by Arizona Tape
After emptying my mind from Cara and filling it with brainless tv shows, I got tired and prepared myself for bed. As soon as I let myself fall down in my freshly washed sheets, I noticed it. It was faint, very, very faint, but it was there. I pushed my nose into my pillow and sniffed, but it just smelt like my usual detergent. I sniffed my sheets, my pyjamas but I couldn’t determine the source of the scent. Weird.
I laid back down and tried to ignore the penetrating scent, but the longer I laid there, the stronger the scent became. Cara’s scent. It didn’t even have a specific source, it just hung in my room.
After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore and walked out of my bedroom. I groaned and fell down on my couch. Better distract myself. I turned the TV back on and tried to focus on the mindless chatter.
The next morning I woke up with a stinging pain in my neck. I groaned and rubbed the back of my neck, trying to soothe the ache. I sat up and noticed that I was still on my couch with the TV spewing commercials.
I groaned, damn it, I must have fallen asleep here. Come to think of it, sleeping on my couch wasn’t such a bad idea. Anything was better than sleeping in my bed, which smelled like her.
So I did. For the next three nights, I slept on my couch and avoided my bedroom. Every time I entered, I smelled that distinct scent, which made me miss her impossibly much. I’m not sure what exactly I missed. Maybe the way how she used to look at me, or how she would heat my body up by simply kissing me, or that she could make me laugh with her useless facts, or how time flew by when we were talking. I don’t know, maybe I just missed all of those. Maybe I just missed her.
Yeah, I definitely missed her…
Where did these thoughts come from? I thought that stupid pill had already worked off. Maybe a side effect. Who knows, right?
I was just hanging around in my house, until a sharp sound penetrated my thoughts. I quickly checked my phone but I knew that no one had sent me a text saying that they were gonna come over. I checked my phone again, looking at the time. It was 9 pm. I wasn’t expecting someone so why was my doorbell ringing? Whatever, better open the door to find out who was visiting, right?
I pulled the door open and immediately wished I hadn’t. Cara. Of course, who else would show up unannounced?
‘What do you want?’ I said, as cold as I could manage, trying to hide the fact that I would love nothing more than to wrap my arms around her.
‘Can I come in?’ she asked softly.
I instantly went into panic mode.
Cara. In my house. Now. Shit. I don’t think I could handle her inside my place. She would spread her scent all over everything again and make me miss her having her here.
‘Lexi?’
God, I missed her voice. I loved how she said my name. Why did she say my name? Probably because I hadn’t shown any reaction to her. Shit. As always she had me mesmerised by her sweet voice, delicious scent and incredible figure.
‘Sure.’ I muttered and stepped aside, trying to keep my cool. The moment she entered my house, I knew I was in trouble. From the very start when she passed me by, I felt my heart rate speed up. I followed her into the living room, where she was just standing, looking around awkwardly. Seeing that she was at least as nervous as I was, somehow called my nerves.
‘You have been here before, just sit down.’ I managed to say, without sounding like a total bitch. I think I even came off as comforting?
‘Thanks.’
She sat down on my couch and I took a moment to note how well she fitted in my household. With her seated down, my house felt more like my house than without her, if that was even possible.
How would things have turned out if we hadn’t met under the circumstances we did? I felt a sting of regret, but brushed it off. What’s done is done. After all, she gave me three very good months.
‘How are you?’
Her voice interrupted my thinking process and I shook my head, in an attempt to shake out my thoughts. Didn’t work, of course.
‘I’m alright, I guess.’ I answered, not entirely sure how I was. I wasn’t good, but I wasn’t too bad either.
‘Oh. Good.’ Cara said, but I could hear that she was far more disappointed than she made herself out to be. Was she disappointed because she hadn’t hurt me as much as she wanted or was it because she had hoped we were equally affected by the, for a lack of better words, break up?
‘How are you?’ I asked, cursing myself that I still cared so much.
‘Ehh. Not too bad, I guess.’ she answered, sounding as unsure as I had.
‘That’s…Good.’ I muttered, not really knowing what to say, so I just repeated her words. She gave me a weak smile and started fiddling with her thumbs. I opened my mouth, but since there followed no sounds, I just closed it. Maybe I should offer her a drink. Good idea.
I opened my mouth to make the offer, but then realised it would mean she would stay even longer in my house. I wasn’t sure if I wanted that, so I just closed up again.
Suddenly Cara stood up and walked towards me. She stopped, leaving a respectable distance between us, something she had never done before.
In the past, she loved to infiltrate my personal space, and somewhere along the way I had started to enjoy it.
Again I opened my mouth to say something but quickly shut it when her hand cupped my face. Her thumb was softly rubbing my cheek and I shut my eyes, overwhelmed by the electricity and sparks.
‘Stop opening and closing your mouth without making a sound. Just say what you have to say.’ she whispered, her lips too close and too far away at the same time.
I knew I should have pushed her away, made sure that none of our body parts were touching and that she was at a safe distance, but instead, I pulled her into a hug. I felt her surprise when our bodies touched and instantly melted together.
This is gonna sound weird, but I needed her support to be able to let her go. I needed to feel her so close, to fill that empty void in my chest, before I was gonna be able to push her away for good.
‘Hmm…’ I heard her moan in my hair, sending shivers down my back. Why did she still have this effect on me? Why were our bodies melting together as one when not one of us was in love with the other? I mean, the love pill had worked off and she had put up with me because of her job.
Then why is she here?
I tried to ignore the little voice in the back of my head, but you can’t ignore your own voice of reason.
How sure are you that she isn’t really into you? After all, she put up with you for 3 months and never really asked about your father’s stuff.
That’s true. She had asked about my dad and his work a couple of times but never pressed the case. She had never forced me to talk about him. Maybe she was just really bad at her job?
You know she isn’t. She makes enough money, look at the dates she took you on, her flat, her car, her clothes.
Fine, maybe she had just enough morals not to fuck with someone whose father just died.
Do you really think that?
Nope, she probably had no problem with that…
Maybe she meant it when she said: “I liked you too soon and too fast”.
Oh, shut up. Fine, I’ll ask her. I pulled out of the hug and immediately felt lost.
‘Do you, eehh, wantsomewine?’ I blurted out, cursing at myself for flaking out.
Coward.
Whatever, at least I offered her a drink. Cara nodded and I walked into my kitchen, trusting that she would follow. She did.
As always I opened up a bottle of red and poured it into two glasses. I gave her the glass, and as cliché, as it sounds, I felt sparks when our fingers touched.
‘Cheers.’ I awkwardly tried, making her smile. The next five minutes, we spend in silence, looking at everything but each other. I don’t think I ever studied my kitchen like this. I racked my brains to find a topic we could talk about but I couldn’t come up with anything. Weird how a week ago we never had enough time and now we were like strangers.
‘More wine?’ I proposed, holding up the bottle. She nodded and I poured us both a generous amount. Were we both drinking in some courage?
‘Sooo…’ she started, again smiling. ‘How was wo…your day?’
Funny how usually work was a safe topic, but now it was like the box of Pandora. I took a deep breath and thought about it.
‘Hmmm, it was okay, nothing special.’ I honestly answered.
‘Hmm, cool.’
‘How was yours?’ I asked, not knowing how we could get this conversation going.
‘Alright, I guess. Ruben, my best friend, dragged me out of the house. He literally pushed me out of his car, half an hour ago.’ she said, probably not noticing how this was the first time she actually opened the topic “friends”.
‘Oh…You’ve been best friends for long?’ I asked, trying to maintain the nonchalant tone our conversation had.
‘A while, yes. Couple of years?’
‘Cool. How did you guys meet?’ I asked, glad that we found something safe to talk about.
‘Work. Actually, I think you might have met him…’ she trailed off. I saw her expression change and I knew it was because she said something that she shouldn’t have.
‘Oh. How?’ I asked. There it was again, work. Apparently, her best friend was not a safe topic. When it came to Cara, there were no safe topics, apparently.
For a brief moment, I wondered how work had been affecting her style of life. I knew that the government had tried to consume my father and he always told me I was the only reason he hadn’t let it.
But who had kept Cara safe all this time?
How lonely she must have been, only getting close to people for work and then having to ditch them.
‘Yeah…He might have hit on you before we met?’ Cara answered my previous question and I saw that she immediately cursed herself on the inside.
‘Oh. Aha.’
That got me thinking again. Was Cara the only one who was sent over by work?
‘Are you the only one whom they sent? You know, your, ehh, work?’ I asked, thinking about everyone I met the last couple of months.
Were there more people of her company whom I had met? Did I wanna know? How many more fake friendships and relations had I made?
‘Ehh, no. Definitely not. You wanna know who else?’ Cara carefully asked.
‘Yup, I can handle it. Shoot.’ I said, my curiosity overruling all my other emotions.
‘Well firstly a guy called Mark, then Jonathan, then Ruben, my best friend, then, ehh, well, me.’ she muttered, naming three different guys.
‘So three guys and then you figured out I was gay?’ I snorted, quite amused that there had been so many men.
‘Yeah…Then they sent me.’ Cara smiled. ‘Oh, and Lisa. They sent her after me.’
Lisa? Hmm…Oh, that cute lady from the coffee shop. I should have known that no one was so good looking, friendly and flirty. I surprised me though, why would they sent someone else when Cara clearly had my attention.
‘Why did they sent Lisa after you?’
Cara looked down at her hands and cleared her throat. She looked a bit uncomfortable, well, a lot.
‘Cara?’ I asked, for the first time using her name.
‘They sent her in because I wasn’t getting any results.’
Oh. That made sense. I guess. Or not?
‘But at that time we were already dating?’ I said, confused.
Cara grinned and took a big gulp from her wine. Now I was certain that she was also nervous.
‘Yeahh…But my job wasn’t to make you fall for me, it is getting the information. Since I wasn’t delivering, my boss decided to send someone extra.’ Cara said, an annoyed smile on her sour face.
‘So why did you? Make me fall, I mean.’
Since when did I get so brave that I dared to ask all this? And why was I so obsessed by what happened, it shouldn’t matter. I thought I didn’t care.
Of course, you want to know. You want to know if she really likes you. You still want a shot with her.
Shut up, brain.
‘I don’t know. I guess because I was into you I wanted to impress you and make you fall?’ Cara muttered, soft, like it was a confession. It probably was.
‘Did you really like me?’
Oof. There, I said it. I asked her.
Cara’s head snapped up, her eyes filled with determination. Determination to do what, well, I didn't know.
‘Yeah, I did. I really did. If my boss didn’t like me so much, I would probably have been fired.’ Cara whispered.
I felt my insides jump up. She liked me? Like for real?
‘Why would he have fired you?’ I said, trying to hide that my insides were tingling and I had to fight the smile that was trying to break out on my face.
‘Well, for starters, I took way to long. Three months is like two months and three weeks too long. Secondly, I brought you to my home, which is a giant risk and thirdly, I didn’t even succeed so…’ Cara trailed off, making me even happier.
‘Are you still into me?’ I asked and I felt my heart stop, afraid of what her answer was gonna be.
God, since when did I become so brave?
‘What do you think? Yes, of course. I didn’t take any pills or something. My feelings are genuine and very real.’ she said, almost snapped. Was she angry that I didn’t believe that she liked me?
I told you. She likes you. Cara and Lexi, sitting in...
I groaned, in an attempt to shut up the annoying voice in my head, but failed miserably.
A tree. K. I. S. S. I. N. G.
That did sound like a nice idea. Press my lips on hers and find out if there was still that chemistry. Kisses don’t lie. Well, when you aren’t under the influence of love pills at least.
‘Lexi?’
I shut my eyes, trying to make up my mind.
Just kiss her already.
Fine. What did I have to lose anyway? Nothing, that’s right.
I gulped down the last of my wine and stood up. My chair making an awful lot of noise when it scraped over my floor. I placed my legs around hers and laid my hands on her shoulders. Her eyes carefully tracking every move I made.
I lowered my head and brought my lips closer to hers, then slightly closed my legs, putting a bit of pressure on hers.
I looked her in the eyes, searching for any lies.
When I didn’t find any, I brushed my lips gently over hers. She audibly sucked in her breath, making me chuckle. Repeatedly, I searched her eyes for the slightest indication of dishonesty, but again they were clean.
Stop hesitating. Just kiss her.
I decided to listen to my gut and pressed my lips on hers. The connection was instant. There was definitely chemistry, electricity, magic, sparks, whatever you wanna call it. We had it all.
I slowly pulled out of the kiss and rested my forehead against hers. We both let out a satisfied sigh. Had she been craving this as much as I did?
‘What now?’ Cara whispered, slowly pushing a wild lock of hair behind my ear.
Good question. What now?
33. Bittersweet
Cara Hemlock
To say that I was surprised, was the least that I could say. I never expected that she would kiss me ever again. Even when she had bowed down over me, her lips slightly touching, I expected her to pull away at the last minute. But no, she firmly pressed her lips on mine, making me release my long held breath.
For a moment we shared. We shared a breath, a space, a moment of our time. But of course, it didn’t last. As quickly as she had connected our beings, she disconnected them.
I let out a sigh, breathing out the last of our shared air.
‘What now?’ I asked, afraid of what was gonna follow, but I knew that one of us had to ask.
Lexi shrugged, not in an “ I don’t know” way, but more in a
“ Let’s forget what is bound to happen” way.
And we both knew what was bound to happen. Although
I had buried it deep, deep down, it was inevitable.
‘Wanna forget about the past and the future and just focus on the now?’ I whispered, holding her hand to make sure she didn’t vanish into thin air.
‘Hmm-mm. Just for a moment though.’ Lexi breathed, making the hairs on my neck stand up.
‘A moment is all I need.’ I muttered and pulled her slowly back to me, giving her a chance to resist, but she didn’t.