Memoirs of a Girl Wolf

by Lawrence, Xandra

  “We should go out again,” he said with a half-smile.

  “Absolutely not.” I laughed.

  With a bewildered look, he continued walking down the stairs. I watched him as he unlocked the front door and left the house before I trudged down the stairs myself.

  Mom met me at the bottom of the steps holding a mug of coffee which she sipped carefully before asking me, “What did he want?”

  “His sweatshirt,” I said.

  “Mickey, why do you have the boys clothing?” Mom asked with concern.

  “Mom! I just borrowed his sweatshirt a long time ago.”

  She followed me to the kitchen where I poured myself a cup of coffee. The entire day kept unfolding through my mind as I thought about Reign in the woods, the black wolf, and then Max. My emotions morphed from happy to terror to anger.

  “What’s wrong?” Mom asked.

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “You look upset. Don’t get upset.”

  “Where are the boys?” I asked, noticing how quiet the house was.

  “At a sleep over.”

  Mom and I looked at each other and smiled as we both realized that meant we had the attic and big screen television to ourselves. We wouldn’t have to wrangle the remote from my little brothers or be forced to watch cartoons. Without saying anything we both started running, then slowing our pace to fast a walk so that we wouldn’t spill our coffee, up the two flights of stairs to the attic.

  I collapsed on the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table while Mom turned on Netflix and we started the annoying process of trying to agree on what to binge watch for the rest of the night.

  “What time is it?” I asked when I looked out the round attic window and noticed the sun already disappearing from the sky and a faded sliver of a chalky white moon in its place.

  Mom shook the dainty, white gold watch on her freckled wrist. “Five,” she said.

  I didn’t realize it was already so late. I hadn’t kept track of the time I had spent in the woods with Reign. We must have talked for hours without realizing it. He was so easy to talk with. I was deliriously happy, but then my mind quickly switched to Max’s face as he looked back up at me from the stairs and asked me out again as if nothing had transpired between us, as if he hadn’t done anything to hurt me and that made me so mad.

  The more I thought of it the more furious I became. My body started reacting to my anger. My body temperature rose and soon I was sweating, my hands went from trembling to shaking, and my heart beat quickened. I tried saying something to Mom, but instead I growled and when I did Mom looked at me dreadfully afraid.

  “Calm down,” she said in a pleading voice. Then shooting a look out of the window she said, “It’s not even dark.”

  I kept closing and opening my eyes as my sight was going in and out of focus, and sound was slipping away then rushing back ten times the normal volume. It was like I was underwater and there was a ton of pressure weighing me down. Everything was happening in a faded, dark, slow motion way so I was unable to react or question when I saw Mom walk to the back of the attic take a gun from behind the book shelf, aim it at me, and shoot me. The last thing I saw was an orange dart sticking out of my thigh and I remembered thinking that better not have left a tear in my jeans.

  16

  I woke in a dark room with a cold wash cloth on my forehead. As soon as I started to stir a little under the goose feather comforter that covered me, I heard someone walk across the room and sit at the end of the bed.

  The washcloth was removed from my damp forehead and I opened my eyes to see mom looking into my face.

  “You shot me,” I mumbled.

  “Shot you? Honey, you have a fever,” Mom said, dabbing at my face with the wash cloth.

  She left the bed and returned with an icepack that she set on my forehead. I shivered.

  “A fever?” I asked. My throat was parched. When I tried to sit up, Mom gently pushed me back down into the bed, but I noticed that I wasn’t in my room, but her room. The curtains were closed over her windows and the lights were off. A fan above me rotated, but did little to cool me off. The ice helped some.

  “You were delirious as soon as your friend left I put you to bed,” Mom said.

  “Max?” I mumbled trying to figure out what happened.

  She nodded. “Are you feeling better? You look better than yesterday. I stayed up all night checking in on you. I thought you’d be more comfortable in the bigger bed.”

  As I listened to her, I covered my warm face with my hands and started to cry. Mom wrapped her arms around me and tried to shush me.

  “What’s wrong with me?” I sobbed.

  “Nothing, it’s just a fever,” Mom said gently as she rocked me back and forth.

  “I saw a wolf. The black wolf it came up to me,” I said as I wiped my tears away with my fingers.

  Mom shook her head. “Oh honey, that was probably the fever.”

  I closed my eyes and listened to the thud of Mom’s heart and her hushing sounds as she cradled me. Maybe I was hallucinating things yesterday, but that worried me that my picnic with Reign wasn’t real either.

  “You can stay home from school tomorrow,” Mom said.

  “No, I’m fine,” I replied, quickly. I needed to see Reign.

  Monday morning he stood waiting for me in front of my locker holding a flower which he gave to me as soon as I walked up to him.

  Before I had time to thank him, we were interrupted by Max who leaned against the row of lockers on the other side of me and picked up a few strands of my hair which he rubbed in between his fingers until I pulled my hair away from him.

  “What?” I asked him.

  “Go to homecoming with me,” Max said.

  I scoffed. “No.”

  His jaw dropped. “No?”

  “Ask Sydney or Kristy,” I said.

  Max stared at me in disbelief and because he wasn’t going anywhere, I shut my locker and grabbed hold of Reign’s hand and pulled him a few feet down the hallway away from a stunned Max.

  “Heartbreaker,” Reign teased, but then balling his hands into fists he added, “That guys such a jerk.”

  “I don’t want to go to Homecoming with him.”

  “Who do you want to go to homecoming with?” Reign asked in a lighter tone.

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled, feeling suddenly nervous.

  The first bell echoed through the building. Reign glanced over his shoulder in the direction of his class at the end of the dim hallway.

  “See you at lunch?” he said, as he started to walk backwards.

  My nervousness bubbled into laughter, which erupted in quiet giggles when he bumped into someone and nearly fell over. His face turned red as he apologized to the innocent bystander and then the second bell rang and we both ran to our classes though in opposite directions. I was late to class, but finally being at school wasn’t unbearable.

  We soon fell into a pattern. Meet at our lockers in the mornings, eat lunch together, and by the end of that week he was giving me rides to and from school which Mom wasn’t thrilled about, but it did help her out some so she didn’t complain more than a scowl.

  In the afternoons, we met in the woods, but after a few meetings I disclosed to him that the woods gave me the creeps. I kept having flash backs to the night I was attacked. He figured out a way for us to be together without me breaking any of Mom’s rules. He bought a canoe and he would row over and pick me up at my dock and then row out into the center of the pond about where we decided the perimeters were; and we would anchor ourselves in the water; and sit in the canoe and talk or do homework or fish or read whatever as long as we were together. Mom never knew anyway and I bribed my brothers to refrain from tattling. I didn’t think it was an issue of being grounded. I was fairly sure she had probably forgot I was still grounded, but that she had kind of warned me about seeing Reign and I didn’t want to deal with her disapproval so I kept it a secret as best I could and as much fun as
it was to joke about me remaining on my property I was ready to break free and go on a real date in town with him and I knew he was probably ready to take me up on that though he was still shy and timid around me.

  He talked a lot which I attributed to a nervous habit along with the way he constantly ran his hand through his hair or bit his lip when he watched me and the way he would often break away and look elsewhere when I would stare back at him. The more nervous I made him, the more my confidence grew and so I found myself being the one to make the first move like I did when I reached for his hand during our picnic. I suggested we go out on a date in town which he eagerly took me up on. The one move I promised myself I wouldn’t make first was our first kiss. I wanted him to sweep me off my feet at the perfect moment and I’d wait for it.

  So after talking with Mom she agreed I was no longer grounded, but she didn’t let up on the curfew. Because of my strange sickness that kept occurring, she thought it best if I be home early before dark. This put a time limit on our date which I wasn’t thrilled about, but when I told Reign he said, with a smile, that he’d make it work.

  I didn’t have to wait long for a date because after school on the Friday of homecoming, he took my hand as we left the building and walked toward his truck. He had a surprise. I was excited and barely noticed the cheerleaders ahead of us talking loudly about the dance that night that I would not be attending even though Reign had asked me. I told him it was mainly because of my curfew, but actually I didn’t care to go to the dance or waste my Friday night among that crowd of people.

  Once I buckled myself into the passenger seat, he handed me a black bandanna to cover my eyes with. Laughing, I did as instructed. I had lived in Petoskey my whole life. There wasn’t really anything that could surprise me even with my eyes shut, but the gesture was sweet and he seemed so proud of himself for whatever he had planned. Once I realized it was a date and we weren’t going in the direction of home, my heart dropped a little just because I had fantasized an ideal outing in my mind. One where I had an outfit planned and was picked up at my house, not one where I was still in my school outfit: converse, frayed jeans, and a blue sweatshirt. My hair was pulled back in a sloppy bun and I hadn’t bothered putting on makeup that morning because I wanted ten minutes of extra sleep instead. I could only imagine how I looked and for our first real date too.

  “What?” he asked me as he turned down the music.

  “I can’t see anything,” I said.

  I could feel the truck come to a bumpy stop and then I heard him change the gear into park then the door opened and shut and I was alone in the cab for a few seconds until a burst of cold air flooded over me as the door next to me opened.

  “We’re here,” he said as he slipped the bandanna off my head then smoothed my hair back for me.

  I opened my eyes and saw the familiar pink and purple striped sign of the frozen yogurt café. He held out his hand and taking hold of it I jumped from the truck, laughing. It was a good surprise. He led us into the empty café where a perky college student wearing a white smock took our order. After he paid, I led him back outside. I didn’t want to sit in the café at a wobbly table because I preferred a more private and intimate setting. We walked a little ways up the block until we came to a stop at a little black iron bench. Literally, no one was around. Not even a car driving down the street. The whole town was at the homecoming game, most likely.

  It was a sunny fall day and from where we sat we could see the lake across the street from us. After the game the main restaurants down town would fill up with groups of students going to the dance, but at the moment there was a peaceful, restlessness that settled in the streets and wrapped around us in a tight hold.

  He reached over and took a bite of my frozen yogurt. I playfully scolded him, but our laughter was abruptly interrupted by a phone call which he apologized for taking. He walked a little away from the bench and turned his back to me so that I couldn’t hear. I wasn’t trying to listen, but I wish I had because when he returned his demeanor had changed. He sat straight and rigid, and then leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. He had an insolent look in his eye and grew silent as he stared at me.

  “Everything okay?” I finally asked after moments of tense awkwardness.

  “Yeah,” He snapped but then releasing a deep sigh he shook his head in his hands and said, “I’m sorry. It’s my dad.”

  I paid attention to my neon pink plastic spoon, licking it carefully as I waited silently for him to explain.

  “He wants to take me hunting, but I’ve told him a million times I don’t want to hunt. I don’t want to learn tracking or how to make bullets or any of that,” he said.

  “Maybe he just wants to spend time with you,” I said.

  He wasn’t looking at me anymore instead his head was turned to the right and his eyes were focused on the rocking waves of the lake near us. He mumbled, “No, it’s not that,” but he said it in such a tone that I picked up that it was something between them that I not only wouldn’t understand, but couldn’t.

  “Let’s walk,” I said, standing. I tossed my empty bowl of gelato into the metal trash bin behind me then walked around the iron bench and reached for his hand. I pulled him into a standing position and together we walked up the sidewalk into the center of downtown and along a cement path toward the white wooden gazebo garnished in beautiful fall lowers.

  We sat on a wooden bench in the gazebo and listened to the marching band in the distance practice the school’s fight song. The air was growing a little colder. I knew that meant we’d have to leave soon to get me home in time for curfew. There was still a calmness in the atmosphere and I realized it was due to the perception that he and I were completely alone. It felt as if we were the only two people in the whole town, in all of existence. I scooted closer to him on the bench and looking up at him I leaned a little closer hoping he would see what I saw about that moment. It was the perfect moment to pull me closer to him and kiss me for the first time. I leaned closer, but he turned his head away and groaned. Completely oblivious, he stood and walked to the steps of the gazebo where he placed his hand on the railing as he leaned against it for support and hung his head.

  “There’s something else,” he said with regret.

  The perfect afternoon was slipping away. The bands out of tune wail increased as did the dark clouds in the gloomy sky while the air turned icy and left damp kisses on my pink face. My heart sank and my blood ran cold.

  “What,” I found myself finally saying after what felt like a long time of tense silence.

  He turned back toward me and crossed his arms all the warmth from his face was gone. I was near tears and unsure if I would be able to prevent my eyes from watering. He hadn’t said anything to give me any indication of crying, but the look in his eyes was enough to break my heart and I was certain that was what he was planning on doing.

  “My dad, he doesn’t really support this,” Reign said, pointing at me then him in one sweep of his hand which ended in his golden hair as he nervously ran his fingers over his head.

  “Oh,” I said, quietly as the air sucked out of me. I didn’t understand. Didn’t support us? Well first I was delighted to hear that there was an “us”, but then I was hurt and confused. I had never met his dad.

  I forced myself to stand from the cold, splintered bench though I felt stuck to it. As if my limbs were made of lead, I slowly picked up my feet and walked forward. I came to a stop next to him and instead of reaching for his hand I shoved my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt.

  “It’s getting dark,” I said and walked past him down the steps of the gazebo and toward the truck. I continued walking a little ahead of him.

  “Mickey,” he called to me from behind.

  I turned and walked backward. “My mom will be mad if I’m not home soon,” I said with a forced smile.

  I was silent on the drive home. Most of the ride I spent staring into my cellphone while he glanced back and forth between me an
d the road. When he turned down the music to say something, I turned it back up to silence him. I didn’t want to talk. What was the point? I just wanted to be home.

  When we turned down the dirt road that would take us to the lane that led to my house, he turned off the radio all together.

  “Mickey—“

  I immediately pressed my phone to my ear and pretended that Mom was calling. I had a fake conversation until the truck came to a stop in front of my house. My heart was crumbling as I was certain he had just broken up with me, if that was possible we weren’t exactly official yet, and my emotions were so heightened at the moment that my main goal was to get into the house and alone where I could break down into a mess of tears that were waiting to be released, but I knew if he tried to talk to me I would break down sooner. I made my departure from the truck as fast as possible.

  “Thanks for the frozen yogurt. I’ll see you at school sometime,” I mumbled and then threw open the red door and jumping to the hard ground, I quickly walked toward the front of my house. I was so concentrated on not crying that I didn’t hear him get out of the truck and run up behind me. He grabbed on to my elbow to stop me.

  I came to a stop and faced him, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. I stared at a wet yellow leaf under his muddy brown boot. “What?” I asked.

  “Are you mad? I mean I get why you are, but don’t be mad,” he said with concern.

  “You broke up with me,” I said, my voice cracked.

  “No, I didn’t. I didn’t,” he said with imploring urgency. “My dad just told me to be careful around you.”