Always Series Box Set

by Becs, Lindsay

  He pushes up into my center, and it all but unravels me. “Fuck, you can’t do that, or I’m going to lose it.” I manage to get out between ragged breaths.

  “Maybe I want to see you lose it. And maybe I want to be the reason for it.”

  I freeze, all things stopping. “No.” I sit back, running my hands over my face. “What is wrong with me? We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

  “Josie,” he says my name, melting some of my reserve away as he pulls my hands from my face. “Stop fighting this. You and I both know that we’re good. This is good.”

  I climb off of him and sit back on my side of the bed, turning on the lamp so I can see his face for this. We both squint for a second, our eyes adjusting to the sudden brightness assaulting us. I run my hand over my face and through my hair again.

  “Travis, it’s wrong.”

  “How can you sit there and say that? Believe that? I know that you feel it, too. You feel the electricity that pulses through us when we touch, when we kiss. That doesn’t just happen. That’s us.”

  I shake my head no over and over at his words, but inside I know the truth in everything he’s saying.

  “No. We can’t do this. Tonight I’ll sleep, and only sleep, with you, because I think that’s what we both need right now. But then that’s it. You have to move on. You have to forget about my old, fat ass and do the things you’re supposed to with friends and girls your age.” I watch his face as his eyes harden and he clenches his jaw in anger the more I say and the more I push him away. “You deserve so much more than me, Trav. And when you find that person, it’ll be amazing, and I’ll be so happy for you.”

  “You don’t get it. No one ever wants me. I’m never good enough. And now it’s the same with you.”

  “Travis…”

  “I love you, Josie. I always will.” He stands up and starts for the door.

  “Where are you going?” I ask panicked, not ready to let him go yet.

  “I’m going to sleep in Ollie’s room.”

  “But why?”

  “Because this isn’t enough. And if I stay here, with you, tonight, I’m not going to be able to walk away again. So, if you’re sure this is it for us, then I’m done. It’s too damn hard to start and stop with you. So, are you sure?”

  I don’t want to be sure. I don’t want to say yes, but I know in my heart that I have to. I have to be the adult and make him see that this isn’t OK. This isn’t right, no matter how good it may feel. Instant gratification doesn’t always end well, and sometimes the lingering effects from it are the worst kind.

  I close my eyes, not wanting to see his face fall when I whisper, “Yes.” I open my eyes just before he leaves my room. “Travis?” He stops but doesn’t turn. “You can stay here as long as you need to. No matter what, you’ll always have a home here.”

  He nods and leaves the room, closing me into my room, alone. The second the door clicks closed, tears begin to freely fall down my face. I fall backward and roll over, smothering my cries into the pillow that already smells like him.

  Chapter Five

  Josie

  I’m surprised to see Travis still here when I come downstairs the next morning. Alright fine, so maybe it’s closer to the afternoon by the time I pull myself together enough to face the day. I didn’t sleep at all after Travis left the room. I cried, I stared at the ceiling, I walked to the door to go after him about twelve times and cried some more. Now, my eyes are red and puffy, and my throat is sore and dry. I feel like I was run over by a truck, but really my heart just broke.

  “It’s about time you woke up,” Tatum says to me as I walk into the kitchen where she and Travis are sitting at the table playing a hand of Uno. “I’ve already beat Trav eight times, but he’s determined to beat me at least once. I told him it wasn’t going to happen.” She’s so sure of herself. I love that this crazy girl doesn’t let anyone push her around.

  “There’s still coffee in the carafe if you want some,” Travis says with a small, tired smile pulling at his lips when he puts down a ‘draw two’ card, making Tatum huff.

  “Thanks,” I mumble as I walk past him and pour a cup. Taking a sip of the warm liquid, it feels good on my raw throat.

  I take a chance and peek up at Travis from over my cup. It’s like we’re two magnets being pulled together, because the second my eyes rest on his face, he flicks his sad eyes to mine. Not wanting to lose it, I quickly turn away from him and start washing the dishes in the sink.

  After I clean up the kitchen, I take my second cup of coffee into the living room and open my Kindle. I curl up on the couch ready to dive back into my new book, but after reading the same sentence twenty-five times, I realize that’s not going to happen. I can’t think about or focus on anything but Travis. So instead, I wrap my blanket around my shoulders and take my coffee outside to the porch. I sit and stare out into nothing, thinking about everything.

  I’m not sure how long I’ve been lost in my thoughts when I hear Travis clear his throat. I jump at the sound after sitting in silence for so long.

  “Can I, uh, ask you a favor?” I can see he’s nervous and uncomfortable by the way he’s rocking back on his heels and pulling at his lip.

  “Of course. Anything.”

  “I need help finding a place to live.” I feel my brows pull together in confusion. “I told you I got kicked out last night. I’m sure I could go back if I wanted to after a few days, but I don’t want to.”

  “I told you, you could stay here. You practically live here most of the time anyway. I meant it, Trav. You’re always welcome, no matter what.” I make sure to look into his eyes when I say the last part. I do mean it, and I want to be sure he knows that.

  He stands there watching me for a few minutes, contemplating I’m sure. “I’m ready. I need to be on my own. I’m legally old enough, even if I do still have a little bit of school left. I just need help and direction to find a place. I have money and a steady job, so that’s not really the issue. I just don’t know where to start.”

  “I see,” I reply looking down, feeling sad. I shouldn’t feel sad. I should feel happy, proud, excited for him even, but instead, I feel sad that he’s not going to be living two doors down anymore. Sad that he won’t be over as much because he won’t need to escape his house anymore. Sad because he would rather be alone than see me every day.

  “I just thought that since you’re a realtor and all, you could maybe help me? I know you sell houses and not apartments, but... I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. It’s OK, I’ll just do it on my own.”

  “Travis, stop. Of course, I’ll help you. If that’s what you want.”

  I hear him let out a puff of air. “Yes. Please.”

  “Sure thing, chicken wing,” I joke, trying to ease the tension between us. It works a little because I can see his lips twitch as he fights a smile.

  As much as it hurts to push him away, I know I have to. But I also don’t want to lose him from my life completely. We have to learn how to exist together and still be us.

  Just not us-us.

  * * *

  “Travis!”

  “Uh oh, someone’s in trouble.” I hear Ollie say to his friend as I walk in from work, yelling for Travis.

  “What’s up, Mrs. D?” he asks, walking down the stairs toward me as I unlace my boots. Oh yeah, he’s back to calling me that. It’s so great.

  “Hey, I have a list of apartments for you. I want you to look at it, and then I’ll set up times for you to check them out.”

  “Oh wow. Thanks.” He seems surprised, but he did ask me to do this, right? I didn’t imagine it, did I?

  “This is what you wanted, right?”

  “Yeah…”

  “You don’t seem convinced. Look, if you aren’t ready, it’s OK. You can stay here.”

  “No. I mean yes, it is what I asked for. I’m good. Let’s take a look,” he says as I pull the printed listings out of my bag and spread them out on the kitchen table.
Ollie has now joined us as I show Travis the various apartments.

  “Dude, that one has a pool. Think of all the chicks in bikinis. That one has to be at the top of the list.” I shake my head and laugh at Ollie’s logic. My son, ever the smart decision maker.

  “That’s the dumbest reason ever to pick a place,” Travis says, sounding disgusted, making me laugh harder.

  “Whatever, dude. Just saying if you’re going to have a place of your own, might as well take in all the perks you can.” Ollie shrugs as he takes a bite of an apple. “It’s also the closest one to here, you jackass.”

  “Oh yeah, I guess it is. I suppose I’ll keep it at the top of the list then.”

  “See? You’re gonna miss me,” Ollie says, pretending to get sad.

  “Nope. I’m gonna miss your mom,” Travis says nonchalantly, but I don’t miss the way he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling.

  TRAVIS

  On Fridays I only have one class, so I get to leave by 10:00. I usually hang out at school or go to the park or something before I have to be at the garage, but today I’m meeting Josie to look at a couple of apartments. To say I’m nervous is a total understatement. Not about the apartments and being on my own. No, I’m nervous about being alone with Josie for the first time since I walked away from her that night.

  I know she thinks she did the right thing, but I’m not convinced yet. Besides that, it hurt like hell when she pushed me away. The second she said she was sure she didn’t want me, I felt like the band that connected us snapped. I felt lost and alone, but more than that, I felt like I had been punched in the gut and had my heart ripped out.

  Even worse was hearing her cries throughout the night as I lay in bed listening to her break. Then when she came down later that morning, her eyes red and puffy, it took everything in me not to wrap her in my arms and kiss her.

  Instead, I’ve been keeping my distance and trying to act like nothing happened. It. Sucks.

  That’s why I’m nervous right now, because it’s going to be just Josie and me in empty apartments all afternoon.

  I take a deep breath and make my way into her office. I’ve never been in here before. Walking in, it’s nothing different from most other offices; desks, chairs, filing cabinets, people in suits mulling around, but then I see her laughing and my heart stops. She’s so beautiful, her head thrown back in full-out laughter at whatever her co-worker just said. I can’t help but stare and smile at the beautiful, carefree woman in front of me.

  She sees me watching her after a few seconds and waves. Fucking waves as she puts her head down and walks back into her private office. I make my way across the room to her door, which is cracked half open, and knock.

  “Come on in, Trav,” she says, not looking up at me. “Candace will be here in a second to take you.”

  “What? I thought you were taking me?”

  “Sorry, I have another meeting today. Candace is great; she’ll show you the three you liked.” She still won’t look up at me.

  I snort a disgusted laugh. “This really how we’re doing this? You won’t even look at me and can’t stand to be alone with me?”

  “Travis, keep your voice down!” she scolds, her head now up and looking at me.

  “No, Josie! This is fucking ridiculous. I asked you for help, not some other chick.”

  “Candace isn’t some chick. She’s my partner here. She’s more than capable of helping you. I have another commitment today. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that it was going to be a fun field trip, but some of us have jobs to do.”

  “Do not sit there and talk down to me. I am not a kid. You don’t get to be a condescending bitch because you’re uncomfortable,” I seethe and spit at her.

  “Please, for the love of God, keep your voice down,” she grits out.

  “No. I’m done. I’ll do this on my own then. Thanks for everything, Joes.” When I turn to leave, I feel something hit the back of my head.

  “What the fuck!?”

  “Shhh!” she shushes with a smirk from behind her desk. I look down to see she threw a stress ball at me. “You big, fat baby. Fine! I’ll tell Candace we have to switch today. She can go to the meeting and I’ll take you. You happy?”

  I feel a smile threaten to show, but I will not give her the satisfaction. “Yes. Now get your shit and let’s go. I have to be at work by four.” I turn without another word and walk out of her office, feeling like I just won the lottery.

  Me-1, Josie-0

  * * *

  “Oh, Trav, this one is nice,” Josie gushes as we walk through the third apartment of the day. We started out in total silence, neither of us wanting to give in first, but now, nearly two hours later, we’re back to normal. Or at least our normal.

  “It is. This is the one with the bikini-clad girls, right?” I ask, trying my hardest to keep a straight face because the look on hers is priceless.

  She blinks about a thousand times trying to compose herself. “Yes, it’s the one with the pool that Ollie was excited about.” The way she emphasizes that it was Ollie that said it and not me has me trying to contain my laughter. She is so fucking jealous right now, and it’s adorable.

  And such a turn-on.

  Biting my lip to keep my laughter from bubbling out, I look up at her from under my lashes, quirking an eyebrow at her in question. The way her cheeks redden and she turns away from me, she knows she’s been caught red-handed.

  I stalk over to where she’s bracing herself against the kitchen island, not wanting to keep my hands off her for one more second. To hell with what I told her before. I cage her in, putting my hands on either side of her, leaning in without actually touching her. My eyes shut as the smell of lavender and honey encircles me, enticing me more–as I smell her. “Don’t push me away again,” I whisper in her ear.

  I feel her shiver and watch as goosebumps break out over her soft skin from my words. I stand there so close to her, yet not close enough. Until finally, after what feels like years, she leans back into me with her head falling back against my chest. I swear to you, my heart stopped and exploded from that simple movement. From the touch and feel of her against me. From her not pushing me away.

  Snaking my arms around her middle, I pull her further into me because she’s not close enough yet. I place my lips on her neck, letting them linger there, feeling her heightened pulse thrumming against them. It’s the best sensation, knowing that I’m the cause of her racing heart.

  My lips make a trail of kisses up the side of her neck until I reach her ear. “Please say this is good. Say you want this too,” I plead with a whisper, causing a new wave of goosebumps down her arms. The way her breathing is ragged and she’s humming against me, I can feel that she does. I just need to get her to admit it and not think about it long enough so I can show her.

  “I want to. Lord knows I want to, but I can’t.”

  Releasing my hold, I spin her so I can look at her. “Look at me,” I say, tipping her chin up and meeting her eyes. “Look at me. Travis. Don’t think about my age or judgmental people or whatever favor you think you’re doing for me. Look at me. Because when I look at you, I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. I see a woman whose heart is bigger than anything in this world with the way she cares for and loves her family and friends and me. I see a woman who never puts her needs and wants first but always last. I see a woman who is so strong and brave that I’m scared she’ll never need me the way I need her. I need you, I want you and I adore you, Josie. I want to put you first and set you high on the pedestal where you belong. You deserve so much more than what you’ve been given, and I want to show you exactly how amazingly beautiful and wonderful you are. I see you, Josie. And I will always want you. Always.”

  Chapter Six

  Josie

  I’m pretty sure my heart literally skipped a beat with every word he said. And when he leaned in to me and kissed away the tear that escaped, I about melted into a puddle right then and there.
He’s still looking at me, into me, and searching.

  Searching for what he wants to hear.

  Searching for truth.

  Searching for love.

  Searching me.

  I’m so conflicted at this moment. I’m filled with fear, doubt, unease; but I’m also filled with awe, love, and longing. I never thought I’d hear such beautiful words said about me, let alone coming from Travis. He’s a completely different person when it’s just us.

  When it’s just us, I want so much for there to be more, to give in to my own wants; but then everything on the outside of our little bubble comes to the surface: Ollie, Tatum, our age difference, his parents, my ex, the world.

  How can I really look past all of that? I mean, can I? Will we ever be able to go out on a date and not get weird looks and whispers around us? Will Ollie be OK with his mom and best friend together? Will Tatum understand? So many questions. But I’ll never have answers unless I try, right?

  Am I crazy for considering this? Yes.

  Am I wrong for wanting a boy – a man – that’s fifteen years younger than me? Yes.

  But does something about it, us, feel right? Yes.

  Do I want Travis? Yes.

  Do I want to be with Travis? Hell yes!

  “Yes.” It’s barely audible, but I said it.

  “What? What did you say?”

  “Yes,” I say a little louder this time, chancing a look up at him. “Yes, I want this. I want you.”

  A smile breaks across his face, making his dark eyes lighter. He kisses me, making my heart skip a beat again, and I kiss him back.

  After our kiss increases and my lips are starting to feel swollen from the push and pull of our mouths, he breaks away, resting his forehead against mine. I can still taste him on my lips, and it’s intoxicating.