Sitting at the end of the table was Dr. Roger Moore, the neurologist who had taken care of Linnzi after the plane accident. To the right of him was Dr. Laura Brooks, the psychologist who had been the one to first diagnose Linnzi with short-term memory loss.
As I sat down, I reached across and shook both of their hands, and I was immediately transported back eight years.
“Why does she remember everyone else but me?” I asked as Amy and Steve sat next to me.
Dr. Brooks sighed. “It’s not that she isn’t remembering you, Nolan. She’s blocking out a certain amount of time in her life.”
“Yeah, the time we were together. She remembers moving here, but she doesn’t remember me.”
Dr. Moore cleared his throat and all eyes swung his way. “Linnzi has suffered not only a head injury, but she’s had a very traumatic experience. When she woke up she saw the firefighter trying to revive her daughter. You said she knew you when she was holding Amanda.”
I nodded, even though I knew he wasn’t asking.
“When Linnzi realized that your child was gone, her mind shut down anything that would allow her to remember Amanda. When you walked into that room, Nolan, her body had already gone into survival mode and shut it all out. In a way, it’s protecting her from the memory of the loss of her daughter.”
I ran my hands down my face. “So if I tell her who I am, will she remember?”
Both doctors looked at one another then at me, Amy, and Steve.
Dr. Brooks spoke first. “She might or she might not. Nolan, she may never remember. Or she could recognize you tomorrow, or you could say something that sparks a memory and she could regain some or all of the memory.”
“And how will that be for her mentally? To suddenly have it all come rushing back?” Amy asked.
Dr. Moore answered. “Everyone responds differently. She may go into shock, may experience the trauma all over again. Her mind could possibly attempt to block it once again. Or, as Dr. Brooks stated, she may not ever get her memory back. We just don’t know enough about short-term memory loss to say what could happen.”
I stood and started to pace. “So, I’m the trigger.”
“Not necessarily,” Dr. Brooks said. “The sound of a baby crying could trigger the memory. The sound of your laughter, simply seeing you. Seeing a picture of Amanda. Anything could trigger it.”
“Could it come back on its own?” Steve asked.
Both doctors nodded, but only Dr. Moore answered. “Yes, it could. She could wake up one day and remember.”
“I don’t want to be the cause of her being hurt again,” I said.
Amy stood. “What are you saying, Nolan?”
I swallowed hard. “Maybe I need to take myself out of the picture for a while. Leave her alone so she finds her own way back. At her own pace.”
Amy’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“I don’t know. Maybe we need to pretend I wasn’t in her life. Let her memory come back to her when it wants.”
“What about Amanda?” Steve said. “Do we forget about her?”
Tears stung the back of my eyes, and I blinked rapidly. “No,” I whispered. “No, we never forget about her.”
Amy placed her hand on my arm and gave it a squeeze as I wiped my tears away. “But I can’t tell her. I can’t. You didn’t see the way she looked at me when she held Amanda in her arms and she was…”
My voice broke off, and I looked down at the floor.
“You have to ask yourself, are you prepared to hide some truths from her? She’s going to ask questions,” Dr. Brooks said.
I frowned and turned back to Dr. Brooks. “Why hasn’t she asked any questions? She hasn’t even asked what happened.”
Amy nodded. “She hasn’t. Not a single question. We’ve brought up the accident, and she simply says she doesn’t wish to talk about it.”
Dr. Moore replied, “Subconsciously, Linnzi knows what happened. Her mind, her body, whatever we want to call it, is blocking all accounts of the accident. Somewhere deep inside she knows, and she is afraid to remember.”
I turned to Amy and Steve. “You know how much I love your daughter. She’s the other part of me. If I have to walk away and pretend she never existed in my world—at least until she remembers—then that’s what we’ll do.”
“And Amanda?” Amy asked as tears rolled down her cheeks.
All I could do was shake my head.
Dr. Brooks cleared his throat. “I have to warn you, if you withhold this from her and she remembers on her own, or even looks up the accident and reads about it, she may never forgive you for not telling her the truth.”
I looked over at Dr. Brooks and stated, “That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
“She may never remember you, Nolan.” This came from Dr. Moore.
I drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “She will. I know she will.”
My mind came back to the future as quickly as it had gone to the past, and I sat down opposite the two doctors. I drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out.
Dr. Brooks still looked the same. Her dark blonde hair was pulled back in a low ponytail and she wore a genuine smile. Dr. Moore’s dark brown hair had streaks of gray running through it and he wore the same sympathetic expression on his face.
With a smile, Dr. Moore said, “Amy and Steve were in last week—we figured you wouldn’t be far behind.”
“Has Linnzi called you?” I asked Dr. Brooks.
She shook her head. “No. She has not.”
Drawing in a deep breath, I slowly exhaled. “She remembers bits and pieces of me. Me asking her to marry her. She seems to remember her love for me. It’s the strangest thing. She told me she couldn’t remember meeting me, but she knew deep down that she loved me.”
Both of them smiled.
Dr. Brooks said, “Love is a very powerful emotion, Nolan. Amy said that the entire time Linnzi was in France, she never dated.”
I nodded. “Linnzi did tell me she saw a counselor there. She said that they told her she was blocking a memory. Most likely a bad memory.”
Neither said a word.
Clearing my throat, I went on. “She told me she had been having dreams about me, and one time she saw me in France, sitting down at a coffee shop outside her work. Every time I went to Paris to check on her, I sat at the same coffee shop. It gave me a view of where she worked. I could see her come and go. When she saw me there, she said she felt like she knew who I was. I got up to leave, and she followed me until she lost me in the crowd. It was four or five years ago.”
“Really?” Dr. Moore said, his brows lifting in surprise. “Interesting. So she knew from simply seeing you at a distance that you had a connection?”
“Yes. Then I saw her at Truitt and Saryn’s party, since Saryn and Linnzi knew each other in high school. Um, anyway, she saw me and she reacted, though not with a rush of memories. Although, I do believe more and more are coming to her. She mentioned remembering me climbing into her bedroom at night. She remembers the day I asked her to marry me. She remembered us racing to a certain tree on my ranch. She remembers a vacation we took to London once.”
“Do you see the pattern? All happy memories,” Dr. Moore stated.
Dr. Brooks moved around in his seat and asked, “Nothing about the baby?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“When she asked you what happened, what did you tell her?” Dr. Moore asked.
“The truth. I was flying the plane, we were coming back from Colorado, and the landing gear failed. I was about to tell her about Amanda when she told me to stop. She didn’t want to know anything else.”
Dr. Moore nodded. “She knows there’s more.”
“Yes, she does,” I said. “She has even outright said she knows there’s more.”
Both doctors looked at one another.
“But do you think she remembers what the more is?” I asked.
They both shook their head. “No,” said Dr. Brooks. “But
she certainly knows there’s something she is missing. I’m going to guess that she can pick up on your sadness as well, but she won’t call you out on it because if she does then she’ll be forced to face her own.”
“She told me she doesn’t care about the past, that she only wants to focus on our future because she feels like we’ve wasted eight years. And now I keep going over and over that decision in my head. If I should have walked away. Should I have just told her we were engaged? Maybe we just didn’t mention Amanda, but did I make the right call by leaving her? I don’t think I did, and now I…now I…”
I pressed my fists to my forehead. “Fuck! I feel like we made the wrong call. We could have been happy. All this time. And now I can’t move on because I can’t keep this secret about Amanda anymore. I’m tired of not talking about my own daughter. I want to remember her. I want to…I want—”
I looked away when my voice cracked and I couldn’t speak anymore.
“Nolan,” Dr. Brooks gently said as she reached for my hand. “I think you already know what you need to do. You haven’t grieved the loss of your daughter because you’ve been too busy grieving the loss of Linnzi. Amy and Steve haven’t grieved, and we all know Linnzi hasn’t. It’s time for you to tell her.”
I could feel the tears wet my cheeks. “She’s going to hate me. I’ve played this scene out in my head over and over again, and that’s the only possible outcome.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think she will. This is a woman who has been putting her love life on hold for eight years because she still felt the love she has for you. Eight years. She’ll be more upset if she stumbles onto the news than she would be if you just told her. She has the right to grieve and let the past go. Just because she can’t remember it doesn’t mean she’s not holding on to it just as tightly.”
I brought my hand up to my mouth and scrubbed at my stubble. Then I shook my head. “I have to tell her.”
The both nodded.
I turned my head and stared out the window, praying I wouldn’t lose her again.
I couldn’t lose her this time. We’d both already lost so much.
Linnzi
BLISS. THAT WAS how my life was currently. Nolan and I had been back in Texas for a week, and although he seemed off and distant at times, everything had truly been amazing. We made love in nearly every room of the ranch house. We were as close as two people could be, like the eight missing years weren’t even between us. Nolan had been so sweet and caring when it came to Belle and having to take her out in the middle of the night—of course, he had experience with puppies after raising Duke. I would even catch him staring at me when he didn’t think I was looking; it made my heart grow even more in love with him.
But a part of me wanted to scream at him sometimes. For the missing years and how it left me to wonder why he stayed away from me for so long. We could have been together, starting our life. Our family. I knew all I had to do was ask him. But a bigger part of me was scared of the answer.
In all honesty, I had figured it out on my own why he had walked away that day. Nolan was afraid he would trigger my memory. No, he was afraid he would trigger a memory. Whatever had happened, he was scared to death I was going to find out. My parents knew. Hell, I was positive most of Boerne knew.
With a sigh, I stared at myself in the mirror. My light brown hair was piled up in a loose bun on top of my head with curls hanging down to frame my face. My pale blue eyes were outlined with only mascara, and I added a pair of small sapphire earrings that I knew would make my eyes pop more.
I stood, turned, and walked over to the full-length mirror that was in the bedroom. I had on a long, flowing, white lace skirt and a cropped, white lace shirt that showed just enough of my stomach that I knew it would drive Nolan crazy all night long. I finished it all off with a pair of silver and sapphire blue high-heeled shoes. I also wore a small sapphire necklace that had been a gift from Nolan when I turned twenty-one. I didn’t remember getting it, but my mother told me where it came from when she gave it back to me recently. I knew Nolan would be over the moon when he saw it.
With a smile, I turned and grabbed my cell phone and slipped it into a small clutch. Nolan and I were heading out to a benefit dinner with Truitt and Saryn. The only thing I knew about it was that the proceeds were for an organization Nolan and Truitt started a few years back for underprivileged kids in the Boerne area. It was for a summer camp that taught them how to build and design things—playing on Truitt’s love of building with wood, and Nolan’s love of aeronautical engineering.
As I walked into the living room, I couldn’t help but notice how Nolan stopped talking the moment he saw me. He was speaking to someone on the phone, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head as he stared at me. I let my gaze move slowly over him. He was in dress pants, a long-sleeved, blue button-down shirt, and a black cowboy hat. Not to mention the black cowboy boots. The whole package made my lower stomach clench with desire.
“Um, I need to let you go. I’ll talk to you about that later, Paul.” Nolan ended the call and tossed his phone onto the sofa, moving toward me like a lion on the prowl.
“Do not mess up my hair, Nolan Byers!” I warned as I took a few steps back.
“If you didn’t want me to ravish you, you shouldn’t have walked out in this outfit. Holy shit, Linz. You look beautiful. And sexy. And…damn…you’re stunning.” He gently cupped my face in his hands and kissed me softly. A small sigh slipped free and caused him to smile against my lips.
Nolan leaned his forehead against mine and drew in a deep breath.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He shook his head slightly, not meeting my eyes. “No.”
My heart started to pick up speed, and I swallowed hard. “Nolan, what’s been bothering you? You’ve been so distant.”
He jerked his head back. “Distant?”
“Well, I don’t mean all the time. But at times you seem so lost and confused. You’re worrying me.”
Nolan rubbed at the back of his neck. “After the dinner, Linz, we need to sit down and talk. There’s something I need to tell you about us—the past us. I can’t let it go any longer.”
I felt my throat move as I forced myself to swallow. “Okay. We can talk later.”
“You have to promise me you won’t ask me to stop.”
I nodded. “I promise.” A part of me knew I would never truly be able to move on until I let myself remember.
He gave me a weak smile, and then placed his hand around the back of my neck and brought my mouth back to his. This time the kiss was all consuming. Nolan appeared to be pouring as much love into it as he could. Almost as if he feared he’d never be able to kiss me again.
“Promise me you’ll love me forever, Linnzi.”
Now I was beginning to worry even more. “I…I promise you, Nolan. I could never not love you. Even when I didn’t fully know it, it was always you. You’re my other half.”
His eyes went wide, and he seemed to be searching for something…air to breathe…words to say…something. My heart ached at the pain in his gaze.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“Oh, Linz. I love you so much more, baby.” He kissed me again then stepped back when a male voice cleared on the other side of the room.
I turned to see Truitt and Saryn. Truitt was dressed almost the same as Nolan, but he wore a white cowboy hat instead of black. Saryn was dressed in a stunning violet dress that was shorter in the front and had a small train in the back.
“You look beautiful, Saryn!” I said.
“Thank you, and so do you. That outfit is stunning.”
“And going to be off the moment we’re alone,” Nolan whispered against my ear before he nipped at my earlobe.
I giggled and allowed Nolan to take my hand and walk us over to Truitt and Saryn.
“Who’s watching the kids tonight?” I asked.
“My folks. They made a generous donation to get out of having to dress up and socialize
with people. My father’s words, not mine,” Saryn stated.
“Are there any betting pools going on tonight?” Nolan asked Truitt.
With his middle finger up and pointed in Nolan’s direction, Truitt replied, “Ha ha. No, asshole.”
When Truitt turned my way and told me how nice I looked, I noticed Nolan sending out a text. I was pretty sure it was to place bets on how long it would take for Truitt to get hurt, or hurt someone else, or be taken to the ER for some reason or other. Poor Truitt. The guy was so smart and handy, but really had the worst luck when it came to getting hurt.
“I know you’re not doing what I think you’re doing,” Truitt stated as he tried to reach for Nolan’s phone.
Nolan flashed him a quick smile. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Saryn rolled her eyes. “We should get going since you two are the reason this dinner is happening.”
Truitt motioned for me and Saryn to walk ahead of them. As we did, I asked Saryn, “How many people will be there?”
“We normally have a great turnout each year. I think this year more people bought tickets to the dinner after we announced Nolan would be there, though.”
I lifted a brow. “Really? Why?”
Saryn gave me a smirk and then winked. “Let’s just say a lot of very wealthy, single women bought tickets this year.”
I felt myself frown.
Saryn tossed her head back and laughed. “Darlin’, please. You have nothing to worry about. Everyone who looks at the two of you can see that Nolan loves you like crazy.”
I glanced over my shoulder to see both men deep in a conversation. Nolan clearly felt my gaze, because he looked at me and winked. I felt my stomach dip, and I quickly turned back around.
Saryn leaned in to whisper in my ear. “And your love for him is as clear as day. Trust me, Linnzi, you will be the couple everyone is talking about in Boerne tomorrow.”
I felt my cheeks heat as I shook my head and walked carefully down the front steps of Nolan’s house to his truck, which was parked in front of Truitt’s.
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