REM

by Valentine, J. D.

  Contents

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-One

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  To all those who helped make this possible.

  It’s selfless people like you that make progress for everyone else.

  I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I am forever in your debt.

  CHAPTER ONE

  HOW COULD THINGS become so primal when humanity as a whole was at its greatest?

  The thought quickly evaporated in my head as the adrenaline spike rushed throughout my body. I ran down the catwalk just to get enough room as I raised my pistol. I fired, forcing the 1911 in my hand to recoil spitting a blast of smoke and fire from its barrel. There was no sound signifying if the bullet had passed through bone and tissue. All I saw was a blurry half-clothed man slam into the concrete only to be replaced with another person who was screaming at the top of their lungs. The thought of a clock hand spinning quickly pulled me back to the hell that was in front of me.

  Slow is smooth and smooth is fast, Dan.

  The sights of my pistol found another distinct target in the swarm of infected. The front sight was focused while everything else was blurry and unfocused. My breathing was so rapid it was almost impossible to take an accurate shot. The sight finally settled on that blurry target. It looked like a woman, but there was blood running down her cheeks that had stained her t-shirt.

  They aren’t people anymore.

  There is some resistance as I pull the trigger again making the slide of the pistol fly backward, sending a brass casing sputtering to the floor. I imagine it would make a sound like a coin hitting the floor, but all I can hear is the steady roar as dozens of primal faces rush towards me.

  Maybe these animals in front of me are what humanity truly is when you strip them of everything.

  I pull the trigger one more time and another man falls, but I realize this is it. I look to see that my pistol is empty. A small wisp of smoke billows out of the barrel confirming to me that this it. I know that right now is the moment that I know I am going to die.

  I just want to see my wife again. I just want to hold my children and tell them that I love them.

  The swarm is so close now I know even if I turn and run I’ll get tackled to the ground and pulled apart. I see my family. They all smile at me and we all hold each other in a tender embrace. I open my eyes and see the swarm closing on me. They smile back with torn cheeks and horrible smiles. I am horrified, but they are ecstatic.

  Deep down we are all a little crazy. Deep down we are all animals.

  I trip on my own feet and suddenly I am thrown backward. My helmet strikes the concrete, but I wish the fall had killed me. The one time dying by an accident would actually be a blessing.

  How could the world come to this? Better yet, what did I, Danny Etter, do to deserve to be ripped to shreds in an instant. This was supposed to be a story about redemption. I was supposed to get up North to see my family and protect them, not die on a concrete catwalk at some shitty middle school. This is it! This can’t be! I’m not done. I can’t be done!

  CHAPTER TWO

  ONE MONTH EARLIER.

  Danny sighed to himself as his hands brushed over his jeans. He could feel sweat in the folds of his aging palms making him feel even worse than how he already felt.

  You put yourself in this seat, Dan. Now, you gotta deal with it.

  The petite blonde at the reception table shot a quick glance at him. Danny tried smiling back, but the woman quickly darted her gaze behind the computer screen, trying to look busy. The heavy wood door opened to his left, and a couple walked out. The woman was still wiping her eyes with tissues as her husband rubbed her back. She jerked her shoulder out of the way.

  "Honey, please," the man pleaded.

  The woman walked up to the elevator and clicked the button.

  "Take the stairs," she said lowly.

  The man’s head fell to the floor as he walked off around the corner. The ding of the elevator opened the doors and the woman stepped inside still wiping her eyes. She pressed one of the buttons violently until the doors shut. This time, Danny and the receptionist made eye contact.

  "Tough day, I guess," Danny said.

  The receptionist smiled showing a perfect row of white teeth. Suddenly, the phone rang and she picked it up. A fake smile was followed by a hand that offered Danny the door.

  "Dr. Baker will see you now, Mr. Etter," the receptionist said.

  Danny smiled as he stood. "Wish me luck, I guess."

  The woman ignored him as she started typing on the computer trying to look busy.

  Typical.

  Danny walked up to the door letting his hand rest on the bronze handle that felt cold to the touch.

  Here we go.

  He pulled the handle down and stepped into a light tranquil room. Two leather seats greeted him in the center and, in the corner, an older brown-haired woman was on the computer oblivious to Danny's entrance.

  "Just have a seat," she said without looking up from the monitor.

  Well, not completely oblivious.

  The cold indifference in the woman's voice made Danny feel more of a nuisance than an actual patient. He took a seat anyway as the cushion let out a slight wisp of air as he sank into it. The woman finished typing, and finally, her head darted up towards Danny as she removed her glasses and set them on the desk.

  "My God, I am so sorry," Dr. Baker said standing.

  "No, no. It’s alright. I get it," Danny said smiling.

  She walked around her desk with her hand extended. "I don't believe we've met."

  Danny shot up from his seat shaking her hand. Her hands felt soft, but her grip was stronger than he expected from a woman her size. "Nice to meet you, Dr. Baker. I'm Dan Etter."

  Dr. Baker smiled and released her grip. "Please, feel free to call me Julie," she said as she sat from the chair across from him.

  "Alright, Julie," Danny repeated as he took a seat.

  "So, what can I do for you, Dan?"

  "Looking to work a few things out. Figured this would be a good place to start."

  Julie smiled as she nodded her head. "Well, it's not a bad one I'll give you that." She crossed her leg and rested her hands on her knee.

  Danny felt the need to say something, but his words escaped him. He felt a slight tension build in
the room.

  Julie smiled realizing Danny’s stress started to build. "So, what do you do, Dan?"

  Danny leaned forward, clasping his hands together. "I’m a police officer on a community college campus."

  "No kidding. Is that what you always wanted to do?"

  "I always wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees, but you know things like that hardly come to fruition." Danny smiled as he started to loosen up in the chair.

  "Fruition?" Julie smiled. "Not really a word in common usage."

  "Well, my wife taught high school English, so I caught on pretty quick."

  Julie’s eyes darted to his ring finger. "Still married, I see."

  Danny patted both hands on the armchair as he exhaled deeply. "Working through things as they were." He rubbed his wedding ring. "You really cut to the chase, don't you, Julie?"

  "Dan, you spend enough time in the job and you know who you can be blunt with."

  Danny laughed uncomfortably. "I guess I’m that easy of a read."

  "Quite the contrary, actually," Julie said leaning forward. "You know why you're here. I don't have the time nor the inclination to get you to open up. You are either going to, or you’re not, and from my speculation, you not opening up in the past has landed you in this very seat."

  Danny nodded. He leaned forward in his chair as his tongue made a clicking sound off the roof of his mouth. "You married?"

  "I’d prefer to keep this about you."

  "It’s just a question," Danny said smiling.

  "Yes. I am married," Julie replied.

  "So you've had tough times?"

  "Who hasn't? Life is about struggle. I presume you are having marriage problems?"

  "I am, and I know it's my fault."

  "Let's not take all the blame. It is always a two-way street when it comes to relationships."

  Danny shook his head as he adjusted himself in the seat. "No. No. I know it's me because my wife has tried. All I've done is pretend it would all work out. I figured it would somehow get better over time."

  "You think that's the healthiest approach?" Julie tapped her hand on the armrest in a gentle rhythm.

  Danny watched Julie's fingers tap for a moment. "I mean, do you honestly think smoking is good for you?" Danny's eyes met Julie's, and he could see them widen in a millisecond and return to normal.

  "I beg your pardon?" Julie asked her voice slightly higher than normal.

  "You are a smoker," Danny smirked. "The tapping kind of hinted to that."

  The tapping stopped, and Julie's insecurities began to perspire in her movements.

  Danny leaned forward this time. "Also, the faint smell of lavender still can't hide the smell of cigarettes, but it was a valiant effort, no less." Danny could sense her opinion shift of him.

  "Let’s keep this about you, Dan."

  "I am not attacking you, Julie. Personally, what you do and how you do it is your business, but if you want me to be upfront, then why can't you?"

  Julie nodded her head and sat back slightly in her chair. "That's fair, I suppose, but I trust we will keep some confidentiality between us?"

  Danny leaned back into the chair, letting his hands relax on the armrest. "Nothing leaves this room."

  Julie brushed a strand of her hair back. "Okay, Dan. Yes, I’ve been a smoker for almost all my life. I quit a few years ago, but it has resurfaced lately."

  "Why is that?"

  "I smoke when old problems coincide with new ones. It's my release." Julie took a deep breath. "I know it is a health hazard that may end my life early, but everyone deals with stress differently." She sat back in her seat, resting her notebook on the armrest as she crossed her arms. "I'm working on it."

  Danny's eyes searched the beige carpet as he tapped his foot. "You know they say it's not the nicotine that is addictive." Danny shifted in his chair. "Some say it's just the act of putting a cigarette to your lips and inhaling. Repeating and repeating. Over and over."

  Julie crossed her leg. "That's interesting, but what is your point?"

  "My point is that it's not the substance. It's the act that makes us do those things. For the longest time, I thought it was the things that I saw that bothered me, but it's the act of pretending that everything is okay that has created the problem. I used to drink to forget those things, you know?"

  The pen scratched on the notepad, and Julie looked up. "How long have you been sober?"

  Five hundred and sixty-three days.

  Danny tapped the chair with his hand a few times. "Well, it's been a year and some change."

  "You know the exact day, Dan. Probably right up to the minute."

  Danny smiled. "Seconds actually, but I'm impressed. You would've made a hell of a cop."

  Julie laughed. "So, obviously, sobering up hasn't truly healed you?"

  "It's a step in the right direction, no doubt. But, no. I mean, now I feel like I'm crawling in this dark tunnel. I can see the light clear as day, but the faster I crawl, the dimmer that light gets. Frankly, Julie, I am scared shitless. No matter how hard I try to make this better with my wife and family, it just gets worse. No matter how hard I try to get to that light, it just gets darker. I mean, what happens when that light just disappears?"

  Julie uncrossed her arms and leaned forward.

  Danny shook his head as he looked out the window. "It pains me to say this, but the fact of the matter is I am not okay." Dan looked down at his feet. "I drank heavily. So heavily that I am afraid all the bad things I have done can never be forgiven."

  "People make mistakes, Dan. We are human for that reason."

  "But can mistakes really be forgiven? They sure as hell can’t be forgotten."

  Julie was about to speak but fell silent.

  Danny shook his head as he stared at the floor. "The truth is, I haven't been okay for a long time, and I've projected that onto my wife and my family. I’ve used up the one thing that was good for me, and now I'm left with nothing. Nothing but my bad thoughts and this fucking darkness. So, you're right. I'm here because I put myself here, but I'm lost when it comes to getting to the light because behind me is just all black."

  It was quiet for some time before Danny spoke. "Look, I don't mean to come off too---"

  Julie's hand went up. "Dan, you don't have to justify yourself. I see hundreds of patients walk through that door with problems. Most of them just can't deal with day to day life because they are weak." She took a deep breath before continuing. "You are not weak. I can see that in your eyes and in your demeanor, but we all just need help at points in our lives. It doesn't matter how strong we are. At some point, we just need help. I am glad you took a leap of faith and met with me today. I truly think that we can solve these inner conflicts you are dealing with and get you back on track."

  Danny nodded as he bit his lip. "I sure as hell hope so."

  CHAPTER THREE

  "WHEN DID YOU get so fucking weak?" Maria screamed at the top of her lungs.

  She raised her finger with bared teeth as Danny struggled to stay standing.

  "What the hell do you know?" Danny said, still staggering.

  Maria turned to buckle little Susan into the car. Danny could feel the pain in his heart as he looked at his daughter who screamed for her father.

  This was so wrong. Maria couldn’t do this to him.

  "What, Maria? You gonna leave again?" Danny yelled his voice grew louder as his face was flush red. "Last time I checked, I’m the one who brings home the bacon, and you are just gonna pack up? Great idea, Maria. Where the fuck you gonna go?"

  The passenger door in the front of the SUV opened and a small dark-haired boy, maybe eleven at the most, poked his head out. "Mom, can-"

  "Lucas, stay in the car!" Maria yelled, cutting him off. The boy started to have tears swell in his eyes as he sobbed in the front seat. "Say goodbye to Daddy."

  Both kids started to wail as Danny pleaded in front of his wife.

  "Dan, I have tried," she said as tears started to roll
down her face. "I’ve stood by you for years saying everything was going to be okay."

  "Mar-" Danny tried to cut in but was quickly swatted down.

  "No, you fucking listen to me! I have stood by hoping...praying that you would clean up your act." She shook her head wiping the tears from her eyes. "You used to be a good man, Danny. Now, with how you’ve been acting...nearly getting fired and forced to retire early? You think all this is normal, but it’s all in your head. How the hell do you expect me to just stand by while you become a monster?"

  Danny took a step forward. "Don’t you dare say shit like that in front of the kids!"

  Maria closed the ground staring up at the towering man. "You gonna hit me in front of your children? How low are you willing to go?" She shook her head in disgust and started walking to the car.

  Danny swallowed heavily as he tried to grab Maria’s hand. He got a grip, but she pulled her hand away and moved around to the driver’s side door. Neighbors started to appear from outside their homes in pajamas and bathrobes.

  Maria opened the door violently. Danny could hear both children crying.

  "You get help, or I never want to see you around my children again," Maria said as she stepped in and slammed the door shut.

  Danny started to sob as he tried to wave goodbye to his children. Lucas had his face buried in his hands as Susan held her hands out for her father. The car took off, leaving Danny in the cul-de-sac all alone except for the dozen or so neighbors that stood around shaking their heads. Danny was sure he could see a couple of people smiling in the crowd.

  "What?" he yelled at the neighbors. "Show’s over, folks!" Danny tossed a trash can on its side as he stumbled back into the backyard of his townhome.

  The back gate slammed shut and he nearly tripped on the step as he threw open the sliding glass door. The inside of the house had been torn apart. He shuffled into the living room and grabbed the bottle of whiskey that he tried to chug before Maria caught him. He downed a fifth of it, and then chucked it at a photo of his wedding that hung on the wall. Both the bottle and the picture shattered.

  Dumb, selfish bitch.

  He stumbled over to the couch cracking glass that had been broken on the floor. With a heavy grunt, Danny fell onto the leather sofa and started to sob quietly. It felt like a bad dream that would end if he just closed his eyes.