Jesse
I’d been pushing her away. I had to. For both our sakes. If I hadn’t, I would have ruined her. I would have ruined us.
Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“You’ll call me, right?” she asks with tear-stained cheeks.
“When I can, Nugget,” I tell her, pulling her to me. I kiss the top of her wild red hair that I know I’ll miss every time I see a sunset. I’ll think of her every time I see a penny. I will long for her every time I wake up in a panicked sweat from another nightmare.
“You’ll come back home, won’t you, Jess?”
“You’re my home, Pen. I’ll always come back to you.”
She tilts her head up to look at me. Her blue eyes sparkle from the tears that have been falling all morning. “You’re my home, too. I understand that you don’t want me like that. It’s OK. You’ll always be my best friend, no matter what, and we’re each other’s home.”
I fight back all the words I want to say. I want to tell her the truth, that she is more than my best friend, more than my home. She’s my soft landing, my safe haven. She’s the only one I want in my future. No one else will ever come close to her. But I can’t. I need to let her go. And I need to go before I can’t.
“Have fun around the world, playing with engines and all the big boys.” I smile down at her. “I’ll see you, Nugget.” Kissing her forehead, I hold everything inside as I walk away.
Now I lie here on my bed. On top of my bed actually because I don’t want to chance ruining my perfectly tucked-in corners and smooth sheets. It’s been over seven weeks since I left. I have two weeks left of basic training before graduation. I should find out my official job and get my assignment soon. I’ll leave here and travel to wherever my job training is for however long that takes before moving to my first duty station.
I can’t sleep tonight, though. I’m ready for this shitty part to be done, but more than that, I miss Nugget. I haven’t contacted her since I left. I thought it would be better this way. I’ve talked to Tilly and even Travis a few times. They assure me she’s doing well but asks about me. I know I should reach out, but I can’t. Not yet.
* * *
Today is graduation day. I’m lined up with the rest of my flight as we march out to where our friends and family are waiting for us. We aren’t allowed to smile, look, or move toward any of them until we’re dismissed. That didn’t make me miss the fact that I saw Penny with Tilly and Travis as I marched by.
I want to be pissed at Tilly for bringing Penny, but I can’t be. I’m so damn happy to see her. Even if I do get her wrath for not contacting her like I said I would.
After what feels like a hundred years, we are able to greet our friends and family. I start my walk to them, and when my eyes lock with Penny’s, her huge smile tells me she isn’t mad. She takes off in a full out run toward me. I catch her in my arms as our bodies collide.
“We’re aren’t supposed to show open affection in uniform,” I whisper into her ear.
She pulls away from me with big eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Smiling, I take her hand in mine and pull her back to me, my forehead resting on hers. “When have I ever cared about shit like that?”
“Never,” she giggles. “But I’m still mad at you.”
“Yeah, I was waiting for that.”
“I’m sure you were,” she mocks, rolling her eyes. “Come on, they want to see you, too.” She pulls me by the hand to where Tilly and Travis are standing back watching us.
I give Tilly a big hug when I get to her. She’s crying and can’t seem to stop, which makes us all laugh, her included. “I’m so damn proud of you, Jesse,” she tells me.
Travis gives me a handshake and man hug with his congratulations. He’s been the closest thing to a father to me for over a decade, but we’ve never been good with our emotions and feelings. It’s just an unspoken thing between us.
One of my military training instructors—also known as an MTI—comes over to say hello. Sergeant Stutzman is one of the biggest assholes here and has ridden my ass the entire time. To say that I’ll miss him when I leave would be the biggest lie I’d ever tell.
“Airman Jones, congratulations,” he says with a smirk. “Jones, you’ll make a fine Airman. I hope you know I’m toughest on the ones who have the most potential. Just don’t tell Sanders in case he hasn’t figured that out.” Sanders always seemed to get off easy at times. Now, it makes sense.
“Thank you, sir. Let me introduce you. This is my aunt, Tilly Lane, family friend, Travis Gellar, and my best friend, Penny.”
“Nice to meet you all,” Sergeant Stutzman says, but then he looks at Penny a second time. “I know you from somewhere…” he trails off, then he snaps his fingers. “IMR! You’re with Royal King and dating Macallan, right?”
My eyes dart to Penny, who I see blush. Motherfucker.
“Uh, yeah. I work for Royal King. I’m one of their crew chiefs this season. It worked out in the schedule that we had more of a break right now, so I could be here to see Jesse graduate.” She smiles politely and gives him all the answers, but I know my friend and she’s furious right now. Furious that he told her secrets before she could.
“Wow. That’s crazy. I’m a huge King fan. Jones, don’t let this one go,” he says, patting my back, and I want to break his hand.
“Yeah, Benton is my brother-in-law,” Penny adds.
“No shit?” Stutzman says surprised. How he knew that she was dating Macallan, whoever that is, but didn’t know that she was related to Benton—who he’s a huge fan of—I don’t understand but what-the-fuck-ever.
“No shit,” Travis deadpans. “Tatum is my step-daughter. It was nice to meet you, Sergeant,” he adds, trying to defuse the situation, I’m sure.
“Pleasure is mine. Pretty awesome that these two best friends are both mechanics, huh?” Sergeant, getting on my damn nerves, says while bumping my shoulder. “Have a good time.”
I blow out a breath when he leaves us. “Nice, Pen,” I deadpan.
“So, mechanic?” Travis smirks at me. “At least they got that right.” He’s trying to take the tension out of the air and off of his daughter. I can’t be mad about that I suppose.
“Yeah, but on helicopters. Who knew the Air Force even had fucking helicopters?”
“Language!” Penny yells, looking hurt and frustrated. Yeah, join the club, Nugget.
I give her a what the hell look and turn back to Travis. “Learned from the best, so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Technical school starts in a couple weeks and will have me there for months before I get to move on to the actual work I signed up for,” I tell him.
“I’m sure you’ll do great, kid.”
“Thanks,” I say, then turn to Tilly. “You really still crying?” I ask with a laugh while pulling her into my side for a hug.
“Yes,” she sighs. “Do you want to show us around or are you ready to get out of here and get some real food? You look thin,” she says, patting my stomach.
“I’m ready for a night away.”
After letting my flight leader know that I’m heading out with my family for dinner and signing out, we head off base.
Dinner is good. So good that they all stare at me as I shovel food in my mouth at the same rapid speed that’s become a habit in basic. It’s amazing how you learn to eat in a short amount of time when you’re starving.
I slow down, order dessert, and enjoy the rest of the time with them. I’ve missed all of them but haven’t allowed myself time to think about it since I arrived here.
After we finish, I still have some time before I have to report back. We start to walk through the city together, but soon Travis and Tilly announce that they’re tired and ready to head back to the hotel and their rooms, leaving Nugget and me alone.
We walk in silence for a while before she grabs my hand to stop me. “Will you please look at me?” So I do, meeting her eyes filled with mixed emotions.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For you finding out about Zander like that. It’s not what he made it out to be.”
“Penny… look, we aren’t together. And I haven’t talked to you in almost two months. You’re allowed to date whoever you want to date.”
“Yeah…”
“Tell me what’s really going on.”
“I’ve missed you so freaking much, Jess. Zander and I are only friends.” She rolls her eyes. “The media got ahold of who I was and my relation to Royal King. The fact that I’m a mechanic on their team, a female mechanic, was crazy enough. Then, one night, Zander and I were out and it became a story. We don’t encourage the rumors.”
“But looks like you don’t deny them, either.”
She looks at me with pleading eyes and shrugs. My eyes trail over her bare shoulders, across her collarbone, and down to where her cleavage is showing.
“You look really beautiful, Nugget.”
“Jesse…”
“I’m really glad you came. I know I didn’t deserve to see you, but I’m glad you’re here.” Leaning down, I place a soft kiss on her lips. “I have to go,” I tell her, with my head leaning against hers. “Bye, Nugget.”
I walk away from her. Again. I have a duty, and she has a supposed boyfriend to get back to.
Chapter Five
Penny
I’m on the plane flying back to join the RK team. They’re in Europe right now. We usually have a week or two between races, but since it’s mid-season we have a four-week break. It worked out perfectly, or so I thought, that I could go see Jesse. Now, I’m not sure it was a great idea to surprise him.
My eyes are closed as I sit in the first-class seat that Tatum made me get. My head is pounding from not sleeping last night, but my heart is hurting more. Watching him walk away from me, not even sparing a glance back, hurt more than when he first left and I didn’t hear from him for almost two months.
I try my hardest to will my mind and body to relax and let me sleep on the flight, but I can’t. By the time I land, I’m exhausted and I know it’s written all over my face.
“Oh shit,” I hear Tatum murmur when she sees me. “You alright?”
“I’m fine. Just tired.”
She lets it go, for once, and ushers me over to get my bag. Once I have all my things, we make our way to the car waiting outside for us.
“Come on, Pen, talk to me,” my sister probes.
“He found out about Zander. And not from me.”
“Then how? I didn’t think Travis even knew.”
“He didn’t. So that was another added bonus to explain later,” I grumble like a bratty teenager.
“So, he was mad? Jesse, I mean?”
“I don’t even know,” I sigh, frustrated with how everything went. “He seemed happy to see me, even though I hadn’t heard from him. Then he seemed, I don’t know, hurt maybe? Mad, I guess, too.”
“Did you tell him that it’s not what it looks like?”
“I tried. He didn’t want to hear it really. I don’t even know if he believed me. He’s known me practically my whole life, yet he listens to a stranger tell him something he read online.”
“I’m sorry, Penny. I really am.”
“I just… I just thought maybe if he saw me again, he’d want more.”
“More?” my sister asks with a raised brow.
“Don’t make me say it, Tate.” With her lips pursed, she waits for me to go on. “We kissed before he left.”
“Oh?”
“Stop being so smug!” I yell at her, taking my frustration with Jesse out on her. “It was an amazing kiss. My first kiss. But then he knew I was leaving and he was leaving, and you know the rest.”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” she says. “He’ll be wherever doing whatever for the country, and you’ll be with us for a while still traveling. It wouldn’t be easy to do a relationship like that.”
“Maybe,” I say with a shrug. “I miss my friend, though, Tate. More than wanting to kiss him again, I miss my friend.”
Inside my hotel room a couple hours later, Tatum knocks on my door and gives me a bag, telling me to use everything in it. I’m not going to lie to you; I’m a little scared about what’s inside.
I read the note first. “You look exhausted. Use it all. It’ll help you relax. Love you, baby sister.” I dump the contents out on the bed, and my eyes bug out when I see everything inside: Motrin PM, a mini bottle of wine, bath bombs, essential oils, a sleep mask. And a vibrator.
My sister gave me a vibrator. I’ve never even had an orgasm or touched myself like that. But sure. Vibrator? No problem. I roll my eyes at my own naivety and instead go to the bathroom to run a bath. That seems like a safe place to start.
While the water runs, I open the bottle of wine and take a sip straight from the bottle. Sweet… fizzy... OK, I can drink this.
I undress and sink into the warm water. Next, I drop a bath bomb in and watch as it swirls around making its own fizz. It smells minty and kind of woodsy. I look at the wrapper and see it’s eucalyptus and mint. I inhale again, and this time my senses go into overdrive. It smells like a man. It smells like Jesse. Freaking Tatum.
I sip my wine and soak in the bath for a while, but all I smell is Jesse around me. Even more frustrated than when I started, I get out and dry off, pulling on a fuzzy robe before climbing into bed.
I scroll through my phone for a while and then decide that I want to kill myself further, so I open my pictures. I scan through shots of Jesse and me through the years. It makes me smile seeing us at different ages and stages of life.
There are the nerdy pictures from when I was barely a teen, still catching lightning bugs with him behind my house at night. When he first got his driver’s license and truck, we’d go for drives and watch the sunset in the bed, listening to music. Us working and goofing around at the garage. Jesse punching his stupid punching bag. Him buying his house. Movie nights and game nights. So many with us and Bear.
Then I pause. I took pictures of him the last night I stayed at his house before everything went to crap. He thought I fell asleep, but I was awake most of the night reliving our kiss over and over.
I scroll through these slower than the others. Seeing his naked upper half, his sleeping relaxed face, and messy hair. He’s gorgeous. There are a few of his sleeping form on his side. Then there are a couple that I took with us together. We fit. We always have. Do we still?
Gosh, I miss him. I miss him wrapped around me, and not even in a dirty way. I miss his warmth. His strong arms protecting me.
I scan back through the pictures of him sleeping. He really is sexy. I guess it’s true that you never appreciate what you have until it’s taken away.
I turn my head to the side and reach for the vibrator still sitting on the bed. I don’t know what I’m doing. Or thinking, for that matter. I finished off the mini bottle of wine already and feel just the right amount of inhibition gone.
Staring at his picture, I rub my legs together, trying to dull the ache there. I shouldn’t be embarrassed, it’s only me here. Screw it. I’m eighteen and have never done anything like this before. Heck, my sister practically told me to.
I untie the robe I’m wearing, and sliding my hand inside, I brush it across my breast. It sends a zing between my legs. My breathing picks up as I pinch and roll my nipple between my finger and thumb. Gosh, that feels good. My trembling hand reaches for the vibrator. I turn it on, jumping at first when it starts to buzz. Laughing, I tell myself, “Calm down, Pen. No one is here. You deserve an orgasm.”
Biting my lip, I grab my phone and position it to rest against my thigh where my legs are bent up. I run the silicone buzzing rod across my nipples, jolting from the sensation. Even though I barely touch it to my lady parts, it still makes me moan, pulling it away. What have I been missing out on? “Jesse,” I giggle, staring at his picture. I touch it to my center again, but this time I close my legs around it. Turning to my sid
e, my hips move back and forth against the wonder stick in my hand. “Jesse,” I moan. No. He needs a different name, but I’ll get to that later. “Shit!” I yell as tingles start to set off from my head to my toes. My body convulses uncontrollably as the best feeling I’ve ever felt in my life takes over.
I turn on my back again with a huge smile on my face. Yeah, I’ll be doing that more, I think as I begin to laugh. I turn off my… what should I call my stand-in dick? Dang. He keeps making me curse. Oh! That’s it. SID: Stand-In Dick.
I get up to wash off SID. Then I see it. I took a video of the whole thing. When I turned to my side, my leg must have done something to my touchscreen. Crap! I look to see what exactly happened. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. I not only took a video of myself doing… that. But I sent the video to Jesse in a text message.
This is not good.
Chapter Six
Jesse
It’s been over a week since I’ve seen Nugget. I haven’t even bothered to turn my phone on while I finished up here at basic. Now I have to so I can set up my map app to drive the rental car to my next stop on this journey. Technical training school, or tech school as most people call it.
I turn my phone on and see a bunch of missed calls and texts and notifications popping up. I give it time to get caught up as I load my bags in. I scan them real quick, shooting off a quick text to Tilly letting her know I’m hitting the road, but only one has me wanting to read it before I take off.
My brows pinch in confusion when I see it’s a video. I press play and watch in more confusion. What am I watching? Then I hear a voice I know. “Jesse,” she moans before cursing. Is she having sex with someone else? I don’t understand what this is, but it’s making me fucking hard hearing her like this. Her giggles fill my ears next. No, I think she’s alone. Did she just… The video stops there. Holy fuck! I think Penny was getting herself off thinking about me.
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