Memoirs of a Girl Wolf

by Lawrence, Xandra

  I wanted to run forward and grab hold of him, but that wasn’t an option, not with how our last encounter ended, so I waited for him to stand and turn around and address me.

  “I’m laying traps for my dad,” he said. He was still on the ground and it took him a moment before standing and facing me.

  When he did, I almost fell over. I was so elated to see him there before me so close. He ran his hands through his golden hair and blinked a few times at me, frowning. He was still hurt. I didn’t need to sense his feelings to know. I could see it in his ember eyes the way he looked at me then looked away staring at a twisted branch of a tree above my head.

  “Where have you been?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Tracking.”

  “So you’re hunting now?” I asked, disappointed.

  “No, I just didn’t want to be here,” he said.

  I remained calm and blank faced with my hands folded behind my back as I stared at him, and this irritated him that I wasn’t responding to him in any emotional way. He expected me to fall on my knees and beg his forgiveness or to break down sobbing that he had left. He expected me to show any kind of human feeling other than the blinking statue I had become, but Phoenix had trained me so well and at the moment I was doing my best to remain calm.

  “There’s something I need to tell you,” I began.

  “You’re with him now?” he asked, turning slightly away from me

  “No, but it includes Phoenix. It’s difficult for me to say. I’m still coming to terms with it myself. There’s this thing in my family that I inherited from my dad’s side. A Morphic gene and this gene cause me—”

  “You’re a Morphic?” he asked, stepping away from me.

  “Yeah.”

  “My dad hunts Morphics.” Reign pointed to the trap behind him. “A Mophic wolf killed my mom.”

  So I was right. His dad was a Hunter and there was my solid proof, but I had always known hadn’t I? Since the first time he looked at me from across the pond and made my blood run cold. I’m sure Viktor had known as well and that’s why he didn’t like Orgon, but I didn’t want to admit it. I still didn’t want to admit it.

  “I’m a wolf,” I said.

  Reign grabbed his head in his hands and spun around as if he were in pain. “Are you responsible for—”

  “No!” I shouted. “No, I haven’t hurt anyone and neither has Phoenix.”

  “Phoenix is one too?” Reign asked.

  I nodded. “And you’re a hunter,” I said, slowly. Realizing with every word that our relationship had in fact met its end.

  “No, I’m not. I don’t want to be. That’s why Pap came back to convince me to start hunting, but I don’t want to,” he said. He walked toward me closing the space between us. He gently grabbed hold of me. “I don’t believe all Morphics are dangerous—Maude taught me that, and now I know it to be true because I’m in love with one?”

  He hugged me and we stood for some time holding one another with our feet in puddles of melting snow. I wanted to stay in his arms for the rest of the day, but more than that I wanted to believe that despite everything we had just learned about one another that we were going to be okay, but I knew if not in this moment, then sometime soon that I was going to have a make decision about him because his dad and Thrice were still very real threats and one day he would maybe become one too, but at least for the moment I could pretend we were okay.

  30

  I could blind myself to see only what I wanted to see. To see Reign as innocent as he believed himself to be. He truly thought he could deny his genetic makeup, but I knew better. I knew he would be able to as much as I was able to deny mine: not at all. His blood, his senses, were different. They were heightened and they were heightened to hunt me. As he grew older, this instinct would grow stronger and whether or not he could control the instinct was something neither of us were sure of. At first we pretended it didn’t change anything, but it did for me. I kept watching him, waiting for him to—I don’t know, pick up a gun and aim it at me? Then there was me. Would I attack him? I was still training. My emotions were still in charge and I knew him as a threat. Would I try to eliminate the threat in my wolf state? What if…I didn’t even want to think of it, but I knew I needed to protect him and the best way to protect him was to no longer see him at all.

  But I waited. We acted as normal as possible. We talked about prom and I ordered a dress from J Crew. He continued picking me up in the mornings and taking me home in the afternoons. We avoided talking about where I went at night. We didn’t talk about his dad and we didn’t talk about Phoenix. It was a silent agreement between both of us. We slipped into a horrible phase that was ordinary and limiting. We were scared to converse about anything related to animals or hunting, and we were embarrassed when one of us slipped one of the taboo topics into conversation.

  Then on a morning in the middle of March it became clear to me that I couldn’t put off breaking up with him any longer. He was leaning against his locker waiting for me to pack my bag for the night. School had just let out and the hallway was obnoxiously loud and filled with excited teenagers that it was Friday.

  I saw Kristen walking down the hallway with Max’s arm draped around her shoulder. She walking, hugging her books tightly to her chest and looking up at Max with wide, naïve eyes as he mumbled something to her out of the corner of his mouth. The sight made me mad. Slamming my locker shut, and startling Reign who jumped and gave me a confused, but concerned look, I told him to wait for a second and I jogged down the hallway after Kristen.

  “Hey,” I said, grabbing her elbow.

  Max and Kristen spun around, and when he noticed it was me he hugged Kristen tighter to his body. Kristen winced, but her eyes lit up when she looked at me, and then the flame died into a dead stare as she noticed Sydney at her locker a few feet from us.

  “Were busy,” Max said.

  I glared up at him and when I did he removed his arm from Kristen and backed up.

  “I’m kind of thirsty,” he said, whirling around to find the nearest drinking fountain.

  Once he was gone, I pulled Kristen closer and lowered my voice because I knew Sydney was trying her hardest to listen. “You’re going out with him or something?” I asked.

  Kristen flipped her hair and stood straighter. “Yeah,” she said, proudly.

  “Don’t. He’s a jerk.”

  “You had your chance. You’re just jealous,” she snapped.

  Stepping back, I examined my old friend. Her dark, designer jeans were tucked into brown Uggs a shoe she once made fun of. Her make up application had improved. I guessed she had upgraded from drugstore products because her face look airbrushed and her eyebrows were waxed and groomed. Her hair was highlighted blonde and cut in a trendy shaggy shoulder length bob. He lips were outlined in a nude shade and glossy.

  “Congratulations,” I said.

  “On what?”

  “You have become exactly what you always wanted to be,” I said.

  “We both wanted this, Mickey. It’s not my fault you lost it the first week,” she said.

  “You know, there is just more to life than dating Max Fender and getting manicures with Sydney, Kristen,” I said.

  “Kristy,” she corrected me, and walked down the hall away from me. She stopped at the drinking fountain where Max was still quenching his thirst and then together they left the school.

  Reign approached me. “Are you sure yall were once friends?”

  I nodded, frowning as I stood staring after her. “We still are and I’ll just have to wait until she remembers it.”

  He touched me, distracting my attention, and I looked down as he took hold of my hand. I noticed his fingers and palm were a faded silver color.

  Holding his hand up in front of his face I asked, “What’s this? Are you in art?”

  He rubbed his fingers together. “Ah no, I’m making bullets for my dad. It’s from that silver residue we use for the bullet,” he said.

 
; At first neither of us fully heard what he said. I nodded, thinking that it was completely normal for him to help out with his dad’s business, but then both of us started thinking about his comment. The bullet he made for his dad had a special, fatal silver compound, and that bullet was meant specifically for me.

  An uncomfortable silence settled between us. We fought through it as best we could by grabbing each other’s hand, but our hold was too tight. It was too late. The reality of the situation found us and I knew as we walked down the hallway and out of the school where we were welcomed by a warm spring breeze that I could not pretend anymore. I had to break up with him.

  He knew it was coming. The drive home he talked about prom and his plans for us, and I nodded my head, but stared out the window until he came to a stop in front of my house. He put the truck in park and turned toward me.

  “Reign,” I said, slowly. I couldn’t face him. I kept my eyes focused on the front door.

  “Have you heard from your mom?” he asked, quickly.

  “Reign,” I tried again.

  “And your brothers? How are they? We could go visit them next weekend.”

  “Reign, stop talking,” I said and continued, “We can’t—it’s just not safe to be together.”

  “That’s ridiculous, stop. It’s not a big deal. I’m fine with it. I love the movie Teen Wolf,” he said, and then pulling up his sleeve he held his arm in front of me and instructed me to bite him.

  “It doesn’t work like that. I inherited this just like whether you like it or not you inherited being a Hunter. It’s not safe,” I said, calmly.

  He gripped the steering wheel and shook it. His face turned red and his eyes watered. “How are you not more upset about this?”

  “I am upset,” I said.

  “You’ve turned into him.”

  “You don’t understand,” I said and wasn’t that more proof why we could no longer be together. We didn’t understand one another and we couldn’t. We were dived and there was a part of him, though he was doing his best to hide it that was afraid of me. I had felt that part ever since he found out I was a wolf and I knew fear could be dangerous and fatal.

  I was done talking there wasn’t anything more to say. I got out of the truck. Jumped to the ground and walked toward the door of my house. I tried my best to keep my head up and to just get inside the house without turning back. Somehow I managed. Once inside the dark house, I shut the door behind me and leaned against it breathing heavy. I slid to the ground and hugged my knees to my chest.

  It had to be done.

  The next morning I had just stepped out of the shower when I heard a rapid knocking. Quickly, I pulled on my pajamas and ran down the stairs with a yellow towel still covering my hair.

  I wasn’t sure who it could be. Phoenix wouldn’t knock and neither would Reign. I hadn’t had a visitor in months, so I was completely surprised when I opened the door and found Kristen on my front porch. Her face was streaked with black mascara and her eyes were a puffy red. She wore the same outfit she had had on the day before at school.

  When she saw me she nervously tucked her hair behind her ears and bowed her head then crossing her arms she said, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

  Taking a step back and opening the door wider, I let her inside.

  After entering the house, she walked into the living room and came to a stop in front of the couch. She stood with her arms still tightly crossed and her shoulder raised as she waited for me to instruct her to sit which she did; dramatically falling on top of the cushions and covering her face with one of Mom’s new pillows. I gently took the pillow away from her, concerned her make up may leave black smudges on the pink fabric and I didn’t think Mom could handle another pillow loss.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting next to her after I set the pillow on the wing back chair across from the couch.

  “You were right,” she said.

  “About Max?” I asked, concerned.

  Kristen threw her hands up in the air and sighed heavily. “About everything,” she said, lowering her gaze she added, “Especially Max. I’m done with living that life. I hate popularity and I really miss you.”

  This was what I had wanted for so long. For Kristen to return and apologize. For us to be friends again and it was happening, but at the moment I was concentrated on one thing she had said, “What about Max? Did he hurt you?” I said. A quiet growl rolled in my throat which I tried to hide with a loud cough.

  “No, he didn’t hurt me. A bunch of us went camping last night and he wanted to go on a walk and I thought he really liked me, that’s what Sydney told me, but once we were away from everyone he said to me, “I got into University of Michigan, but here’s the thing, I don’t want to go to a virgin.””

  “Was he propositioning you?”

  “Yeah, or I think so, but I told him NO and then he got touchy and I shoved him and ran away back to the camp site. When I tried to tell Sydney she had no sympathy. Basically, she said I was an idiot,” Kristen said, her bottom lip trembled. “When I woke up this morning they had all left me.”

  Scooting closer to her, I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. “How’d you get here?” I asked.

  “Your boyfriend saw me walking and dropped me off. Is that okay?”

  I nodded my head, and reassured her she could spend the day and night with me. I didn’t feel it necessary to correct her right then that Reign was no longer my boyfriend maybe I didn’t want to say it out loud. We had only just broken up the day before at least I had Kristen back and my attention shifted to her entirely. I pulled her up from the couch and walked with her up to my bedroom where I gave her a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and a large green Spartan’s t-shirt to change into. As she changed, I warmed a wash cloth and lathered it in face soap, and then siting her on my bed, I rubbed the wash cloth over her face and did my best to wipe her soft skin free of the dried, streaked makeup.

  It was still early in the morning. I had only just arrived back from Phoenix’s an hour or so before. The sun was a golden pink as it rose and expanded in the blue, spring sky. I tucked my friend into my bed and immediately she curled on her side and fell into a deep sleep, so I left her alone in my room and went back down stairs to fix myself some breakfast.

  Because it was going to be a warmer day, I had hoped warm enough to melt more snow, I opened the little window above the sink and listened to the quiet sounds of the woods as I flipped pancakes at the stove. But the sounds of chirping birds flying back from a winter in the south and settling among the trees were replaced with loud sounds of guns firing and traps snapping. The sounds, though soft, jerked my attention away from the round pancake I flipped. I peered out the window into the woods. The branches quivered with the wind, but the woods looked the same as always: serene and sublime. However, I recognized the sounds and I recognized the voices that accompanied the sounds. Walking out of the kitchen, I went to the back door and noticed the white house across from me where a couple cars I didn’t recognize were parked behind the black and red trucks that belonged to father and son. Men in camouflage vests, tan pants, brown boots, and orange hats stood in the yard talking, laughing, and shooting their guns into the water.

  Orgon came out of the house and called to them, quieting the group. He said something to them and then marched into the woods with the rest following, and to my surprise, Reign was one of the men in orange hats carrying a gun and disappearing into the trees behind his father. I knew they were tracking the wolf, setting more traps, and I knew with how experienced Orgon was, he was close to catching the animal, but I couldn’t shake the image of Reign out there in the woods behind my house hunting one of my kind and that only put him one notch closer to my biggest fear: that he would start hunting me.

  An hour after dark, Phoenix showed up at the French doors on the back deck. Because Kristen was staying the night with me, there was no way I was going to leave her to spend the night in the Upper Peninsula and I di
dn’t have a way to tell Phoenix, so I thought he’d figure it out for himself, but my absence only communicated to him that something fatal had happened to me. When he appeared on the back deck with his face pressed against the door looking in at me and Kristen as we sat painting our nails on Mom’s couch in her bedroom, his face turned from worry to relief to anger all within one minute.

  Kristen noticed him and screamed. I stood, telling her to quiet. I assured her that he was a friend. I walked over to the doors which I unlocked and pushed open for him, but instead of him entering the room, he pulled me outside onto the deck.

  “Hey, watch it. My nails are still wet,” I said, frowning as I examined the hot pink paint on my right index finger nail.

  He sputtered a couple words, clearly too upset to be able to verbalize what he wanted to say. He spun around pointing at me then behind him as his jaw tensed, and then finally he came to a stop. He breathed in and out threw his nose, and folding his hands together, he looked at me calmly and said, “What are you doing here?”

  “I live here,” I joked.

  “I thought something happened to you.”

  “Nope. I’m just having a girls night with my friend,” I said, pointing at Kristen who sat staring at us.

  “You can’t have a girls night.”

  “Well, I am. You said yourself I needed more friends. Now, I have two. You and her.”

  “We’re not friends,” he said, crossing his arms.

  “Come on. You can hang out with us tonight. You are officially one of the girls.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. Kristen sat up a little straighter as she waited for me to make introductions. “Kristen this is Phoenix.”

  Kristen’s lips pulled back into a flirtatious smile. She slanted her eyes down then back at Phoenix who acted as if he could care less. Once Kristen realized Phoenix was oblivious to her, she went back to painting her nails and only addressed me. I started to worry that maybe I shouldn’t have invited Phoenix to stay, but I grabbed his hand and made him sit with us on the couch, and then reaching for the remote I turned on the television.