Memoirs of a Girl Wolf

by Lawrence, Xandra

  “Mom,” I said, in an angry, bitter tone so that when she turned her head and saw me glaring at her she knew that I knew and that I only wanted one thing: to know more.

  The phone dropped from her hold as she stared at me with her lips parted in surprise then an anxious look flashed across her face. She said a quick goodbye into the phone, citing my name and then placed it down on the desk in front of her. She sat staring at me for a couple seconds with her blue eyes darting across my angry face and posture. Brushing bangs away from her forehead, she cleared her throat and stood.

  “How was school?” she asked, walking with open arms told me.

  I couldn’t contain them any longer. All day I had fought to keep my emotions in check, but with her in front of me and trying to embrace me into a hug I could not control my tears and suddenly they spilled from my eyes and rolled down my flushed cheeks as I tried to find my voice to tell Mom everything I wanted to, but all that came out was a sad, angry whimper.

  After aggressively wiping my cheeks with my hands and pushing mom’s arms away as she tried to comfort me, I sucked in a gulp of air and said, “I know.”

  “You know what?” Mom asked with a forced smile.

  “I know everything.”

  “Huh?” Mom continued her façade.

  “You were just talking to Viktor. I heard you and you were talking about me. That I’m a-a wolf. You lock me up at night in the attic and you put chains on me and you leave me in that smelly room all night . . .” I broke down into sobs again. I hated that I was crying and this made me cry harder.

  Mom didn’t break eye contact with me as she stepped backward until she fell into the couch in front of her bed. She cried also, but not as dramatically as I was.

  “I don’t . . .” She struggled with words. I imagined her thoughts were going as rapidly through her mind as mine were. “How did you . . . I mean . . . daddy and . . .” She leaned over in frustration and grabbed her head in her hands before taking a deep sigh and patting the cushion next to her on the couch prompting me to sit beside her.

  I didn’t. I didn’t want to be near her. I had managed to stop crying. I didn’t want to appear so weak and vulnerable not even in front of Mom. I breathed deeply through my nose and lifting my head, pulling back my shoulders, and straightening my spine I walked over to the couch, but instead of sitting next to her like she expected I sat on the arm of the couch as far away from her as possible.

  “Okay, fair enough,” Mom said as she watched me cross my arms and glare at her. “We should talk, I suppose.”

  “I want to know,” I replied.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “From the beginning. I deserve to know what’s happening to me.”

  Mom rubbed her lips together and cleared her throat before starting, “There is a gene dominant on daddy’s side that has been passed down through generations. I honestly don’t know the very beginning that is something daddy will have to tell you. You, like your father, and your grandmother are Morphics.”

  “Mor-what?” I interrupted.

  Mom held up her hand. She wasn’t in the mood for my commentary. “The ability to change between a human, such as you are in at this moment, and an animal. In our family this animal is a wolf. The gene is dormant until the sixteenth year of life when your body is mature enough to handle the transformation. Right now, with you being a new wolf, your transformation is controlled by the moon and so every night I give you tea which puts you to sleep and then I carry you upstairs to the attic where I lock you in a little room until morning. Then in the morning I carry you back to bed and tuck you in. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to do, Mickey. I don’t know how to control you. I have been trying for years to find a cure to find a way to eradicate the gene from your DNA. I have traveled all over the world and brought you a drug from almost every continent and then on your sixteenth birthday when you didn’t come home and you said you blacked out I knew that all that tea and all my travels did nothing, so I resorted to . . .”

  “Drugging and chaining me up at night? Why not tell me, Mom. You’ve been lying to me.”

  “I want you to be normal, Mickey. I don’t want you to have to deal with this. I was protecting you.”

  “From what?”

  “That lifestyle. Wolves, honey, they don’t live long. It’s dangerous. Daddy is constantly moving around. He can’t come home. I don’t want that for you. I want you to only have to worry about whether or not you’re going to make cheerleading or I don’t know the football game this weekend. I want you to be safe and here with your family not out there always moving and alone.”

  Mom reached for my hand and because I could feel how genuinely concerned she was for me and how much she really believed her actions only came from a place of love, I let her take hold of my hand and pull me on to the couch. She hugged me, tightly.

  “You shot me one night. I remember. You said I dreamed that but I didn’t. You shot me,” I said.

  Mom nodded. “A tranquilizer. I keep it in the attic just in case. That surprised me that night because the moon wasn’t even out, and then talking to daddy he said that I’m confused about everything how it works. I don’t know. I thought I was doing a good job.”

  “Am I dangerous?” I asked. This is what had been bugging me the most. Why was I chained and locked up and shot with tranquilizers.

  “When you change you’re an animal twice my size and you aren’t conscious as a wolf. That’s why you can’t remember when you wake up in the morning.”

  My black outs and headaches; now I understood. But I was still disturbed by Mom’s actions the past months. There was just something not right. If this gene was dominant in my family then surely they had learned how to control themselves in a wolf state and was that what Viktor had told Mom just now on the phone. That was why he sent Phoenix to help me.

  “I think I need to talk to Viktor’s friend again,” I said, standing from the couch. “I have to go find him. He may still be out in the woods.”

  Mom stopped me before I had a chance to leave the room. With my hand rested on the door handle I turned to look at her. She held up her finger indicating for me to wait and stood also from the couch. She walked over to the French doors and opening them she said in a soft tone, “Phoenix, you are welcome to come in now.”

  I walked up behind Mom and looked out on the deck half expecting to see him standing there as if he had been waiting out there ever since I last saw him but I didn’t see him anywhere on the deck or near the house. We both turned our heads when we heard a rustling in the woods and noticed a black wolf emerge, trotting toward the house. It jumped over the steps of the deck and landing in front of us was Phoenix with black jeans rolled up at the ankles and wearing the same blue shirt sloppily buttoned, standing in front of us.

  “About time because the majority of what she just told you is wrong,” he said as he walked past both of us into the dim bedroom.

  22

  He stood beside the couch with his arms crossed tightly in front of his chest. Staring at us down his long nose with his head slightly raised, he remained silent and waited for Mom to shut the French doors and for us to then resume sitting on the couch where we had sat moments before his arrival.

  An uncomfortable silence settled over us as we all waited for someone else to speak and then finally I cleared my throat and made introductions. “Mom this is Phoenix,” I mumbled.

  “I know. Viktor sent you?” Mom said, her voice raised a little when she mentions my father’s name. The name that always sounded harsh when I said aloud sounded soft and heartfelt when escaping from Mom’s pursued lips.

  Phoenix nodded. “Months ago actually.”

  “Why didn’t you talk to her sooner?” Mom asked. Her tone was becoming stricter as she breathed deeply with more confidence and her nervous, weary demeanor melted away as she stared this potential threat to my normalcy in the eyes without looking away.

  “I had to make sure and I’ll tell y
ou,” he laughed, annoyed, “it was hard at first. I couldn’t figure out what you were doing with her.”

  “Hey,” I said, loudly. I hated when people talked like I wasn’t in the room, but now their eyes rolled onto me and I felt nervous with their focused attention. “I’m right here,” I added.

  “Well, I’d prefer Viktor come himself,” Mom said, turning back to Phoenix.

  “You know he can’t,” Phoenix replied, giving mom a look that evidently communicated enough for her to nod her head in understanding. I sighed. More secrets.

  “But he sent a stranger,” Mom said.

  “I can be trusted. I’m loyal to him,” Phoenix said, firmly.

  “Why?” I asked, eager to know more about the man I owed this gene too.

  Mom turned her attention to the glass doors where she stared wearily at the sky. “It’s going to be dark soon,” she said.

  Phoenix shook his head. “Where should I start?” he asked, relaxing a little as the tension was dissipating between everyone.

  “The beginning,” I said.

  He cleared his throat and began, “Well, you’re a wolf. Our ancient ancestors were women-some believe we originated from Amazon warriors who when threatened became so overwhelmed with fury that they channeled their aggression into a wolf state. Others believe we originated from a woman who wronged by her lover who exchanged her soul for the body of a wolf to spend the rest of her life in the animalistic, savage state that her love had left her heart in. What is known for sure is that we originated from women. For some time the gene was only awakened in females, but over time with evolution and gene mutations the gene became dominant in both genders. There’s always a chance the gene won’t be passed down which is why before one is mentored it is necessary to make sure they need mentoring. That’s why I waited to confront you. Your mother seems to think she can control you by keeping you locked up this is not what we as wolves want. For many generations we have fought and worked toward the ability to have control over ourselves in both the human and animal state. Our ancestors did not have control. They were dangerous. We have a choice now. You can control this. Right now you are unpredictable, you experience black outs, but with my help you gain consciousness as a wolf. Once you gain consciousness, you can control your ability to transform at any moment you won’t be dictated by night or day.”

  “But Mom said whenever the moon is out . . .” I started to say.

  “No, no it has nothing to do with the moon. Right now you are at the beginning of your transformation. Right now you can only turn after the sun has set, but it’s not the moon that changes you, but your emotion. It goes back to our ancient ancestors when you are angered, when you experience a hint of fury, your body transforms.”

  Like the night of my birthday when Max made me so mad and I ran off into the woods and the night mom shot me with the tranquilizer gun, also Max’s doing, both times I had been overwhelmed with emotion. But that also meant Mom had been locking me for months and most of those nights I probably hadn’t even changed.

  “So I’ll just not get angry,” I said, shrugging.

  “Not that simple. You probably noticed you’re more emotional. A simple thing that annoys you normally could escalate quickly into rage. Your molecules are all messed up right now and spontaneous. Training, will help. I’m here to teach you.”

  “No, it’s too dangerous. I don’t like it,” Mom said. She turned to me and took my hand. “We have a fine routine. Don’t we? I keep you safe.”

  “Safe? You do realize as time moves forward she will get stronger and if she doesn’t learn to control it, her emotions will becomes more spontaneous. It’s more dangerous to do nothing,” Phoenix said, staring at Mom coldly.

  “Dangerous? Like how?” I asked. My stomach was tying in knots. I really did not like this conversation. I wanted Phoenix to leave and go back to the woods and I wanted to return to the life I thought I had up to yesterday.

  “Mickey, you could get lost,” Mom said.

  I looked to Phoenix for an explanation.

  He rubbed his upper arm as he lowered his head and voice to explain. His tone was heavier and darker and it scared me slightly. “Some can become trapped as a wolf. Morality becomes blurred. You forget what being human is like. You can’t distinguish between right and wrong. You lose your soul and return to an animalistic state. It’s nearly impossible to return from. You’ve probably experienced some changes that you’ve noticed. Your senses are heightened, your speed, your ability to heal, feel, your strength all this is because of the Morphic gene and with how great you may feel now just imagine that feeling times ten which is how you will feel in the right form, as a wolf. Some become addicted to this feeling and remain for too long in their animal state, but that’s all the more reason for you to learn how to control it.”

  “She’s not able. She’s not strong enough especially so new. What if on the first time she gains consciousness she can’t get out,” Mom said, almost pleading for him to understand.

  “Mom, it’s not your choice,” I said, repeating Viktor’s words. “It’s my body. It’s my burden.”

  Phoenix laughed. “It’s not a burden. It’s a gift. You come from a long line of powerful people and you’re a girl.”

  “So?” I said, taking some offense. Was he insulting me?

  “Female wolves are stronger in every way. They grow to be extremely powerful unlike us gene mutations,” Phoenix said patting his chest. “The gene was never meant for dudes, but biology,” he added, shrugging.

  Mom didn’t find anything about what he said funny. She communicated with her stare, just as cold as his moments before when he looked at her, that she wanted him to leave. He was messing up her plan, but I had to agree with him that Mom’s plan was never a very smart one. I knew she was only worried for me. I could feel her heart in my heart and it was overwhelming. I didn’t like this empath ability. It not only felt like I was invading personal boundaries, but also to feel someone else’s feelings as well as my own left me feeling dizzy and overwhelmed.

  Mom turned to me again. She pressed my hand in between her small, freckled hands. She looked at me with her watery blue eyes; blinking slowly to prevent herself from crying. Her eyebrows lowered as did the corners of her lips.

  “What’s your choice?” she asked, slowly.

  My voice caught in my throat. I don’t know, I thought. I had just made a big deal that it was my choice in order for Mom to stop talking, but I hadn’t given any thought during the conversation what I wanted my choice to be. What Phoenix had to say scared me, but what Mom was doing scared me too. Mom clearly wanted to keep doing things her way and she also did not like this stranger in black jeans, and blue shirt, and shaggy black hair, and deep green yellow eyes who swore he could be trusted. There was something so unfriendly and uninviting about him. He was cocky and rude to Mom, but when he talked to me his exterior melted a little, just a little, and when his eyes looked into mine I felt a pleading urgency about him, but why? Was he just really loyal to Viktor or did he want something from me? He seemed like a person who may be conning me for his benefit. I didn’t know him well enough yet, obviously, but there was something about him that made me keep my guard up, and I’m sure Mom saw it too which was why she did her best to protect me and keep me from him.

  “I have to think about it,” I said, finally.

  Mom breathed a grateful sigh while Phoenix spun around, groaning. Shaking his head he glared at Mom. “You are not capable of stopping this. Viktor won’t be happy, if I’m unsuccessful in training her,” he said.

  “You let me handle Viktor. It’s her choice and I’m close to finding a cure. I know I am. I’ll keep looking until I do find one, baby,” she said to me as she stroked the ends of my long hair.

  “A cure?” Phoenix said with disgust. “We’re not sick. It’s a disease or illness. It’s nothing that needs to be cured. This is just who we are. We were born this way. This is our destiny. You’re cheating her of her destiny, Erin.�
��

  “Mrs. White,” Mom corrected him. She stood from the couch and walked back over to the French doors where she opened the one on the right. “Good talking to you, Lynx.”

  “Phoenix,” he corrected her, walking past her. At the door, before walking out onto the deck he turned his toward me and snarled, “Enjoy your cage.”

  He disappeared from my view and Mom shut the door. I waited for her to lock the doors and turn back toward me before complaining, “Really, Mom? Did you have to mess up his name like that?”

  “What?”

  “You knew his name is Phoenix,” I said.

  “Oh, all right. He’ll get over it. Too bad he has such a sour personality. He’s cute, you know, he looks like John Stamos.”

  “Who?” I asked.

  “Uncle Jesse from “Full House”.”

  I shook my head, irritated. I never got Mom’s references. I started to leave the room, but Mom stopped me. She looked up at me with a serious expression on her round face.

  “Mickey, I truly am sorry. I love you and I only lock you in there because . . .”

  “I know, Mom. Do you talk to Viktor a lot?” The abrupt reveal of my father who had for so long been nothing more than a figment of a time long ago, a story, or myth even was odd for me. The fact that he and Mom still talked was odder. I felt overall just betrayed on so many levels. He had sent someone instead of coming himself for reasons Mom and Phoenix knew, but decided I couldn’t know, but at the same time I’m glad he sent someone in his place. I would rather, if I decide to be, trained by Phoenix than the man that was supposed to be my dad.

  “Not as much as I wish we could. I wish he could be a part of your life. I wish I could see him more than I get to” Mom’s soft voice rattled me from my thoughts.

  “See him?” I was floored. Mom didn’t just talk to him on the phone, but she had seen him since he left twelve years ago?

  “Well, when I go out of town for work sometimes I’m really meeting up with him. It’s too dangerous to bring you kids and I hate that—I hate that I can’t be with my husband and you can’t have a father the way you deserve to and that’s why I want you to be normal, so that you can go on to college, and marry, and have kids, and not ever have to feel the pangs and heart break of leaving your loved ones. Because it is hard on me and I know it’s tough for you kids even if you don’t remember him, but it’s just as hard for him to not be able to be with us,” Mom said, sighing.