by Arizona Tape
I nodded, although she couldn’t see me, since she was still standing with her back towards me. I waited, maybe she had something else to say, but her silence was very clear. I turned around and removed myself from her house.
The door fell loudly in its lock.
‘Goodbye, Lexi.’ I whispered, needing some sort of closure. I stepped off her porch and the cold winter’s air filled my lungs, but I didn’t feel any of it. I was already cold inside and the beginning winter had nothing on me.
I walked towards my car and it was one of the longest walks in my life. Everything I did afterwards was just autopilot. I put my seatbelt on, started the engine and drove off. I have no idea how I even got safely home. I sat down on my couch, feeling, well…I don’t know how I felt. I felt nothing.
I wasn’t sad or angry, nor relieved or pained. There was no joy, no warmth, no nothing. Only guilt. Crippling guilt.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so empty.
31. Want
Cara Hemlock
‘Cara? Cara! Open up. I know you are in here!’
I groaned in annoyance and rolled my eyes. Couldn’t Ruben just leave me alone?
‘Cara, if you don’t open this door, I’m gonna count to three and if you don’t open up, I’m gonna break down your door!’ he screamed, using that old childish trick. Like I’m gonna fall for that.
‘One.’
I scoffed and yawned. Whatever.
‘Two. You don’t wanna do this, Cara!’
What’s on the TV? Hmm…Rizzoli and Isles. Nope, reminded me of Lexi. Next.
‘Two and a half!’
Fine, no TV it is. Maybe I’ll just read a book?
‘Three.’ Ruben finally screamed. I looked expectantly at the door and smiled when I heard the loud thud.
‘Auuwww, fucking motherfucker! Shit, your door is sturdy!’ Ruben cursed, probably jumping around in pain. I rolled my eyes and walked towards his moaning sounds. I unlocked the door and opened up. Ruben was curled down on the floor, one hand holding his shoulder and groaning.
‘Your own fault. You should have known that you are not a superhero.’ I smirked, walking back into my flat. I heard Ruben scoff and as I expected he just stood up and followed me in.
‘I could have been really hurt!’ he pouted, his brows furrowed and his lip stuck out.
‘I knew that you weren’t hurt.’
‘Yeah, uh, well, whatever.’ he mumbled and sat down on my couch. I shrugged my shoulders and also sat back down.
‘Anyway. How are you?’ Ruben asked, his tone going from playful to serious.
‘I’m fine.’ I lied, although we both knew I wasn’t. I hadn’t come to work for over a week, my phone had 34 missed calls and 62 unopened texts. I just couldn’t be bothered.
‘You’re not. Have you heard from her?’
I shook my head. I hadn’t. The first four days I had sent her texts and left her voicemails, but she didn’t answer any of them so I just stopped. Okay, stopped is not true, I just toned it down a bit. I only sent her a goodnight text, so she knew I was still thinking about her.
‘Have you gone to see her?’
I frowned my eyebrows and shook my head.
‘God, no, I’m not a stalker!’ I shouted, annoyed at myself that I just hadn’t found the courage to go over there and face her again. Part of me was convinced that I didn’t deserve a girl like her, not after what I did to her.
Maybe she was better off without me…
‘Well, maybe you should become one. At least you would come out of your flat.’ Ruben muttered under his breath. I’m sure the last sentence was an insult but I didn’t care enough to give a quick retort.
‘I don’t think our boss agreed on you staying home for a week.’ he said, trying another angle. Again I just shrugged and rolled my eyes. Manuel was our new boss and he owed me.
‘Our new boss and I go way back.’ I smiled, recalling the event.
—
‘I’m done.’ I curtly said, placing an envelope on my boss’ desk.
‘If that’s your letter of resignation, I’m not accepting it.’ my boss muttered, pushing the envelope back to me.
‘Lexi found out. You know our friend Manuel? He was the William we were looking for. Well, he found Lexi and he “enlightened” her.’ I huffed and sat down in a chair, frustrated as hell.
‘You mean Manuel blew your cover?’
I nodded and put my hands up in the air in an “I give up” gesture. My boss frowned his brows and shook his head.
‘That’s weird. Why would he do that? He knows how important it is to never blow someone’s cover.’ he muttered.
‘In fact, a few days ago he took the job on our fourth floor.’ he added, trying to understand what was going on.
‘Manuel works here again?’ I shouted, not believing my ears.
I snatched my letter back and stood up, steam coming out of my ears.
‘I’ll give him my letter of resignation, the fucking asshole.’ I cursed while stomping out.
I furiously pushed the elevator button, giving it a taste of my anger. Since the elevator decided not to show up anytime soon, I just ran up the stairs. Huffing and puffing I arrived at Manuel’s office. He had a curious look on his face and opened his mouth.
‘Ehmm…’
I put up my hand in a silencing motion and tried to catch my breath.
‘You know we have an elevator right?’ he humorously said, his eyes twinkling in joy.
‘Whatever…You ruined my relationship with Lexi.’ I panted.
What? I ran up a whole flight of stairs and I had no endurance.
Manuel cocked his head to the sight and grinned. ‘That is an interesting take.’
‘What is interesting?’ I spat out, glaring angrily at him. God, it was nice to see him again. I meant, fuck him.
‘That you are more concerned about your relation instead of the mission. Which, by the way, I also ruined.’
Manuel snorted, shaking his head in amusement.
‘You ruined everything. Why? We used to be tight. Why did you screw it up for me?’ I asked, my angry tone changing into one of confusion.
‘I was working for the Bureau and I needed the documents. Besides, I only warned her, after I got access to the files. Duty first, right? After that, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to tell her the truth. I didn’t realise you already gave her a love pill. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have said anything. Just thought she deserved a warning.’
‘But you work here now! We are working for the same team again!’ I yelled at him, throwing my hands up in exasperation.
‘I didn’t know I would be working here again. You know I am not bound to any company, I just do what the bureau tells me to. Regardless, my mission and your mission was a success. you will still get credit for it.’ he said, like I cared for that.
‘I couldn’t care less. Lexi is furious.’ I muttered, knowing well enough that she had to find out eventually.
‘She is the daughter of my best friend. My best friend who died very recently. She can use all the support she needs and I thought she was genuinely falling for an agent. That isn’t helping. I was just trying to protect her. If they had contacted me sooner, she would have never been a target.’
The daughter of his best friend. Boo-hoo. He once used to treat me like one of his own. Guess that ship sailed long ago…
‘I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to fix it.’ I mumbled, more to myself than to him. I started pacing around, wrenching my hands and exhaling annoyingly loud. ‘What if she never wants to talk to me again?’
‘Wait…Do you like her? As in, do you actually like her?’ Manuel interrupted my pacing. I looked at him and saw confusion all across his face.
My face must have spoken for itself.
‘Wow. I didn’t know you were into her. I just wanted to protect Lexi because I thought she was falling for a pitch. I would have told her, no matter who it was.’ Manuel explained, and as always, even if I
didn’t want to hear him, I still listened to him. Guess you can’t lose respect in one night.
‘I thought she was falling for a seducing act. I didn’t know that your feelings were genuine. And, oh, that’s right, weren’t you straight?’ he smirked, making me roll my eyes. As always, he was right. Of course, he would have thought that I didn’t like her. He had no reason to believe otherwise.
One. I had never fallen for one of my missions in the past.
Two. She was a woman and I was very straight.
‘I care for her very much. And I am straight.’
Manuel pressed his hand over his mouth, trying to cover up his snorting sound, but failed miserably.
‘Sure. Straight.’
I shook my head and let myself fall down in a chair. This sucked, it all sucked. Life sucked.
‘I am not attracted to women. There is just something about Lexi that is irresistible.’ I sighed in defeat. What the hell was wrong with me? I came here to scream at Manuel, but instead, we fell back into our old pattern.
It was good to see him. He had been overseas for so long and given the line of our work, there wasn’t much time left for a regular life. But that is how we liked it.
‘I never pictured you with a woman, but she’d fit you well, I guess.’ he thoughtfully said, his eyes squinted together like he was thinking really hard about it. ‘Yeah, I could see you guys together.’
‘Yeah, let’s not forget the fact that she doesn’t believe I like her and that she’ll never talk to me again?’ I let out a big breath and tried not to get too emotional.
‘I’m sorry, Cara, I am. If I had known…’ Manual apologised, also letting out a big sigh.
‘What’s done is done. By the way, my letter of resignation. I’m done.’ I said, suddenly remembering the envelope in my hand. I threw it on his desk, feeling a burden fall off my shoulders. No more spy work for me.
‘I’m not accepting that. You are the best.’ Manuel protested, shaking his head fiercely.
‘I’m done with the seducing, the lying, the cheating.’ I explained myself, knowing that I couldn’t get Lexi back if I still worked here.
‘So, it’s true what they say. The right person can indeed make you an honest woman.’ he smiled, looking lovingly at me.
‘I guess so.’ I admitted, noticing that him calling me honest was not an insult as usual, but actually a compliment. That was a first.
‘If you aren’t accepting my resignation, I’m taking a leave. As long as I want.’ I said, well, demanded. Oh, what the hell, I was like his daughter, he tolerated everything and we both knew it.
‘Fine.’ Manuel said, looking strained. I knew he didn’t like it, but he wasn’t the type to refuse me anything. I flashed him a cheeky grin and walked over to his chair. I extended my arms and pulled him in an all too familiar hug.
—
‘You are going to Lexi’s and you are gonna talk to her. Sitting here, moping around isn’t gonna help you. Now move. MOVE.’ Ruben commanded, shooing me out of my own couch. I stood up and he immediately swung his hairy legs over the full length of my couch. I groaned in frustration but he didn’t move. I rolled my eyes and noticed that I could indeed use a shower.
‘I’m taking a shower because I want to, not because you said so.’ I huffed while pointing and waving my index finger at him. He just smiled and grabbed the remote.
Whatever.
An hour later Ruben pushed me out of his car. Like, literally pushed me out.
‘Go get em, tiger!’ he growled, making the rawr sound and hand movement. If he wasn’t such a man whore, I could see him being my gay best friend.
I audibly swallowed and walked up to her porch. I know it couldn’t have been more than five meters, but it took an eternity. My body felt so heavy…Finally, I reached her front door. I placed my finger over the doorbell and…didn’t ring it.
What was I gonna say? Was there something left for me to say? Did I even have the right to still talk to her?
Ruben must have thought I took too long because he jumped out of his car, jogged towards me, pressed the doorbell hard and long, sprinted back to his car and drove off.
‘Hey! How am I gonna get…’ I shouted at Ruben, not noticing Lexi opened the door, until I turned around.
‘…Home.’ I awkwardly finished. God, she looked so beautiful. Damn, I missed her.
‘Hi…’ I said, at least, maybe even more, awkwardly.
‘What do you want?’ she harshly asked, not moving an inch.
Good question? What did I want? I wanted so much.
I wanted Ruben to come back with his stupid car.
I wanted to quit my job, but Manuel didn’t let me.
I wanted to take off my shoe and scratch the itch.
I wanted Lexi not to be angry with me.
I wanted to kiss Lexi and make love to her all night.
I wanted Lexi.
Did I say any of those? Dear god, no. Instead, I just said:
‘Can I come in?’
32. Sparks
Lexi Zellichman
It had been three days. Three hard days. Ignoring Cara’s messages was so difficult that it broke my heart all over again. Why couldn’t she just leave me alone? Luckily she stopped sending them after a couple of days and I only received a goodnight text. Not that that was easy.
Bzzzz. Bzzz.
I glanced at the clock. 11PM. Right on time. I rolled over in my bed and snatched my cell from the nightstand.
— I just wanted to let you know that you have been on my mind. Are on my mind. Goodnight, sweetie x —
I groaned and threw my phone away. I heard it crash somewhere on the floor but I didn’t care if it was unharmed. Actually, if it was broken, even better.
You have been on my mind.
Yeah, so had she. Since I was laying in my bed without any distractions, I knew that my mind was gonna wander. Wander off and think about her. Fuck. It had already been three days, why did I still feel like this? Maybe she lied, maybe this stupid pill worked forever? Fuck, I really hope not.
I tossed and turned and finally sunk in a deep sleep.
The next morning I woke up, feeling better than I ever had, compared to the last couple of days anyway. I stretched my body and felt remarkably well. Nice.
I happily turned on my belly and contentedly took in a deep whiff.
I immediately regretted my decision since a faint, but nonetheless, very familiar scent filled my nostrils. Cara.
‘Let’s do laundry!’ I cheered, even surprising myself. I hated laundry, but washing Cara’s scent out of everything seemed like a terrific idea. I pulled off all my sheets and covers, threw them in a basket and almost skipped to my washing machine. I swiftly threw them all in and happily closed it. I filled it up with detergent, extra generously, and started the wash. I smiled when I could almost see Cara scent disappear.
I know, not possible, but whatever.
‘Maybe I should just clean my house?’ I asked, not entirely sure who I was asking. I shrugged, not caring and grabbed the broom.
Looks like today was spring cleaning day! It was winter, but nobody cares!
Whistling I started sweeping the dust into a pile and almost did a little dance. Okay, now I’m even starting to freak myself out. How does one go from a shitty, sad mood to a happy, happy place? Maybe the love pill had finally stopped working? Whatever, who cares anyway? Let’s just keep cleaning. Where is the music?
I skipped towards my laptop and turned on my happy playlist. The music blasted out of the boxes, filling my house with a contagious beat. I cleaned my entire house while dancing and singing.
The evening fell and so did I. I fell down on my couch, tired but satisfied. My house smelled clean and fresh. No lingering scents of a certain ex-lover. I turned on the television and snuggled down in a blanket.
Immediately Cara’s scent filled my nostrils, involuntary making me inhale her scent deeper. How did I miss this blanket?
Since there was n
othing else smelling like her anymore, the scent on the blanket was even stronger than the ones before. I grabbed the blanket and walked towards my washing machine. I opened the door and attempted to throw in the blanket, but for some reason, my hand didn’t wanna let go of the source of the delicious smelling fabric. I bit down on my lip, forced myself to release the blanket in the washer and walked back towards my couch.