Not for a Moment: One Moment, Book 3

by Toni J Strawn

  “It’s not your fault.” Jess waited until her friend’s confession dried up. She couldn’t be mad at Tash. Cole was a blunt instrument when it came to Jess’s well-being. He bludgeoned his way through everything to get what he thought was best and no one could withstand his wrath, not when it came to his little sister.

  Jess pushed away the blankets and swung her legs to the floor, contemplating the thick, red scar on her knee. Cole hadn’t always been this way. Once upon a time, before the accident, he’d been more relaxed.

  It was funny. Life was now defined by before and after the accident—and the disaster had left a shitload more scars than the eye could see.

  “Will you be okay?” Tash was asking. “He’ll calm down once he sees the place, right?”

  “Yeah. Sure he will.” Jess glanced around her bedroom. The wallpaper was peeling a little and the orange roses clashed with her pink coverlet, but it was tidy. Cole would appreciate that.

  “You want me to come over?” Tash offered a tentative olive branch.

  “No. I better go and make sure the rest of the house survived the party. I’ll see you later, if I’m still alive.”

  Jess hung up and pulled on jeans and a clean T-shirt. She was confident she could handle Cole.

  And then she went into the living room. Her mouth fell open, then snapped shut as the smell of stale alcohol and BO assaulted her.

  “Mike! Brad! Get up now!”

  She hauled Mike and Brad out of their rooms. Mike got a trash bag shoved in his hands with orders to start picking up. Brad, she pushed toward the shower. The evidence of his drinking binge clung to him in a palpable aura.

  It was only when the red plastic cups had been scraped off the floor, pizza boxes stacked and the last of the bottle caps disposed of, that Jess allowed herself to relax a little. She even contemplated calling Jayne to ask about Van. Then decided to wait. Every second not making sure things were spic and span was a second wasted.

  She barely had time to jump in the shower before Cole arrived.

  He was one angry, pissed-off brother.

  His gaze roved around the room, pausing on the worn carpet, the mismatched drapes and patchy linoleum. His nostrils flared, no doubt filling with the aroma of day-old party fumes and cleaning fluid.

  Brad chose that moment to stumble out of his bedroom, half-naked. Cole’s eyes widened, then narrowed to slits. Radiating pure anger, he arrowed in on Jess.

  “Pack your things.”

  Jess knew she was in trouble when his voice came out low and dangerous like that. It was a warning, the only one she’d get before he exploded.

  Not that it bothered her. She’d seen it all before. She faced off against her brother. Her anger rose to match his. A bottomless well of hot, spitting emotion.

  “You can’t tell me what to do, Cole.”

  “I can and I will.” Cole mirrored her stance as they moved into familiar sibling territory. “It’s my money you’re using. Why the hell did you move out of the dorms?”

  “Why not? They never do anything fun. I’m at college, not at Camp-frickin’-Mother-Care.”

  Cole shot her an angry look. “It’s the best place for you. You have everything you need on campus.”

  “And where did you stay when you went to college?” Jess spat back at him. “Oh, that’s right. You didn’t go. You didn’t even make it through high school. If anyone’s going to decide on my future, I think I’m more qualified.”

  Hurt flashed across Cole’s face and Jess felt like a bitch. Shit. She hadn’t wanted it to go this way. She’d wanted to act like a mature adult, making rational choices.

  “Cole…I…”

  “I may not have the fancy degree but I still pay your way.” Cole came straight back at her. No hesitation. “I’m happy to withdraw my funds if it’s not to your liking.”

  Jess huffed out a sigh. All she wanted was for him to start taking her seriously, like she was an honest-to-God adult. An equal. In her head, Jess knew all this. Knew he was doing it to help her. Knew Cole was right to be annoyed about her moving. Knew it. Knew it. Knew it…and she still couldn’t let it go.

  “I’ll get a job then, if that’s what you want,” she countered.

  “Oh, and how are you going to juggle work with everything else?” He rubbed his hand over his face.

  He was distracted, Jess noted. Tired. She almost gave in…

  “You need to concentrate on your treatment.” Then he ruined it all by mentioning the “T” word.

  “Treatment!” It was like a well-worn path Jess’s life kept coming back to. Fresh anger bubbled up like scalding liquid inside her chest. “It’s always about the fucking treatment. Do you see anything past my injury, Cole?” she demanded, sticking her face into his. “I want a life. I want to make my own mistakes.”

  “Why would I let you make mistakes I’ve already made?” Cole shook his head. “Don’t you think you’ve gone through enough pain?”

  A shadow passed across his face and Jess bit back her next retort. He didn’t play fair. She knew how much he’d suffered after the accident, and the knowledge kept her mouth closed. He’d stayed by her bedside night and day. He hadn’t known whether she’d live or die. He’d had to bury their mom on his own.

  Cole deserved better, but Jess couldn’t seem to help herself. She felt like she was being squeezed into a box that grew smaller and smaller with each passing day. She wanted to explode, detonate. Go crazy. But instead she was trapped…in her own body. In circumstances beyond her control.

  And that was the one thing Jess really wanted. Control.

  Except Cole paid for everything. And he was her brother. And he loved her.

  It didn’t mean Jess had to like it. Or that she wasn’t going to keep trying new things. But for now, she conceded defeat.

  “Start packing,” Cole warned as he left. “I’ll be back for you in two hours.”

  Chapter Four

  “I’m not going back to the dorms.” Jess stared out the window, gearing up for another fight as Cole drove through town. “I’ll stay with Marcus if I have to, but I’m not going back.”

  “No. You’re not going back,” Cole said tightly.

  “Really?” Jess snuck a sideways look at her brother. His jaw was tight and ticking like a bomb.

  “There’s little point when you’re probably just going to leave again.” He directed a glare at Jess. “But you’re not going to Marcus’s, either. I’m taking you somewhere else.”

  “Are you going to tell me where?” Despite her bad mood, Jess’s curiosity was piqued.

  “I will, if you promise to at least give it a chance.”

  Jess’s interest plummeted. If he was issuing ultimatums before they’d arrived, chances were it was somewhere Jess wasn’t going to like.

  “I’m not promising anything until we get there.”

  “That’s what I thought you’d say.”

  Cole’s hand tightened on the steering wheel and Jess went back to staring out the window. They drove back into the heart of Wellsford, skirting the central city area to follow the river that wound its way through parks and suburbs. Into the nice part of town.

  Cole pulled up outside a swanky apartment building. It was an older-style complex, all brick and glass and sleek polished wood, renovated to within an inch of its life.

  She threw a questioning glance at Cole. She’d begun to think he might have rented somewhere for them to share, but they were too far away from campus. And Cole would never live here. He had a real thing about the rich and ostentatious.

  “Okay. I’ll bite.”

  “We’re at a friend’s.” Cole snapped open the door. “You can stay with her until we sort this out.”

  He was pissed. Jess got that. She wasn’t exactly happy herself, but Cole was a lot tenser than the situation warranted. It wasn’t like him
to hold a grudge—not with her anyway. She cast him a speculative glance.

  “Anything I should know before I go in?”

  He threw her a dark look. “In another month, I’ll have a house down here.” Cole hauled her suitcases out of the trunk as if she hadn’t just asked a question. “Then you’ll live with me.”

  Jess’s jaw tightened as she turned away. She’d have to think of something before the month was up, or she’d be living like a spinster with Cole for the rest of her natural life. He was a great brother. Hell, he’d gone above and beyond the call of duty where brothers were concerned…and it was only this thought that kept her beside him and not bolting into the street to sleep on the nearest park bench.

  But Jess needed her own life. And she needed it fast.

  She trudged behind her brother to meet his “friend”. As soon as she saw her, Jess knew something was up between them. Cole’s eyes were an icy storm as they locked on the hot blonde, who looked like a stunned mullet. Like her life had just been steam-rolled.

  Jess knew the feeling. Living here was going to be a barrel of laughs. The tension was so thick she found it hard to swallow. She stomped off to her new bedroom and slammed the door, fuming at her brother. Didn’t he think she had enough to deal with already, without pulling her into this fucked-up situation?

  Jess was more than capable of creating her own messes. Like the fiasco with Van last night. Her mother would have been in stitches about that little escapade. Usually Jess would see the funny side too, except in the harsh light of day, she wasn’t sure what to make of it.

  Her face grew hot. With embarrassment…and something else. Regret maybe? Van was hot. And sweet. And he knew how to take care of a girl.

  Which is why it would never have worked. He was a man. A real man. He was much too grown up for Jess. Much too capable. No. Van and Cole were peas in a pod. They both had hero complexes. Both thought they knew what she needed, better than she did. What did they know? They hadn’t been in that car accident, lying trapped beside Mom while the blood had drip, drip, dripped into the foot well, heard her breath bubble in her chest…

  Jess pressed her fingers into her forehead, trying to rid herself of images she’d rather forget. The mom she remembered was reckless and full of life, just like her. And in the end it hadn’t mattered. Taking risks was the fun part. It was what raised you out of the mundane…where your heart pumped, sweat prickled, adrenaline elevated you into awareness. You knew you were living.

  Yet, for all of the risks, her mom hadn’t died doing anything heart-stoppingly amazing. She’d died doing the school run.

  WTF.

  It was a harsh lesson, but Jess had learned no matter how you lived, when your time was up, there was nothing you could do about it. So you might as well do whatever you could to really live.

  A pity Cole always put on the hand brake before she had a chance to fly. Thunder gathered behind Jess’s brow. On the scale of dangerous things, living with Mike and Brad barely hit a two. Okay, three, if you included the potential hazard of the black creeping mold in the bathroom. Living there had made Jess feel slightly uncomfortable. But that was the point, wasn’t it? At least she’d felt something.

  Jess took a quick glance around her new room. No chance of furry things in these digs. Waaaaay too nice. She was contemplating the pros and cons of getting up and taking a look around when Madison tapped on the door and stood in the threshold like a frightened rabbit. Jess scowled half-heartedly. No wonder Cole liked her. Madison was perfect prey for him.

  Jess laid her cards on the table. “You don’t have to pretend. I know you don’t want me here anymore than I want to be here.”

  For a moment Madison looked like she might run away, then she steadied herself and stepped into the room.

  “You’re right. Cole set this up,” she agreed. “But that doesn’t mean it can’t work.”

  Jess’s brow hiked up in surprise. Okay. “He treats me like an invalid, you know.” She delivered the first of many home truths, daring Madison to think that too. “I’m not.”

  Madison gave a deprecating laugh. “He treats me like a spoiled brat.” She paused. “I am.”

  Jess nearly choked on the lump of anger she’d been chewing on. She fought to keep the dirty look on her face and failed. Madison might be a frightened rabbit, but she had heart. And she was being honest.

  Both things Jess admired.

  Ha! Cole had no idea what he was getting into with Madison.

  “I think we’ll get on just fine,” she assured her new housemate, glad she was going to be around to see her brother land in a sticky situation.

  And her room was nice. More than nice. Simple and elegant with an emphasis on quality. The apartment was on the second floor. French doors led to a little balcony that looked across a small, pristine park.

  A balcony. Jess leaned against the rail, grinning. She’d watched Romeo and Juliet with her mom. And with the fire escape, there was easy access for Romeo to climb her ivory tower should the need arise. Or Van? Jess imagined her dark prince leaping up the ladder, his arms working in beautiful poetry. Something clenched low in her belly. Hell, he probably wouldn’t even need the ladder.

  All in all, the apartment wasn’t a complete fail. She even let Cole coax her into a walk before dinner.

  “Which way do you want to go,” he asked as they started out.

  “Let’s follow the river.”

  “It’s nearly dark and the ground is a bit uneven. Shall we try down here instead?”

  Of course, this was why Jess could never live with her brother. Every time she went to do something, he’d already calculated the risks and deemed it dangerous. She loved him for it but she resented the hell out of it too.

  “Why do you bother asking if you’re just going to do your own thing, anyway?”

  “Okay. You pick next.” Cole gestured at the corner. “Left or right?”

  Jess rolled her eyes. They both looked the same. Smooth and straight. Excellent walking paths.

  “Which way has the potholes, avalanches, and goblins?” she goaded.

  “Whichever way you pick, most likely?” Cole quipped back.

  “Oh, ha ha. Right then.”

  “Left it is.” Cole swung in the opposite direction.

  “Oh my God. You suck.” Jess couldn’t hold back her laughter. “I think you’re the one who suffered an injury. A serious brain injury.”

  “Nah. Too hardheaded.” Cole tapped his fingers against his temple. “It’s from butting heads with you all my life.”

  “No wonder you give me a headache.”

  Cole might have come back with something else, except Jess had slowed to a stop. Her pulse spiked into triple time. The street they’d turned down looked very familiar. And so did the car parked on the side of the road.

  Van’s car.

  Van’s apartment.

  “Is your leg okay?” Cole frowned back at her. “You should be able to walk this far without limping.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” Jess picked up her pace, just wanting to get past the front door in case Van came busting out. “I tripped yesterday, that’s all,” she added when Cole kept looking at her.

  “Why the hell didn’t you say?” He jerked to a stop right outside Van’s door.

  “Because I’m fine,” she snapped. She kept walking.

  No way was she going to be caught fighting outside Van’s apartment. She already had regrets where he was concerned. Like, not seeing it through last night with him…

  Discovering his car and the house where it had almost happened brought a fresh sweep of misgivings. Backing down didn’t sit well with Jess. She wasn’t scared to take a chance and she would usually never let her injury stop her doing anything. Yet last night, she’d bailed when things got tough. Big regret. She didn’t want anyone to think of her as weak.

&nbs
p; If she could do it all over again, it would be different.

  Or at least that was what Jess told herself when she climbed down the fire escape later that night. She had unfinished business to attend to. A jacket to return.

  And a balcony, goddammit.

  The lights in Van’s apartment were on. Jess didn’t allow herself time to think about what she was doing. No hesitation. She crashed her fist into the door. One. Two. Three. Her heart raced in time to the thumps. Shadow and light flickered behind the curtains of the nearest window.

  “Jess.” Van’s eyes widened as he opened the door. “What are you doing here?” A hint of wariness crept in.

  “I wanted to return this.”

  She let his jacket slide off her shoulders, giving him a moment to take in the little cropped top that showed off the sparkle in her belly button. A long, black tube skirt hung low on her hips.

  Surprise turned to a grunt of appreciation when she stepped forward to kiss him. She pressed her lips against his for a moment before the stiffness in his body receded and he kissed her back. She leaned into him and his heart thudded beneath her fingers. Hers was beating just as hard. Jess loved the power of knowing she’d completely knocked Van on his ass by coming here. Her body was ablaze with it, her nipples aching, her pussy wet and ready. She wanted to shove him to the ground and take him. No regrets.

  He pulled her with him as he stepped back into the apartment and the door closed at her back. Not wanting to give up her advantage, Jess pushed at her skirt, wriggling against him until it fell at her feet. She tugged at the hem of his T-shirt, fingers creeping up to spread across the warmth of his skin. She wanted to touch him. To give him everything.

  “Fuck. Jess.” Van pulled back, breathing hard. “I need to tell you—”

  “No talking.”

  Jess wasn’t giving him time for second thoughts. He wanted her. She wanted him. There was nothing else. She pushed his T-shirt farther up and her tongue snaked out to lap at his nipple. Her fingers kneaded at his back as Van sunk into her with a groan.