This Point Forward

by Katrina Abbott

  We didn’t say anything more, but it didn’t matter. We both knew. We were both comforted and we weren’t alone.

  I watched the snowflakes fall and I knew he was doing the same, until eventually, we both drifted off to sleep.

  ~ ♥ ~

  When my eyes opened in the morning, he was gone, which was surprising because I thought for sure I would have woken up when he left. I was also a little disappointed that he’d left without saying goodbye.

  I rolled over and smelled him on the other side of my pillow, a heady reminder that it hadn’t been a dream. I thought about everything he’d told me as I padded to the bathroom and felt heavy with the knowledge of what he’d gone through. I just hoped he felt lighter for having told me.

  As I turned the light on, I found the note he’d left:

  Emmy, I didn’t want to wake you because you looked so peaceful. I’m sorry about last night. I hope you can forgive me.

  Danny

  Forgive him? For what? I used the bathroom and then went out to call him, but realized I didn’t have his number. I sure wasn’t about to try to figure out how to call the dean’s cottage, so I got dressed and went down to the kitchen to see if I might run into him there.

  Christmas Day

  I didn’t realize how late I’d slept, but it was mid-morning by the time I made it down to the kitchen.

  Anna served me a cinnamon roll that was warm from the oven and a coffee and wished me a Merry Christmas. I thanked her and asked her if she’d seen Danny, giving her some lame excuse about how I had stuffed one of his Christmas cards in my purse at the party the night before and wanted to give it back to him.

  She smiled politely as though she believed me and said he’d come and gone over an hour before, but he’d mentioned he’d be painting at the dean’s cottage all day. Suddenly feeling shy about the night before, I said I didn’t want to interrupt him, but Anna suggested I bring the card to dinner at three and that even though they were Jewish, she and Doreen had a nice Christmas meal planned for us.

  Not able to refuse their invitation, I thanked her and assured her I’d be there.

  ~ ♥ ~

  After my breakfast, I returned to my dorm to go online and wish my parents a Merry Christmas. I was kind of dreading it, but figured they’d probably already tried to contact me. Sure enough, when I opened my computer, there was a video message from them they’d sent from the ship, complete with air-kisses and many ‘miss you’s and ‘love you’s. I didn’t have it in me to send them a video message back, but took a smiling selfie and Photoshopped a Santa hat on it before sending it to them.

  I doubted they’d notice my smile was fake.

  I picked up my phone and turned it on. The texts filtered in, making my phone sound like a slot machine with all the successive bells going off.

  I started with the text from Chelly. It seemed the Santa-hat selfie was a thing, because she’d sent me one, too, though hers had a lot more cleavage showing than the one I’d sent to my parents. I laughed at it and sent her one back, pulling my shirt down and bending forward to do it. It wasn’t exactly obscene, especially with my almost non-existent cleavage, but I knew it would make her laugh, too.

  There were several texts from Rob, which made me mad all over again, but... I exhaled, reminding myself it was Christmas and not the time to be mad at people.

  I skipped the ones he’d sent the day he left and went right for today’s: Happy Christmas, M. Open your e-mail. Unless you hate me, then PLEASE open your e-mail.

  I was still mad, but he did make me smile, so I opened up my Rosewood e-mail and saw a note from him. I took a deep breath and clicked it open.

  To: emmeline.somerville@ the-rosewood-academy.com

  From: robert.prescott@the-rosewood-academy.com

  Subject: It’s Christmas – please forgive me

  Message: Emmie, if you are reading this then thank you for not hating me so much that you instantly deleted it. I’m so, so sorry about what happened. I’ve sent you a bunch of texts, but I’m sure you’ve deleted them and you have every right to be upset with me for deceiving you that way. I never should have arranged for that phone and pretended to be Brooklyn. That was really stupid and insensitive. If it makes you feel better (I’m sure it won’t) I never had any intention of it going as far as it did with you and I thought it would just be you giving her updates about school. I even blew Dave off so I wouldn’t have to deal with that awkwardness, which means I owe him an apology, too...

  I stopped reading, closing my eyes as I was reminded that this wasn’t just about me. “Oh poor Dave,” I said aloud, feeling bad for him now, too. Should I tell him about Brooklyn? What could I even tell him? I didn’t know anything other than she was in hiding. Maybe. I took a deep breath and returned to the message.

  “...just know that I do like you and I’ll understand if you do hate me forever, but don’t hold this against Brooklyn. She’s in a safe place right now and I’m sure she does want to talk to you, but even I can’t get a hold of her, so it’s not possible to connect you with her just yet. I hope that changes soon, but until then, you’ll have to trust me when I say that she’s innocent in all of this and she absolutely didn’t want to leave Rosewood. As a token of my sincerest apologies, attached are my gifts to you. The first is a detailed analysis of your ecommerce site and how best to optimize your software. I’ve also created a new matrix for it that I think will solve those problems we talked about. I’m sure you’ll have no problem installing the updates and wish you the best with it. And the second thing is the Christmas card I made for you. It seems stupid now, but I did it the morning before we had brunch, before you hated my guts. I hope it makes you smile and that one day you can forgive me. This e-mail address will be deactivated by the new year, but I’ll have my phone for a while, so you can text me at my number. I’ll be off the grid a bit, so I may not get back to you right away, but I’ll see the message. The phone I used for Brooklyn has already been disconnected.

  Once again, I’m really sorry, M. I really wish things could have been different.

  Merry Christmas

  Rob

  I took a few deep breaths before I opened the second picture file.

  Which I couldn’t help but smile at. Then I laughed. Like really laughed.

  Rob had Photoshopped his head on Colin Firth’s body in a still from Pride and Prejudice. He’d even added a thought bubble that said, “I’m the sexiest man alive!”

  It was hard to stay mad at a guy who made a badly Photoshopped poster for me. And fixed my website problems.

  I sighed. I just really wished I knew what had happened and could see Brooklyn with my own eyes to make sure she was okay. But I guess at this point, it was time to forgive him and take his apology at face value. Time to let it go.

  I opened a text from my phone. You’re forgiven. Thanks for the gifts. Merry Christmas.

  As soon as I hit send, I felt a thousand times lighter.

  ~ ♥ ~

  Dinner was awkward.

  One orphaned student, one actual orphan with tattoos and two middle-aged Jewish ladies along with a few assorted staff members sitting in a giant dining room that normally held hundreds. It was eerie, though I did appreciate the effort Anna and Doreen had made. They’d set up a small table by the big fireplace where someone had laid a roaring fire.

  Anna stood up and made a toast, thanking everyone for attending our little dinner party as though we’d all chosen to be there. I looked at Danny and he gave me a shy smile. I hadn’t gotten him alone yet to ask him about his note, but knew after dinner, I’d have time to chat with him.

  Jerry, the stable manager, said grace and we all dug into the food. For some reason, having Danny there made it not as lonely as I would have expected. And I suspected he felt the same way.

  We stuffed ourselves on all the delicious food and everyone helped clean up after dessert. A few people lingered at the table over coffee, but I couldn’t sit there any longer after such a big meal.
>
  “I need to take a walk,” I announced to no one in particular, though I did half hope that someone in particular would hear me and join me.

  He did. “Me, too,” Danny said, patting his suddenly distended belly. “That was so good, but I think you’re going to have to roll me out of here.”

  “After you roll me,” I said, sticking my belly out as far as I could.

  We left the dining room side by side and I looked out through the big French doors into the snow-covered courtyard. “Looks cold,” I said, not really feeling like going up for a coat.

  “We could just do a few laps of the building,” he suggested.

  I nodded. “That sounds like a plan.”

  We walked down the main hall, our footsteps echoing off the marble floors and high ceilings the only sounds.

  “About that note,” I said, when I was sure we were far enough away from the dining room that no one else would be around.

  I noticed him go tense beside me, but I continued when he didn’t say anything. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  He stayed quiet until I stopped walking and turned to look up at him. “Danny? Why did you say you were sorry?”

  He dropped his eyes. “For showing up. For kissing you. For telling you all that. For losing it. For...everything.” he shook his head.

  “If I remember correctly, I kissed you. And I wanted you to tell me,” I said. “You have no reason to be sorry or embarrassed for losing it. What happened to you is horrible and if you didn’t lose it when talking about it, I would worry you weren’t human.”

  He nodded, but didn’t look convinced.

  “Maybe you could use to talk to someone,” I suggested.

  His entire body went rigid. “Like a shrink.” He said angrily. It wasn’t a question, either, making me realize I’d just stepped over a line.

  “I...just maybe to help with...”

  He put up a palm, interrupting me. “I don’t need fixing.”

  “I never said that. I just thought maybe you could...”

  His eyes narrowed and I snapped my mouth shut on my words.

  “Oh this is rich,” he said. “The girl who can’t sleep when she’s alone is talking to me about counseling. I’ll tell you what, princess, I’m not one of your charity projects. Leave me the hell alone.”

  As I stood there, slack-jawed and trying my hardest not to cry, he turned on his heel and walked away.

  Thankfully, There Is No Painting Reality Show

  I watched more rom-coms, though I wasn’t watching them as much as I was staring blankly at the TV in the lounge while I tried to figure out how to fix things with Danny. I hadn’t meant to intrude and had just tried to help, but maybe I did overstep. No, there was no maybe about it. He was obviously feeling vulnerable after telling me his story and I’d told him he needed a shrink when his reaction had definitely been within the bounds of normal. Clearly I was the one who needed a shrink. I realized in the end I was going to have to beg his forgiveness, and the best way I could figure to do that was to hang out at the gym and just wait for him.

  I guess I could have hung out outside the dean’s cottage, or even could have knocked on her door, which was probably the best and most direct course of action. But to be honest, I was scared. Not that he’d hurt me, but that I’d messed up really badly. He was probably going to yell at me.

  I told myself not to be a chicken, and myself did agree to go find him tomorrow, but the gym seemed like the most neutral ground. Plus, after that meal and all the junk I’d been eating, the gym wasn’t a bad idea.

  By ten-thirty I was bored of watching movies by myself and remembered Rob’s e-mail with the new website matrix, so I figured it was as good a time as any to go get started on that. I shoved my feet into my slippers and shuffled down the hall to my room. Being that I was pretty much the only one in the building, I’d propped my dorm room door open, so when I stepped inside to see someone sitting on my desk chair, I couldn’t help the shriek that came out of my mouth.

  I did manage to cut it short when I realized who it was, but my heart still thumped hard, like it was trying to get out and smack the intruder. “Danny!” I said, pressing my palm to my chest. “What are you doing here?”

  He shrugged. “Apologizing?”

  “By giving me a heart attack?”

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He stood up and stepped toward me until he was close. Really close. “I was a jerk earlier and wanted to say I was sorry for what I said.”

  I shook my head. “I wanted to apologize to you. I shouldn’t have pushed like that. You...you told me a really hard thing and I don’t know why I said...”

  “It’s okay. I don’t know why I said what I did, either.”

  I laughed humorlessly. “About my issues? Uh, because it’s true?”

  “Even if it is, it wasn’t right to lash out like that. I...” he looked over my shoulder, but wasn’t focused on anything. “I just feel like I keep messing things up with you.”

  That made me really laugh. “You think you’ve messed things up with me? Have you forgotten I called the cops on you?”

  He shrugged like it was no big deal. “You were right to assume I’m a criminal.”

  This again. I put my hand flat on his chest, over his heart. “Danny. You are not a criminal.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  I pushed him, forcing him to step backwards until his legs were against my mattress. “Sit down,” I commanded, a little surprised when he dropped down onto the bed. I lowered myself beside him, careful to keep some distance between us. “Tell me everything. Not the part you told me last night, but the prison part. If you’re going to keep telling me you’re a criminal, I want to know what I’m dealing with.”

  He looked at me like I was nuts. I might have been, but I wanted it all out there. “Go on,” I said.

  His eyes were defiant. “And if I say no?”

  I shrugged. “You came up here to apologize, so obviously you either have a conscience, care what I think of you, or both. I assume that means you want to be friends. I’d like to be your friend, too, but not with all these secrets. So spill or leave now and don’t come back.” My eyes were just as defiant. We stared at each other for a good long time, but I knew I would win this one, if only because so much was at stake and I was not going to back down.

  He looked away first, but I wasn’t ready to do my victory dance just yet.

  It took a long time, but he finally spoke. “After the cops came, I got locked up. I confessed, obviously, to what I remembered, but it was pretty hazy and I was still pretty messed up on top of the craziness of what had happened. They threw me into prison until the trial.”

  “How old were you?” I asked.

  “Seventeen.”

  “Juvie?”

  He shook his head. “Not pending a murder trial.”

  I tried not to let my feelings show. It was so sad that a young, sensitive kid who’d had to watch his mother die and kill his own father in self-defense was thrown into an adult prison, but I kept my face as blank as I could, knowing he’d hate seeing the sympathy and would probably stop talking. I had to just take his story as facts, like I was writing a report for school.

  “Couldn’t they figure out it was self-defense?”

  “Not right away because of all the drugs and me being the only witness. And like I said, I was a bit fuzzy on the details. The confession was right after it happened and I was still messed up, which made it more complicated. My lawyers wanted it thrown out. In the end, I got acquitted, but not before I spent six hundred and forty-seven days in prison.”

  I looked up at his face. Like it had a mind of its own, my hand reached up to the teardrop tattoo. He flinched when I touched it lightly with my finger, as though I’d burned him. “You got this there?” He nodded. His face relaxed a little as I stroked down his cheek with my palm. “I read that it can mean different things.”

  “It has a double meaning,” he said, softly, looking down s
o I couldn’t see his eyes, just the long lashes against his cheeks. “That I killed someone and that I lost a family member. Mostly I got it because I killed him. I can’t ever forget that I took a life.”

  “I don’t think you would have forgotten without the tattoo,” I said gently, still stroking his warm and slightly stubbled cheek, feeling it as he clenched his jaw under my hand.

  “No. But I want to see it every day when I look in the mirror.”

  “Why?”

  “So I never forget.”

  “Never forget? Or never forgive yourself?”

  His head snapped up and he looked into my eyes, his like angry glaciers piercing in into me. “How could I ever forgive myself? I killed my father. My father.”

  Consciously keeping my eyes calm and on his, I moved my hand slowly down to his neck, feeling the pulse quicken there. “He would have killed you.”

  “So?”

  Like that didn’t matter.

  “It sounds like he had a death wish that night. There’s a good chance if you hadn’t defended yourself, he would have ended up killing you and himself.” He looked at me strangely then and I wondered if he hadn’t considered an alternative way of how the night might have gone down. “You had no choice, Danny. You walked into a bad, no, impossible situation. It’s amazing anyone got out alive. You didn’t create it, you tried to diffuse it, but in the end, the best you could do was survive it.” I kept my hand on his neck, stroking over his Adam’s apple with my thumb. He swallowed hard.

  “And you know what?” I said when he didn’t speak. “I think you’re just about the bravest guy I’ve ever met.”

  His eyes widened a bit at that. I nodded. “I’m serious. To come out the other side of that and not be a total basket case? You’re a hero in my books.”

  He gave me an awkward smirk that didn’t reach his eyes. “You have pretty low standards for what you consider a hero.”

  My gaze never wavered when I said, “No. I don’t.”

  His smile dissolved.

  “I mean it, Danny. You’re not a criminal. The law doesn’t think so and neither do I or anyone else around that knows you. Only you believe it, but only because you make a point of convincing yourself of it every day. You’re punishing yourself for something you had no control over. But you have control now. You have the ability to forgive yourself and move on with your life. From this point forward, I think you should take it.”