. Glossy lips shine like very dangerous Olympic ski slopes. Teeth as white as gourmet ice cream frozen with liquid nitrogen gleam at me.

  It’s Erin.

  “Millie Porter,” she says. “It’s time you and me had a talk.”

  #SHOWDOWN

  Erin does her beautiful head tilt and snarls. She’s whispering, but to me her message is loud and clear.

  “You think you’re cool. You’re not.”

  I go all pathetic. “I don’t think I’m cool at all.”

  “Yes, you do,” she whispers. “But YOU are small. My vlog has already had thousands of views. No one wants to see you giving us your advice. Who do you think you are?”

  This makes me angry and I have an attack of the braves.

  “I’ve had loads of views too. And I know you’ve looked at my vlogs because of your Instagram. And I think you’ve been doing some enormous trolling.”

  Erin tilts her head to the other equally glamorous side. We should ALL be over girl-on-girl hate but Erin makes it impossible.

  “The trolling is nothing to do with me,” she growls. “I don’t mind telling you what I think of you to your face. Do you know what people say about you behind your back? That you’re DULLSVILLE! That you’re a spoon. That you think not wearing make-up is a new thing that makes you some kind of amazing rebel. You’re not going to change the world and get a prize, Millie. It’s all been done. And people are doing it BETTER.”

  I start to lose it now. “I KNOW. All I’m trying to do is help people because I’m dull and sensible, Erin! And because being around you has totally taught me how to deal with twonks who only love themselves and want to make other people’s lives a misery.”

  And then Erin goes all Disney evil queen and says, “I can destroy you. Never forget it. Leave this to the people who actually know what they’re doing and have something to say. Leave Instagramming to people who want to make this world look better, not worse. Basically, Millie BORING Porter – WIND IT IN, DO ONE and DISAPPEAR!”

  She still isn’t finished though.

  “Oh, and don’t for one second think that Danny is interested in you. We’re going bowling after school this week. That was a pity chat. He’s a nice boy and he feels SORRY for you. Not attracted to you. Boys like him would never go out with girls like you. This isn’t cute fairy-tale land where the gorgeous boy likes the clever girl. Go and have your happy ending with the lift geek. You can spend your time pressing buttons and misusing the emergency bell. Thrilling!”

  Then Erin Breeler glides off.

  My mind tries to find lots of amazing things to say. I reach right into my brain but I’ve got nothing. So I stand there like the goldfish Dave brought in from someone’s pond once. All tragic and flapping and gasping for air. Erin has played with me like Dave played with that fish and now she’s dumped me in the kitchen by the microwave, expecting someone else to clean me up.

  I’m destroyed.

  I’m having a full-on attack.

  I need to get away NOW.

  #ESCAPE

  I rush to the Zen loo. My heart is pumping like it would if I’d been in a situation of extreme terror. I’ve googled this. It’s very unlikely I will die from this Erin attack – it just feels like it at the moment. I splash water on my face and breathe in deep breaths. And then I go into a cubicle and cry and cry till my face probably looks like a red-lipped batfish.

  WHERE IS LAUREN WHEN I NEED HER?! Trust her to have the flu when I’m having a minor meltdown.

  When I leave, Bradley is waiting for me AGAIN. “Do you need more toilet roll, Millie?”

  “No, I’m OK,” I sniff. “How did you know I was here?”

  “I guessed,” Bradley whispers. “The whole school is talking about it. There’s a photo of you and Erin. It was a Snapchat but it’s been screengrabbed. I think she probably had someone waiting to take it. It was a planned attack. An ambush.”

  “Is it bad?” I don’t really want to know the answer.

  “No, it just looks like you’re talking.”

  “We weren’t. She went for me.”

  “Of course she did, Millie! You are totally being successful just being you and you’re getting attention. Sometimes, getting bombed is a sign of success!”

  I sniff. I can’t stop crying.

  “I think I’m the stupidest person in the world. I don’t feel wise any more.”

  Bradley smiles at me and gives me a big hug. It’s surprisingly nice being hugged by Bradley. “No, you’re not stupid. I’ve had my trousers on inside out for two hours today. Everyone knows my mum shops at Tesco now and that I am size aged fifteen.”

  This makes me smile a bit. It reminds me of the sort of thing Lauren wo
uld say. Lozza is a queen. And she’s sweet and funny and kind and her occasional toolness only hurts her. Never anyone else. Except that time with the squirrel. And we don’t talk about that.

  Why hasn’t she messaged me? I MISS HER.

  “Come on, Millie,” Bradley says. “Don’t let her see that she has made you feel bad.”

  I look at him. “What I really need now is some cucumber. Not to scare cats with – to put on my eyes to reduce inflammation. Or teabags. They tend to be more common than cucumbers in schools and life generally.”

  And then something comes over me. Rushing and real. Confused but certain at the same crashing time. I kiss Bradley Sanderson hard on the lips. And just as he puts his arm round me, I pull back.

  Bradley has gone bright red but looks quite pleased.

  “OR,” I quickly continue, “I should wear my enormously glam and exceedingly slightly ludicrous sunglasses ALL day. That will make me look like I’m hiding after a scandal, though.”

  Bradley pauses. “Well, um – you are really, Millie.”

  Bradley is right. This is what everyone will be talking about for months. The day that Erin took down Millie Porter. It will become legend. I bet Erin is already planning the statue that will go on the spot. I will for ever be cast in bronze as…

  OK, my head is probably going a bit crazy there. But still. This is big. And why did I kiss Bradley Sanderson?

  #TWISTED

  “You can’t be beaten by her!”

  At the end of school, I caIl Aunty Teresa and tell her everything – apart from Bradley.

  “Do you want me to have a word with her, Mills?”

  I have a vision of Aunty Teresa turning up to school in her ice-cream van and shoving a giant cone in Erin’s FACE. It’s a lovely fantasy that I may think about for days.

  Gracie comes up to me mid Aunty Teresa’s anti-Erin ranting and makes a motion that I need to get off the phone FAST.

  “Millie. I don’t know how to break this to you and PLEASE DON’T TELL ANYONE I TOLD YOU but … Erin is telling everyone that you were having a go at her. The Snapchat shows you and her arguing. The fact is, you look very cross. You look like the one who is laying into her and telling her to back off. Have a look!”

  Sure enough, when I see them, what I thought was my blank look of spoon actually seems like a death stare. Bradley was COMPLETELY wrong when he said it looked like we were just talking. I’m like a cheetah eyeing up a gazelle before getting it by the neck, ripping it to pieces and then eating it in front of a really excited cameraman.

  “It does look a bit … bad.”

  I can’t believe how she can twist things.

  “What can I do about it?”

  Gracie goes very quiet and then says, “Nothing, Millie. You can’t fight that. You can’t beat her. She’s amazing.” Gracie realizes what she’s said. “Horrible, don’t get me wrong, but amazing.”

  I look over to the edge of the mobile classrooms that were meant to be temporary but have been there since Roman times and see a crowd of girls comforting Erin. She shakes her head and looks upset but when she catches me looking at her, she flashes a perfect grin. There are already sharks with cameras walking round menacing people. I’ve seen them. They are called Erin. That’s what I would have to tell Bradley. If I hadn’t kissed him.

  #REVENGE

  At home, things seem a bit better. Teresa and Dad are doing a dance routine to an old song called “Groove Is in the Heart”. Grandad is tutting and shaking his head but looking impressed at the same time.

  Dave is sleeping on top of a perfectly ironed pile of washing. She’s moulting and she’s created a new teensy, tabby hair jumper on top of a pair of Grandad’s cords. He’ll go mad when he sees them, so I take Dave to the back garden for a brush. Dave purrs and rolls with pleasure, then bites me when she’s had enough. If humans treated hairdressers this way, they’d be sent to prison.

  When I get back inside, there’s a message from Gracie.

  Millie. Don’t get freaked out again.

  (This means there’s totally something to get freaked out about.)

  But have a look at Erin’s Instagram.

  My heart goes into my mouth. When I look, there’s a beautiful black and white photo of Erin looking sad. What is it about black and white? It could make anything look arty and serious. Even Dave the girl cat thug would look arty with that filter. Erin has hashtagged it #sad #leaving #unhappy and written:

  So, anyway, I’ve been really struggling with some of the things that have been said to me on here and in person. Someone attacked me today and said that I should leave all this to the people who do it better. Look at me. It hurt. IT HURTS.

  I am going to come off social media for a time. I think that way I can just get my head together. And that means my vlog too. I only ever started it as a bit of fun and I do not deserve the abuse I am getting from certain people. Plus, I have to tell you I need to concentrate on my personal life a bit more. I know lots of you are going to be very disappointed by this but the truth is, everyone has their limits and I have reached mine. Love you. Erin x

  I cannot believe people are falling for Erin’s total “I am a victim” nonsense. All the things SHE said to me she’s now saying that I said. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. That’s just not me. I wish it was. But it’s NOT.

  The comments that have already been left are unbelievable.

  Don’t let the haters get you down.

  Name and shame the bullies here. I will personally go after them.

  After my dog died, your Instagram page was the one thing that made me smile again. You bring joy to millions. Don’t stop.

  That is totally her making up her own comments.

  I ring Lauren. There’s still no answer.

  I can’t believe Erin is making me out to be completely evil and horrible when SHE is the one who is causing all the problems! SHE’s having a go at me and now she is making out that she is the victim. Some people might actually believe that I’m like that and YES, by “some people” I do mean Danny.

  Danny.

  Danny would want me to do a vlog now. Wouldn’t he?

  So would Bradley.

  I’m going to do a vlog. It doesn’t have to be aimed at Erin. It can just be about how people can say what they like about you on social media and that you have absolutely no control over it.

  I’ve got to say something.

  #CATASTROPHE

  In Grandad’s shed, it’s just me and Dave. Everyone in the house is either dancing or pretending not to enjoy dancing, so this is the best place to be.

  I don’t feel like vlogging but I do.

  “Hello. Millie here and I’m feeling a bit rubbish.”

  (At this point, Dave jumps on my lap. I think she feels bad about biting me after I’d made her look good.)

  “#Help Me Cope When People Say Things Which Are Clearly NOT TRUE.

  “So Dave and me are just sitting here and I’ve been wondering what you think about what I’m doing on here. The thing is, I can’t bear the thought of anyone hating me. I make out that I don’t care but I do. And it’s the hardest thing because I really do want people to like me. God, that sounds PATHETIC. But I do.”

  (I look at Dave. It’s random but I have an idea.)

  “This is Dave my cat. She’s a girl but she’s called Dave. You might have seen her in some of my other vlogs. Anyway, Dave doesn’t really care about anyone or what they think. She does what she likes. And yes – she’s a cat but there’s a lot to be learnt from her attitude. I know people who HATE Dave and think she’s a walking fur menace, er … a bag of fleas, a pit bull in a cat body – people say all sorts of things about her and she just carries on doing her thing.

  “And that’s kind of what I want to say. I get people asking me about what to do when people say horrible or untrue things on the Internet. And something happened to me this week where someone was basically making me out to be a Queen of Evil when actually they were the person who was … just being
nasty and oh … hugely a SPOON. And some people believe it because they want to believe it. There’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to know that the people who matter know what I’m really like.

  “The thing is, it still hurts. It REALLY DOES, but I look at Dave and I think about that time that my mum’s next-door neighbour called her the worst cat on earth and accused her of getting her pedigree cat pregnant till she found out Dave was actually a girl and not a lesbian either. Dave just took the abuse and carried on using their cat flap to steal food. We’ve all just got to keep on being ourselves and ignoring the haters and, as I always say, please tell someone. I know. I KNOW! Boring advice. Dullsville Central but seriously Johnny Mint and the Minters is the result you’ll get if you just talk to people you love and trust and um … yep. That’s it from me. Be more like Dave.”

  And at that point, Dave attacks the phone because she feels like it. So I add:

  “But don’t attack phones or sit on freshly washed trousers and shed your hair. Also, if you wake me up at 5 a.m. by punching my face because you want food, you won’t be popular.

  “Thanks again. Millie over and out. #Help me to help you – although today, I think I need help more than anyone.”

  This says everything I want it to even though it suggests humans should be more like scabby, slightly insane cats.

  I’m uploading it though. At least it’s me doing something.

  I give Dave a special hug. She may be full of fleas but she really is an icon for modern women. And cats. And probably even dogs if they would just listen.

  #BFFRESCUE

  The next day, Lauren is off sick. AGAIN. She normally likes Wednesdays too. And as I’m also avoiding both Danny and Bradley, the day goes really slowly. I get to check the comments on my vlog once. They are mainly about Dave.

  Dave though.

  Cat BAE

  Both need thereapy… (Spell therapy right if you are going to suggest it!)