by Arizona Tape
I brought my mouth up to hers and pressed my lips gently on her lips.
We let our lips and tongue move in sync and enjoyed the tingling sensation that started from our mouths and quickly spread throughout the rest of our body.
‘Hmm.’ she moaned, sending chills, along with tingles, down my spine. I placed my hands on the outside of her thighs and ran them up and down. I could feel the goosebumps on her outer legs, but in between and higher up there was just soft, soft skin. I let my fingers travel up, but on the last minute decided against it and placed them on her lower back. She groaned and sat suddenly down on my lap, bringing her body impossibly closer. I also groaned and started to pull her body even closer into me. We kept kissing, our limbs intertwining and our bodies moving together as one. We connected.
We connected in every way possible for separate human beings to connect to each other. A once in a lifetime connection.
But all good things have to come to an end. And so did this one.
‘That was the now. Can we think about the future for a moment?’ Lexi mumbled after she had pulled out off the kiss.
I nodded, almost regretfully. We had reached a point were I wished time could stand still. A moment that I could relive for the rest of my life. A moment with no regard for the past or future. But it was just that, a moment.
‘Yeah, we probably should.’ I swallowed, going back to my previous nervous state.
Lexi slowly nodded, but instead of saying something, she rubbed her nose against mine, making all my thoughts disappear.
‘If we wanna talk about it, we should create some distance or else I won’t be able to use my mind properly.’ I whispered truthfully, but hating the idea of creating a distance.
‘Yeah, you are right.’ Lexi agreed while standing up. She sat back down in her chair and I winced from the lack of her warmth. We both sat in our own chairs, both feeling a bit lost. Again we sat in silence, but this time it was rather comfortable than awkward.
‘You wanna know how I feel?’ she suddenly asked, snapping me out of my own thoughts.
‘Yes.’ I simply answered, although I had a feeling she would tell me either way, whatever my answer.
‘I feel like I got cheated by love. Who the hell gets cheated by love?’ she exclaimed, making me feel guilty. Probably unintended, but still, it was my fault she felt this way.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’ll pass.’ I said, trying to console her, knowing that the love pill had its own subtle after effects.
Then I realised I also felt cheated by love. Meeting and being with Lexi was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. For the first time, I wasn’t expecting someone better to come along. For the first time, I was sure that there wasn’t anything better out there for me. For the first time, I believed that it was possible to connect to someone on another level. For the first time, I understood why everyone was so obsessed with finding love. It was undoubtedly worth it.
And I had to meet her under these circumstances. What if we had met under different circumstances? In a different setting, at a different time, in a different way, in a different life?
Would we have worked or would I have screwed it up anyway?
Whatever could have been, I also felt cheated by love.
‘Will it pass? You sure? I still feel, well, like before.’ Lexi asked, sounding terrified.
‘Yes. It will. The pill is safe. It stops working after a week, absolutely sure.’ I reassured her, nonchalant, but then it clicked. It had been over a week, which meant that the love pill’s effect had worn off. Like really worn off. It had after effects, but those were never lingering feelings, but flashes of regret, anger, sadness, …Take your pick. Love wasn’t one of them.
That could only mean one thing.
‘Do you still have feelings for me?’ I asked Lexi, crossing my fingers, but not really knowing what I was hoping for.
Lexi slowly nodded. ‘Yes. I still like you.’
I felt my heart clench together, but I’m not sure if it was in happiness or sadness. Lexi liking me had nothing to do with the love pill. Which meant that her feelings were genuine. I tried my best to keep a straight face, but somehow, Lexi must have noticed my turmoil. I could see by the looks on her face that she also figured out what these feelings meant.
Still, that didn’t soften my betrayal. It wouldn’t change anything.
‘It doesn’t change anything, does it?’ I asked, still hoping, but when she sadly shook her head, the hope immediately vanished.
‘Figured.’ I muttered, forcing myself not to cry.
‘I’m sorry…I can’t. I just, can’t.’ Lexi apologised, her voice hoarse from emotion.
‘I know, it’s okay, sweetie. I understand.’ I muttered, consoling both her and myself.
Lexi opened her mouth, but instead of saying anything she stood up and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist and breathed in her scent. I was gonna miss her.
‘You should go.’ she whispered, her head buried in my neck.
‘I know.’ I whispered back, savouring my last moments with her.
‘I’ll miss you.’
Now I understand what people mean when they say something is bittersweet.
‘I’ll miss you too.’ I mumbled back, without hesitation. She nodded and slowly pulled out of our embrace.
‘I’ll go.’ I stated, knowing that it didn’t matter how long we stood here, the outcome wasn’t gonna change.
‘I’ll walk you out.’ Lexi offered, making me gratefully smile. I weakly grinned, gathered my stuff and walked towards her front door. Hesitantly I opened the door and the icy wind instantly hit my face. If Ruben wasn’t gonna pick me up, it would be a cold, long walk. Not that I couldn’t use that, it would be good to clear my head.
‘You know? I’m glad we are ending our relationship on good terms.’ Lexi suddenly said, making me raise an eyebrow. Relationship?
‘You think of this as a relationship?’ I asked, cursing myself. What did it matter anyway? It was over.
Lexi slowly nodded. ‘Yeah, I guess so. We went on dates, we were dating, we both fell. I think we can call it a relationship.’
I nodded in agreement. Those were some good quotas.
‘Sounds about right. I’m glad too.’ I agreed, swallowing a lump. This was a break-up.
‘So this is a break-up?’ I said and although I used a questioning tone, we both knew it was a statement.
‘This is a break-up.’ Lexi sighed, looking down on the floor.
‘You’re gonna be okay?’ I asked, concern colouring my voice.
‘Hmm…Yeah, I will. In time.’ Lexi muttered, deep in thought. I gave her a weak smile and looked at the floor. It was one step. One step and I was out of her house. I let out a big breath and forced my limbs to react. I slowly placed my foot over the threshold and closed my eyes.
‘You know what though?’ she suddenly added, making me turn around. ‘I think I’ll finally be able to sleep in my bed.’
‘You haven’t been sleeping well?’ I asked concerned, worry probably spread all over my face.
She chuckled and shook her head in amusement.
‘I’ve been sleeping on my couch because my bedroom smells like…Ehh. Smells like you.’ she admitted, smiling lightly.
I also smiled, again getting that bittersweet feeling. I loved that she knew my scent and that it affected her, but hearing that she didn’t have a problem sleeping in it anymore, made my heart sink.
‘Sorry about that.’ I grimly apologised, trying not to sound too cheery or too dark. I took a deep breath and completely stepped out of her house.
This was it.
This was the moment where I let Lexi go.
This was where our paths separated and I stepped aside.
This was where I gave someone else a shot with her.
This was where I placed her happiness in front of mine.
This. Was. It.
‘I wish you all the best in the
world.’ I whispered, my voice breaking from the emotion. I tried my hardest not to cry, but a tear escaped my eye and fell down my cheek. Lexi extended her hand and gently wiped it away.
‘The same goes for you.’ she mumbled back, before leaning in and kissing me for the very last time.
I pressed my lips softly on hers, slowly moving them in sync. I felt my whole body tighten when it realised this was the last time we were gonna be kissing Lexi.
The kiss tasted salty, probably from our tears, but tasted unmistakably like Lexi.
This time I pulled out, closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself, in an attempt to hold on to the warm feeling that she gave me. I shivered from the cold and felt the sensation flee my body.
‘Goodbye.’ I whispered, breathing out little white clouds. She smiled, but the smile never reached her sad eyes.
I turned around and walked down her porch. I was cold, drained, empty and it had nothing to do with the weather.
This was it.
34. Spring
Lexi Zellichman
— 4 Months and 7 Days Later —
Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.
My phone started ringing and I lazily checked the caller ID. A grin stretched across my face and I answered the call.
‘Hello there, how are you doing today?’ the familiar voice said, making me grin.
‘I’m doing well, how are you?’ I smiled while flipping through the newspaper.
‘I’m fine, hey, listen up, it’s been too long since I saw you.’
‘That’s true. What do you propose?’ I asked, absentmindedly reading an article.
‘Dinner. Tomorrow, at my place?’
I stood up from my couch and grabbed my purse.
‘Hang on, let me check my calendar.’ I muttered, trying to trap the phone between my shoulder and ear. Since that didn’t work I clumsily flipped the pages with one hand.
‘I can do tomorrow.’ I accepted, enjoying the opportunity to get out of the house. It had been way too long since I had any fun.
‘Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow, say around 7? Put on something cute!’
I smirked and nodded my head, although I knew that you couldn’t see that over the phone.
‘Yeah, sure, sure. See you tomorrow, Manuel.’ I yawned and hung up.
Manuel had been checking in on me, making sure that I was alright, that I was taken care off. Since my father had died and Cara and I had broken up, he had been calling me almost every day. Mostly he just wanted to have a short, quick chat. I told him that he didn’t have to call me every day, but he said it was his way of making sure that I knew that I was taken care off.
“ Your father was my best friend. I was your favourite uncle up till the age of five. I promised him that I would never let anything bad happen to you.”
Oddly enough I found comfort in the fact that he kept that promise to my father. That’s what he promised my father and that’s what he did. Not that he was trying to replace my dad, but he just made sure that I knew that I wasn’t alone.
It was nice to have someone to share my grief with and to talk to about my dad. After all, we both missed him and since we both didn’t have any family, we kind of imprinted on each other.
I had a mother somewhere, but she didn’t care enough about my dad or about me to even show up. He had an ex-wife somewhere, but they never had any children.
It was nice to feel like I was part of something.
—
I grabbed my cell phone and opened the text Manuel had sent me.
Lunar St.
I looked around me, trying to find a street name. Good thing the evening was falling and it was almost dark. That helped a bunch. Stupid map and stupid GPS. Ah, there, it was. I quickly walked towards it, already seeing the last of the name.
Solar St.
Damn. What’s up with those stupid street names? Solar, lunar, what is this, a damn space station?
This was stupid. I pushed in Manuel’s number and let out a frustrated groan. As soon as he picked up, I started ranting.
‘Hi, Manual, I’m standing in the Solar Street, I’ve been walking around for ages and I have no idea where to find your stupid street. Any guidance?’
‘Haha, calm down. Walk towards the church. Take the first street to the right. You’ll find my street there.’ Manuel chuckled, making me turn around and face the church.
‘Fine. I’ll see you in five.’ I grumbled and hung up.
Walk towards the church. Easy-peasy. First street to the left.
I walked into the street and noticed it was a short street with a dead end. I checked the text again. Number 78. There were maybe six houses in this street, this wasn’t right.
What the…?
Manuel said: walk towards the church and turn the first…Right.
Of course, right, not left. Stupid. I slowly turned around and walked in the opposite direction, my head bowed down in embarrassment. I felt silly. I had been walking around in this neighbourhood for thirty minutes without finding his house.
The sad thing? I had visited his house before, I just couldn’t orientate myself.
Aha, finally, the right street and the right house number. I impatiently rang the bell, while quickly fixing my hair. I threw a glance around and noticed how familiar this street looked. Too familiar.
Was that...? Was that my car?
I squinted my eyes, trying to decipher the license plate. Yup, bingo. I parked my car fifteen meters from Manuel’s house and walked in the wrong direction. Great.
I rolled my eyes and focused my attention back to the door when I heard some stumbling. The door was swiftly pulled open and I stood face to face with the person opening it.
‘Lexi?’ I heard the familiar voice asking, a quizzical look on their face.
‘Cara?’ I asked, the confusion clear in my voice and eyes.
She was the last person I expected to see tonight. Heck, even meeting Jesus would’ve surprised me less than seeing her. What was she doing here? I was aware that she knew Manuel, I mean, he was the one who told me who she really was and what she did for a living, but I didn’t know that they were friends. I mean, he ratted her out, for God’s sake.
‘Damn it, Manuel, I’m gonna kill you.’ Cara muttered under her breath, while stepping aside and swinging the door open.
‘Come in.’ she sighed, trying to smile broadly, but I could see that she was annoyed. I grimly smiled and stepped inside.
Damn, she looked good. Okay, good was an understatement, she looked great.
‘I’ll take your coat.’ Cara said, holding her hand out. I took my coat off and gave it to her, making sure we didn’t make physical contact.
‘You look beautiful.’ she complimented, making me blush. For the first time in more than three months, I felt my butterflies wake up.
‘Thanks, so do you.’ I smiled, returning the compliment.
She winked. ‘I know.’
‘Cocky, much.’ I snorted, rolling my eyes. Cara also chuckled and signed me to follow her into the house. There I was greeted by Manuel.
‘Lexi, I’m glad you could make it.’ Manuel grinned, giving me a light kiss on the cheek.
‘Yes, thank you for inviting me.’ I said, using a slightly sarcastic and questioning tone, nudging my head in Cara’s direction.
‘What is she doing here?’ I mouthed quickly, when Cara turned her back to us and walked into the kitchen. Manuel just chuckled and followed her into the kitchen, motioning me to come too.
Oh boy, this was gonna be an interesting night.
I walked into the kitchen and saw that the table was set for three. Manuel deliberately invited both of us, but the question was why? He knew how I felt about Cara, but why was she here? He ruined her mission by exposing her.
‘That smells delicious, like it always does.’ Cara smiled, gently patting him on the shoulder.
‘Thanks, hun.’ he answered and suddenly a light went on in my brain.
They acted like a family, a f
ather and a daughter.
‘How do you know each other?’ I blurted out, not able to hold in my new found discovery.
‘We go way back. She once tried to steal my watch.’ Manuel said, looking lovingly at her.
‘Oh, yeah, I can see, ahem, how that could create a true bond…?’ I sarcastically mumbled, looking questioningly at Cara, raising an eyebrow.