Always Series Box Set

by Becs, Lindsay

  “Nugget, you know better than anyone that I won’t ever lie to you. I’m a guy. Of course, I want you, but that’s not all I want from you.”

  “I’ve never wanted anyone else. Even before I knew what these feelings were, it was you.”

  I pull her against me more, holding her tight, and before long, she starts to fall asleep. I carefully pull my shorts off and pull the blankets up over us, wrapping my arms around her. This is all I’ve ever wanted. This right here.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, kissing her bare shoulder. “It was always you.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Penny

  I wake up to my phone ringing. I smile at first feeling Jesse pressed against me, but reluctantly move to find my phone.

  I don’t recognize the number, though. “Hello?” I answer, walking into Jesse’s bathroom.

  “Penny, it’s me, Zander.”

  “Hey, what’s up? You alright?” I ask curiously while I pull a shirt on over my head. I’m not sure why he’s calling me at all, least of all early in the morning.

  “I miss you,” he says it simply.

  “I miss you, too, Zander.” Although I don’t think it’s the same way he means.

  “Are you still in Vegas?”

  “Yeah, I’m still here.”

  “Can I see you before you leave?”

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I say, looking nervously at the closed bathroom door.

  “Please? I heard you aren’t coming back. I need to see you.”

  “You’ll do just fine without me. I’ll still come to watch you race here. You’ll see me,” I try to reassure him.

  “It’s not the same and you know it.”

  “Zander, I just… I’m with someone.” I smile as I say the words, touching my still-swollen lips with my fingers.

  “Is it the guy who called you that night?”

  “Yes.”

  “Alright,” he sighs, and I’m relieved he’s letting it go. “Well, if anything changes, you know where to find me. Bye, Penny.”

  “Bye, Zander. Take care of yourself.”

  I hang up, unsure of what that was all about. I’m disappointed when I open the door and Jesse isn’t still in bed. I wanted to crawl back into his warmth. I quietly walk downstairs and find him in the kitchen making coffee.

  I walk up behind him, wrapping my arms around his middle, and kiss his bare back. “Morning.” I smile. But my smile falls when he brushes me off and doesn’t say anything in return. “What’s wrong?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that I heard you telling Zander how much you missed him after spending the night with me. Feeding me a bunch of bullshit.”

  “Jesse, it’s not like that. I told him I was with you.”

  “Really? So, you don’t miss him? You lied to him, too?”

  “He’s my friend. Yes, I miss him like that. But I haven’t lied to either one of you. Why are you being like this?” I feel like my heart is going to explode from how fast it’s beating.

  He runs his hands through his hair in frustration, and I can tell he’s trying to decide if he believes me or not.

  My eyes then go to the steps where I see a leggy blonde coming in the front door. “Jesse!” she yells, running over to Jesse and kissing him on the lips. “Ethan said you weren’t going to be here.” She smirks. “Why didn’t you come to hang last night?”

  His eyes go from her to me, and I see him grit his teeth. “Hi, I’m Penny. I’m an old friend of Jesse’s. I’m the reason he didn’t spend the night with you,” I say matter-of-factly with my hand outstretched to her.

  “Hi,” she says, looking at my hand like I’m trying to hand her a pile of poop or something. “I’m Jewel. Jesse’s girlfriend.”

  My head swings to him in time to see him close his eyes. “Really? Jesse didn’t mention anything about you.”

  “Well, it’s new. Isn’t it, baby?” she coos, wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing him on the cheek.

  “I’ll just go change and get out of your way then,” I state trying to hold in all of my emotions and the last of my dignity and leave the kitchen.. “Nice to meet you, Jewel.”

  I fight back all the tears threatening to fall as I pull my clothes back on. I’m tying my hair up into a top knot when Jesses walks in.

  “Don’t you need to get back to your girlfriend?” I ask sarcastically. “I can’t believe you made me feel bad for Zander calling me when you have a girlfriend!”

  “Nugget, it’s not like that,” he argues, grabbing my hand to stop me from leaving the room.

  “Don’t call me that,” I grit out and snatch my hand away. “Not now. Right now, I’m pissed at you. I’m not your Nugget. Right now, I’m apparently nothing but a girl you once knew.”

  “Don’t say that,” he whispers, sounding genuinely hurt.

  “Then tell me what the fuck is going on!” I scream as tears fall down my cheeks. “I trust you more than anyone in the world. But you just shattered my heart in a matter of seconds.”

  “Jewel hangs out with Alvie and me and a few others sometimes. She’s made it pretty clear she likes me. I took her out a few times. She’s not my girlfriend.”

  “Have you slept with her?” I ask, wiping the tear off my cheek that’s fallen.

  “Yes,” he answers as he falls to sit on the bed, looking at the floor.

  I’ve always known that Jesse has slept with girls and dated, but seeing and hearing it from his mouth tears my heart in two. It’s always been that one thing we don’t talk about.

  “How much?”

  “Penny…” he pleads with me to not have to answer, and that is enough of an answer for me.

  “Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “I need to leave.”

  He stands then, taking my hand in his again. “No, you don’t. Please stay. Don’t leave like this.” He kisses my hand. “Don’t leave at all.”

  “I can’t stay here. Not with images of you with her in my head.”

  “It’s not fucking like that,” he protests, frustrated. He moves to cup my face in his hands and I want to give in to him, but I can’t. “I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t do this,” I say, stepping away from him. I turn from him and leave the room.

  He doesn’t follow me.

  And it bruises my already broken heart even more.

  * * *

  Tatum tried to talk to me when I got back to her house, but I wasn’t ready to talk. I climbed into a scalding hot shower and tried to wash the entire night and morning off of me.

  She didn’t press me when I told her I wanted to fly home. She called Benton and let me take their company jet back to Graves. When I saw my dad at the airport, I ran to him instantly, throwing my arms around him as tears began to fall.

  “I missed you, Daddy.”

  “I missed you, too, LP. Come on, let’s go home,” he says with his arm around my shoulders. My dad has been my hero my whole life. Maybe he’s all the home I need.

  After we get home, we decide on pizza for dinner. I change into my favorite sweats and join my dad in the living room. I hand him a beer that I grabbed on my way and sit next to him, curling my legs under me. Now, I wish Bear were here.

  “You look like you need this more than me,” he says, referencing the beer. “You alright, baby girl?”

  I smile at him calling me that. It was what my momma called me, but he doesn’t usually. “Jesse and I had a fight.”

  “Lord knows the two of you have fought before. Everything will be alright.”

  “I don’t know. This time was different.”

  “Because the two of you were finally honest with how you feel about each other?” he asks, shocking me. My surprised reaction makes him chuckle. “You two think you fool everyone, but I think you only fool each other.” He shakes his head, taking a drink from the can in his hand.

  “Everything was good. Great even. Then I got a phone call and he only half heard it, and made assumptions. Then, a girl sho
wed up claiming to be his girlfriend. We said some things. I don’t know. It felt more final this time, Dad.”

  “You two are meant for each other. I think Tilly and I have known that since the beginning. You’re still young. You both have time to work it out.”

  “I hope so,” I sigh.

  Dad and I eat and watch a movie. He even had popcorn and M&M’s ready for us to snack on, and even though it was the thing I did with Jesse, it was nice to share it with my dad.

  I don’t know when I’ll talk to Jesse again, or if I ever will, for that matter. But I hope that we can both move on and learn to forgive each other before it destroys us more than it already has.

  When I go to bed that night, I reach for the box that holds the most important things in my life. My mom’s letters. I look through them until I find the one I think I need. Hope is written on the envelope.

  You know, baby girl, hope is such an important part of life. It’s a much greater feeling to hold on to than people give credit to. Without hope, you have nothing to look forward to. Without hope, you give up. Without hope, all brightness fades away.

  I don’t know what you’re going through right now that you’re in need of these words, but don’t give up. Hold close all the good things you have because I promise you there are lots of them.

  It might surprise you, but even at the end of my time on earth, I held on to hope. It wasn’t hope that I’d be miraculously healed necessarily; I knew my time was up. But I have hope in Ollie, Tatum, your dad, and you. I had hope then, and now still, that you would be the sunshine your dad would need in his time of grief. I have hope that Ollie will stick to his path and become an amazing doctor. I have hope that Tatum will follow her heart and change the world with her stubbornness and beautiful soul. I have hope that your dad will one day move on and love again. I have hope that you will become such an incredible woman that you set the world on fire around you.

  So, hold tight to what you know. To what you can do. To what you can achieve. Be strong and fierce, compassionate and kind. Be you. And never forget your home.

  Your momma loves you, baby girl

  A sob rips through me as I put the letter down. Never forget your home. How does she know everything without being here? Every. Time.

  “Ok, Momma. I’ll hold on to hope,” I cry, into my pillow. “I can never forget my home. Jesse is my home.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Jesse

  The second I heard Jewel’s voice, I knew my already bad morning was going to get even worse. I was right.

  When Penny left, she ripped my heart out of my chest and took it with her. I’ve felt empty every minute of every day since she walked out four months ago. I haven’t talked to her once. I know I fucked up. It was my fault. I kept thinking that if she wanted to talk to me, she would call.

  But then a couple weeks after she left, I got deployment orders. So, here I sit in a giant sandbox.

  “Jones, you coming to chow?” Alvie asks, pulling me from my thoughts about Penny as I stare at the picture of her I have taped in a notebook.

  “Yeah,” I sigh.

  “Come on, man, is it still that girl?”

  Alvie doesn’t understand. He came into the house that day after Penny had left and I’d kicked Jewel out to see me drunk off my ass talking to Bear about how much I loved Penny and had fucked up.

  “Penny. She has a name.”

  “Yeah, so do you, pussy,” he teases. “Aw, that’s kinda cute, Penny and Pussy.”

  “Fuck you,” I chuckle, punching him in the arm.

  “You’re not my type, Puss, but thanks for the offer.” He winks as we grab trays and get our food.

  “Seriously, there’s plenty of lonely chicks here who would gladly give your dick a tug,” he says, and the thought grosses me out to think about how many he’s been with already that he’s now offering up to me.

  “No thanks, I’m good.”

  “Just saying, these GI Jane chicks get horny.” He wags his brows talking about the other branch of service women who are deployed here, too.

  “Dude. Stop. I don’t want to fuck someone right now, alright? That’s what got me into this mess in the first place,” I grumble.

  He shakes his head at me. “I don’t get it. She left. Move the fuck on.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  After dinner, Alvie tried to talk me into playing poker with him and some other guys, but I wasn’t in the mood. Especially after he was trying to pimp me out before dinner. Who knows what kind of shit he’d do during a game of poker.

  I fell asleep pretty fast, but woke up after having a nightmare. It’s one I’ve had my whole life, but this time it wasn’t my parents in the car; it was Penny. Lifeless, bleeding, broken. I screamed for help, but no one was around. No one could help me. I was alone and she was gone. Leaving me alone, forever.

  “Fuck,” I say to myself, rubbing my chest where my heart beats wildly. I try to go back to sleep, but I know the only thing—person—who can help me isn’t here and probably doesn’t want to hear from me.

  Later in the afternoon, I can’t get her out of my head. I decide to chance it and go to the tent that houses the computers and phones we can use to call home. I’ve checked in with Tilly throughout, but I’ve never tried to call anyone else. It’s almost one in the afternoon here, which means it’s the middle of the night there. I hate to wake her, but I have to hear her voice.

  “Hello?” she answers quietly, sounding half asleep.

  “It’s me,” I say and roll my eyes at myself for the awesome opening line.

  “Jesse?” Hearing her say my name makes my heart leap.

  “Yeah, Nugget. Man, I needed to hear your voice today,” I tell her truthfully.

  “I miss you, you idiot,” she laughs through what sounds like tears. “How are you? Are you alright?” Fuck, she would. She would care about me after everything.

  I chuckle into the phone. “I’m fine. It’s been crazy here lately, but I’m alright. I miss the shit out of you.”

  “Does this mean you forgive me?” she asks, and it pains me that she thinks I was mad at her all this time.

  “I’m not mad at you. I never was,” I answer honestly.

  “Then why didn’t you come after me? Why didn’t you call me? I haven’t heard from you in months. I’ve been worried sick about you, you know.”

  “I was mad at myself. Not you. Never you, Nugget.”

  “OK… But you’re really alright?”

  “I’m still kickin’.” I try to joke but it’s lost between us. There’s still so much left unsaid.

  “You better be. I need to kick your butt when you get back.”

  Her threat makes me smile. “I’d like to see you try.”

  “How much longer?”

  “Not too long. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.”

  “Jesse?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Am I still your home?” Fuck. She goes right for the jugular.

  “I have to go. I’ll call you soon.”

  “Oh, OK. I’m glad you called,” she says, sounding like I let her down again.

  “Me too. It’s good to hear from home,” I say like a coward and hang up.

  I can’t do this with her like this. I can’t do it over the phone and across the world from her. I need to talk to her, for real, but I want to look her in the eye when I tell her she’s my home, that I love her, and it’s always been her.

  * * *

  I haven’t talked to Penny for a couple weeks. Work has been busy. Things are always breaking, days are always long, and half the time I pass out before I even make it to eat a decent meal. That doesn’t mean I don’t still dream of her. They’ve all been good dreams, though, since I talked to her.

  “Mail!” someone yells as I lie on my bed, finally having a minute of peace. I stand in the back, not expecting to hear my name since I got a package from Tilly just last week.

  “A1C Jones!” The fuck? I jump up and make my way t
o the sergeant calling names, taking the box addressed to me. I smile to myself, recognizing the handwriting.

  “Is that a fucking smile on your face?” one of the guys asks when I walk back to my bunk. I give him the finger and sit down on my bed, anxious to open it.

  As soon as I open the box, the first thing I see is a folded paper airplane. I drop my head and start to laugh as I stare at it, thinking back to our childhood.

  Whenever we got mad at each other, whoever was wrong would apologize through a written note folded like an airplane. Since our bedroom windows were across from each other, it made it simple. Throw a pebble so the other person would open their window, then fly the plane to them.

  It started almost as soon as we became friends, but continued until I moved into my house. Even still, we’d leave them for each other when we got mad or did something wrong. It seems so childish, but it’s still Penny and me.

  “Why won’t you talk to me this time?” I ask sarcastically as we walk home together from school.

  I’m a sophomore in high school, and she’s in seventh grade. The two schools are next to each other, so Penny meets me at the courtyard of the high school and we walk home together. At least until I get my license next week.

  “I saw you,” she mumbles next to me. She’s almost a foot shorter than me now. I’ve grown a bunch in the past two years.

  “You saw me do what, Nugget?” I ask, acting like I have no idea, but my heart is beating rapidly in my chest.

  “I saw you kiss that girl,” she says, not looking at me but staring at the ground as we walk.

  Well, fuck. I didn’t mean for her to see that. I go out with friends and girls sometimes, and it wasn’t the first girl I’ve kissed either, but I never want to make her feel uncomfortable.

  It’s weird right now, though. I’m almost sixteen and she’s thirteen. Middle school and high school. She’s barely got boobs, and I’ve been jerking off for four years. Things are different, and we can’t help it. But it doesn’t mean she’s not still my best friend.