by Toni Aleo
“Well, that was a whole lot of fucks,” Mandie says, and any other time I’d laugh, but instead my fingers are moving up to my own chin. Where my mark is. That he caused.
Fucker.
Curling my lip, I sink farther into the backseat and search my phone for something angry to listen to.
“I just don’t get it! How dare he fool around all damn day, making us all think that he’s down to get some, and then when it’s time, he pussies out! It’s insane.”
“I thought we weren’t talking about it,” I say, but Delanie obviously doesn’t hear me.
“I mean Jace was great. I mean, holy shit, he is ripped in ways that are just downright wrong. And I saw Jayden without a shirt on—you would have had so much fun. I mean, his mouth alone was perfect! Could you imagine it on your hoo-ha?”
I had and I bet it would have been magical, not that I’m telling her that.
“Please, Lord, kill me now,” I moan as I will myself to decide on something to drown out her voice. I love Delanie, I do, but the chick dwells on shit. Even when it’s not her shit to dwell on!
“I mean, why aren’t you upset, Bay?”
“—lor,” I add for her.
But she waves me off. “Yeah, whatever, Baylor. Why aren’t you upset?”
Letting out a long breath, I close my eyes, letting my hand drop in my lap. Why didn’t I fly home? Dad even offered to fly me home. But I said no, I’d ride home with my so-called friends, but that was the worst idea of the fucking century.
No. Scratch that.
Ever talking to Jayden Sinclair was the worst idea of my fucking lifetime!
“Delanie, did it ever occur to you that I am upset, but unlike you, where I don’t verbally vomit my feelings, I’m good with just dealing with them on my own?”
Meeting my cynical look, she says, “Who deals with their problems on their own? That’s not healthy.”
“It’s really not,” Mandie adds. “You need to get it out of you before you go on a rampage and start breaking kneecaps.”
“Someone break mine and bash in my head while you’re at it, please!” I yell, at the end of my limits. “I swear, guys, I’m good.”
“No, you’re not,” Delanie yells, smacking the wheel. “You’re scaring me!”
“Why? How? I’m chilling in the back, no worries,” I say confidently.
“You didn’t even cry? I would have sobbed everywhere.”
“Because you’re a little bitch,” I answer, and while Mandie scoffs, Delanie glares at me in the mirror. It may have been a bit harsh, but she’s poking the damn bear here. “When have I ever cried over a dude? I don’t cry.”
Lies. All lies. I did cry. No one saw it though… Well, Jayden had earlier that night…but we aren’t speaking of that again in the history of ever.
“You cried over Seth a lot,” she says, and I don’t gasp. I expected her to say it, but Mandie obviously didn’t.
“What the shit, Del?” she scolds and I nod.
“And we don’t talk of that,” I point out. “For the sake of our friendship, I better never hear his name come out of that pretty mouth of yours again. Add Jayden to that list too, please.”
Looking back at me, she lets out a breath, shaking her head. “I’m just worried.”
“Dude, relax. I promise. If there was an issue, I’d tell you. The quicker I can forget that scum, the better,” I say with a shrug. “He’s no sweat off my back. I don’t even care anymore. I just want to go home and get ready for training season.”
“But he ruined our trip,” she says sadly, and he did, but I would never let her know that.
“No, not at all. I had the best weekend,” I say, faking a grin. She smiles back at me, and I know she wants to say more, but I don’t allow her to.
Looking down at my phone, I go to put on some I Prevail, but unfortunately, Mandie is turning in her seat, looking back at me. I try to ignore her, not wanting to make eye contact, but when she’s staring at me hard-core, I finally look up. Pushing pause, I say, “Yes, Mandie?”
“Just throwing this out there,” she says slowly, and I can already tell I’m not gonna like it.
“Yeah?”
“What if he was really trying to be a good guy,” she asks and my brow rises.
“How in the ever-loving fuck is he being a good guy, Mandie? Please enlighten me!” Delanie yells, and Mandie glares before smacking her in the arm, which in return causes the car to swerve. And I swear, I’m gonna die before I get into the NHL.
“Oh my God! Mandie, you almost killed us!” Delanie screams, righting the car and glaring while I hold on for dear life in the back seat.
I just want to go home.
“You overdramatic crybaby, shut up and drive!” she yells back, and I swear I’m gonna die. To my utter disbelief, though, Mandie then turns in her seat and proceeds to say, “I mean, maybe he did it to be nice because you two were drunk, and he didn’t want you to regret anything. He didn’t seem like a dick to me.”
“You are dumb,” Delanie says. Even though I had considered what Mandie is saying, I slap shot it out of my mind because he is the mayor of Doucheville.
No, the fucking king.
Asshole.
“Mandie,” I say softly.
“Yeah?”
“I love you, I do, but if you don’t turn around right now and never allow Jayden Sinclair’s name to leave your lips again, I will hurt you.”
Glaring, she says, “You can’t tell me you love me and then threaten to kill me all in the same sentence. I’m just trying to help here.”
“I said hurt.”
“Still.”
“Whatever, I’m trying to forget here,” I remind her. “Now, let’s all say it together, Jayden Sinclair and what happened with him is now an off-limits subject.”
“Seriously?” Delanie asks.
“Be real,” Mandie adds. “You can’t hold it in. I can see you are falling apart.”
“Seriously? I don’t fall apart over some dude who didn’t want me!”
“It was pretty bad,” Delanie says, sadness in her eyes. “I mean, I would be devastated.”
I mean, devastated is a little much. I would say a bit upset, not devastated.
But really, who is labeling what I am feeling? Lord knows I’m not.
Since I don’t want to drag this on any more than they already have, I shake my head.
“Please don’t make me jump out of this car,” I threaten, and they both snap their mouths shut, probably knowing I will do it. Anything to get away from them. “Please, let it be.”
When they don’t say anything, I thank the good Lord above and hit play on my phone. Somehow, “Elastic Heart” by Madilyn Bailey starts and I go to change it. But then I’m getting lost in the stupid, sad girlie music, and as my eyes shut, I know it’s to hold in the tears that I will never admit are about to fall. For the second time in one weekend, another song applies to my life.
Because Jayden Sinclair didn’t break me.
I have thick skin and yeah, an elastic heart.
No one can hurt me.
No one will ever get close enough.
I have no clue why I am working on my wrister, but I’m pretty sure that when my dad comes down to find all the holes in the wall from where I’ve missed the bucket I have as my goal, he might actually kill me.
At this point, I might be okay with that.
It’s been a week, a whole fucking week since that night with Jayden, and I can’t shake him. I hate to say this, but I did some girlie stalker shit and I Facebook searched him. I know, it’s sad.
When I found his profile, I looked through all of his pictures. Learned two things. His family is fucking gorgeous and he is so damn dreamy, which of course pissed me off even more. Then I started reading his wall, and really, I don’t understand why people have their stuff set on public, but he seems to be very well liked. Not only by girls but guys too. Even his mom posts on his wall, telling him how much she loves him. It was sw
eet and pissed me off more.
Then I went on his Twitter and his Instagram, and again, everyone loves him. He’s funny and charismatic, and I found myself so damn angry that I threw my phone to make it go away. Now I have a crack in my phone, but in a way, it was worth it. Because the guy on the phone was the one I had the pleasure of being around. The one who challenged me and made me laugh; then when things got hot and heavy, he blew me off.
Why?
That’s something I keep asking myself, along with a billion other questions. Was I not good enough? Did I suck at kissing? I mean, what? Yeah, we were drunk, got that. But who the fuck cares? What hot-blooded dude, a hockey player, says no to sex with a girl who obviously wants to suck his dick? I mean, it doesn’t make any sense!
Maybe Mandie was right, he was trying to be a good guy. But if that’s the damn case, why didn’t he tell me that? Why send Mandie in there when I’m naked and ready to fuck? If he would have just told me, none of that would have happened. Maybe we could have just chilled and talked, sobered up and then rocked each other’s worlds. I want to say it was the alcohol that had me wanting to hump him, but it wasn’t. It was all him. And that…pisses…me…off! I never let guys in. I never let them know the real me. The second guy I allow in rejects me. I mean, is it all a joke? Really? Is this my life? You know what? I quit. I quit dudes.
Which means I won’t be getting laid because I don’t have random sex with random dicks.
Whipping my stick back, it cracks against the puck, sending it hard into the bucket which sends the bucket into the wall. Grumbling, since my goal is all kinds of off, I walk to it, righting it. Then I realize that the damn puck went through the bottom of the bucket.
Fucking great.
“Well, the bucket’s done, and wow, so is the wall.”
Looking back at the door quickly, I find my dad watching me with a disgruntled look on his face.
Pointing at the wall, he says, “You know this house is a rental, right?”
I shrug. “Yeah. Sorry.”
“So now I have to replace your phone and the wall?”
Innocently, I say, “I can throw some money down?”
“Eh, fuck it,” he says, leaning against the wall, eyeing me. “Still bothered by that Joe guy?”
“Huh?” I ask, confused, and then I remember that I lied to my father. Not exactly sure why I kept Jayden’s name a secret, but I did, and I would do well to remember that. “Oh, no, not at all. Just mad.”
“Mad about?”
I tell my dad everything. He’s my best friend and I love him, but I also don’t want to admit that I’m still caught up on a guy who doesn’t matter to me. Has nothing to do with me, won’t ever see me again or anything. He didn’t want me, probably hasn’t thought of me at all, but yet, I’m here putting holes in the wall to try to mend the holes in my heart.
Oh, sweet Lord, I sound like a damn sappy romance novel.
Not that I read that stuff.
Anyway, along with not wanting to admit everything, I’m also not good at communication unless I am screaming at the person across the ice. On the ice, I command to be listened to, and I have no problem expressing my feelings. But outside of that, I can be a tad bit awkward or just plain mean. But with Jayden, I wasn’t; I was normal. I was fun and happy, and ugh, he brought out the good in me and then threw me to the side.
Fucking douche.
Shrugging my shoulders, I let out a long breath and say, “Okay, yeah, I’m still mad.”
“Have you tried looking for the dick? Obviously you two need to talk.”
Giving him a dull look, I ask, “What the hell would I say? Hey, Ja-Joe, why did you reject me when I thought you were gonna have sex with me?”
Making a face of pure disgust, my dad shakes his head. “Whoa. You could have left off that last part.”
I smile. “Sorry, but really, Dad, what would I say?”
“I don’t know, Bay. I just hate seeing ya hurt, ya know?”
I nod. “I just hate that I let him in so quickly. But Dad, if you would have seen him, you would have probably gotten a boner for him.”
“I highly doubt that,” he adds, but I ignore him, in my own dreamland, remembering every single detail about Jayden. The way his body moved. His quick grin and playful nature.
“He was so big and so great. He challenged me and made me work my ass off for every shot I took. I mean, it was like playing in game seven. And we were only playing some street ball. He didn’t care that I was a girl; he wanted to beat me and I don’t know why I liked that. When it was us, on the couch, it was just perfect. Ugh! I don’t like feeling like this!”
Chancing a glance at my dad since I’m sure he wants to puke, I find that he is nodding his head, obviously trying to find the words to console me. But what can he say? How can he fix this?
“I have a gun, Bay. I can find him and make him apologize.”
Dumbfounded, I can’t help but laugh before throwing my arms up. “Ladies and gentlemen, my father, River Moore.”
He grins at me, his eyes crinkling at the sides before he pulls me in close for a tight hug. Cuddling into him, I nuzzle my nose in the middle of his chest as his lips graze the top of my head. He smells like home, woodsy and musky all in one. He is a big, burly man. He’s my daddy.
Kissing me again, he whispers, “I know you’re hurting, Bay, but don’t.”
“Easier said than done, Big 50,” I say as my eyes shut slowly. Big 50 was his nickname when he played for the Bruins. His number was 50 and he’s huge, but now that’s my number. He sometimes calls me Little 50, and words can’t describe the feeling I get when that happens.
It’s almost like how I felt when Jayden kissed me.
“I know, but remember, this pain is temporary. When you’re playing for the best team in the NHL, scoring more than most men do, you won’t remember some guy from the beach who challenged you and made you feel a certain way. Will you?”
I shake my head, but it doesn’t feel right. I feel like I’m lying when I say, “No, I won’t.”
“That’s right, so erase him from your mind. We have bigger and better things in our future.”
He’s right, but the girl inside me, the one who craves love, chocolate, and sappy romance novels, misses Jayden and wants to know why. I want to beat her in the head and tell her to suck it up, but she’s a needy bitch. A part of me wants to succumb to her. I may even want to cry.
Insane, I know.
But I won’t tell my dad that. “Yeah, you’re right.
Pulling back, he takes me by my shoulders before meeting my gaze. “I’m always right.”
“Um, that’s highly debatable,” I say, and then I instantly regret that statement since I can still hear Jayden saying that to me. Holding in that emotion though, I smile back at my dad as he laughs.
“Anyway,” he says as his laugh subsides. “We need to talk about something.”
“I thought we were talking?”
He rolls his eyes before saying, “It’s more about the bigger and better things to come.”
My brow comes up. I’ve heard this before and usually it means we’re moving.
Again.
“I have an offer that is really hard to turn down. Head coach, mad money, and a winning team that I can make even better. Cliffy thinks it would be good for your game too to play with these guys,” he says, speaking of my agent.
Since I am always about making my game better to get to my ultimate goal, I nod. “Then there is really nothing to discuss,” I say with a shrug. “If it’s gonna make me better, let’s do it. But also, when I leave, you’re on your own and you have to be happy. If this job is it, then you take it.”
He slowly nods before looking away. “So you’ll come?”
“Of course,” I say automatically. “No one coaches me but my dad.”
He grins before looking back at me. “Then strap on your boots, Bay, because we are going to Nashville.”
It’s like he punches me squar
e in the chest. “Excuse me? Nashville?”
His grin widens as he nods. “Yeah, well, not actually Nashville, but Bellevue, Tennessee. It’s right outside of Nashville.”
Holy. Fuck.
“Bellevue?” I repeat, my heart jackhammering against my chest.
“Yeah, you’ve heard of the Bellevue Bullies, right?” I nod automatically. “I thought so, and yeah, they offered me top dollar. Their coach went to coach the Wild. Which is great for us because we’ll have fun there. I’m actually really excited about it, but I was worried you wouldn’t want to leave Delanie and Mandie and the team here.”
“No, I go where you go,” I mutter, and then he is grinning, his eyes sparkling with eagerness.
And as I look up at him, I know I am doing right, not only by him but for myself. Leaving behind my friendship with the twins is the least of my worries, though. While I want to tell him, fuck no, we aren’t going, I can see he really wants to go, that he is excited. And who am I to dim that? He’s done everything for me. Made all kinds of sacrifices for me and my career. So I’ll go. And I want to say, what are the chances that I’ll run into Jayden Sinclair? But I think it’s pretty easy to say the chances are very good.
Really fucking good, since I’ll be playing right alongside him.
It took two months for us to get moved and settled in Bellevue, and I have to admit, I love it here.
I hated leaving Delanie and Mandie. They cried and fussed over me, and I may have even teared up a bit, but I promised to stay in contact and I have. The guys from the team, you know, I think they were glad to see me go. Maybe not my dad since he was going to mold them into these fantastic, amazing players, but they were glad to be rid of their biggest competition. They didn’t even say bye to me, which kind of hurt. I’ve worked with these guys for the last two years and I thought we were cool, but apparently only the twins care one way or another if I’m gone.