#Help
Page 17
Bradley looks gutted.
“Don’t tell me – you should never have kissed me.”
“No, I shouldn’t,” I whisper. I’m a cow.
“Don’t worry.” Bradley sighs sarcastically. “What girl can resist my geek talk? And now I suppose you just want to be friends.”
This is awful. I cannot describe how terrible I feel. I would HATE it if someone did this to me.
“Please can we?” I whisper.
“No,” Bradley snaps. Then he becomes gentler. “No. No. No. It doesn’t work like that. Because right now I want to be horrible to you and say the worst things ever, and, seriously, I just need to go before I say something, because … I just need to go.”
Bradley disappears in a Sigma Solon Mid-Rise lift (he’s taught me a lot). As I look back, the doors shut behind him really slowly. You can’t slam a lift. That’s the problem.
Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
That’s how I feel.
I call Mum and explain. I just need some advice right now.
“Did you mean to hurt him?” Mum asks.
“Of course not!” I shout.
“But you still did, Millie, and that’s life. He’ll be OK after a while. Male pride is a very complicated thing. In fact, ANY pride is a very complicated thing. You’re going to hurt people and people are going to hurt you. But you can’t live a lie. Look at Lauren’s parents. Hearts rule where heads fear to tread, Millie. Get used to it.”
In the middle of the shopping centre, I ask Mum a very important question: “Mum, does this get easier?”
“Oh no!” Mum says and she’s brutal. And then she corrects herself. “Yes, it does, darling. You learn to manage it a bit better. And you can see the problems galloping down the road before they knock you over. Usually. Not always. But here’s a tip – don’t you DARE share what happened with that boy ANYWHERE. No vlog. No Facebooking, or whatever it’s called. Some things, Millie, are not and never will be for public consumption. Sharing YOUR thoughts is one thing. Sharing the pain of others without their permission is just cruel. DO NOT do it. You’re not my Millie, the girl I know and love, if you do.”
I know she’s right. Even though it would make the best subject matter ever for a vlog.
“Don’t worry, Millie. Bradley will find someone else. And then YOU’LL be jealous and wonder what’s happening. You’ll ask yourself ‘Have I made the right decision?’ But I hope you’ll be happy that such a lovely young man, and he sounds like one, has found happiness.”
And I will be – it’s just that…
When I started this whole thing, I thought I knew loads. But it’s been by sharing what I thought was lots that I’ve realized that I’ve got quite big gaps of things I have no clue about. Although escalators now aren’t one of them.
Life is very confusing. Or, as Grandad says when he’s trying to sound very clever indeed, this whole thing seems to have led to a great deal of “confusement”.
Now I’ve just got to wait around for Danny. Two boys in one day. I feel a bit of a cow and I hope Erin isn’t around. I hope no one’s around. I might go and hide in Debenhams.
#DANNY
I see Danny floating towards me, and honestly, I know I’ve made the right decision. Don’t hate me. I know it’s shallow, but he’s GORGEOUS.
“Hello, my lady of global fame. How are you?”
“Well. Not really global fame. But. Yes. Doing quite well vlogging-wise. I’m good. I wondered…”
“Yes,” he says. “The answer is yes. I would love to buy you an ice cream.”
What follows is a stupendous kiss. It’s the equivalent of a million likes on every platform ever. A mass of emoticons and hearts and a huge THUMBS ALOFT firework that sends me off my head. Do they teach kissing in schools in Ontario? I think they must do and Danny must have passed with the best grade possible.
It’s a kiss that makes me feel brave and brilliant and…
“Danny. I really like you.”
We kiss AGAIN. This is truly magnificent.
“I really like you too, Miss Porter, Problem Sorter. Can I take you to Wagamama’s this evening?”
I would love to go and slurp noodles with Danny. But I have to be honest. “I’d love to, Danny. But I can only hang out this afternoon, because there’s something really important I’ve got to do this evening.”
Danny looks disappointed.
“Look. I’m thinking you want to sort of try the ‘be my boyfriend’ thing?”
Danny smiles. “Yeah.”
“Well, me too. I mean, I want to be your girlfriend but—”
Danny interrupts. “But you’ll have lots of options now you’re a global sensation.”
This takes me totally by surprise. “Oh no! It’s not that. The thing about vlogging is, it’s wonderful but … I just want to enjoy people I can actually poke in the arm!”
I jab Danny’s bicep. He must work out because it’s hard, but he pretends it hurts.
“I’ve just learnt that to be a great vlogger, I’ve also got to— I wanted to be famous and I tried a bit too hard and then, when Dave did what she did, it just proved—”
“It proved what?” Danny asks me.
“I’m not sure.” This makes us both laugh.
“Look, can we do something tomorrow instead?” I ask him. “Maybe the cinema? I’ll message you. There’s just something I’ve got to do and it’s important I do it tonight.”
I can see Danny still looks hurt, so I tell the truth. “It’s not vlogging or anything. It’s family. Do you know what I mean?”
Danny grins and winks. “I know exactly what you mean. I’m away from a lot of mine and I miss them. You want to make sure you spend time with them.”
“That’s just it!” I say.
Danny and me then have another terrific kiss. When I open my eyes, two beautiful pools of lovely are smiling back at me.
Sorry. Vomfest. But the boy is magical.
“Message me,” he whispers and blows a kiss.
It’s hard to leave such a hero of pure beauty.
But there’s someone I really need to spend time with.
#GIRLTIME
“Mills, HOW DID IT GO?!” Lauren screams down the phone. “I’ve been sitting here actually feeling sick. What happened? What did they say? Was it basically Hollyoaks?”
Lauren sounds as if she’s about to explode. I’m at Mum’s and feeling more chilled.
“l wondered if you wanted to come round tonight and eat pizza and try to get Dave to do tricks for pepperoni?”
“For your vlog?” she asks.
“No. Just for us,” I say. “The sisters in crime, talking in rhyme…”
Lauren picks up our rap that we made up when we were eight: “Don’t eat lime. Don’t taste fine.”
We both finish it together: “Give up talking. Just do a little mime.”
It’s RUBBISH but it’s our theme song and we start giggling a lot.
“Can I come round now?” Lauren asks. “My mum’s back and it’s like a war zone again.”
I tell her that I’ll see her in ten minutes.
While I’m waiting for Lauren, I look at the comments on my latest vlog and nearly drop dead.
Hello, Millie. You can see by my verified account that I represent some of this country’s biggest vloggers. I’d be interested in talking to you. And your cat. I think you are both wonderful. Thanks. Lydia Portancia
This is BIG. Really BIG. I mean, we’re talking someone who could really take me on. Move things forward. Someone who…
Someone who can wait.
Tonight is about my best friend. We’ll discuss it later. Perhaps. For the moment, everything can wait. I need major spoon time with the Loz.
I think the key to a sensible life is just putting all the cutlery in the right spaces and using each piece at the right time. Don’t you?
That and having a cat that doesn’t think she’s a trapeze artist. I can see Dave walking along the washing line, and every so oft
en, swinging round it. And no, I’m not filming it. Not now. But maybe check my vlog later…
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thank you, as ever, to the usual suspects with special love to the legendary Jordana ‘Retainer Linda Hamilton alike’ Green, Jo-Anne Green and Gracie Upton.
Lenah Valley Post Office for ever…
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
RAE EARL was born in Stamford, Lincolnshire in 1971. After some adequate schooling, she went to Hull University and won the Phillip Larkin prize for a frankly magnificent essay. She then did every job possible at a radio station. Her books My Mad Fat Diary and My Madder Fatter Diary, which are based on her own teenage diaries, have been made into a TV show that is aired in over 50 countries. It has been nominated for 2 BAFTAS and 2 RTS awards and won 2 MIND Media awards. She is also the author of the OMG! series of books. Rae lives in Hobart, Australia, where she is currently writing, among other things, a TV drama about a girls’ football team.
@RaeEarl
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Also by Rae Earl:
OMG! I’m In Love With a Geek!
OMG! Is This Actually My Life?
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or, if real, used fictitiously. All statements, activities, stunts, descriptions, information and material of any other kind contained herein are included for entertainment purposes only and should not be relied on for accuracy or replicated as they may result in injury.
First published in Great Britain 2017 by Walker Books Ltd
87 Vauxhall Walk, London SE11 5HJ
Text © 2017 Rae Earl
Cover design by Walker Books Ltd
Cute modern cat in blue glasses © 2016 Volantherist / Getty Images
Portrait of tabby kitten, Felis silvestris catus © 2016 Westend61 / Getty Images
Portrait of a cat © 2016 DRB Images LLC / Getty Images
Jumping cat © 2016 Akimasa Harada / Getty Images
The right of Rae Earl to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, taping and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: a catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978-1-4063-6970-0 (ePub)
www.walker.co.uk