by Arizona Tape
‘You love her?’ Manuel interrupted my self-loathing thoughts.
Good question. Did I? I looked deep inside myself and knew there was only one answer.
‘Yes.’ I simply said, not needing more words. Not even finding the strength to lie.
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Is there any chance that they aren’t the same?’ I asked, holding onto a little glimmer of hope. Manuel checked the picture again and sadly shook his head.
‘No. I would recognise her face anywhere.’ he said, releasing the darkness inside me.
Why? Why did the one girl I let in have to be a fake?
I grabbed the phone and rapidly started typing.
— I need to see you. —
I sent, having to hear it from herself.
— Aren’t you eager. I can come by tonight, say around 9, give you something to look at? ;) —
I felt so nauseated I almost threw up. The flirting I used to like so much just made me sick right now.
— Sure. —
I managed to send, trying not to burst into tears. I threw the phone away and tried to collect myself. How was I gonna make small talk when all I wanted to do was grab her and shake her and yell. Yell the questions that had been roaming around in my head.
Why?
Why me?
Why did you make me really fall for you?
How can you live with yourself, lying and deceiving?
Questions that I wanted answered, needed answered. If I was strong enough I could even ask the one question that had been eating me up.
Do you even love me at all?
And another question, one I didn’t even want to say out loud. A question that made me loathe myself more than I thought was possible. And it wasn’t even a question.
Stay. Don’t go…
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it didn’t help. I still felt like I hadn’t enough air. How was I gonna manage this conversation?
‘I’ll give you some privacy. I can come back later for the files.’
I completely forgot about Manuel. I turned around and nodded, not trusting my own voice.
‘Here is my number, you can call me anytime.’ he gently said, handing me a piece of paper with some numbers scribbled down.
I gratefully nodded and put on my brave face.
‘I’ll let myself out.’
I nodded again, my insides emotionless.
When I heard the front door fall in the lock I broke down. Tears streamed soundlessly down my face, my hands clenched tightly and my legs stopped supporting my weight, so I slumped down on my kitchen floor.
I know the heart is a muscle, so technically it can’t break, but I felt heartbroken. Or whatever the right term, I was heartbroken, heartcrushed, heartshattered.
30. Winter
Cara Hemlock
I prepared myself to see Lexi, by buying a new dress. Not that I was trying to impress her or anything.
Oh, who am I kidding, of course, I was trying to impress her. And this gorgeous red dress ought to do it. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to guess what Lexi would think. Would she like the black heels? Would she like the earrings?
‘Legs.’ I muttered while letting my hand glide over my legs. Were they still smooth? Check.
‘Hair.’ I went on, turning around, trying to look at it from another angle. Didn’t it look silly when you saw me from this side?
‘Perfume.’ I suddenly remembered. I ran towards my bedroom and grabbed the bottle. I carefully sprayed it on my pressure points, not using too much. Perfect.
I winked at my reflection. Hmm…Odd. I always thought it looked good when I winked. At least, I always got good reactions off of it. But now it looked just silly.
I winked again. No…Hmm, maybe with the other eye. Another wink. Now flash a smile. Again. Wink. Smile. Didn’t I look odd doing that? Wink again. Ah, better. But still weird. Maybe Lexi liked women who did weird winks. Let’s hope so.
Time to roll, baby.
I stepped into my car, checked my watch for the last time and started the motor.
Luckily there wasn’t too much traffic so I let my mind wander off.
Lexi never asked anything about the business cards or the pills.
Maybe she found out and wanted to confront me?
Why didn’t she ask about the pills?
Maybe she didn’t read the cards.
The pills did look normal, so they could have been anything.
I was ripped out of my daydreaming when I heard a long, penetrating car honk. I immediately focused my attention back on the road and saw that I had run a red light. The driver who I had cut off was honking furiously and shaking his fist at me, making a crude hand motion. I apologetic raised my hand and quickly drove away, abandoning my thoughts and focusing on the road. A couple of minutes later I arrived at Lexi’s house and still a bit shaken I rang the doorbell. As soon as she opened the door, I screamed.
‘I WAS ALMOST A GONER!’
Lexi flinched and took a step back. She had a weird look on her face.
‘I got almost in a car accident, well, not almost, I just kind of zoned out. But the other car, he was honking like crazy, like THAT was even necessary.’ I continued my rant, stepping inside her house and quickly kissing her on her cheek.
She still looked at me with big eyes. Guess I was being a bit overwhelming.
‘He probably thought that he was in his right to honk, but honestly, the light probably JUST changed from yellow to red.’
Still a weird look on her face.
‘I zoned out and I didn’t see that the light was red and a guy in a car honked and then almost murdered me with his eyes.’ I explained in a calmer tone, trying to get the message across that it wasn’t my fault.
‘Well, you should be happy that he at least stopped and didn’t just run you over.’ Lexi said, her tone icy cold while she looked me dead in the eye.
‘Hey, he didn’t have to give me the middle finger.’ I defended myself, finally noticing that there was something wrong with Lexi.
‘Besides, I was thinking about you, so who’s fault is it really?’ I grinned, trying to lighten the mood. Didn’t work though.
‘Oh yeah? Thinking about me? Like what, huh, the best way to fucking break my heart?’ Lexi spat, angrily glaring at an invisible spot somewhere above my head.
I frowned my eyebrows and took a step closer. Why was she so mad?
‘Don’t. Come. Any. Closer.’ she growled, stretching her arms to keep me at distance.
‘Okay, okay.’ I muttered, holding my hands up in a surrendering gesture. ‘What’s got you all worked up?’
‘What’s got me all worked up? Funny that you would mention “work”. I know what you do for a living.’ she huffed, sarcastically quoting the word “work”.
Shit. She couldn’t have found out what I did for work. Shit.
I knew I shouldn’t have left those business cards.
‘W-What do you mean?’ I stammered, completely thrown off my game.
‘I know what you are doing here…Oh yeah, I know it. You are here for my father’s files.’ she screamed while pointing her index finger at my face. Then she threw her hands up in the air and stormed into her bedroom. I froze for a moment, not entirely sure what I should do.
How did she know not only what I did for work, but also why I was here? Did she figure it out that easily?
I knew she was smart but was I that transparent?
‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. FUCK!’ I heard her yell in the distance.
I finally got my body to move and cautiously followed her into her bedroom. She sat on the ground next to a safe and was surrounded by sheets and files. How did I not notice that safe earlier on? I had been in her bedroom multiple times before.
‘Here, why don’t you take them. Fucking take them all. That’s why you are here, aren’t you?’ She cried loudly and threw some files at my head. I quickly dodged them and crouched down next to her.
<
br /> ‘Sweetie…’
‘Don’t call me that, don’t you dare call me that.’ she interrupted.
‘Lexi.’ I started again, trying really hard not to cry myself. ‘Give me a chance to explain.’
‘I don’t care, I don’t fucking care.’ she hollered, while she crawled up into a ball. I swallowed the lump in my throat and bit back my tears.
‘Lexi, please. Please, let me explain.’ I begged, not knowing what else to do.
She wiped the tears off her face and sat down on her bed. If I already thought the guy in the car had been trying to murder me with his eyes, then Lexi was trying to send me to hell right now. Shit, her eyes were spitting fire.
‘Okay. Why not. Let’s see how you wanna justify this.’ she said, in an almost challenging tone.
‘I-I…God, I was just doing my job. I didn’t know that I was gonna meet someone as wonderful as you.’ I whispered, not knowing where to start.
I threw a look at Lexi, who was still staring me down with an icy glare.
‘I was sent out to get information about your father’s work. The easiest way to do that is to get close to someone.’
‘Oh, you got close alright.’ she spat out acidly.
‘I meant everything, swee…Lexi.’ I honestly admitted, not knowing what to say so that she would believe me.
‘I’m sure you did. Keep talking.’ she sarcastically snorted, like I knew she would.
‘I tried to stop the mission, I really did. I asked my boss but he forced me to give you the love pill…’
As soon as I said it, I knew that I made a mistake. I mentally slapped myself on the forehead. Lexi’s eyes shot up and I could feel her glare burn a hole in my face.
‘What did you say?’ she curtly snapped. ‘Love pill? Explain.’
Shit. As if my story wasn’t bad enough…
‘You know those pills you found? They are love pills…They make, well, you know, people fall in love. Fall in love with the person who gives them…In this case, me.’ I silently muttered, preparing myself for her outburst. She had been angry before, but this was gonna send her into a rage I wasn’t prepared to face.
‘YOU FUCKING GAVE ME WHAT?’ Lexi jumped up and placed her index finger on my chest.
‘You! You. Gave. Me. A. Love. Pill?’ she growled, her finger punching the pauses between every word. I flinched back in pain and took a step away from here.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to, honestly. Lexi, you have to believe me. I care so much about you. I do.’ I pleadingly said, looking her in the eye.
‘Oh yeah, I’m sure I mean so much to you. Are you even gay?’ she questioned, staring back, her eyes freezing cold.
‘Hehe, about that, eeuhh…No, not really?’ I muttered, for the first time hating that I was indeed straight.
‘Guess that makes you a complete fake.’
‘I really like you, Lexi, I do. I’m not supposed to fall for my missions, but I did. Believe me. Please.’ I begged. At this point, I was willing to even go down on my knees and beg her.
‘How long until it stops?’
‘Stops what?’
‘Your pill. How long until it stops working?’
‘About a week.’
Lexi nodded and extended her hand. ‘Give them to me. All of them.’
I know I wasn’t supposed to give them, but like I said earlier: I was willing to do everything. I reached into my pocket, took out the little box and gave it to Lexi.
‘Good. Now get out.’ she calmly said, while turning around.
What?
‘What?’
‘Get out. I said get out!’ she yelled, pointing at her door. No, no, no, she wasn’t throwing me out.
‘Lexi, let me explain. I want you to know that my feelings are real.’ I tried, knowing that I couldn’t leave before she knew that I liked her.
‘Well, and what about my feelings? What about me?’ she wept, breaking my heart.
‘Did you for a second think about my feelings?’
‘All the time. Lexi, all the time. I fell for you, okay? You made me feel things I never felt before. God, I wanted to tell you, I really did. Please don’t cry, sweetie.’
This time I couldn’t hold back my own tears. I felt them stream down my face, leaving a burning hot trail. I shuffled towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder. When she didn’t immediately reject me, I extended my other hand and turned her around. Tears were silently falling out of her pretty eyes. I pulled her into a comforting hug, although I’m not sure who was comforting who.
‘I wanted you to know, to find out, but not like this. I wanted to tell you myself.’ I whispered in her hair. ‘How did you even find out?’
‘Manuel. Or William. The name I gave you, he came looking for me and he knew you.’ Lexi mumbled, her body still pressed tightly against mine.
Did I know a Manuel? I racked my brains, did I know a Manuel?
‘Manuel Iciar?’ I asked, hoping it wasn’t him.
‘Yes, that’s him.’ she sniffled, her tears finally drying.
That son of a bitch. Why would he rat me out like that? He used to be my mentor, years ago, when I was still a teenager. It had been so long, I had almost forgotten about him. Still, it was him who had taught me the value of our country. It was him who had gotten me so driven and passionate about my work. He had been my first and fiercest supporter when I started studying for this job.
‘I’m so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.’ I apologised, inhaling her scent.
She suddenly pulled out of the hug and pushed me away.
‘You never wanted to hurt me? Your whole job exists out of lying and cheating.’ she scoffed and walked out of her bedroom. I quickly ran behind her, trying to catch up.
‘I know, but I meant, when I started to get to know you! You have no idea how I feel about you, God, Lexi, I’m in love with you.’ I blurted out, hoping that she would turn around and look at me.
‘Could you please look at me?’ I pleaded desperately.
She stopped and turned around, to my surprise. Well, good to know that I just had to ask. Her eyes found mine and I saw her glare soften.
‘I mean it, I liked you too soon and too fast. Since the very start and since then I’ve been trying not to hurt you.’ I admitted to her and to myself.
‘Well, guess what, I got hurt. Thanks for trying, though, I appreciate it. Now please, just…Just leave. Take your stupid files and get the hell out of my house.’ she dismissed me in the most casual, calm way. That was even worse than her screaming and crying. Her pretending she didn’t care.
‘Lexi, come on…You have to understand. I was just doing my job, and I believe in what we do. We do great things, what we do is for our country.’ I said, feeling sick. I did believe in my job and in our results. What do they say, the cause justifies the means? Well, Lexi made me question our means, but not our cause.
‘You don’t get it, do you? Screw the files, I couldn’t care less about them. Fuck, you could have just asked me. I’m angry that you made me fall for you!’ Lexi screamed, and even though she was angry as hell, her words made my insides melt.
‘You fell for me?’ I said, trying really hard to contain my smile because I knew that that would make her livid.
‘Is that the only thing that you heard?’ Lexi scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief.
What? Not my fault that that made my insides jump for joy.
‘Whatever…That’s probably because you gave me those stupid pills. Anyway, I’ve had enough. Get out of my house and this time I mean it. I’m done talking to you.’
I heard her tone and I knew her well enough to know that we were indeed done talking. I opened my mouth, but closed it as soon as I realised that I didn’t have anything left to say. I turned around, tried to say something once more, but decided against it and just walked towards her front door.
Suddenly Lexi spoke up. ‘You know what? Actually, I’m glad that you gave me those love pills. That means that in a couple o
f days I’ll just fall out of love, no big deal. You’ll just be a bad memory.’ She venomously spat out, making my insides cringe. She was probably right. In a couple of days, she would ask herself what the big deal was about me and just move on.
Me on the other hand, I would be forever haunted by the ghost of our relationship. By the pain I had caused her and the shards of my own broken heart.