by Krista Lakes
I should have pulled out my phone and played with that, or thought about something else, or done literally anything other than just staring at my watch and waiting for sixty seconds to count down. The first line appeared immediately, but I knew that only meant the test was working. I watched as the forty second mark passed, then fifty seconds, then all the way to sixty seconds.
I couldn't see a second line.
For a moment, I didn't know whether I should be relieved or devastated. Part of me knew that at eighteen years old, I was much too young to be pregnant. Even if James did support me, it'd be a major change in my life. I still wanted to finish college, and it'd be really hard to be a good mother at the same time as I was attending classes.
But the other part of me wanted this more than anything. James was the best man to be a father that I could ever hope for. I had been feeling my belly every day for the past two weeks, and I had known that there was a baby already growing in there. I knew that I was ready, especially with James' help.
I looked down at the pregnancy test again, feeling a sense of loss already.
Was that a second line there?
I squinted my eyes. Was it just my own hope that I was pregnant that was fooling me? It really looked like a faint second line there. I couldn't be sure. The only other person within walking distance was the cashier, and I doubted she would appreciate me just walking up with a used pregnancy test and asking if she saw a line.
I looked as hard as I could, but really couldn't tell if it was just my imagination. My heart fluttered with hope as I set it down on the toilet paper dispenser and snapped a picture of it on my phone. I didn't quite know how I would figure it out, but I knew I had to. It might have to wait until I got back to New York, but I knew I would have to find out one way or another...
Chapter Thirty-Five
I tossed the pregnancy test in the trash and left the drug store quickly. Part of me wanted to keep it as a memento, but I realized how crazy it sounded to want to carry around a stick that I had peed on. I walked outside in the cold, unsure of where to go next. I popped a stick of gum in my mouth to get rid of the throw-up taste from earlier and thought about what to do next.
Part of me wanted to run right back to James, to let him in on my possible discovery. Part of me was still mad at him for jacking off to pictures of Nicole. And part of me knew that he would try to tell me that it was too early to make any kind of assumptions.
Besides, I told him that I was going to see Anne today, and that was exactly what I had intended to do.
I pulled out my phone and texted Anne.
Hey, was hoping we could hang out today since I'm in town. Are you working today?
A text came back almost immediately.
No! Come on over! I'm walking distance from James' place, here's the address.
Just three blocks away. I was feeling a ton better, no longer thinking I was going to throw up. I felt downright chipper by now. My breath was fresh, and I was newly invigorated by what I knew I would now refer to as “The Ghostly Second Line”. I texted back.
Great, see you soon!
***
The address led to the tiniest little yellow house I had ever seen. It was adorable and exactly what I expected from someone like Anne. I could see plants hanging in the windows and the exterior was beautiful.
I knocked on the door but she was already waiting. “Come in! I'm so glad you came by. I didn't have anything planned but playing my guitar today, so this is a nice surprise.”
I stepped into the warm house and loved it immediately. Pieces of art hung from every wall in the tiny living room. A staircase led upstairs to where I assumed the bedroom was, and a kitchen was at the far end of the house. It was incredibly compact, but everything was there.
Anne looked perfectly comfortable, wearing a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. “I already have some hot water on the stove, would you like some tea?” she asked, being the perfect host.
“I would love some,” I answered. She smiled and turned on a heel, going into the kitchen and getting out another mug. I kept looking around, admiring all the knick knacks. Anne looked young, certainly older than me at 18 years old, but I figured no older than twenty-two or twenty-three. Yet it looked like years of traveling had taken her to every corner of the globe. Maybe she just acquired these pieces off eBay or something. I had the feeling that wasn't the case, though.
I stood admiring one piece for a minute when she came up behind me with a mug. I smiled and took it from her. “You like this one?” she asked. I nodded. “I got it when I was in Haiti a couple years ago doing disaster relief.”
I was impressed. I took a sip of tea. It was unlike anything I had ever tasted before. It was sweet, but with a hint of something I couldn't put my finger on. “What's in this?” I asked.
She looked concerned. “You don't like it?”
“I didn't say that, it's just different is all.”
She smiled. “I'm afraid I developed a taste for it when I went to Amsterdam. I used to spend like half my paycheck importing it in before I toned down my habit.”
I hadn't realized it was so expensive. “Oh, I didn't mean-”
“Oh don't say that I shouldn't have. Your brother bought me this box of tea anyway.”
I laughed. “He does seem to try to keep you employees happy. So why don't you like him?”
She laughed back at me. “Are you kidding me? He's a riot. He's one of the only people I know who doesn't tiptoe around my sexuality. Even bigots feel the need to disguise their true feelings around me, but not James.”
I took another sip. “And what are James' true feelings about your sexuality?”
Anne shrugged. “They don't seem to matter to him at all. I hear he's very LGBT friendly. At least one of his lead programmers is a gay guy, and it doesn't bother James at all. Also,” she said with a conspiratorial nudge. “I've seen him out on a date with a couple of bisexual girls on more than one occasion.”
My stomach dropped a little without even thinking. A threesome was one of the things that he had mentioned in the shower with me. It had been said as if it was a joke, but then again, Nicole had been calling him Daddy over the Internet. Maybe he really did reveal all his fantasies to me.
“Gross,” I said without thinking. Anne gave me a weird look, as if I had just said something bigoted myself. “Oh, nothing against those bisexual girls, but that's my brother you're talking about.”
Anne looked relieved. “I swear you have a little Bi-rannosaurus just waiting to come out.”
I shrugged. The conversation didn't make me uncomfortable at all, even though I knew Anne had a thing for me. “I'd love to have a threesome someday, but I'd like to be in a committed relationship first. Then it's just a matter of finding the right girl.”
Anne lifted her mug in the air. “I'll cheers to that,” she said, sounding a little sad.
I turned and gave her a little bit of a wry smile. “Hey, how are you single, by the way? A girl as cool and as well-traveled as you should have girls lined up to hang out with you?”
Anne made an amused little “hmm” sound. “I do like to travel, and I am a pretty cool chick. Unfortunately, I never really stuck around long enough to make girlfriends.” She turned around and sat down on the couch, and I followed her. “And now that I do stay in one place, it seems that I don't know how to meet people anymore.”
I had heard the same about people after they left college. Where do you go to meet friends after classes are over? I didn't have a good answer to that. As I sat down on the couch next to her, my fingers brushed up against my belly and it made me smile. Parents found friends at their kids' preschools anyway, I knew.
“I did have one girlfriend since moving here,” she continued. “Unfortunately, I learned very quickly that she didn't trust bisexual women.”
“Really?” I asked, kind of incredulous. How could anyone not trust Anne?
“Yeah. It's actually pretty common in the LGBT community, bel
ieve it or not. You either have to be super gay or super straight. Anyway, I never even felt comfortable mentioning if I found a guy handsome around her. But she was the jealous type, and one day she discovered I had slept with a guy in high school and enjoyed it. She said that it was a lie by omission.”
“Wow.”
Anne still managed to smile. “Yeah, so she broke up with me immediately. It was a blessing in disguise, really. I can't imagine not even being able to talk about who I found attractive or not.”
I thought about it for a moment. The way she phrased it made it sound different to my situation, but somehow still the same. James hadn't taken any action to encourage Nicole at all, and I could definitely admit that she was hot as hell. From the way I was acting, James couldn't tell me who he found attractive either.
At that moment, I felt like a lousy girlfriend, or whatever I was to James.
Still, I smiled. “Yeah, I can't imagine it either. I think we are going to find you a girl, Anne.”
She rolled her eyes. “I don't need some eighteen year old from out of town to play matchmaker for me.”
My jaw dropped, then I smiled. “See, that's exactly the kind of wit we're going to sell. The girls from your band aren't down?”
Her eyes rolled. “Worse. Two of them are in a relationship with each other, and the third is the ex I was just talking about.”
“You still hang out with her even though she dumped you like that?” I asked. “I don't think I would be so easy-going about it.”
Anne shrugged. “I love the band and, besides...” She looked at me with a conspiratorial grin. “Sometimes crazy-ex sex is better than committed-relationship sex.”
I laughed at that and high fived her.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“Hey, what do you know about Ryan?” I asked after a few minutes of talking about crazy ex's.
Anne shrugged. “You mean Ol' Lefty? He's my boss, but he's not super responsible. I can tell you that people tried to set us up when I first moved here and before they knew I was gay.”
I laughed. “Both musicians, they must be meant for each other.”
She laughed back. “But seriously, even if I were attracted to guys, that guy would skeeve me out. He never stays with a girl for too long, often breaking their hearts when he's done with them. Loyal isn't exactly in his vocabulary.”
“Is he with anyone right now?” I asked.
She thought about it. “I think so, but I'm not sure. He's wealthy enough that he manages to impress some ladies. Why, are you interested in him?”
“No, actually. He got pretty handsy with me last night.”
Anne put her hand on her forehead, like she was disappointed with herself for not stopping it. “Really?”
“Yeah. If James hadn't walked in, I'm not sure what would have happened.”
Anne sighed. “I can't believe this shit. Yeah, I totally expect it out of him. I mean I can't afford to quit my job under him over this...”
“No, of course not,” I interjected quickly. “This wasn't your responsibility.”
“Yeah, but I should look out for girls around him. I'll make sure to keep an eye on him if any other new girls ever go to one of his after parties. Thanks for confiding in me.”
I actually did feel relieved to be able to talk to someone about it. “No, thank you. James already gave him a pretty stern talking to, though I think he can't get rid of him that easily either.”
“Probably not,” Anne said. There was an awkward silence for a moment, then she looked at her watch. “So, do you fly back to New York tomorrow?”
I nodded, then sighed. “Yeah. I probably won't be back until Spring Break or something.”
“What brings you back? Are you that close with your brother, or have you fallen in love with our fair city?”
I'm very close to my brother, I thought. “I'm enjoying some things here and not looking forward to some things back in New York.” Specifically, I was thinking about Nicole continuing to hit on my brother. I knew it would end up negatively affecting our relationship, which was difficult since we still had to live with one another for the rest of the semester.
“Guy trouble?” Anne asked.
I smiled. “I told you, I'm single, but...” I trailed off and looked at her, not sure if I wanted to go any further.
Anne nudged me. “You just confided one thing to me, and it felt pretty good, didn't it? Go on.”
I sighed. Tessa should really know this first, but I knew that she'd guess right away who the father was. Anne was the closest thing to a neutral party that I had, and had also been a great listener up until now.
“You cannot tell James about this.”
“I promise,” she said.
I pulled out my phone and pulled up the most recent picture, then handed it to her. Her brow furrowed. “What am I looking at?”
“A pregnancy test.”
“Oh. Oh.” Her eyes immediately went to my belly, then back to the screen. “I don't know much about this, but on TV ads, don't they usually say that one line is a negative test.”
“Look closer,” I said.
She zoomed in on the picture and squinted. “I mean, I see what you're talking about, but I think it's still pretty clearly one line.” She handed me back the phone and bit her lip. Her eyes seemed a lot wider than usual. “Still, you must be freaking out.”
I nodded. “I'm late on my period, but that doesn't mean much for me. I also threw up this morning, though it might have been the alcohol from last night.” Anne didn't know that I hadn't drank alcohol last night, that my cup had just been full of soda, but it felt easier to explain that way.
Anne bit her lip. “Maybe you were just thinking of Ryan from last night and it made you retch.”
I laughed. “Yeah, that could be it. I don't know, though.”
Anne kept biting her lip. “I hate to ask, but-”
“No, I don't know who the father is,” I cut her off with a lie. I had been with Danny before Christmas Break, about six weeks ago, but he had always insisted on wearing a condom. No, I knew exactly who the father was. And, now that I was saying all this out loud, it occurred to me how real it all was.
Anne must have seen my anguish building, because she held out her arms in a hug. Without hesitation I buried myself in her shoulder, feeling the tears start immediately. She stroked my hair gently and said nothing, just letting me cry.
I hadn't cried like this since James had told me that he wanted me out of his life, and now it turned out that he might be in my life forever. Still, the stress of everything was building up. Between the possible pregnancy, having to keep my stories straight for all my friends, my roommate sending naked pictures to James, and my fight with James this morning, I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.
And when I thought of all that on top of my classes and upcoming midterms, I really began to sob. Added to the fact that I'd have to drop out at least temporarily due to this, and it was enough to make anyone cry.
I don't know how long I sat there on Anne's couch, crying my eyes out and wracking my body with sobs. However, Anne just sat there, letting me ruin her Saturday plans with my emotions. Speaking of her Saturday plans...
I slowly sat back up. She had real concern in her eyes. “Feel better?” she asked.
I nodded while I was still unable to speak. She handed me a tissue box and I blew my nose a couple times. “You know what would really cheer me up?”
“I'd really like to know,” she said.
Just the answer perked me up. “I'd love it if I could just listen to you play the guitar for a little while.”
Anne smiled. “Gladly.”
And so Anne got out an acoustic guitar. I closed my eyes and smiled as I listened to her play next to me. She sang softly, her voice emotional as she sang about love. It wasn't really her voice I was hearing, though.
It was James.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I left her house in much better spirits. I
was ready to talk to James about Nicole. I was ready to talk to him about Ryan. I was ready to talk to him about playing the guitar, if he wanted.
I wasn't sure I was ready to talk to him about the pitter patter of little feet.
I thought about Anne's ex-girlfriend and how she accused her of making a lie of omission. I didn't think it was fair in her case, but I hadn't exactly been up front with James. In fact, I remembered what I had said when he had asked me, point blank, if I was on the pill.
“What do you think?” A wink and a smile as I laid across his desk, legs spread and already filled with his seed.
Yeah, I'd say that was a pretty big lie of omission. Still, it had been too late at that point anyway. Well, not too late for Plan B or something similar, but I never would have used those anyway. Still, he probably wouldn't have made love to me another five times if I had told him right then. Or he would have worn a condom? Or he would have watched me take the pill? I didn't know.
I sighed, thinking about what a mess I had gotten myself into. The cry with Anne had felt good, but it had hardly gotten rid of my problems.
I started to walk back to James' apartment, hoping he'd be there. As soon as I pulled out my phone to text him and make sure he hadn't gone into the office, it began to ring.
Tessa.
I sighed. One more problem that I hadn't even thought about. What was I going to tell her?
The truth, I decided. I had just told Anne, and I might as well tell Tessa as well. Except that I knew that she would ask if James was the father, and I wouldn't be able to lie my way out of that. She might judge me, but it was just something that I'd have to deal with.
I answered the phone. “Hey.”
“Hey, girlfriend. How was the concert?”
“Oh.” It wasn't the question that I had expected her to ask first. “It was okay.”
“Did Lover Boy sing to you?” Yeah, ha ha, this was more like it. Her mocking tone showed me that the first question had just been a setup for the second one.