Light the Lamp

by Catherine Gayle

  She wasn’t making that easy, at the moment.

  After the game-day skate on Monday morning, I’d gone to our traditional pre-game meal with the boys at Amani’s Family-Style Italian Restaurant. I’d offered to come by the condo and pick Noelle up so she could join us for that, but she’d insisted she was fine having lunch at our place by herself.

  But even if she wasn’t going to join us for lunch, I wanted to take her out afterward so I could buy her a cell phone. When I’d discovered that wasn’t one of the things in her purse and she hadn’t had one in the first place, taking care of that bit of business had been the very next thing on my list after making sure she had clothes to wear. In today’s world, it’s almost impossible to stay in touch with anyone if you don’t have a cell. It wasn’t like I was insisting on buying her a laptop or an iPad or any of the more expensive electronics people had these days. I just wanted to be able to call her on my way home, or for her to be able to call her family to let them know she was okay.

  She knew that I wanted to take her shopping for a phone once I came home. We’d talked about it over breakfast. Yet when Babs and I got up to our place, Noelle was nowhere to be found. There was no note. Nothing was out of place to give me a hint as to where she’d gone or why. And, of course, since she didn’t have a cell phone yet, I couldn’t call her and find out.

  She didn’t have a car, so hopefully she hadn’t gone too far. But how could I know? I didn’t want to imagine the worst, but that was exactly what I proceeded to do. It was how my mind was wired these days…ever since Liv got hit on that highway.

  I doubted Noelle had left the apartment unwillingly. There wasn’t any sign of a struggle. Where could she have gone on foot? There was a park not too far away, and several shops and restaurants were within walking distance. And there was public transportation, as she had reminded me a couple of times.

  “Maybe she just wanted to go for a walk?” Babs suggested. He wasn’t anywhere near as worked up about it as I was. “I’m sure she’ll be back soon.”

  He sat in front of the TV and started playing a video game. I couldn’t settle in and do anything. I could only pace.

  I’d been pacing through the apartment for so long that Babs started passing annoyed looks in my direction. I decided to go into my new bedroom to finally unpack all the boxes of clothes that had been shipped to me from New York. I spent an hour doing that and had my closet and dresser drawers all sorted out, and Noelle still hadn’t returned.

  Babs passed me in the hall as he was heading into his room for a nap. That was pretty universal for pro hockey players. If you take a nap in the afternoon on game day, you tend to have a little more jump in the game that night.

  “See you in an hour or so,” he said as he closed his door.

  “Yeah. See you.”

  I should’ve lied down, too, but I couldn’t bear the thought of accidentally falling asleep and not realizing that Noelle had come home. Not that I really thought it was possible for me to sleep. Not now. Not while I was so wound up because I was picturing her lying in a ditch somewhere. Not when I wasn’t a hundred percent sure that she hadn’t completely ignored the deal we’d reached and gone to a homeless shelter, anyway.

  Since Babs wasn’t out there to get annoyed with me, I headed back out to the living room and started pacing again, back and forth and back and forth until I was fairly certain I might start to scuff the hardwood flooring if I couldn’t make myself stop.

  Then I made myself take a seat on the couch, keeping the door directly in my line of sight. I wanted to know the minute she walked in, even though I didn’t know yet if I’d yell at her for scaring me half to death or just be thankful that she was all right.

  I was still sitting there when Babs got up again and started putting on his suit so we could head out for the game.

  “She’s still not back?” he said when he came down the hall, his tie hanging loose around his collar. He went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “I was sure she would have come back by now.”

  I had hoped she would, too. But then, I’d thought she was going to be here when we came back from lunch, and that was hours ago.

  “I’d better go change,” I said, forcing myself to get up and go do just that.

  A few minutes later, I went back into the living room and stopped short. Noelle was coming through the front door, wearing one of the long, flowing skirts I’d just bought for her and a long-sleeved T-shirt that didn’t come close to matching it, her worn purse slung across her body. Her blond hair was unbound and incredibly windswept, and it looked like it had to be tangled beyond belief. Her arms were filled with flowers of every color and type I could imagine, so many that I didn’t have the first clue how she was carrying them at all, and she had the most beautiful smile on her face.

  And she was barefoot.

  “Where have you been?” I asked, wishing I could keep the demanding tone out of my voice, but it was taking all my concentration just to prevent myself from rushing over and pulling her into my arms. If I did that, I would have a really hard time letting her go, though, and I might do something insanely rash like kiss her senseless.

  She plopped the flowers on the dining room table. “I wanted to go for a walk before you got back from lunch, but then I saw one of those bikes. You know the ones the city has around for people to use? And I hadn’t ridden a bike in so long, so I took it and rode, and it felt so good to have the wind blowing in my hair that I went a little farther than I probably should have.”

  That was probably putting it mildly. “You didn’t think to put on shoes?” I asked, bewildered. Although, that shouldn’t have surprised me. She’d been barefoot on the side of the highway when we’d first met. I tried not to worry about what might have happened if she rode a bike that way, and in a long skirt, no less. Granted, even going for a walk without any protection on her feet was beyond my comprehension. It seemed like Noelle going around barefoot might be the least of my worries for a while, now that she was in my life.

  “Shoes?” She looked down at her feet. “Oh. No, I didn’t think about shoes.” While she was talking, she moved into the kitchen and found a pitcher, then filled it with cold water out of the tap. “But then I saw this hillside next to a park, and it had all these wildflowers popping up, and I thought they were just the prettiest things I’d ever seen. So I left the bike out where someone else could find it if they needed it, and I started to pick some flowers. I think I picked a few too many.” She scrunched up her nose as she surveyed her haul, picking up a few stems and putting them into the pitcher with the water.

  “Anyway, by the time I stopped picking flowers, the bike was gone. And I wouldn’t have been able to bring my flowers back with me if I was on the bike anyway, so it was better for me to walk. But…well, it was a long way to walk. So it took a while.”

  By the time she finished explaining all of that, I’d gotten control over my panic at her disappearance. “Did you forget that I was going to take you to buy a cell phone?” I asked as calmly as I could manage.

  “Oh! I’m so sorry. I knew there was something I needed to be here for, but I completely forgot when I saw the flowers.” She dropped a stem to the table and looked up. “You’re in your suit already. What time is it?”

  “Almost time to leave for the game.”

  Noelle’s jaw dropped. “I haven’t even eaten lunch yet. How did that much time pass without me knowing it?”

  I made a mental note of another thing I needed to buy her in addition to the cell phone: a watch. Granted, the phone would have a clock, but the watch could stay on her body and be a little more permanent. Maybe then the time would sink in a little better. “Not a clue. Why don’t you go change while I make you a sandwich you can eat on the way?”

  “On the way?”

  “To the game. Aren’t you coming with us? I assumed you’d want to be there.” If I knew she was at the arena, I wouldn’t have to worry about her riding bicycles with long
skirts and bare feet.

  “Oh.” She finished putting her flowers in the pitcher and set it in the middle of the dining room table. “That looks pretty, doesn’t it? All right, I’ll go change.”

  The smile on her face was all it took to melt away my frustrations, at least this time. Once she closed the door, I moved over to the table and pulled one stem free from the arrangement. I lifted it up to my nose and breathed it in.

  Then I promptly sneezed.

  And I laughed.

  If I’d been looking for proof that I didn’t fit into Liam’s life no matter how hard he tried to convince both of us I did, going to his game might have given it to me. When we arrived at the arena, he took me up to the owner’s box to sit with all the wives and girlfriends, and right off the bat, I felt out of place. I wasn’t his girlfriend. Also, these women were all dressed in the same kinds of designer clothes that Sara Thomas had dropped off for me, the very kind that made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I’d only allowed myself to wear the things Sara had brought me long enough to go to the store with Liam and buy new clothes—things that felt more like me.

  Like what I was wearing tonight. After I’d come home from my walk with all of those flowers, I’d changed into a clean skirt—one of the long, flowing, flowery ones with lots of bright colors that I loved so much—and I’d paired it with a cobalt-blue peasant blouse. I’d put on a pair of slip-on sneakers because Liam had almost flipped out that I’d been gone without having any shoes on and I thought that would make him smile. He’d taken one look at me and suggested I go back into my room for a jacket or cardigan because it would be cold in the arena. I’d grabbed the first sweater my hand had landed on in the closet—a bright-pink one that almost dropped all the way to my knees and had a series of buttons all down the front.

  My clothes were all about comfort and color. But these women? It seemed that their fashion choices all about the name on the label. Which was fine if that was what they liked; I didn’t have a problem with that. It just wasn’t me.

  In the car the whole way to the arena, Liam had tried to reassure me that I would like the other women, that they would talk to me and make me feel comfortable and help me understand the game.

  I figured he’d be wrong about that; most people tended to take one look at me and make snap judgments. But I didn’t mind. I had always preferred to look at life experiences from the fringes. Tonight, I was more curious about why he wanted me to be there, when it wasn’t something we could do together. He would be playing; I would be watching. How could I do something helpful for him if I was sitting up in the owner’s box? I’d honestly rather be back at his condo, cleaning or organizing or making it more comfortable for him in some way.

  I was fairly certain he just didn’t like the idea of leaving me alone in his apartment again, though. I’d apologized about a dozen times on our way to the arena for worrying him, but he still hadn’t wanted to leave me there.

  That was too bad for me. I liked my alone time, and it didn’t look like I was going to get much of it for a while.

  I liked people. I liked being around them. But I didn’t need to be with them all the time.

  I’d agreed to go to the game, though, because I was trying to meet my end of our agreement. He’d sworn that my presence was one of the ways I could be useful to him. It didn’t make any sense to me, but I was willing to go with the flow. At least for now.

  We had a deal, after all.

  So he’d dropped me off up in the owner’s box and left to get ready for the game. I scanned the room again, trying to get a feel from the other women there and looking for a friendly face. One group, huddled in a corner with their heads close together, eyed me with snooty looks before going back to whispering to one another.

  Near the front of the box with good seats to view the game, a handful of women were talking and laughing. They seemed much nicer than the ones with the snooty looks, but none of them looked up and saw me, and I didn’t want to interrupt.

  I was just about to go off on my own and find a seat away from all the rest of them when two more women came in. One was tall, dark haired, and drop-dead gorgeous. The other woman was younger—even younger than me—and tall, drop-dead gorgeous, but bald. Actually, she might be a girl still and not a woman; it was hard to tell. She had a purple scarf secured over her head, the same color as the team jersey she was wearing. She looked sickly, with pale skin, hollow cheekbones, and big bags under her eyes. I was pretty sure she was a cancer patient. Come to think of it, Liam had mentioned someone with leukemia, although I couldn’t recall who he’d said that in connection to.

  She smiled when she saw me, but then she walked right past me and sat next to a little redheaded girl who couldn’t even be ten years old yet. The woman she’d entered with joined the laughing group opposite them.

  The two girls bent their heads together for just a minute and then looked over in my direction, smiling again in a way that seemed welcoming. I decided to see if I could sit with the pair of them. When I headed over to them, they were in the process of spreading a throw blanket over both their laps. They looked up and grinned at me.

  “You’re Miss Noelle, aren’t you?” the little redhead said. “You live with Mr. Kally and Mr. Jamie. I just told Katie who you are.”

  “You’re right,” I said.

  It was unnerving that people knew who I was when I didn’t have any idea who they were. Had Liam already told everyone in his life about me? I didn’t feel like I was a big enough deal to merit such fast notice. And just how did word spread so quickly? I’d only been with him for about two days. Just with him, though, not with him with him.

  “How did you know who I am?” I asked, adjusting the strap of my purse over my shoulder. I let my hand fall over the body of the bag, feeling the same four items inside that had been there since my car burned on the highway.

  “I’m Maddie Shaw. I live across the hall from you.” The little girl nudged her head toward the seat next to her and nodded, her eyes wide in a wordless offer. “This is Katie. She’s dating Mr. Jamie.”

  I sat down where Maddie had indicated.

  Katie blushed like crazy. “I’m not dating him.” She turned a shy look in my direction. “He took me to my prom is all.” I couldn’t help but notice that her lips kept curling up in an embarrassed smile. She wanted to be dating him.

  So this was the girl Babs was out with the night I met Liam. I already liked Babs, but this made me like him even more. Katie wasn’t just any girl; he’d taken a girl with no hair to her prom. That was just about the sweetest, most thoughtful thing I could imagine. I made up my mind right at that moment to be sure he stayed in my life, no matter what happened in my future. Some people are keepers, and Jamie Babcock was definitely one of them.

  I laughed. “I’d say that counts as dating.” I winked conspiratorially in Maddie’s direction.

  “It counts as a date. One.” Katie gave Maddie a stern look. “Don’t let my dad hear you talking like that or he’ll kill Jamie, okay?”

  Maddie just rolled her eyes the way only a kid could do. Then she leaned over to me and whispered, “She’s wearing Mr. Jamie’s jersey tonight. Not her dad’s.”

  “I see,” I said, nodding my head like I really understood the finer details of how one chooses whose jersey to wear.

  “Anyway,” Katie said, rolling her eyes in a near perfect imitation of Maddie, “Mom will want to meet you later, Noelle.”

  “And my mommy and Miss Dana,” Maddie added.

  “And Sara Thomas.” Katie tugged the blanket up closer to her shoulders, tucking it in beneath her armpits. “So you should get yourself ready, because they’re all curious.”

  I sat back in my seat and pulled my sweater tighter over my chest. Liam had been right. It was cold in here. I shook my head. “Why do they want to meet me?”

  “Because no one really knows Kally very well, yet,” Katie said. “He just got traded here a couple of weeks ago. It’s just what they do with al
l the new players’ wives and girlfriends as a way to welcome them to the city.”

  “I’ve only known him a couple of days. I’m sure all of you know him far better than I do.” A couple of moments of mild flirtation didn’t come close to having us know one another well. “And I’m not his girlfriend.”

  “Right,” Maddie said, grinning like the Cheshire cat. “And Katie isn’t dating Mr. Jamie.”

  Aaron Ludwiczak had just healed from a minor concussion. Tonight was Luddy’s first game back in the lineup, reclaiming his spot on the top line and allowing me to move back to my more comfortable position on the third line. I was happy to be playing down the lineup again since I hadn’t found a way to contribute alongside the top-line guys. Less was expected of me in a depth-forward role. I could play a solid defensive game and not have to worry about putting the puck in the net. If I scored, it was a bonus.

  They weren’t counting on me scoring on a nightly basis, though. Or even very often at all. Jim Sutter, the team’s general manager, had been sure to tell me that a few times. He didn’t want me to stress about it; he just wanted me to get comfortable. He said the scoring would come eventually. Maybe he was right. Maybe. I wasn’t so sure anymore.

  A couple of years ago, I would have been furious if a coach had tried to drop me down the lineup. I had always had a true goal-scorer’s touch. Until last year, I’d never failed to score at least twenty-five goals per season, not even in my rookie campaign. Most years I got more than thirty-five, and a couple of times I’d scored more than forty. That put me in some pretty elite company among the most prolific offensive players in the history of the game.

  And then it had all dried up when Liv died. The goals had stopped coming. I’d scored three times since her death, and two of those had been flukes.