Her Wedding Wish

by Jillian Hart

  Her hand remained in his, and that did feel the same, as it once had. His warmth was so alive; he felt so solid and capable. His one touch could open her heart the way nothing in this world could. Why did it feel as if she were sitting with a stranger?

  “Jonas!” Mark Whitman, a fellow state trooper and second cousin through Gran’s side of the family, came up to the table. “Sorry to interrupt, Dani.”

  “Not at all. It’s good for Jonas to see you.”

  “Yeah? It’s good to see Jonas out and about. We’ve been missing you in the shop.”

  “We work together?” Jonas rubbed his temple with his free hand. Was it possible that he was remembering?

  “That’s right. You were my sergeant. You mostly had a desk job, but now and then, to fill in on vacation, you went out on patrol.” Mark hesitated, as if afraid to say too much.

  That was why Jonas had pulled over a speeder that fateful night over a year ago. The man had an outstanding warrant, had panicked and shot Jonas without warning. The shooter had left him there, terribly wounded. He’d driven away and had never been caught.

  Jonas stopped rubbing his temple and gave Mark a smile. He pulled his hand away from hers to shake his fellow trooper’s hand. “Sorry I don’t remember you.”

  “No worries. I just thought I’d come over and let you know we’re praying for you and can’t wait for you to get back to your desk.”

  “Thanks, Mark.” Jonas looked so pale. “I can’t wait, too.”

  “Dani.” Mark gave a nod and went on back to his table far down the aisle.

  Heart thumping, she watched Jonas’s face carefully. He was rubbing his temple again. Did that mean there was a glimmer of a memory? Something familiar just out of reach? Hope nearly lifted her right off the seat.

  “Did he used to be a friend?”

  “Yes.” There it was: hope. A sign from heaven that her Jonas was coming back to her. She simply had to keep believing. Keep trusting that God would bring them together again. Gratitude filled her and she found it easy to smile. “You and Mark often went to the gym to work out together.”

  Marni returned to deliver their drinks and platter of mozzarella sticks, hot and crispy.

  “I used to like to go to the gym?” His lopsided grin was a little straighter, a little more like his old one. “Physical therapy is not fun. I don’t like to go now. Maybe that’ll change.”

  “It already is.” She felt it all the way to the bottom of her soul.

  Danielle navigated the minivan along the country road that swung along the wide banks of the Gallatin River. Dust kicked up behind them like a pleasant haze and leaves from the overarching trees rustled like music. She spotted the park’s entrance in a maple grove and pulled into the nearly empty gravel lot. Only a few utility vehicles were parked, awaiting their owners, who were probably serious hikers, judging by the late evening hour.

  “This is someplace important.” Jonas studied the trail leading into the national forest. “I brought you here on our first date?”

  “You did.” Danielle turned off the engine and grabbed the keys. The faint scent of dust and pollen hovered in the air as she closed the windows. “Do you remember why?”

  When he shook his head, she didn’t take that as a bad sign. There was a lot for him to remember, so much water beneath the bridge of their lives. “Are you feeling up to a short walk?”

  “Pretty lady, I would walk anywhere with you.”

  The sunshine on her face felt sweeter as she circled around the minivan to retrieve her husband’s walker. Her husband. Nothing felt better than being able to be here, with him, at his side. Joy lifted her up as if she were floating two inches above the ground.

  He waited, standing with one hand on the side of the van for support, while she unfolded his walker. “I’m not charming you now.”

  As he’d done on their first date. “What do you mean? I’m perfectly charmed by you.” She set the walker on the ground. “There was a lot I didn’t tell you about that night.”

  “Why didn’t you?” His handsome face tightened as he took the walker’s grips. How he must hate that thing. She couldn’t help laying her hand on the strong curve of his shoulder, not knowing what to say to comfort him.

  “Mostly because my family was listening to everything, and this is private, between you and me.”

  He shuffled the walker forward in the resistive gravel. “You said mostly. Because you want me to remember what happened.”

  “No.” I want you to remember me. Maybe it was selfish, she didn’t know, but she had never felt lonelier at her husband’s side. Never felt so lost with God’s beautiful nature and reassuring sunshine all around her. “My prayers were answered when you woke from your coma. Don’t you forget that.”

  He nodded as if in understanding but the strong line of his jaw hardened. He seemed to disagree with her. They walked in silence; it was easier for him that way. Birds twittered in the high branches, some taking flight at the approach of two suspicious humans in their midst. Others sang on sweetly. Fragrant wild roses tumbled on long canes toward the path. Jonas stopped his walker.

  He’s remembering. Hope hit her like a powerful wave and left her wobbling, left her dizzy. Did he remember how he’d stopped to pick her a bouquet of the sweet, gentle roses? Did he remember how much she loved their old-world fragrance? Because from the moment he’d given her the flowers, cupping her hand with his and gazing deep into her eyes, she had tumbled so fast and hard in love with him there had been no end to that love, no measure, no condition.

  Could it be that he knew? That he was coming back to her?

  Chapter Six

  Danielle watched her husband study the soft, open-faced roses for a few moments longer.

  He gave his walker a push and moved on. “You have bushes like that in the backyard.”

  Fine, so her hopes were too high. She stayed at his side. “Yes. You planted them for me the spring after we bought the house.”

  “Did I dig the holes for all the other plants and trees, too?”

  “Yes.”

  “I hope I didn’t dig that big hole for the swimming pool. That’s a lot of shoveling.”

  “No, but you offered to, as a joke.” They laughed together. How good that felt. It helped chase away her disappointment.

  As they reached the footbridge that spanned the ravine and the gurgling creek below, she brushed away the expectation that he would remember. Maybe she was pressuring him without meaning to.

  But she remembered how they’d stood in the middle of that span of narrow bridge and talked until sunset. That they’d walked back in the dark to his truck and sat talking in the parking lot for what seemed like a few more minutes, although it had been hours. They’d been hungry to know everything about one another, savoring the rush of emotion that seemed to come alive when they were together, and unable to let the evening end.

  How her mom had given her a talking-to when she’d come home at midnight! She hadn’t even been aware of the time passing back then.

  Now every minute felt like a century.

  He was breathing harder by the time they’d made it a third of the way across the bridge. He was tiring. Poor Jonas. “Let’s just stand right here at the rail.”

  “I can’t argue with that.” He worked so hard to keep his hardships from her, and he was doing it now with a smile in his voice.

  She knew, because it was what she did, hiding from him all the ways she was hurting.

  “This is a nice place to bring someone on a first date.” He was looking around at the lush green foliage and dappled trees and the span of sky showing the snowcapped peaks of the Rocky Mountain Range.

  “It was one of your favorite hikes along this trail. You don’t remember living down the road, do you? When you first moved to Montana to take a job with the state patrol, you rented a little house about two miles south of here.”

  “Your grandmother.” He lit up with realization. “When I met you. I see now.”

>   “Yes.” That was good enough for now. She covered his hand with hers and rubbed a little at his stiff muscles. He didn’t stop her. Touching him again dragged up more loneliness from her soul. How could she begin to explain how lonely she was for him? For his kiss, his strength, his shelter?

  “Are you disappointed in me?”

  “What?” She looked up into his sad eyes. “How can you say that?”

  “I can see a lot. How it was when I was in that coma. I can see the—the strain on you. The stress.” He tore his gaze away from her, staring out into the peaceful woods. Then down into the gulley where water swirled and bubbled.

  He’d seen all that? She broke a little more. Why had their wonderful, perfect lives shattered in the first place? It was not God’s doing, she had to remind herself, but a desperate man’s decision to shoot a gun—a man with free will.

  Her hands stilled, cradling Jonas’s. “All of this hasn’t been easy for me, it’s true. But it’s nothing at all, trust me, compared to what you’ve been through. I only want to make things easier for you.”

  “That’s my job. Not yours. I’m supposed to take care of you.”

  “And you’ve done such an amazing job all through our marriage. Can’t you see that, too?”

  He nodded. “We have a nice home. Comfortable things. We have the kids. They need me to take care of them, too.”

  How tortured he looked, struggling so hard not to show it. But she could see, now that he was not keeping it hidden so deeply from her. “Then you also know that all the stress and worry and nights in the hospital by your side, I did for you. To take care of you.”

  “You didn’t leave me. Your sisters have said that.”

  “Of course I stayed with you. Because I love you.”

  His jaw trembled once—just once. That was her Jonas, so tough on the outside, so tender inside. “I see how you are. How hard you work to take care of the kids. Of me. You did all that, and for what? For this. For me, now.”

  She saw the pain stark on his face and felt it in her heart. That was how it had always been between them. “Oh, Jonas. No. Do you think I’m disappointed that you use a walker?”

  “That’s a nice way of saying I’m disabled. That’s what they call me now and it makes you sad.” He stood soldier-strong, worrying not for himself, but for her.

  She could feel that, too. “No, handsome. That’s not why I’m sad. I don’t care about those things. You’re here. That’s what matters to me. That you’re right here with me.”

  “You need a whole man. A strong husband.”

  “I need you, Jonas. You. No one else. Just the way you are. However you are. Don’t you know how proud I am of how hard you worked to beat the coma? To fight to recover as much as you can?”

  His throat worked. “I’m fighting hard for you. For the kids.”

  “I know. I fought hard for you, too, all those long days and nights in the hospital. Can’t you see how it was? I wasn’t sitting there for my own reasons. I was there for you. So you wouldn’t be alone in the dark. So you wouldn’t die—if that happened—alone without my hand in yours.” Tears burned in her eyes but she could not look away from him until there was understanding in his eyes.

  Realization changed his face. His eyes softened with understanding. His hand in hers relaxed, as if this worry had been the reason for his tension. How could he think she was ashamed he wasn’t the same? That he was no longer strong? He was the strongest man she’d ever known, especially now. Somehow she had to let him know that.

  She took a wobbly breath, hearing the emotion catch like a sob in her throat and did her best to explain. “I never stopped believing in you. Never stopped having faith that you would open your eyes. That’s why I stayed, too. So that when you woke up, you were not alone.”

  “You did all that for me.”

  “Yes. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want you to leave me. But either way, regardless of what happened, you would have my love.”

  A muscle ticked in his jaw, but he said nothing. He looked as if he couldn’t.

  She could feel that, too. His relief. His gladness, which hurt like sorrow. “No matter what, you have my love. Everything I do is for you, Jonas. It’s always been that way since the first time we were standing on this bridge all those years ago.”

  “Is that when you fell in love with me?”

  “Yes. On our first date. I’ve never had a moment of doubt since then. You’ve never given me a reason to. Especially not now. Do you understand?”

  “I do.”

  Deep with emotion, his voice moved through her like a hymn, strengthening her, but it wasn’t enough. Do you love me? She ached with the question she was not strong enough to ask. It would put too much pressure on him, she reasoned, to feel what he was supposed to, not what was. And if she were honest with herself, she was too afraid to ask that question. She did not think she could hear the word no, even if it were the honest answer and not his fault.

  She was still a stranger to him; there was still a lot of distance to bridge between them. But it was a start. They were headed in the right direction, and with his hand in hers, it was clear that they were no longer heart-to-heart. They were not emotionally connected, the way they always used to be.

  “You look sad. I do that to you.”

  “You don’t, no.” She squeezed his hand with hers. Love bubbled up, ever renewed like the creek below them, always running, always singing. “Thank you for waking up, Jonas. For coming out of that coma. That’s what matters.”

  “No.” He studied her with surprising intent. “You want things the way they were. You want a whole man for a husband.”

  Why couldn’t he understand? “Jonas, all I want is for you to love me.”

  There were the words, tumbling out the way they always used to. She’d always told Jonas everything; as he had done for her. There had been no secrets between them until now. There were very many secrets, all for the right reasons. Words she could not say to save them both pain.

  In the silence she hung her head, waiting, just waiting, knowing her Jonas would only speak the truth to her, and knowing that he could not say and feel what she needed.

  He broke the silence. “I was looking at the wedding pictures. We were happy.”

  “One of the top three best days of my life.”

  “The other two. When Tyler and Madison were born?” His question was more than the fact that he didn’t remember those days, much more. It meant that he was starting to know her, just a little.

  Memories warmed her. “At midnight on the eve of our wedding there was a knock at my bedroom window. Nearly scared the stuffing out of me. I pulled back the curtain and there you were, grinning through the glass at me standing in the middle of the shrubbery.”

  He chuckled. “I did that?”

  “Yes you did, handsome, and with a handful of flowers. When I opened the window, you told me that you’d come for a kiss, since it was officially our wedding day.”

  “Did you kiss me?”

  “After I whacked you with my pillow. We were laughing as we kissed, and then you left me. I had the sweetest dreams that night. I wanted to marry you so much.”

  “I know that from the pictures. I also know that I was feeling the same way. We both looked happy.”

  “We were.” Beautifully happy. It wasn’t right what happened. Jonas did not deserve what happened to him. And now they were left with pieces of that beauty and bits of their love.

  “We will be again,” he promised. “I’ll make sure of it.”

  The sun chose that moment to cast its last light on their world, calm and golden and translucent: the exact color of hope.

  Danielle was in the hallway, closing the garage door behind them, when she heard Madison’s sleepy voice call out from her bedroom. “Daddy! Kiss-kiss!”

  “Lucky you.” It felt great to see how pleased Jonas looked that his daughter wanted him. Another thing almost back to normal. She touched his elbow. “Go on. No doubt Tyler
is watching for you, too. I want to talk with Rebecca for a few minutes, then I’ll be along.”

  “Okay.” Jonas’s step was almost chipper as he manhandled the walker down the hallway.

  Memories clung to her like the shadows. Images of before Jonas had been shot, barreling down the hallway to scoop Tyler up into a hug. Or with Madison on his shoulders squealing with delight. Of Jonas quietly checking on the sleeping children, adoration shining off him as he carefully shut one door and then the other. Of how he would turn to her, smile and wink at her. That they could be alone once the kids were asleep.

  She watched Jonas disappear through Madison’s doorway. He didn’t look back at her. He didn’t wink or look forward to their alone time after putting the kids to sleep. Tears scored the back of her eyes and she blinked them away. The empty hallway stared back at her, and she heard Madison’s faint giggle. She smiled, brushing away the sting from her eyes. She just wanted their lives put back together again.

  It would take time, that’s all. Madison’s giggle floated down the hall, and it warmed her. She steeled herself, clung to the hope she’d felt on the bridge as the sun had set on them. She headed through the kitchen to the dining room.

  Rebecca looked up from packing her tote. “That Madison. All the cutie did was get out of bed and keep asking where you two were.”

  “At least she’s over her fears. When Jonas came home I was afraid she wouldn’t be close to him again.” Danielle pulled out a chair and collapsed into it. Since it felt good just to sit there, she had to conclude that she was more tired than she’d thought. “How are things going with you?”

  “Oh, just hunky-dory, thankyouverymuch.” Rebecca kept packing one thick textbook after another into her backpack. She had a big smile on her face but shadows of pain in her eyes. The breakup with Chris had been hard on her. “Ava came by earlier with some cookies for the kids. Katherine called a few minutes ago just to chat. She wants you to call her back when you can. I think she wants the scoop on how tonight went. Oh, and Spence dropped by for the bookstore’s financial statements.”