Broken Promises

by Rebecca Barber

  “Sounds exciting,” I had to admit. Part of me was jealous. It would be such an adventure to travel around the world, seeing everything, trying anything.

  “Have you heard from her?”

  “No,” I said, unable to look Heidi in the eye. “You should email her. I’m sure she’d love

  to hear from you.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You can’t let this go on forever, Gillian. It’s already been going on way too long and it’s over nothing really. Just talk to her.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Don’t think. Just do it. It’s not worth it.”

  I didn’t say any more about it. I didn’t know what to say. Heidi was right. I was embarrassed. I should email Cora. Or call. Or text. Or something. She’d be the one I could talk to about what was going on with Joel without any repercussions. She wasn’t close enough to do anything or make it harder than it already was.

  “How are things with Joel?” Heidi asked at point blank range.

  I squirmed in my seat and downed what remained of my coffee. “Okay,” was all I offered. Again, I tugged at my sleeves.

  “Gillian?”

  I was caught. Heidi had seen through my pathetic attempt at lying. I signalled for the waiter and ordered another coffee and the largest slice of chocolate mud cake I could. “I’m pregnant again,” I blurted out as Heidi stared at me.

  “My God…No wonder you need time out. Were you even trying for another one?” she asked pointedly.

  “No.”

  “Oh.”

  The waiter returned with my cake and coffee and just as he was about to walk away again, “I’m going to need a piece of cake too. A big piece,” Heidi ordered. “What did Joel say?”

  “Let’s just say he was less than thrilled,” I admitted.

  It was so easy to tell the truth to Heidi. And the whole truth. I wasn’t embarrassed or trying to protect him. Heidi’d been there in the beginning, and I knew that she would be there in the end. No matter what happened.

  “Hang on a second.” Heidi smiled, holding up a finger.

  I watched in silence as she dug through the biggest handbag I had ever seen. She dug out her phone, quickly sent a text, before tossing it back in her bag and turning back to her cake.

  With a mouthful of mud cake, Heidi announced, “Finish your cake and don’t tell me anymore. We’re meeting Rhiannon at her apartment in fifteen minutes.”

  “Heidi!”

  “No!” she said more forcefully than I had ever heard her speak before. “Something is definitely up! I can see it on your face. And around your wrists. We need Rhiannon.”

  I was mortified. I thought I was being so careful not to tell anyone, when it was written all over my face anyway. “Heidi, it’s not what you think,” I tried to lie.

  As the lie passed my lips, I felt my world crumble. Who was I kidding? It was as bad as it sounded. My life was nothing like the one that I had wanted. I stuffed spoonfuls of cake into my mouth. So much that I struggled to even close my mouth when I chewed.

  Heidi pulled some cash from her purse, dropped it on the table, took my hand, and half dragged me from the restaurant. I didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. I was defeated.

  Heidi basically threw me into the front seat of her car and before I knew it, we were speeding through the car park on our way to Rhiannon’s. “I…I don’t want to do this,” I confessed. “I’m just tired and Joel’s overworked. And we weren’t expecting to have another child. We hadn’t even discussed having another baby. It shocked us, that’s all,” I tried to rationalize.

  “Well then, tell me what happened to your wrists?” she asked, not even looking me as she dodged in and out of the peak hour traffic.

  “Nothing.”

  “Do you know how I know that you’re lying? ’Cause you are a bad liar.” Heidi’s face showed no compassion. She didn’t even look like the Heidi I knew and loved. She was angry and determined.

  A moment later, after cutting off three cars who tooted their horns at us in anger, we screeched into a vacant car space at the front of Rhiannon’s building. She lived in a two-bedroom apartment on the eighth floor. She had bought the apartment a couple of years ago, brand new. It came with all the luxuries one could want. The complex contained its own bar and café, gym, and indoor swimming centre.

  Heidi pressed the buzzer for Rhiannon’s apartment and instantly the door sprung open. We ducked into the lift and in silence we watched the numbers climb. I didn’t look at Heidi and she didn’t look at me.

  Silently, we crept along the corridor. Without knocking, Heidi pushed opened the door and let herself in. Rhiannon was in the kitchen, tea towel in her hand.

  There were no pleasantries. Instead, as soon as Rhiannon saw me come through her door, she looked and me and asked, “What the fuck is going on, Gillian?”

  JOEL

  “Mum, I don’t really have time for personal calls right now. I’m right in the middle of something,” I huffed, annoyed.

  “I don’t really care what you think you do and don’t have time for. You need to get your arse home now!” Mum commanded. For a prim and proper woman, she could be very persuasive when she wanted to be.

  “I have back-to-back appointments until after eight tonight. I’ll be home when I finish,” I countered. I could be just as stubborn as she was.

  “No, Joel. You will come home right now! Flowers won’t fix this,” she advised.

  I gulped. Mum was at my place. She knew about the flowers, which meant there was a very strong chance she knew why I sent them. I was in the shit. Deep, deep shit.

  “Let me see what I can reshuffle,” I offered.

  “Home within the hour,” Mum snapped forcefully before hanging up.

  I swore and cursed. My day was getting worse by the second. I’d already had a shocker at work, even telling my boss exactly what I thought of him, landing me a meeting with the CEO the following day. I knew that it didn’t matter how good a salesperson you were, there were some lines that, if crossed, were a sure way to prematurely end your career. I may just have pole vaulted over that line and kept running.

  I leant back in the chair, rubbing at the stubble on my chin. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going home and facing Mum, but the longer I put it off, the worse it’d get. I’d been in enough fights with her over the years to know the more time I gave her to stew in her rage, the worse it grew.

  Sighing heavily, I took off the headset and tossed it on the desk before shutting down my laptop, grabbing the car keys, and heading for the door.

  “Where the hell do you think you’re going now?” my boss snapped. He was already pissed off at my tantrum earlier.

  “Home,” I barked.

  “You have work to do. Get back to it.”

  “No. I can’t. My mother just called and something’s going on with the girls. I have to go.” He backtracked as fast as he could. Over the years I’d used the kids for a million different excuses and each time it had worked without question. I just prayed it wouldn’t fail me this time.

  “Whatever…just hurry up and get back here! You haven’t even made a sale in the past three months. If you don’t make one soon, you’re going to have bigger problems than your daughter breaking a fingernail,” he snorted, storming back into his office and slamming the door to make a point.

  In the car on the way home I drove too fast, too erratically. I almost caused three accidents in only five blocks. The stereo was up full blast, and I was singing along loudly, working out my frustrations on the steering wheel as I pounded along with the beat.

  Less than ten minutes later, with a screech of the Audi’s tires, I came to a halt at the top of the driveway behind my mother’s BMW. I didn’t even make it to the front door before the tirade began. Mum was waiting, arms folded across her chest, and she didn’t even bother to try to hide the pissed off expression on her face. “What? What the hell was so important that you call me at work and demand t
hat I come home? I’m not twelve anymore. You can’t just make these demands. And I am not going to just drop everything and…” I started.

  “Joel Jacob Matthews, don’t you dare talk to me in that tone. You really have no idea what you’ve done. Get inside,” Mum commanded, her brows furrowed.

  I looked at my mother. I’d seen her angry before but never this pissed off. She looked like she wanted to throw me over her knee and beat my arse. And when she used my full name, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sweet talk my way out of this one.

  I slunk into the lounge room, head down, a scowl on my face. Mum followed me in without a word. Silently she checked on the girls and wiped Bianca’s runny nose. After making sure they were okay, Mum gently closed the bedroom door, not wanting her granddaughters to hear what was about to be said.

  Striding purposefully back into the lounge, Mum sat opposite me. I was nervous. I’d already undone the top button on my shirt and loosened my tie, sweat beads gathering on my top lip. “Well?” I dared to ask.

  “Don’t you have something that you would like to explain to me?”

  “Not particularly.”

  “Don’t be smart with me, Joel. I am still your mother and what you’ve done is completely unacceptable. Do you get that?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Okay, well, maybe you can start by telling me how your wife got the marks and bruises on her shoulders, wrists, neck and back,” Mum invited, steely cold.

  “That’s between us, Mum. It’s none of your concern,” I spat back defiantly.

  Mum took a deep breath, sighed heavily, and looked at me with disappointment written all over her face.

  “Joel, what happened to you? Why are you so angry with everyone? Including me?”

  Running my hands through my hair, I was defeated. My head dropped sadly into the back of the sofa. I stared longingly at the ceiling, searching for answers. “Why can’t everyone just get off my case? I work hard to give my girls everything they could possibly want. Gillian has everything that she wants. I don’t know why she has to bitch and moan all the time.”

  “I raised you to be smarter than that,” Mum sighed, shaking her head.

  “What are you rambling on about now?”

  “Your daughters and your wife—they don’t need your money. They need you. Gillian needs you to be her husband. Her partner. Her lover and her best- friend. Not her bank account. And your daughters, Joel, they just need you to be there. They barely know you. And that’s your fault. You need to spend some time with your girls. Take them to the zoo. Play Barbies with them. They won’t care what it is. Just be a part of it.”

  “I’m trying, Mum, I’m trying.” I shattered. All the emotions I’d spent so much energy avoiding, hit me with full force. Mum came towards me and wrapped her arms around me. For a long time, not a word was said. We just sat in silence, while I sobbed into the safety of Mum’s arms.

  A screech brought the silence to an abrupt end. “I should go and check on them,” Mum went to move.

  “I’ll go,” I said, jumping to my feet, wiping my eyes with my sleeve and disappearing down the hallway.

  Stepping into the rumpus room, an unexpected smile crept over Mum’s face. My tie was wrapped tightly around the teddy bear’s neck and I was sitting cross legged on the floor, Bianca balanced in my lap, having a tea party with every doll and teddy in the house.

  GILLIAN

  “What the fuck is going on, Gillian?” Rhiannon demanded as the door slammed closed behind me.

  “Rhiannon, just back off,” Heidi instructed, nudging me forwards.

  As soon as I was inside, I was overcome with not only guilt but also fear. I hadn’t seen Rhiannon’s apartment since she moved in. It was the sort of apartment that everyone wanted. A grown-up apartment. Tastefully decorated with suede beige lounge chairs and white kitchen cabinets without the tiny handprints covering them. Everything was immaculately spotless, but it had its own place. I felt bad that even years after Rhiannon had moved into this light and airy place, with a view of the lake, I had never been here.

  “This is stunning,” I exclaimed honestly, taking in the breathtaking view. I didn’t want to sit down. I wanted the grand tour, to see the rest of a grown-up apartment. Secretly I was dying to see the bathroom. For some weird reason, bathrooms fascinated me. The things that they could do with tiles. It just made everything look clean and new and fresh.

  With her arms crossed angrily across her chest, Rhiannon was seething. “God, Gillian, enough! Heidi doesn’t send me a desperate text saying you’re coming to see me now over nothing.”

  “What the hell do you want from me, Rhiannon?” I snapped.

  “The truth. For once, Gillian, just tell us what’s going on with you. Let us help you. All you have to do is let us.”

  I looked at Heidi, who just shrugged helplessly. I stared at my two best friends in the whole world, my family, and I cracked. Suddenly my world started spinning. I felt sick. Something wasn’t right, I knew it wasn’t, but I wasn’t really sure what was wrong. I never got the chance to figure it out. The next thing I knew I was lying on Rhiannon’s lounge, a wet washcloth on my forehead. Heidi was trying to feed me orange juice through a straw. I tried to stand up, but Rhiannon pushed me back down.

  “What is wrong? Let me up.” My head was foggy and I wasn’t feeling great, but I was still okay. The spinning sensation was still there and out of nowhere I was exhausted, more tired than I ever remembered being before.

  “Gillian!” Heidi snapped. “Shut up, lie there, and talk to us. You just collapsed unconscious on the tiles, so stop being so damn stubborn and for once do as you are told. Just stay there, please.”

  After a while I noticed Rhiannon. She was standing in the doorway, one hand on her hip the other clutching a can of Diet Coke. She stared at me with sad bewildered eyes. Then as meekly as a mouse, Rhiannon asked, “Gillian, how’d you get the bruises on your back?”

  Humiliated, I began mumbling and tugging at my top. “But how did you…how do you…” I knew I was only rambling to try and buy myself some time to think of a plausible lie. It was bad enough that Adele knew the truth, but Rhiannon and Heidi really didn’t need to know. Too many people knew already.

  “When we picked you up your shirt rode up. Gillian. We love you, but you’re covered in disgusting black and blue bruises. They’re on your neck and your shoulders and your wrists. My God, Gillian, what happened?” Heidi asked. “Please let us help you. For once, just stop being so damn stubborn. Stop trying to deal with everything on your own. We can help you. All you have to do is let us.” Looking into my neglected friend’s face, I burst into tears. Instantly my nose was running, my eyes were blurry, and I was struggling to breathe between sobs. I cried openly and honestly for a long time. I felt like I couldn’t stop. There was just too much pain and misery behind my tears.

  After what seemed like a lifetime, I sucked in a deep breath, ran my fingers through my hair, rubbed at my eyes, and looked up again. They hadn’t moved. Not even an inch. Heidi and Rhiannon were still sitting there beside me, patiently waiting for me to pull myself together.

  “You okay?” Rhiannon asked, squeezing my shoulder supportively. With all the energy I had left, I nodded.

  “So?” Heidi enquired timidly.

  Gulping back more tears I confessed everything. I told them about how, after Charli was born, Joel and I grew so tired we barely had time for each other anymore, and then how after Bianca was born the cracks in our already fragile marriage just became too wide to hurdle. How the long hours Joel was working were making him crazy. Eventually I got to the part where I told him I was pregnant again and he blamed me for the long hours he had to work. He confessed that it was my fault he never got to see his family because I was too lazy to work. I surprised even myself when I told them about him pushing me across the kitchen and crashing into the corner of the kitchen bench and the horror that had followed.

  Once the barrag
e started spewing forth from my mouth, there was nothing I could do to stop it. By the end of it, Heidi was a blubbering mess, Rhiannon was the angriest I had ever seen her, and I was just drained. But the emptiness inside me wasn’t a bad thing. It was as if the private hell I had been stuck in for so long suddenly didn’t seem that bad. I had someone to share it and help me through it, to take away some of the hurt and anger and bitterness. Someone with new insight and a different way of looking at things.

  There was something comforting about Heidi and Rhiannon in that moment. I had been a bad friend—I would be the first to admit it and the last to deny it—but suddenly everything seemed different. All the years of neglect that I’d put them though, all the times I’d bailed on dinner or cancelled last minute on catching up, even all the text messages and emails that I had forgotten to return didn’t seem so bad anymore. The guilt that I had been carrying around, promising myself that one day I would make things right again, it all just seemed to simply vanish. After a very well-timed hug, a few tears, and a few meaningless threats, the bond between us was stronger than ever. And that gave me not only the strength to start but also the hope to win.

  After an hour I collected up my things. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. Adele will be going mad with the girls by now. I better go and save her.”

  I hugged each of them tightly. Heidi squeezed a bit too tight and I let out an involuntary gasp of pain. “Are you sure you’re alright?” Rhiannon questioned again.

  “Yeah. Just some deep bruising, nothing to worry about. It will be fine in a couple of days. It looks worse than it really is,” I admitted, tugging at my shirt protectively. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me what was wrong with me. This wasn’t my first rodeo.

  I had barely gotten out the door before they surrounded me in the gentlest and warmest hug I had received in a long time. Straining to hold back my tears, we stood there for a long time in the warm, silent embrace.